Ed Calkins: The Question of Cah

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, wrote a literary nonsense trilogy for the BryonySeries (and he's currently working on his fifth book) called Ruthless.

Ed, as an Irish vampire, is also a primary - and very unreliable - character in the Ruthless trilogy and also in the BryonySeries original "drop of blood" young adult vampire trilogy.

To give you a "taste" of Ed's writings, here is chapter one of his third Ruthless book, "Recovering Ruthless," where he's talking to a "mind worm."

All chapters do not read like this, of course. The character development is stunning and the plot is intricate with delightful threads running through the story.

You may also enjoy chapter 3 from "Recovering Ruthless" and chapter 14 from "Recovering Ruthless" to give you a better idea of the reading adventure that awaits you.

Finally, here is a poem from "Recovering Ruthless" that Ed attributes to one of his characters.

Happy Saturday!

RECOVERING RUTHLESS, BY ED CALKINS, STEWARD OF TARA

CHAPTER 1: THE QUESTION OF CAH

 

 

I probably should think of something else if I’m going to hold your attention. I don’t think you’re interested in the problems with the scientific theory of time travel. Maybe you feel that a story riddled with brownies, vampires, leprechauns, and other fairies shouldn't contain scientific theory at all.

 

              You're hurting my feelings, not to mention the feelings of Eircheard, the leprechaun who tried to explain the universe in all its four dimensions. I'll retaliate later. Better to explain how the four-dimensional universe is really two sides of a coin so only one side is perceivable to anything with consciousness. On the one side, electromagnetics is stronger than gravity thus pulling the universe wider, expanding as it does, creating time, and pulling the pieces apart. On the other side, gravity is stronger than electromagnetics. It pulls the scattered energy and matter towards its center, creating time as it does, and contracting the entire universe into a humongous black hole. On each side, the dominant energy gets spent, the other recharges, each side ends as the other starts, and the coin flips all over again.

 

              Is that easy enough to understand?

 

              Wrong.

 

I didn’t ask if you could dismiss it, I asked if you could understand it, because there is more. While time is merely cosmic motion, the experience of time is completely subjective. Perhaps, if you've studied philosophy, you've heard the nonsensical question: “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound?” The question pretends to be philosophical when it's actually a vocabulary question. Are we defining “sound” as audible by vibrations or this experience of perceiving them? And that's just one part of what sends a leprechaun into fits of rageful rants about the shortsightedness of the larger folks’ feeble brains.

 

There’s a letter on the desk? Don’t distract me.

 

I’m on my way to explaining one theory of time travel and the best ways to do it. One is easy enough. Wait. No, not you. I mean “waiting” is the easiest way to get to any time you want. Don’t you see? Its all circular. The universe expands then contracts, destroying and creating like it did the last time and you'll find yourself in your own past or future, doing the same thing you did the last time for the same reasons.

 

You don’t like that, do you? Do you find it disappointing? Trust me, disappointment is the defining experience of time travel and waiting is the safest way to that disappointment. True other ways are quicker, but you risk contracting Deep Time Psychosis. How do I know that? Not important. The other part of what time is takes priority. How many times has the universal coin flipped? How is the universe on the first flip different from the second or third? I’m sure you’re now ready to explore this new question with an open mind and heart.

 

No? What’s about the letter on the desk?

           

Who are you to interrupt me? Better yet, who are you at all? Somehow, this feels familiar. You are some kind of consciousness in my brain but you're not me, which begs the question of, “Who am I?” I'll tell you what I'm not. I'm not some old man experiencing dementia. While it's true that – for the moment – I’ve forgotten who I am, forgetfulness is understandable when you realize how many more things I have to remember. Think of my brain as a powerful early 1980’s micro-computer with 256 ram and a hard drive it's near an MB. As impossible as it might be to imagine, my hard drive is running out of space. I have to back it up regularly, putting all pertinent information 5 1/4 floppy disk. Then I format the hard drive only to fill it again with other stuff. What is a 5 ¼ floppy disk? Well, it's a disk about five and a fourth inches in diameter and it’s so floppy that they had to put cardboard around it.

 

Forget that.

 

The point is I have so many things to remember, having traveled time as much as I have, sometimes I have to reload my hard drive to answer questions that you consider basic. Who I am will come back to me as soon as I boot up this metaphorical floppy disk. I'm confident I'll remember the five things that are essential. Then I'll deal with you.

 

Oh yes of course, I am Ed Calkins the one and only. If you doubt my fame, may I remind you that you knew who I was before I knew who I was, and we haven't even cared about who you are. Did I make you feel small just now? That's because of the second thing: I am very ruthless. I'll hurt your feelings without a second thought. Try not to be afraid. The third thing seems ridiculously obvious. Newspaper delivery is important. Who doesn't know that? Either I exist because I deliver, or delivery exists because of me…something circular like that. I’m sure I’ll have a better handle on it when the rest of the floppy loads.

 

Cah, I’m having trouble with the next two things. Wait. Did I just call you ‘Cah’? YOU! You’re the mind worm that wanted a story. I was going to tell you the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” Either you wanted a different story, or I couldn’t remember how that story started. Something tells me I haven’t always been nice to you and that we have unfinished business.

 

Where are we? Seems like we’re in the same place we were when we first met. If I’m getting this right, I named you Cah – the anachronism for “courageous and honest” – because I didn’t want to call you an idiot when you admitted you never heard of Ed Calkins. That could only mean you’ve never read this book that’s right next to the letter you’re so keen on. It’s called “Staked!” Cah, this is the first book in a series written by Denise M. Baran-Unland that’s all about me.

 

You think the book wasn’t here the last time? So what?

 

What? I can’t hear your thoughts over the leprechauns and merrows shouting at me to do something about the other. Do you need me to tell you that merrows are the Irish version of mermaids, expect they have legs…quite shapely legs I might add.

 

Oh. The fourth thing I always remember is that I have many wives all over the place. Yes, you might even be a wife of mine. What’s that? You don’t think so. Maybe you are and I never told you…that or you’re male. Either way, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Except for one, there’s no ceremony or sex in my marriages and that’s an unbreakable rule set by Wife Number One: Nala.

 

The letter? Don’t you want to know about the book? I stole it from some future…or the past. I can’t remember now. The important thing is the timeline in the book. You see, everyone thinks the book is a work of fiction except the people in the book. There’s a Sheriff Matt, who is not in the book but in the timeline. He needs to know what happens so he can be ready to handle the things that are. If I travel to the right place/time/year, I’ll give him the drop on a very difficult Christmas.

 

Now I know the fifth thing. I’m a time-traveling, dyslexic, psychotic, Irish vampire, but you might have guessed that already.

 

What?

 

We never found out why the leprechauns and merrows are yelling?

 

The letter was going to be the key to it all, but I never followed through. I just went on to other things without reading it. I remember now, Cah. It was for your benefit. I have a hard time not thinking thing out loud to a mind worm, and I didn’t want to spoil the ending of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” I was afraid that I would start thinking how Mama Bear put Goldilocks in a pot with carrots and peas, Papa Bear put a sign above the home reading “free room and board to slow running children,” and Baby Bear never had porridge again.

 

Yes, Yes, the letter. Cah, I promise this time, I’ll get to it. But first, I have to deliver this book. It will only take a second…or several lifetimes depending on the time-travel traffic. It’s all the same to a dyslexic, psychotic, time traveling Irish vampire when he tries to answer the question of Cah.

    

29 Quotes from "Ruthless" by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Today I'm featuring a quote from each chapter of the BryonySeries novel Ruthless by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara.

Ed was actually my supervisor back in the days when my family delivered more than one thousand newspapers in the middle of the night, every night.

He's very creative but also dyslexic and had abandoned writing by the time I met him. For many reasons, I made him a character in the "drop of blood" trilogy and gave him the Saturday spot on my blog whenever he wanted it That's how Saturday became Irish-themed.

But my BryonySeries super fan had asked for the character's back story - and I felt only Ed could truly write that.

So he did, a BryonySeries book of  very enjoyable literary nonsense that will surely offend just about everyone, with Ed himself as the unreliable narrator and protagonist.

Below is the synposis and a quote from each chapter, for your reading pleasure today.

SYNOPSIS

Step through the mirror. Step through at your own peril. 

It was clear enough that Ed Calkins was murdered while delivering newspapers. 

Trudy, a poet, sharp-shooter, dominatrix, alcoholic, and auxiliary police officer is certain she knows who did it. She remembers pointing the pistol and pulling the trigger, but she doesn’t remember why she shot her best friend. 

Is something supernatural haunting Munsonville? Or had something possessed her years ago when Eddie secretly won the lottery? In either case, he’d become a vampire, and she must face him again in a duel four days from now.

In the meantime, Ed Calkins is bleeding to death and only has seven seconds to create a son for Melissa and John with the help of two others, who both live in his imaginary version of Tara in ancient Ireland. 

He must also ruthlessly battle agendas or myth and his own unruly imagination while time traveling recklessly through distant future and past. 

So step carefully through the mirror because you’re only guaranteed to learn three things.

- Ed Calkins is ruthless,

- A pistol is no silver bullet in a limerick fight,

- And if Ed Calkins asks you to marry him, he might not ask again.

For more information, visit bryonyseries.com.

QUOTES

1) First, he’d been stabbed in the belly then shot in the head with a bullet, which was now rattling uncomfortably in his skull, and all of that was before he wound up with the huge pain in his chest. So naturally being dead was a perfectly reasonable expectation.

2) Delusions of grandeur made it simple. No matter what time he was from, being Ed Calkins meant he was great.

3) My ruthless smile widened. I bit into my very rare liver like it was the very neck of Ruthie.

4) "Honest, officer, I have no idea what this smoking gun is doing in my right hand. That’s right, Your Honor, I had no plans to murder my best friend. I just happened to have an unauthorized 44 with me because my patrol is evil with scary specters, and I might have to shoot at something I can’t put in a report. Why did I get so drunk? Well, I knew I had to work that patrol, and I’m too much of a coward to do that sober.”

5) When a poet dreams, is it just a dream? 

6) It was that disrespectful bottle of Scotch talking again and not making any sense. Why would it? She’d drunk the better part.

7) The nuns made it clear that ninety percent of hell’s population were men, and most of them earned their places in hell as junior high aged boys, in no small part because of the filthy thoughts within their head.

8)  “It’s an embarrassment to the county when a reporter knows more than the department, Trudy. You were on patrol when that body was found a few days ago. It’d be helpful if I’d known ahead of time if you knew the victim…Trudy?"

9) "But what can she offer that would make a man forget a brownie-raised, leprechaun-educated, princess like this one?” He held the photo up to my face to make a point.

10) Was it the pills, or just a certain magic that happens when a journalist informs a poet?

11) A troupe of pixies flew mischievously toward the stone where she was tied and debated if there was humor in releasing her, since she was not bound in iron. Once they guessed her purpose as a sacrifice though, they decided to check the yonder hawthorn trees for gifts instead.

12) "I’m presently in a kinky, non-professional relationship with a man that was not designed to be exclusive, but I’m not looking for anyone else. Does that make sense?”

13) Over dinner, the man proved to be mostly what she expected; stubborn, arrogant, condescending, and clueless.

14) But Marci wasn’t listening. So, I did what I thought any ruthless dictator would do. I hid under my desk.

15) Trudy eventually found the other man. He was digging a hole the width of a grave in the back yard. He’d caught on to the game and wanted to play.

16) "Mr. Bar Keep, a vodka and tonic for the boy, a double Scotch neat for me, and a beer for the brownie named New Medication.”

17) Misplaced trust could have been the buzz phase to describe the 70s, as pedophiles seemed to lurk around every trusted institution where children or underaged teens were served.

18) “Evil spirits," he muttered shaking his head. “Evil never gets along with other evils…kind of like my mothers-in-law.

19) My smile was short lived. Glorna was behind me, and he wanted me to know it. Of course, he was under house arrest right now, which means I told him not to go anywhere, which means he found it imperative to go anywhere but where I told him. That he was standing in front of me only could mean bad news.

20) My nap was a dream of blood and vixens long dead.

21) When I awakened, I was still in the chair, but I wasn’t tied to it. There were pliers on the table, but no bottle, glasses, or guns. The route lists were printed, but the emails were answered with less than polite words. I had all my teeth, but I didn’t feel drunk.

22) “I be sorry fer my appearance,” Arkiens continued. “But it’s Trudy’s dream, not mine, and she dreams a full moon what changes me into a goat, which means I doesn’t read till I be a leprechaun again. I thank ya fer your briefs, I found em very tasty. I don’t haf the belly ta finish all of em, but I’ll be sure ta finish the lot as soon as the moon comes up full again.”

23) Had Trudy been younger and six psychiatric prescriptions earlier, this evening would have had an erotic sexual intrigue that she would keep to herself, yet still enjoy.

24) It’s always the same for me. Give someone exactly what they’ve asked for at a bargain price, and they’ll complain that they are being cheated.

25) "You can’t kill a fool with a pistol, darling; you have to kill him with his own foolishness. If you don’t see that, he’s going to kill you with yours."

26) The night was starless, and the even line of trees cast heavy shadows with the scant lights of street posts. His heavy breath, the steam from it and the sound of it, was his most identifiable feature, like the smokestack of a desperate train. It stopped at the point where it would have overtaken her, but his face showed no satisfaction…instead puzzlement, as if Trudy had become invisible.

27) Too soon, she was among the streets where people slept, and streetlights were vigilant watchers of walking heels. She avoided them. Instinctively, she avoided their scrutiny and favored the shadows.

28) “Think of the trees that would gladly give you their fruit if you want something sweet. Think of the river nymphs that share their water to the thirsty or the stags that give their life, be it less then willingly, if you desire meat. The land is love, your highness. Never be too high to know that.”

29) "Women tend not to forget me. But I do believe I did ask her to marry me, but she didn’t say yes. I doubt any good came of that.”

Cover art by Nancy Calkins

Calkins Day 2021 and the Release of "Ruthless"

Good morning readers, writers, and BryonySeries fans. I hope you're having a wonderful day so far, which turns into an even better day.

With Calkins Day less than a month away, consider this post your first official invitation to attend what might be the most unusual hour of your year: 7 to 8 p.m. Feb. 13.

And if you're part of the majority that has no idea what Calkins Day is, watch this video, starting at the 4:50 mark.

Here's what's going on so far.

* Calkins Day 2021 is a virtual event this year for reasons that don't bear repeating and will be held on Zoom. 

* The event is free, but you must register. Here is the link: bryonyseries.com/registerforcalkinsday.

* After you submit your registration, you will receive your Zoom coordinates and a menu card of the food we'll be serving that night. Wait! What? We're serving food? At a virtual event? Yes, that's correct.

* "Chef Tim" will be hosting three food demonstrations of festive, especially designed for Calkins Day refreshments, that you will be able to assemble right along with him. The ingredients are simple, common, and most likely items already in your cupboards. Again, you will receive your menu and "shopping list" at the time of registration.

* Local author, local celebrity, and my WriteOn Joliet co-leader Tom Hernandez has kindly agreed to emcee the event. In fact, we built the event time around his convenience.

* Topics for the hour will include the following: author collaborations, how to legally  fictionalize a real person, literary nonsense, Irish vampires, deep time psychosis, and Astro-Time Physics.

* A Calkins Day 2021 news release is ready for, well, release. 

* We'll be circulating a flyer, too - just as soon as I send off the flyer information and photos to a friend who is better at graphic design than I am.

* Ed Calkins (yes, the Steward of Tara himself) will randomly giveaway a few copies of Ruthless to whomever pleases him.

* Also, Timothy is redeveloping Ed's page on the BryonySeries website that will include a few helpful links, including a guide to Calkins Day and how to best prepare for the optimal celebration experience.

* BUT FIRST we must have a book. Colleen Robbins returned the copyedits to me this past week, and she said the manuscript is fairly clean. This makes me happy that I spent ALL of my Thanksgiving break doing a very hard edit on the book (not on content but on spelling - Ed is terribly dyslexic). I also feel pretty good that I caught most of errors since copy editing is my weakest editing link.

* So, trusting in the cleanness of the pages, I'm embarking on the ambitious task today of (hopefully) copy editing the entire book, so Rebekah can format it this weekend. The art is also scanned and ready to go. The goal is to have a proof copies on their way to Ed and me by Monday.

* Side note: I'm also finishing the copy edits of a novel for a client. I have two more chapters to go, so I hope to get that done this weekend, too. Hey, my toe is still broken; it snowed yesterday; and I have plenty of coffee in the house.. I might as well get some projects done.

Back Cover Copy for Ed Calkins' Upcoming Novel "Ruthless"

Last night, Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, submitted the following text for his back cover summary of "Ruthless," which will be available on Calkins Day (Feb. 13).

I did tighten it a bit, and I hope it all fits on the back cover.  

But it should give you an idea of what you, the reader, will encounter, should you decide to read it this twenty-first century novel of Irish literary nonsense.

“I would think that any vampire who has the favor of a supernatural deity to help him find his way back to his own time would be too dangerous to mess with.” I told him.

            Henry Mathews snickered. “Well, there’s the rub. Not everyone agrees that a supernatural deity fueled his escape. They think he was simply Irish.”

              “The luck of the Irish,” I mused…until realizing I’m the only known Irish vampire. “Wait. Am I the unreliable source of this trip to the end and beginning of time?”

              “You never said you were.”

              “Then what are you saying?” I asked impatiently.

              “No. I said YOU never said that…any of it. If you had, anyone could easily dismiss it.” Henry leaned close and dropped his voice to a harsh whisper. “Fall apart, man! Quit being rational! Your enemies can read your mind! You must scatter your wits and believe the unbelievable or you’ll never survive!”

              Step through the mirror. Step through at your own peril.

              It was clear enough that Ed Calkins was murdered while delivering newspapers. Trudy, a poet, sharp-shooter, dominatrix, alcoholic, and auxiliary police officer is certain she knows who did it. She remembers pointing the pistol and pulling the trigger, but she doesn’t remember why she shot her best friend. Is something supernatural is haunting Munsonville? Or had something possessed her years ago when Eddie secretly won the lottery? In either case, he’d become a vampire, and she must face him again in a duel four days from now.

            In the meantime, Ed Calkins is bleeding to death and only has seven seconds to create a son for Melissa and John with the help of two others, who both live in his imaginary version of Tara in ancient Ireland. He must also ruthlessly battle agendas or myth and his own unruly imagination while time traveling recklessly through distant future and past. 

              So step carefully through the mirror because you’re only guaranteed to learn three things.

                             - Ed Calkins is ruthless,

                             - A pistol is no silver bullet in a limerick fight,

                             - And if Ed Calkins asks you to marry him, he might not ask again.