Denise Unland's Alternative Geneology Part 6

By Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara

This chapter of Denise's ancestors has the chance meeting of two people who never knew they were related. To understand this meeting, one must partake in a little Irish history. We must go to the seventh century where a young Bishop, who REALLY didn't like snakes, waited in a vestibule from the Vatican for permission for his proposed trip back to the island that enslaved him years before. Finally the answer came to Patrick, still in the vestibule but now twenty years older, that he could go. (These things take time.) Many of you know this story. In a few years, not only was Patrick’s mission accomplished, (killing all the snakes), but the Irish people converted as well.

Not long afterwards, the Vatican wished they had stayed pagan. You see, even though the church grew, abbeys were formed, and priests were consecrated, swelling the number of followers under its power, two traits of the Irish clergy began to emerge. First, the Irish took to writing in Latin with passion and a brogue. Very quickly papers on church doctrine flowed southeast at alarming rates, making monasteries around the world wondering if the printing press had been invented early. But more damaging, the Irish tended to make things up.

Of course, Rome had dealt with heresies before, but the stuff coming from the Irish had a certain charm, making theologians wish they had come up with it themselves. Besides that, they couldn't match the volume of myths and superstitions enough to call them out, such as the doctrine of "White Martyrdom", (a concept that sounds suspiciously like Leo the Comic's situation.)

The idea went like this. Since Ireland was outside of the Roman Empire during the 300 years of Christian persecutions, other nationalities had an unfair advantage of going to heaven. Surely God wanted more Irishmen up there with him. So, as a spiritual 'affirmative action program' aimed at an ethically diverse heaven; the 'White Martyrdom' program recognized that it’s hard to die for one’s faith if no one will kill you. Instead, one could abandon civilization, go off to some wilderness, practice the common religious extremities, and enjoy a full martyrdom state without the blood or death. Sensing the bargain, Irish everywhere began searching for harsh, uninhabitable places and building communities there. I should state here that it is completely untrue that New York and Chicago were founded this way.