I think many of us have found ourselves in similar situations, wouldn't you agree?
Enjoy this this humorous that puts the truth in a lighthearted way and written in Ed's "ruthless dictator" persona, which he's having trouble maintaining these days.
Dear MOMI,
His Ruthlessness is having a problem of late
that might seem trivial and easily remedied but in my state of insanity, this
problem is a monster that keeps growing. I’m getting behind on my personal
phone calls. I know what you’re about to tell me. “Pick up the phone and get
started.” I can’t seem to do that, because phone calls to me are weird and
creepy. What am I supposed to say when I call… what’s the polite thing?
“Hello.” Right? But how is ‘hello’ ruthless? It’s not, which is weird
for me and creepy. It’s like I pretending to be nice instead of truthful.
What’s the point of calling anyone if you don’t tell the truth? In person, my
face tells the truth and if I do say hello, it’s in an ironic way. The other
creepy thing about calling is that I never do it unless I really feeling out of
character and that happens only once or twice a month. Now comes the really
creepy part. I’ve skipped feeling out of character for the last six months,
which adds to the feeling of weird and creepy because now I don’t call for at
least six months. But that’s only if my personal issues are keeping track. Who
knows? Maybe now they expect me to never call.
So, if you’re a ruthless dictator, what do you do about a person problem
you can’t (or really don’t want to) solve? No Gladimir Putin, that’s not
correct. You don’t invade another country. Stand in the conner for six years
and don’t forget to wear your dunce cap. You can come out when you’ve made
peace with both Ukrainian and your sexual preference. (A little hint here, it’s
not just your boyfriends that are homosexual. Their boyfriend is too.)
Sorry about that. Sorry too about outing the worse example of ‘gay’ that
I can think of. Most gay dictators are much better human beings, and I don’t
want to misrepresent gays, dictators, or their boyfriends. Dictators ask me for
advice all the time, but do they listen…well they can’t really. I’m really bad
at answering the phone. Anyway…
What I was about to say is a truly ruthless dictator solves his personal
problems by delegating them to underlings. Well, underlings, I have a job for
you. Each of you has a phone call to make on my behalf. I’ll list who to call
and what to say. You just pick one that seems right for you and follow my
instructions on what to say.
1) My kid
sister. She’s not a kid anymore. In fact, now she’s a grandmother but she’s
still younger than me and somewhat of a brat. Anyway, the problem here is
simple and should be resolved but her and me have a way of getting are wires
crossed. She’s taking a vacation to New Buffalo and wants me to meet her there.
In an email, she sent me the days, times, and location. What could be simpler.
My kid sister has sent me emails before with days, times, and locations but always
she gets one of those things wrong or changes her mind and forgets to tell
me…like the time she hosted thanksgiving. I assumed ‘hosting’ meant at her
house, not mine. You guessed it, we missed each other and the whole meal got
cold in her car and the other guest she invited got tired of waiting. Anyway,
please call her, tell her I love her, but make sure of the days, times, and
location of her New Buffalo trip. Also, be sure of the State. We’re assuming
Michigan here.
2) Denise
Baran-Unland has be very busy lately, so I put off calling her and now I’ve
forgotten why I need to call. Ok, that’s not completely true because I do
remember that ‘if’ has become ‘what’. You see, I’m writing a novel again that
she’s been drafted into editing (which is a much bigger job with me than anyone
else.) Anyway, I’ve been sending her chapters until this stay-in-character
thing started. The norm was, when I felt out of character, I’d email what I had
written and give her a few days to read it. The thing is, I’ve waited so long
to send or call that now the whole thing is just weird and creepy. I’m sure,
the last time I talked to her, the new book Tu Ruthless was a sequel to Ruthless. Now it’s a prequel, sequel, dequel. Clearly the whole book is
coming of the rails, and I need her to tell me if that’s a good thing. But
before I can do that, I need to find out what was the last chapter I sent her.
Also, I need to tell her that my wife and I are ready for Willow Fest where we
have a booth to sell my wife’s paintings and my book Ruthless, but we also want
to sell Denise’s books, too. I have to work out with her when to pick them up
and what price to charge. If you call Denise for me, tell her I love her,
express your gratitude (and mine), and promise to get back to her when I know what
she hasn’t gotten yet.
3) I
haven’t called my son is many months…so much so that I’m afraid a call from me
will have him expecting that my wife Nancy must be died or dying. He’s very
busy lately and I hate to call him at work. When he’s at work, he has to work
very quickly, or he’ll never get home and he’s always working over-time. When
they do let him go home, he’s devoured by his two kids, dog, and wife all
hungry for his complete attention. If you call him, tell him I love him, and
Nancy is fine. Also, listen to any problem he might have and let him vent his
frustration for as long as work, kids, dog, and wife let him. The call should
be under thirty seconds long.
4) Chris
and Rita are two sisters that have been in my life since they were in high school,
and I was in college. They were very good friends of mine and still are, except
we haven’t talked to each other in almost thirty years…until a month ago.
Scott, Chris’ husband, wanted to give Chris a special birthday gift and
clandestinely got in touch with us, cleverly using the Xmas cards we’d send
them every year. We met for dinner and talked two hours beyond the restaurant
closing. Clearly, we don’t want to wait for another thirty years to reconnect.
I need one of you to call her, tell her I love her and Scott, and ask for an
email address where I can update them about all the reasons I don’t call.
5) My mother!
I have a strained relationship with her, but I’m expected to call her weekly…it’s
been six months. Someone needs to get on this right away. Be prepared for a
lengthy lecture about how she gave her best years to raise me. When you do get
a chance to talk, tell her I love her and that she’s right; I did ruin her
life, but I’m very sorry. This call needs to happen once a week, but if you
record your side of the conversation the first time, you’ll never need to talk
again.
6) Tom is a
very problematic one. It’s not a phone call really. If you don’t know who I
mean by ‘Tom’ then don’t take this one. The problem here is more the message than
the call. I need to convey a message of sympathy and encouragement in a
limerick form. The problem there is…well, me. I only do ruthless limericks.
Tom
is a man with the answer
Be
ye poet, writer, or dancer
And
I’m just a bloke
Who
prays you don’t croak
While
you’re going through treatment for cancer
I’m hoping one of you could modify that limerick to
something less ruthless. It should tell him I love him and look forward to many
years of his council or failing that will cry big tears at his funeral.
Of course, there are more phone calls I need
to make that aren’t as important. I have to tell my new boss I don’t work
anymore, the government that starting next year they have to give me Medicare,
Jury duty that I’m dead, and the advertising retail industry that I’m broke,
but these things can wait until you guys get this important phone calls made.
Just pick out one of these calls, pick up the phone, dial the number, talk, and
the telephone me as to how it went.
Wait…I sense a problem here.
Forget the whole thing.
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins
