The next installment of a continuing saga by none other than the Steward himself!
Of course, the entire thing will make the most sense to readers who have read Staked!, but since Staked! contains so much nonsense, this prerequisite isn't strictly necessary.
Missed part one of Ed's epic limerick? You can read it HERE.
To buy a copy of Staked! (and the first two books in the BryonySeries trilogy), go HERE.
Dear MOMI,
I thought this (writing an epic limerick) would be easier, but its good mental exercise.
Some of the most vulgar words have been "Xed" out. If you feel a need to censor further (which I always appreciate) please "X" out with one "X" per letter only (even if it's the entire limerick).\
Example:
This way readers can drive themselves crazy guessing what was intended.
Part three coming soon!
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins
Steward of Tara
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, looking ruthless at his 2018 Calkins Day book signing.
Of course, the entire thing will make the most sense to readers who have read Staked!, but since Staked! contains so much nonsense, this prerequisite isn't strictly necessary.
Missed part one of Ed's epic limerick? You can read it HERE.
To buy a copy of Staked! (and the first two books in the BryonySeries trilogy), go HERE.
Dear MOMI,
I thought this (writing an epic limerick) would be easier, but its good mental exercise.
Some of the most vulgar words have been "Xed" out. If you feel a need to censor further (which I always appreciate) please "X" out with one "X" per letter only (even if it's the entire limerick).\
Example:
XXXXXXX XXXX XXXXXX XXX
XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXXXX
XXXX XXX XXXX
XXXXXXXXXXX XX
XXXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX
This way readers can drive themselves crazy guessing what was intended.
ED CALKINS, WHO DIDN'T HEAR A SOUND, SURVIVED WHEN THE CHIP IN THE LEPRECHAUN CAUSED THE ALLIGATOR TO BE A VEGAN
Called up Ed as Glorna was falling
“Your self-delusions are really appalling.
For you made a mistake,
No real noise did it make
It’s me not the tree that is calling.”
As he landed, Glorna said “Now I’m pissed
Your rightful end once again you have missed.
"By what myth or magical seal
"Were you not a gator meal
"And by what curse is it so hard not to exist?”
“A leprechaun not me that is cursed
"Into the open mouth it did fall first
"And it first did he eat
"Now he cannot eat meat
"He spit me out. I’m none the worst.”
ED CONVINCES GLORNA THAT MAYBE LIFE AS A TEEN ISN'T THAT BAD. GLORNA HOPES ED WILL FORGIVE THE LITTLE MURDER ATTEMPTS. ED SPEAKS FIRST, THEN GLORNA.
“And as for you my little wood sprite friend
"Your self-destruction you need to amend
"In your real life as a boy you have gotten
"By real people no chance to be forgotten
"But only trees remember a little sprite’s end."
“Maybe life as a human’s worth living
"Another chance to reality I should be giving
"If the cosmos sees the light
"Maybe fate will treat me right
"And like my uncle Ed, I’ll be more forgiving."
ED DECIDES TO PUNISH GLORNA, NOT FOR TRYING TO KILL HIM BUT FOR ROBBING HIS CORPSE OF A LUCKY PENNY AND USING IT TO GET BEER (TO SEDUCE ANGELA)
FOR HIS LOOTING, ED PLEDGES TO DEDUCT ONE YEAR, AND FOR TRYING TO GET BEER, ANOTHER TWO. JOHN-PETER WILL BE RESURRECTED AT AGE 14 INSTEAD OF (SOME OF THE MORE VULGAR LINES ARE CENSORED. MURDER IS TOLERATED, BUT UNDERAGE DRINKING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED).
“Hold it right there cause you’re still in trouble
"One year for the first and the second is double
"And if you cross me again
"You’ll be John-Peter at ten
"But as it is, you’ll be fourteen with beard stubble”
“But dear Uncle give me a pass or a clue,
"Young life is hard and harder on the redo
"Might I pay for my transgression
"With a trip to confession
"With full repentance for the twice I tried to kill you?”
“What? Of that arrow you think I should have ducked?
T"hat disgruntled should kill me, my dictatorship’s tucked.
"But you removed from my corpse a lucky penny
"When Denise wasn’t looking, you XXXXX XXXX benny
"So now you and your XXXXXXXXX are just XXXXXX!"
“Your assassination attempt was quite classy
"It was far more noble-minded than sassy
"But what were you thinking?
"To cause underage drinking
"And corrupt the young life of a lassie?"
GLORNA ADMITS TO LOOTING FOR MONEY TO BUY BEER IN THE HOPES OF SEDUCING ANGELA, BUT HE COMPLAINS HE WASN'T AB;E AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE AND ED ARE ON THE BANKS OF THE NILE.
Quite puzzled did Glorna appear
Saying, “I admitted that I wanted a beer
"But I looted your corpse to buy it
"And get her to drink and to try it
"But it wasn’t enough and how’d we get here?”
ED GUESSES THAT MAYBE A MYTH HE COMPOSED WITH REPLAY ITSELF. HE EXPECTS A SHIP TO ARRIVE ON THE NILE WHERE A CAPTAIN DISEMBARKS TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
THEN THE CAPTAIN TASTES BEER AND BRINGS IT BACK TO IRELAND, ENDING THE GRAND IRISH EMPIRE BEFORE IT STARTS. SURE ENOUGH, ED IS RIGHT.
Said Ed “I know what it might be
"On you mystical grounding, don’t fight me
"Your wish called us to the bringer of beer
"To the ancient Nile we are now here
"To see the ship of brave Captain O’ Windfree.”
As Ed said this, a distant ship did appear
Its strange smell smelled as if it were near
A badly damaged Irish vessel
The river current it did wrestle
The very one that traded perfume for beer
The famed Captain disembarked in the distance
To make the historical direction asking instance.
“We got to get there before evening,
"Because that’s when it’s leaving.
A"nd a way to counter to our boarding, resistance.”
ED'S ASSESSMENT: THIS IS GOING TO COST
“For that ship is the key to our Irish keep
"But without money, that sure won’t be cheap
"And vegan nutrition
"For our gator’s condition
"For other resources we’ll have to dig deep.”
GLORNA'S IDEA IS TO WAGER ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR'S VEGAN DIET
“To a bloke that never met us.
"I’d bet any amount he would bet us
"That a ruthless dictator
"Doesn’t feed his alligator
"A preposterously large head of lettuce”
ED DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA, HE'D RATHER TRADE SOME OF HIS WIVES
“A sailor cheated of money is an engager.
"The offence is considered quite major.
"The feeling I get,
"It’s unhealthy to bet
"If you don’t have the money to wager.”
“I might no longer have a lucky penny
"But there is one thing I truly have many
"I’ll get us back to my castle
"Without too much hassle,
"For a Mary or a Linda or a Jenny.”
To Glorna’s frown Ed explain “There’s a portion,
"Of my wives that were never informed of their good fortune.
"Let the buyer pay the dues
"Of informing the maidens the good news
"Yes, its trafficking but don’t blow it out of proportion.”
GLORNA DISAGREES, REMEMBERING ALL THE GIRLS THE BROWNIES ENSLAVED AND ED DOING NOTHING TO HELP.
“Oh Uncle Ed you’re just a big XXXXX
"The pain you ignore just makes me sick
"Angela and the others felt the sting
"I’d find it far more comforting
"If your ego was as small as you XXXX”
ED AGREES.
“Yes, I surely am a big XXXX to be carried
"For we are now in a cruel time we buried.
"To treat slaves quite unfair
"Many young girls out there,
"Prefer to brownies or sailors be married."
Part three coming soon!
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins
Steward of Tara
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, looking ruthless at his 2018 Calkins Day book signing.
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