Steward Setback Saturday: Ed Calkins on Pope Benedict's XVI's Resignation, Lent and Calkins Day, "Visage," and Revisiting the Marriage Proposal

I found this gem buried in my blog's archives.

Longtime readers: perhaps you recall it?

Shorttime readers: Enjoy!

 

Saturday, March 2, 2013

EdCalkins on Pope Benedict's XVI's Resignation, Lent and Calkins Day, "Visage," and Revisiting the Marriage Proposal

Dear Momi (Mistress of My Immortality):

Surely, you jest as to why I haven't been able to drop you a line. My internal investigation into the IVA's involvement with Pope Benedict’s resignation is quite difficult as you can imagine any internal investigation would be when you don't know who the members are.

 

As the only public member and spokesman, I can assure you that allegations of strong arming the Pope, intimidating him, or scribbling on him with colored markers, are being investigated. In case you haven't drawn any parallels into the Pope's resigning I should point out that Calkins Day fell on Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent for Catholics.

 

For members of faith, Lent is supposed to be a long period of fasting, somber refection, and self-denial, making it difficult for the joyful indulgence of Ireland’s most ruthless dictator, paper boy, and vampire extraorindaire. Of course this limitation only applies to Catholics; do you think there are any of those in Ireland?

 

I personally have argued against dispensation the way the Vatican treats St Paddy (who wants to piss off a saint), but I’m sure the Bishop of Rome was warned what might happen if Lent wasn't pushed back a month. (The season of Lent is determined by a lunar calendar, so the actual day moves; I think it’s the same in your Eastern Orthodox faith.)

 

Anyway, my reading of Visage has until now been delayed because I gave any too many copies, leaving me to share with my wife, granddaughter, and son. I've just started reading it... or will by the week’s end so NO SPOILERS, please.

 

Already my granddaughter, who was really too young to attempt the book—she’s nine-- is asking for her leprechaun and giggling. My wife groaned about newspapers and muttered that I'm going to need larger pants for my ego after this.

 

Once again, Momi, you must not feel guilty about turning down my proposal of marriage. The hurt inside will heal and make me a stronger, more ruthless vampire for the wear if it. I'll update you latter on the Pope thing.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins,

Steward of Tara

Ed Calkins on Asian Carp and Neanderthals

Dear MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)

I've been a little reoccupied lately on the problem of Asian Carp. Every time I think of some plan to handle it, I get distracted. 

Now, if you're assuming that the problem I'm working on is about invasive species, I might point out the hypocrisy inherent on humans calling that out. Talk to whales, and they'll tell you that the oceans were fine before mankind invented ships. I'm sure birds, although I've not verbal conformation, feel the same way about planes and skies.

Nowhere however, is the hypocrisy of invasive species more apparent than to Neanderthals. I'm speaking of the great undocumented migration of Homo Sapiens from Africa into Europe. As you may recall, (I'm not suggesting you're old enough to remember this so you have to take my word for it), before this time, all of humanity (I exclude Neanderthals, which my be a prejudice.) lived on tropical lake front property around the area that is the Sahara desert today. This lake in the tongue of ancient caveman was called 'Uga Buga Wuga' which means "a really nice place to live." (I'll write later on what it will be called). 

You know the bit about every 20 thousand years the earth's tilt and Uga Buga Wuga' dried out, causing waves of impoverished Homo Sapiens to brave the Neanderthal border patrols and cross into "Neatherland" without legal right to do so? The problem got so bad the really big leader of Neatherland called his senators together to demand that a giant wall be invented first, then built. As you know, despite this ingenious preemptive attempt to keep Neatherland great, humans continued to pour into Europe without even an attempt to assimilate into Neatherland culture. 

Archaeological evidence shows that humans stayed, Neanderthals didn't, and no wall was ever invited or built. Reasons why may be politically divisive and so I will not lend my name to the debate. Let it not be said, however, that these primates did nothing, for on the borders they posted signs presumed to discourage illegal immigration.

   

As to theories on what drove Neanderthals into extinction, they have that political problem as well so I can pretend that I don't know (as do you (because I told you)), that it was the Ug-Lee syndrome.

Oh yes, I was talking about the fish. See what I mean.

Okay.

Remember, the twenty thousands years land grab for lake front property around the Sahara is going to be a giant lake again in a mere ten thousand years. I mean to own that lake by buying all the land around it and making it the best place in the world to fish, but also the safest. 

Using selective spawning, I'd hoped to evolve a fish that grows very big, taste like lobster or steak, and then bites a sinker, grips its mouth tightly around it, and doesn't let go until its safely in the net. Sounds great, right? 

The problem is the Asian Carp has that beat for fishermen. It grows big, tastes good (although not quite like surf and turf) and jumps right in the boat as you pass. How am I suppose to beat that? I'd have to breed a fish that cooks itself!

There's another matter of which I find some discomfort in mentioning; a financial matter. Despite my contempt for such uninteresting considerations, I find myself in need of funds. Well known are the Saudis for valuing their oil wells, but who would have thought they'd value so highly all the land that encircles them?

No, MOMI, I'm not asking you directly for money, you're a writer; you don't have two pennies to rub together. I'm asking you to solicit investors. I'll need one hundred of them at 50 mil a piece. Just tell them that if they give Ed Calkins fifty million dollars, he'll make them rich.

Later on how beer came to Ireland and the Irish came to (back) to Africa.

                            

Also why I haven't read Staked!.

Yet

Ruthlessly yours,

                                            

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

        

Steward Setback Saturday: Ed Calkins Plans His Christmas List

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Ed Calkins Plans His Christmas List

Dearest MOMI (Mistress of My immortality)

I fear I will need at least thirty-five copies of the next book and ten copies of the first for this Christmas. If there is a way that I can buy these copies directly from the author, I would like to do that as it will add to their collectiblity.

Of course, I am counting on my Christmas tips from the newspaper route to fund this investment. Interesting, most of the copies I gave were read promtly, but not completely. Many jumped to the page with my picture, read that first, then put the book down for a few months.

Only now are most people finished, all wondering how the next book might link with the first and still contain Ed Calkins since John Simons might no longer be a vampire. (Of all those who read the first book, they would like to have the second.)

For my part, it would be a spoiler, don't tell me. Let me read the whole book when I buy it.

Yours ruthlessly,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara