Steward Setback Saturday: The Beat Goes On

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Ed Calkins: The Beat Goes On

Dear MOMI,

What have I done!

I've started a story that will take four thousand years to complete and has to be told in limerick form.

More then that, the characters keep stealing my pen.

Who'd have thought Glorna would be such a punk, Ed Calkins so twisted, and a vegan gator such a bully.

None of this was my idea, but here is the third in my nameless epic limerick.

THE POET DATES THE TIME WHILE WHINING HIS STORY IS TOO HARD TO WRITE

By now It was now clear as clear can be

That both Glorna and Ed were in two thousand BC

And their gator companion made three

Now, I must be out of my tree

For thinking this telling would easy be

THE MISFIT THREE BRING WOOD FOR CARVING TO THE SHIP THEY HOPE TO SET PASSAGE BACK TO ENGLAND FROM, EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL BE FOUR THOUSAND YEARS TOO EARLY TO RETURN TO WHERE DENISE LET THEM DIE.

While the brave captain was in O’s dwelling

The three carried to the ship that was smelling

Wood removed for the dead tree

To be carved for the sailors to see

The wives that the threesome were selling

And since none of the three could carve wood

The silly steward asked if the crew would

Carve the women he described

By the stories he prescribed

And the figures’ figures that would have to be good.

ED CALKINS PITCHES HIS "WIVES," WHICH ARE OBVIOUSLY WOMEN HE NEVER MET

“First a queen with a fetish for being rolled into rugs

Cleopatra of the future Egyptian thugs

And if you meet her it would please her,

If you call yourself Julia Caesar.

Then she just might give you a few hugs.”

“Then the mystical goddess, Aphrodite

Should be married to one high and mighty

But for a limited time, what the heck

her for a place on your deck.

Just image how she looks in a nighty.”

Then there’s this Boudica the Celtic queen

With a reputation of being quite mean

But if you watch right the omens

She doesn’t like the Greeks or the Romans

But for young sailors she makes quite a scene

“Maybe horses and nude women is your guilty pleasure.

Might I suggest that Lady Godiva is your treasure

The long-haired mystique that attracts is

Her method of protesting taxes.

By riding naked through Coventry for good measure”

“There’s another that I think you should know

The whole world will call her Marilyn Monroe

She will famously flirt

Wind will hike up her shirt

This blond bombshell will make your heart go."

“Dolly Parton known for her voice and platinum blond hair

And chest you’d wish you could bare

And her homey southern charm,

Why she’d be worth the whole farm

But for passage to Ireland is quite overly fair”

THE CREWS' CARVINGS OF ED WIVES WERE QUITE GOOD

As Ed pitched, the figures carved by the crew

Made each statuette looking life like and true

Down to the smallest detail

You’d have thought any male

Would be a knickknack collector of new

THE FIRST MATE WANTS A REAL WOMAN

Said the first mate, “Look here is the deal

We’d consider you offer a steal

And take only one wife not six

If you offer us this in the mix

Make only one of the statuettes real

ED DOESN'T BELIEVE THEY WANT REAL WIVES. HE UPS THE OFFER BY THROWING IN DENISE'S ADOPTED IRISH NIECE (WITHOUT KNOWING IF THERE IS SUCH A NIECE)

Now Ed replied to the men of the sea,

“If your wives were your own cup of tea,

You’d sailed were they are

Instead of from them so far

You’re just haggling for a larger fee.”

Replied the first mate. “This is way out of hand

It’s my own wedding that chase me from land

You’d leave too if you met her

But if you can do no better

Well then you can just stay here on the sand.”

“Want a wife that make you immortal as I?

Greatness and novels are an over told lie

Well you can’t have Denise

But I throw in her adopted Irish niece

Gees you’re making this bid over high”

It was then that the second mate spoke

Sounding as if he was making a joke

“It’s starvation not tall tales we’re cursed

 And of wives that won’t be, we had worse

But we have room for a gator, wood sprite and bloke.

THE FIRST MATE WANTS MORE WIVES, FEARING MURDER IF THERE AREN'T ENOUGH WIVES TO GO AROUND

The first mate’s rage made his face turn quite blue

Shouting, ‘men you just don’t have a clue

With too few wives, I know what would happen

When seven women, eight men and the captain

Fight to the death over who marries who

THE SECOND MATE WANTS MORE WIVES ADDED TO THE OFFER

Said the second, “I’d feel peace inside

He knows of many wives If he hasn’t lied

How about this new deal

A new wife every meal

Means every third day I get a new bride.”

ED SUGGESTS THAT EACH MAN COULD HAVE EVERY WIFE WITHOUT INCITING JEALOUS RAGE BECAUSE THESE WIVES EXIST ONLY IN THE IMAGINATION. STILL, HE DOES UP THE OFFER

“I well know that prenuptial infatuation

Can cause war against nation to nation

Its this way, I call

Each should marry all

There is privacy in one’s own imagination”

“So what I can’t do,” the steward did say

“Is supply three brand new women each day

So one bride per day it will be

for room and broad for us three

Hell, I can give my whole stock away.”

THE THREE ARE ABOARD BY THE TIME THE CAPTAIN RETURNS

By the time O’ Winfree came back in to the picture

With his own plan to add to the mixture

Asleep, but with smile his crew wore

Were as impoverished as before

But each counted themselves seven wives richer

GLORNA SENSES A TRAP

Whispered Glorna to Ed, “This is sleazy.

The fear in my stomach make me wheezy.

We gave words not real women

Some kind of web, they’d be spinnin’

They let us aboard way too easy.

ED'S MORE WORRIED ABOUT BED BUGS

Ed says, “Bed you should dread not the deal

Most men only want women who aren’t real

And to combat the confusion

I recommend self-delusion.

Which is no help for the bite of bed bugs you’ll feel."

To be dragged on even further….


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins

Steward of Tara

Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part Three)

A couple weeks ago, Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, (finally) sent the third installment to his epic limerick, which is very loosely based on several of the characters in Staked! the third novel in the BryonySeries trilogy.

For those needing to catch up, here are the links to parts one and two:

http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/03/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-no-one.html

http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/04/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-part.html

For those who have no idea who Ed Calkins is, read this primer:

https://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2017/04/steward-setback-saturday-twenty.html

And, of course, I am MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)

For your amusement, I've included the installment along with the contents of Ed's most recent telegram. And the "panel" which he refers at the end has to do with this year's Calkins Day event (to which you are all invited.

More on the event later! :)


Dear MOMI,

    

I promise this thing has an ending somewhere but right now, I'm feeling a little like Capt. O' Windfree. This unfinished 'epic poem' has been sitting on my hard drive and I've been telling myself to ignore it and it will go away. It hasn't. I then tell myself, 'just finish it by getting to the point', but there is no point.

The poet tries to blame a Muse

Twelve Muses cast their craft willy-nilly

But this epic has gone from unlikely to silly

Seems I met number thirteen

And she’s making me scream

Cause she’s pulling me by what’s behind my own willy

Seems she’s the very muse of derange

Of two meetings she has put in my range

Both on O’Windfree’s own ship

But her pulling, I can’t skip

Here’s where the whole tale starts to get strange

Next morning, O’Windfree told the crew

Of the new plan that Ed already knew

A place called Egypt they were near

Which would trade their wares for beer

But the next part he didn’t have a clue

(Before the recovery movement or 12 step programs, self help groups were very different

The captain and crew have their Tuesday night meeting about their strange diet).

But when the foursome where away for awhile

Captain and crew had a meeting quite vile

See, the Irish have an affliction

We are prone to addiction

All while floating down the river of denial

Said the Captain, “Welcome to the non-cannibal meeting.

“We reassure each other and there plenty of seating,

that they will remember in song

that we did nothing wrong

But we also must choose who next we are eating”

“I should start this meeting with good news

None here at this meeting will draw straws and lose

Both the captain and crew

Have delivered two new

And for our next meal between the two we choose.”

“Look, If we were thieves, we would rob them

If we were from Sodom we’d nob them

And I hope to make plain

That each should explain

how we don’t have a people-eating problem”

“I’ll go first cause I’m feeling quite shoddy

I brought the women name “O” who’s a hottie.

She’s both funny and sweet

But I see her as meat

But I not the first to only want her body.”

I’ll go next cause I’m Jim the first mate

Let’s remember how we got this fate

Lost at sea for thirty days

With out food or any ways

To fish for food without nets or bait

“The next week we tried anything that we could

Rats, bedbugs, leather, cloth, flies, and even wood.

But Matt’s life starvation halted

And It’s he that should be faulted

Because when we ate he tasted so good”

Then each one here and not had agreed

That empty bellies, thirty days didn’t need.

And as soon as Matt’s meat

The whole crew finished to eat

We would draw straws on who next to feed.

After the next meal we did the fleet proud

By deciding that eating crew was allowed

Since then all agreed with our law

Expect the one drawing the short straw.

Gees there always just one in a crowd

THEN KIRK SHARES HIS 'NOT A CANNIBAL' IDEA

It’s not my name but they call me ‘Cannibal Kirk’.

It’s not true but I’m known as a jerk

But my public service,

Makes the lazy nervous.

I only eat people who wouldn’t be showing for work.

BOB GOES NEXT

My name’s Bob and I’m not being malicious

But of the losers complaining I’m suspicious

They say they’re not into vore

And they’d like to live more

But then why did they get so delicious

THEN THE COOK HAS HIS OWN IDEA

I’m Chef David and you don’t have a clue

Cause I’m different and smarter then all you

With your life chances you took

But you wouldn’t cook the cook

If a short straw I draw you’ll all want to redo

So I’ll tell you the of our food inventory

It’s a plain tail that tells the whole story

Tomorrow part of a thigh

And tonight, kidney pie

And it the last of meat from young Laurie

Perhaps two days is too far to look ahead

Future meals you don’t worry about when you’re fed

With the planning I cursed by

More cooking fat has the first guy.

The one the uneatable wood sprite call Uncle Ed

MEANWHILE, A MORE IMPORTANT MEETING...

 While the crew talked of who they’d be eating

The remaining had their own book club meeting.

They discussed far future writing

And found three so exciting

That they made “O” list for future summer reading

The cliff hanger is; what three books got chosen?

                                                          

Ruthlessly Yours,

                                                          Ed Calkins

P.S, I look forward to being on the panel the next Calkins day

Ed Calkins: The Beat Goes On

Dear MOMI,

What have I done!

I've started a story that will take four thousand years to complete and has to be told in limerick form.

More then that, the characters keep stealing my pen.

Who'd have thought Glorna would be such a punk, Ed Calkins so twisted, and a vegan gator such a bully.

None of this was my idea, but here is the third in my nameless epic limerick.

THE POET DATES THE TIME WHILE WHINING HIS STORY IS TOO HARD TO WRITE

By now It was now clear as clear can be

That both Glorna and Ed were in two thousand BC

And their gator companion made three

Now, I must be out of my tree

For thinking this telling would easy be

THE MISFIT THREE BRING WOOD FOR CARVING TO THE SHIP THEY HOPE TO SET PASSAGE BACK TO ENGLAND FROM, EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL BE FOUR THOUSAND YEARS TOO EARLY TO RETURN TO WHERE DENISE LET THEM DIE.

While the brave captain was in O’s dwelling

The three carried to the ship that was smelling

Wood removed for the dead tree

To be carved for the sailors to see

The wives that the threesome were selling

And since none of the three could carve wood

The silly steward asked if the crew would

Carve the women he described

By the stories he prescribed

And the figures’ figures that would have to be good.

ED CALKINS PITCHES HIS "WIVES," WHICH ARE OBVIOUSLY WOMEN HE NEVER MET

“First a queen with a fetish for being rolled into rugs

Cleopatra of the future Egyptian thugs

And if you meet her it would please her,

If you call yourself Julia Caesar.

Then she just might give you a few hugs.”

“Then the mystical goddess, Aphrodite

Should be married to one high and mighty

But for a limited time, what the heck

her for a place on your deck.

Just image how she looks in a nighty.”

Then there’s this Boudica the Celtic queen

With a reputation of being quite mean

But if you watch right the omens

She doesn’t like the Greeks or the Romans

But for young sailors she makes quite a scene

“Maybe horses and nude women is your guilty pleasure.

Might I suggest that Lady Godiva is your treasure

The long-haired mystique that attracts is

Her method of protesting taxes.

By riding naked through Coventry for good measure”

“There’s another that I think you should know

The whole world will call her Marilyn Monroe

She will famously flirt

Wind will hike up her shirt

This blond bombshell will make your heart go."

“Dolly Parton known for her voice and platinum blond hair

And chest you’d wish you could bare

And her homey southern charm,

Why she’d be worth the whole farm

But for passage to Ireland is quite overly fair”

THE CREWS' CARVINGS OF ED WIVES WERE QUITE GOOD

As Ed pitched, the figures carved by the crew

Made each statuette looking life like and true

Down to the smallest detail

You’d have thought any male

Would be a knickknack collector of new

THE FIRST MATE WANTS A REAL WOMAN

Said the first mate, “Look here is the deal

We’d consider you offer a steal

And take only one wife not six

If you offer us this in the mix

Make only one of the statuettes real

ED DOESN'T BELIEVE THEY WANT REAL WIVES. HE UPS THE OFFER BY THROWING IN DENISE'S ADOPTED IRISH NIECE (WITHOUT KNOWING IF THERE IS SUCH A NIECE)

Now Ed replied to the men of the sea,

“If your wives were your own cup of tea,

You’d sailed were they are

Instead of from them so far

You’re just haggling for a larger fee.”

Replied the first mate. “This is way out of hand

It’s my own wedding that chase me from land

You’d leave too if you met her

But if you can do no better

Well then you can just stay here on the sand.”

“Want a wife that make you immortal as I?

Greatness and novels are an over told lie

Well you can’t have Denise

But I throw in her adopted Irish niece

Gees you’re making this bid over high”

It was then that the second mate spoke

Sounding as if he was making a joke

“It’s starvation not tall tales we’re cursed

 And of wives that won’t be, we had worse

But we have room for a gator, wood sprite and bloke.

THE FIRST MATE WANTS MORE WIVES, FEARING MURDER IF THERE AREN'T ENOUGH WIVES TO GO AROUND

The first mate’s rage made his face turn quite blue

Shouting, ‘men you just don’t have a clue

With too few wives, I know what would happen

When seven women, eight men and the captain

Fight to the death over who marries who

THE SECOND MATE WANTS MORE WIVES ADDED TO THE OFFER

Said the second, “I’d feel peace inside

He knows of many wives If he hasn’t lied

How about this new deal

A new wife every meal

Means every third day I get a new bride.”

ED SUGGESTS THAT EACH MAN COULD HAVE EVERY WIFE WITHOUT INCITING JEALOUS RAGE BECAUSE THESE WIVES EXIST ONLY IN THE IMAGINATION. STILL, HE DOES UP THE OFFER

“I well know that prenuptial infatuation

Can cause war against nation to nation

Its this way, I call

Each should marry all

There is privacy in one’s own imagination”

“So what I can’t do,” the steward did say

“Is supply three brand new women each day

So one bride per day it will be

for room and broad for us three

Hell, I can give my whole stock away.”

THE THREE ARE ABOARD BY THE TIME THE CAPTAIN RETURNS

By the time O’ Winfree came back in to the picture

With his own plan to add to the mixture

Asleep, but with smile his crew wore

Were as impoverished as before

But each counted themselves seven wives richer

GLORNA SENSES A TRAP

Whispered Glorna to Ed, “This is sleazy.

The fear in my stomach make me wheezy.

We gave words not real women

Some kind of web, they’d be spinnin’

They let us aboard way too easy.

ED'S MORE WORRIED ABOUT BED BUGS

Ed says, “Bed you should dread not the deal

Most men only want women who aren’t real

And to combat the confusion

I recommend self-delusion.

Which is no help for the bite of bed bugs you’ll feel."

To be dragged on even further….


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins

Steward of Tara

Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part Two)

The next installment of a continuing saga by none other than the Steward himself!

Of course, the entire thing will make the most sense to readers who have read Staked!, but since Staked! contains so much nonsense, this prerequisite isn't strictly necessary.

Missed part one of Ed's epic limerick? You can read it HERE.

To buy a copy of Staked! (and the first two books in the BryonySeries trilogy), go HERE.


Dear MOMI,

I thought this (writing an epic limerick) would be easier, but its good mental exercise.

Some of the most vulgar words have been "Xed" out. If you feel a need to censor further (which I always appreciate) please "X" out with one "X" per letter only (even if it's the entire limerick).\

Example:

 

XXXXXXX XXXX XXXXXX XXX

   XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXXXX

   XXXX XXX XXXX

   XXXXXXXXXXX XX

  XXXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX

This way readers can drive themselves crazy guessing what was intended.

ED CALKINS, WHO DIDN'T HEAR A SOUND, SURVIVED WHEN THE CHIP IN THE LEPRECHAUN CAUSED THE ALLIGATOR TO BE A VEGAN

Called up Ed as Glorna was falling

“Your self-delusions are really appalling.

For you made a mistake,

No real noise did it make

It’s me not the tree that is calling.”

As he landed, Glorna said “Now I’m pissed

Your rightful end once again you have missed.

"By what myth or magical seal

"Were you not a gator meal

"And by what curse is it so hard not to exist?”

“A leprechaun not me that is cursed

"Into the open mouth it did fall first

"And it first did he eat

"Now he cannot eat meat

"He spit me out.  I’m none the worst.”

ED CONVINCES GLORNA THAT MAYBE LIFE AS A TEEN ISN'T THAT BAD. GLORNA HOPES ED WILL FORGIVE THE LITTLE MURDER ATTEMPTS. ED SPEAKS FIRST, THEN GLORNA.

“And as for you my little wood sprite friend

"Your self-destruction you need to amend

"In your real life as a boy you have gotten

"By real people no chance to be forgotten

"But only trees remember a little sprite’s end."

“Maybe life as a human’s worth living

"Another chance to reality I should be giving

"If the cosmos sees the light

"Maybe fate will treat me right

"And like my uncle Ed, I’ll be more forgiving."

ED DECIDES TO PUNISH GLORNA, NOT FOR TRYING TO KILL HIM BUT FOR ROBBING HIS CORPSE OF A LUCKY PENNY AND USING IT TO GET BEER (TO SEDUCE ANGELA)

FOR HIS LOOTING, ED PLEDGES TO DEDUCT ONE YEAR, AND FOR TRYING TO GET BEER, ANOTHER TWO. JOHN-PETER WILL BE RESURRECTED AT AGE 14 INSTEAD OF (SOME OF THE MORE VULGAR LINES ARE CENSORED. MURDER IS TOLERATED, BUT UNDERAGE DRINKING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED).

 “Hold it right there cause you’re still in trouble

"One year for the first and the second is double

"And if you cross me again

"You’ll be John-Peter at ten

"But as it is, you’ll be fourteen with beard stubble”

“But dear Uncle give me a pass or a clue,

"Young life is hard and harder on the redo

"Might I pay for my transgression

"With a trip to confession

"With full repentance for the twice I tried to kill you?”

“What? Of that arrow you think I should have ducked?

T"hat disgruntled should kill me, my dictatorship’s tucked.

"But you removed from my corpse a lucky penny

"When Denise wasn’t looking, you XXXXX XXXX benny

"So now you and your XXXXXXXXX are just XXXXXX!"

“Your assassination attempt was quite classy

"It was far more noble-minded than sassy

"But what were you thinking?

"To cause underage drinking

"And corrupt the young life of a lassie?"

GLORNA ADMITS TO LOOTING FOR MONEY TO BUY BEER IN THE HOPES OF SEDUCING ANGELA, BUT HE COMPLAINS HE WASN'T AB;E AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE AND ED ARE ON THE BANKS OF THE NILE.

 Quite puzzled did Glorna appear

Saying, “I admitted that I wanted a beer

"But I looted your corpse to buy it

"And get her to drink and to try it

"But it wasn’t enough and how’d we get here?”

ED GUESSES THAT MAYBE A MYTH HE COMPOSED WITH REPLAY ITSELF. HE EXPECTS A SHIP TO ARRIVE ON THE NILE WHERE A CAPTAIN DISEMBARKS TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

THEN THE CAPTAIN TASTES BEER AND BRINGS IT BACK TO IRELAND, ENDING THE GRAND IRISH EMPIRE BEFORE IT STARTS. SURE ENOUGH, ED IS RIGHT.

 Said Ed “I know what it might be

"On you mystical grounding, don’t fight me

"Your wish called us to the bringer of beer

"To the ancient Nile we are now here

"To see the ship of brave Captain O’ Windfree.”

As Ed said this, a distant ship did appear

Its strange smell smelled as if it were near

A badly damaged Irish vessel

The river current it did wrestle

The very one that traded perfume for beer

The famed Captain disembarked in the distance

To make the historical direction asking instance.

“We got to get there before evening,

 "Because that’s when it’s leaving.

A"nd a way to counter to our boarding, resistance.”

ED'S ASSESSMENT: THIS IS GOING TO COST

 “For that ship is the key to our Irish keep

"But without money, that sure won’t be cheap

"And vegan nutrition

"For our gator’s condition

"For other resources we’ll have to dig deep.”

GLORNA'S IDEA IS TO WAGER ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR'S VEGAN DIET

“To a bloke that never met us.

"I’d bet any amount he would bet us

"That a ruthless dictator

"Doesn’t feed his alligator

"A preposterously large head of lettuce”

ED DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA, HE'D RATHER TRADE SOME OF HIS WIVES

“A sailor cheated of money is an engager.

"The offence is considered quite major.

"The feeling I get,

"It’s unhealthy to bet

"If you don’t have the money to wager.”

“I might no longer have a lucky penny

"But there is one thing I truly have many

"I’ll get us back to my castle

"Without too much hassle,

"For a Mary or a Linda or a Jenny.”

To Glorna’s frown Ed explain “There’s a portion,

"Of my wives that were never informed of their good fortune.

"Let the buyer pay the dues

"Of informing the maidens the good news

"Yes, its trafficking but don’t blow it out of proportion.”

GLORNA DISAGREES, REMEMBERING ALL THE GIRLS THE BROWNIES ENSLAVED AND ED DOING NOTHING TO HELP.

“Oh Uncle Ed you’re just a big XXXXX

"The pain you ignore just makes me sick

"Angela and the others felt the sting

"I’d find it far more comforting

"If your ego was as small as you XXXX”

ED AGREES.

“Yes, I surely am a big XXXX to be carried

"For we are now in a cruel time we buried.

"To treat slaves quite unfair

"Many young girls out there,

"Prefer to brownies or sailors be married."

Part three coming soon!


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins
Steward of Tara

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, looking ruthless at his 2018 Calkins Day book signing.
 
                                                                                     

Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part One)

Dear MOMI,

    

I got the royalty check and everyone I know is tired of hearing about it :)

I started the epic I promised in my last post.

INTRODUCTION: ED AND CONNLA THE FAIR DANGLE FROM A TREE ON A CLIFF OVERLOOKING THE NILE

Often an epic poem chooses,

A short prayer to invoke help from the muses,

"Muses, if you don’t fully help me

"Your names go down in infamy

"With a barrage of my lyrical bruises!"

Ruthlessly, I shall start from the middle

With Ed and Glorna and their hope growing little

Locked hands Ed dangles high in a tree

Upside down Glorna hooks a branch with his knee

And to how they got there a complete riddle

But the danger just doesn’t end there

The tree dangles the perilous pair

By a cliff over a large lizard feeder

His jaws open wide, over a meter

Waiting for a meal to drop right there.

GLORNA CONTEMPLATES THE MEANING OF LIFE AND OTHER PHILOSOPHICAL CLICHES 

Said Glorna, “Must be something I missed.”

“By what method do I even exist?

“I see you holding on one hand

“My leprechaun brand”

“Yet I saw you with an arrow get kissed.”

Said the Steward, “Alive I love to remain

"But your slipping grip is causing me pain

"Please pull up me and your file

"'Fore that large crocodile

"Nullifies any need to explain."

Glorna answered “I won’t wait later

"To your own ends I just will not cater

"Tell what you mean by my file

"And that large crocodile

"Can’t you see that it an alligator?”

“John-Peter you’re losing your mind

"And I losing my grip and my rhyme

"That river’s the Nile

"So it’s a crocodile,

"Can we talk of this another time?”

“So true is it, that the river’s the Nile,

"But study that large hungry smile

"It lacks the right expression

"To commit the transgression

"Of having tears of a crocodile.”

Ed replied, “Well, my rising fright

"Must have damaged or impaired my sight

"But way down there on the ground

"I hear a gator type sound

"Pull me up and I tell you you’re right.”

Glorna said, “Curiosity make me weak

"I’d pull you up much surer if you do speak

"What was meant by ‘my file?'

"Just a rhyme for ‘crocodile’

"Or some meaning for which I should seek?”

“Woe to me, for you all over look,

"My crafted genius my work is wrongly took

"The computer program I compile

"In the leprechaun a back-up file

"The one that made John-Peter cook."

“As John-Peter, I ingested much strive

"Being a teenager can cut like a knife

"So before your safety I secure

"I need to know why to endure

"Now then, tell me the meaning of life."

“I think that I heard a branch cracking

"The time for all this thinking we’re lacking

"Glorna, don’t get your nose out of joint,

"Still you raise up an interesting point

"I may need the next limerick to start hacking”

"But one way to answer I just might have found

"To a point of view my response is quite bound

"If this tree here should fall

"And no one hears it at all

"We’d be dead. Does it still make a sound?"

Mumbled Glorna, “You think it's all about you.

"If you don’t think it, it must not be true.

"If he can’t hear it, it can’t exist.

"That’s the clue I must have missed

"Of the arrow that failed to give you your due.”

Replied Ed, “Behind my own mirror         

"My creations behave so much clearer,

"And you would do what I say,

"Instead you’re acting this way

"I know I’m not behind my own mirror."

Thinking hard, Glorna finally did say

“It makes sense if it happened this way

"In your minor you were shot,

"But now there we are not

"But your ignorance keeps nirvana at bay."

“Glorna, could you please be a lamb

"Pull me up so I’m out of this jam

"If you question my existence

"And you own too, by insistence

"Think ‘I’m ruthless and therefore I am.'"

THE FALL

“Ed, I heard all your rhyme and meter,

"And your control over character and reader

"But I could stop you if I wanna

"And I’d rather nirvana

"Ask the gator if he’ll be John-Peter."

To end Uncle Ed he released

To the gator a fat funny feast

Ed screamed words as he fell

As if he was falling down to hell

And none poetic in the least

Glorna expected himself to just cease

‘Cause Ed’s mind to being was his lease

Why did he exist when his creator

Was consumed by a gator.

Maybe his creator was really Denise.

As he thought this a philosophical carrot

Saw a hypothetic tree fall had merit

Took him on the way down to the ground

Glorna exclaimed, “It does make a sound.

"Even if no one is surviving to bear it.!"

To be continued...

Ruthlessly your and Happy Easter,

   Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara