A Christmas Gift for Ed Calkins

I like chocolate way more than candy canes at Christmas or any time. But if I am going to eat a candy cane, I want a traditional cane in a traditional size.

But when I was a child, I typically only receive the miniature ones, always to my dismay.

So as a parent, I only dispersed the "regular-sized" candy canes to my kids - and usually only for St. Nicholas Day (Dec. 6), about the one day of the year that I eat an actual candy cane. True to form, I've eaten just the one this year - I have more still tucked inside my stocking.

I became a fan of candy canes on that day years ago after reading a blessing prayer for candy canes on St. Nicholas day in a book my mother sold in her Christian gift shop.

It was called Prayers for the Domestic Church (originally published in 1979), and I longed to own that book. My oldest kids were very young, and I was building up our home prayer life at the time and seeking ways to seamlessly weave that into our ordinary lives.

My mother gave it to me at Christmas one year. We used it so much, most of the pages split apart from the binding. The book was lost in one of our many moves.

The blessing prayer for St. Nicholas candy canes is here.

But now, I also like miniature candy canes all though December, especially if they are cold. And that's because of Ed Calkins.

When my family and I delivered newspapers in the middle of the night, and when Ed Calkins was my supervisor for one of those routes, he always distributed miniature candy canes with our route books. And he did this every day throughout December.

I believe that an ordinary gift, when given sincerely and with well wishes, becomes more than an ordinary gift. 

I'd usually eat that candy cane while we were actually out about in the middle of the night, windows down, heat blasting on high. We had nearly a thousand papers (not counting Ron's papers), so we were out there about three hours every night.

This year, when Ed and Nancy Calkins dropped of the artwork for Ruthless, he also dropped off three round peppermint balls, apologizing for the lack of actual candy canes since they were in short supply this year. Because COVID and candy canes go together, I guess.

Last week, Rebekah and Daniel shopped for our Christmas Eve food. Rebekah spied a box of miniature candy canes. She checked the expiration date: 2023. 

So Rebekah bought it and placed it under our tree for Ed, whenever we see him again (hopefully before 2023). 

In doing so, Rebekah became part of the chain of giving a taste of something sweet to weary people working in the cold dead of night when more sensible people are sleeping.

Merry Christmas, Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara!

Steward Setback Saturday: Candy Canes and Irish Vampires

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Candy Canes and Irish Vampires

Yes, Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, dressed in an Old World Father Christmasy hat and carrying a bucket of candy canes, was already making his jolly rounds when I, huge mug of coffee in MY hand, arrived at the distribution center at one o'clock this morning.

It's been over a year since Ed last worked at this particular location and just several months since I've stopped delivering newspapers, yet the return was a joyful one for both, especially me, since I'm still in withdrawal. I have these moments, suppressed, of course, where I want to ride around at night--windows down and radio cranked up--throwing things (ideally newspapers) out of windows.

Ed and rival supervisor Dan resumed their plans to take over certain countries with insulting limericks, and one female carrier entered to the loud cry from Ed she (mistakenly) assumed she'd never hear again: "All, hail, Audrey the Magnificent!"

Of course, Ed showed the proper respect by virtue of his former nickname for me (Newspaper Goddess), by genuflecting, head bowed, to offer me a candy, the very pose assumed every day when he brought me my route book.

Now, having immortalized him and all, my nickname is Mistress of Immortality or MOM. Yes, I know it doesn't match, but Ed is horribly dyslexic, so it works for him. FYI: Any blog postings he sends are thoroughly edited by me, keeping in mind my copyediting skills are less than stellar.

Saturdays are a notoriously slow day. Carriers, the ones that still run on Saturdays, arrive late and leave late. Ed still had to drive an hour back to HIS distribution center to run a route. Still, I sold, and he signed, a few books. To catch the attention of sleepy carriers pushing grocery carts full of inserts back to their tables, Ed would stop them and point to his picture on page one hundred and ninety-three.

Periodically, he would stop, grinning, and excitedly say, "We're really doing this. Remember when we only talked about signing books at the center?" Before I could do more than smile and nod, Ed was showing a carrier where his name appeared in Bryony, then add the exhortation to look for the parade in his honor some thousand years hence.

I chatted to a couple of carriers who were a little envious--in a good way--of my having completed an entire book. One, a musician, is writing his autobiography, but got stuck one hundred and fifty-five pages into it. The other, a former Chicago teachers, has an idea for a screen play, but can't get the words out.

Both marveled how I, with homeschooled kids, other writing assignments, and throwing papers at night, managed to write an entire book. I told them my lap goes with me everywhere I go.

"Oh, so you wrote it all the computer?"

Well, yes, eventually. I also wrote bursts of inspiration on backs of old envelopes, margins of books, and myriads of tiny notebooks, really any form of paper within reach. I also had to utilize random bits of time, which is the way I really dislike to write, but when it's the only available time...well, that's when you have to stay true to your goals.

Ed then told me a story about how is granddaughter is beginning to not believe he is REALLY Santa Claus and wondering if his credibility will be shot if he tells her Santa is also a vampire.

"Especially the first Irish vampire," Ed said.

One of the supervisors, who is generally quiet and whom I did not expect to wander near our make-shift work station book "store," spent some time flipping through the Bryony, noting the research, and asking me how long it took me to compose it.

Even better, he made a couple allusions to the distribution center being "one of the seven levels of hell." Later, he referenced something back to "the library of Alexandria." Now my curious was piqued, and I hope an opportunity for conversation with him the next time I bring my teens down to stuff inserts. There's so much more to people than meets the eye, right?

And yes, he bought a book.

Ed took five back with him for family Christmas gifts this weekend and is coming back for twenty more next week. These will be a huge surprise, he said. Although he's told everyone in his large extended family that he is in a book, when you identify yourself as a ruthless dictator and create Celtic myths about yourself, your family tends to dismiss your other claims.

I jubilantly waved a book before him. "And now you have the proof."

He laughed. "Yes, now I have the proof!"

At three-thirty, Ed packed it up, worried about making HIS deadline, then paused.

"Can I hug you?" he asked.

LOL! Why, of course! Merry Christmas, O Ye Steward of Tara!

Steward Setback Saturday: I Turned Down a Marriage Proposal. Now Comes the Fallout

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I Turned Down a Marriage Proposal. Now Comes the Fallout

Last month, during the Ed Calkins Book Signing Tour for Visage, Ed finally popped the question. It went something like this:

"Denise, would you....?"

"No."

Ed raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"I'll never be part of a harem," I explained, "not even a verbal harem."

Except for shaking his head in rueful regret at my supposed foolishness in turning down this most celebrated proposal of the millenium, I assumed Ed would have the grace and tact not to mention it again.

I was wrong.

This past week, I received the following admonishment from the Steward.


Dear MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality):


I am going through that seasonal change right now where I no longer think I'm Santa Claus and am trying to get in the swing of "ruthless dictator" before my trembling charges think I've gone soft.

I know things should be awkward between the two of us since you declined my proposal of marriage before I voiced it. The truth is, I'm so experienced in such matters that I have to remind myself that it should feel awkward, even though I don't feel so.

You, however, are likely not as experienced at shooting down the offer of marriage. I will admit that your character, Melissa, though younger than you, handled it better by changing the subject rather than refusing.

It's a good thing I didn't buy a ring.

I figured that you, by now, feel uneasy about your decision. Therefore, I have resolved to allow you to make it up to me with an unsolicited contribution to the IVA. You could donate five percent of all proceeds of the BryonySeries that exceed forty-six million dollars.

I will not embarrass you by refusing your offer (Remember how much you have already done for the IVA) or point out how such a money trail would disrupt our secrecy. No, I will do none of that. Like Melissa, I will simply change the subject.

What was I talking about?


Yours ruthlessly,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Ed Calkins: Professional Blunders

Found this gem from 2013. 

I had to read it a couple of times before I realized this was in response to a recommendation on LinkedIn.

Still, no other supervisor has ever addressed me as "paper goddess," nor handed me the route book for the day on bended knee.

Explanation for those new to this blog. My family used to rise in the middle of the night (like vampires) and deliver thousands of newspapers everyday. I myself used to take out over 900, the highest count of any carrier in the building, at least by the time the newspapers we delivered became outsourced.

Ed Calkins was my supervisor for one of those routes. And, no lie, he dubbed me "paper goddess" because of the volume and handed me the daily route book in the pose he felt was due me. The photo below shows him "recapping" the standard and now infamous routine at a middle-of-the-night book signing for Visage inside the distribution center in December 2012 - except he's handing me a candy cane instead of a route book, still fitting because Ed distributed those all through December, too. In fact, he saved one from December 2017 and presented it to me on Calkins Day 2018.

My face is blurry, the limitations of vintage camera phones, but yeah, it's me. And I still own (and still wear) the same hat and coat.

Ah, paper route days. Fun times!

Dear MOMI,

Perhaps I should read emails before I respond to them but I'm not used to keeping track of the difference between my fantasy and professional (insert of fit of giggles) life. 

I responded to the links that you sent me, not realizing that this might be about something other then my immortality. Be relieved that I did not list my occupation as 'ruthless dictator, steward of Tara, or quality control manager for the "Chicken Ranch". (just got back from Vegas) 

Instead I listed my occupation as "paperboy" and "character in a vampire series," which might not help you if you wish me to recommend you. 

Between you and me, I don't really worry about impressing anyone that hasn't heard of me in a professional context, as I have never been able to find employment by looking for it (I'm not kidding), but I would hate to ruin you career should the book fail to be a best seller. (I've been told that if Oprah doesn't read it, it doesn't sell).

What would you like me to do as far as professional recommendations? I can truthfully say only good things about how you work, but I don't know my wacky ways will help your cause nor my mentioning that I was loosely your boss at your (very) part-time job might not get you the places you'd wish to go. It would not offend me if you insisted on any interview that you have no idea who I am.

Please advise me.

                                        

Paperboy in Chief,

                                  you know

BryonySeries Throwback Thursday: Five Minutes on Christmas Eve

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Five Minutes on Christmas Eve

As I'm writing this, I get a phone call from my nearly seventeen year old daughter Rebekah. She and her fifteen year old brother Daniel and my husband Ron are done rolling newspapers and are heading home. Communion bread for this morning's Divine Liturgy is rising in the oven, and soon I'll be out in the van throwing newspapers.

This is not how we used to spend our Christmases.

Years ago, when my six children were very young, Christmas Eve meant getting together with my first husband's side of the family and enjoying a special Christmas Eve dinner of twelve traditional dishes, that represented the twelve apostles. We continued that tradition up until this year when the timing of Christmas as per the newspaper schedule and everyone's work commitment made such a gathering impossible.

Then the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder as I was getting ready for bed last night, at the ungodly hour of seven o'clock (It's ungodly when you rise at midnight). I hollered down the stairs for Daniel, but he had left with my oldest son Christopher to pick up my daughter-in-law Cassie from work. So, I phoned my twenty-year-old son Timothy who was still stuffing Sunday inserts for their customers with Rebekah.

After making sure they were near each other, I asked Timothy to put me on speaker phone. He did, and I read from the Gospel of Luke, beginning with Gabriel's appearance to Mary and ending with the shepherds. When I finished, there was a chorus of excited voices. My kids were not alone in the warehouse.

A number of other carriers were spending their Christmas Eve there, too, preparing for Sunday so they could spend Christmas Day with their families and had been touched by the reading. Timothy said, "Now it feels like Christmas. Thank you for reminding us of the reason for the season."

Whatever the reason for YOUR celebration this day, have a blessed and merry Christmas!

Found One of My Old Blog Posts on Goodreads

I forgot Sarah set the account to automatically push to Goodreads. While on the site for something else, I stumbled upon this:

A Peek into the Secret Correspondence Between the Steward of Tara and the BryonySeries' Author

Dear MOMI:

When the next book comes out, I'll load a cooler with ice cream, disposable bowls, and plastic spoons. We'll serve the free ice cream right where we're signing. I'll spring the cost of the ice cream.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

O Steward:

Third book won't come out until late November. Sure you don't want to do it this summer?

Respectfully,

MOMI

Dear MOMI:

Do you think we can still sell the first two books at the DC? (Note: this is vampire code for "distribution center.") Is anyone there that reads still without a copy? I agree that summer would be better for ice cream. BTW, could you send me the Byrony links? I'm on a new computer.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara


O Steward:

Not sure who still wants any books, but an ice cream social is still a good promotion for Staked! which is coming out at the end of the year. That book has your biggest role. Besides, there's new people coming in the DC all the time.

Also, the official Visage, with the "official" art should be out in a couple of weeks. You'll receive a complimentary copy. FYI, Saturdays has the lowest carrier turnout. Any possible way you could get a sub and do a Sunday?

Respectfully, 

MOMI

Dear MOMI:

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the only days I can't do it.

As far as getting a sub...if you mean submarine, that would be easier then finding someone to do my route. If you mean "submissive," you've read 50 Shades, and believe me, to all of them, doing a route is a "hard limit." If you mean submarine sandwich, I could, but it wouldn't help me take off a on Sunday.

Ice cream might draw a few carriers in early though if the word went out. In my own DC, which is not as personable as Joliet, it took two years to go from not finishing one bucket to finishing three (every one speaking only Spanish or Arabic assumed I was selling it).

Ruthlessly yours, 

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara


O Steward:

Okay, then, pick a Saturday, and let's do it!

Respectfully, 

MOMI  


Dear MOMI: 

Now wait a second. This might be a chance for you to flex your newly found fame as an acclaimed novelist. Perhaps you can market the John-John Peter experience. One of the most touching parts of Visage is the connection of father and son on the "damn route." Maybe we can market this. Bring your toddler and go out on a REAL Ed Calkins route! (Make sure that toddler is barefoot).

BTW I laughed much longer then my wife at the throwing of the shoe because I had a better picture. Did that every happen to you with one of your little angels? Let's do the ice cream social on the Saturday near the 4th of July. Also, can you give me Edgar or Frank's phone so I can ask permission? My new phone never got my Joliet connections on speed dial.

Ruthlessly yours, 

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Editor's note: I sent the steward the two agents' telephone numbers, but I have received no further correspondence from the steward. I'm assuming he's very busy conducting ruthless business. Further details on the ice cream social--and if you've read Visage, you know how appropriate that social is. If you haven't, come to the social, buy a copy personally autographed by Ed Calkins, and find out--when and if they emerge.

Published on June 08, 2013 21:54