Steward Setback Saturday: Egypt, Book Signing, and Trifle

The following email exchange originally ran on July 6, 2013. BTW, MOMI is Ed Calkins-ese for "Mistress of My Immortality."

Will Ed Calkins Attend the July 17 Book Signing? Only if He's not in Egypt....

O Steward,

Please see the attached flyer for the BryonySeries fundraiser for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties.

It's from 6 to 7:30 p.m., July 17 at 417 Taylor Street in Joliet, Illinois. Chef in training Timothy Baran will be serving "Darlene's Trifle" from the cookbook, Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles from "Bryony," with all proceeds from all cookbook sales being donated to BBBS (www.bbbswillgrundy.org).

Plus, 30 percent of sales from all other BryonySeries product will also be donated. I'm sure many readers believe you're only a fictional character. I'm convinced that if you appear and sign a few books (and destroy any unbelievers through verse), you'll dispel any previous and thoroughly false notions.

Respectfully,

MOMI

Dear MOMI

The situation in Egypt may keep me from being able to attend, but I'll be there in person or spirit.  Once again, the country is playing an elaborate prank to try and draw me into taking over the country. I would threaten to insult them, but there lies another problem with an Ed Calkins run Egypt.  

The Egyptians I know are always so nice, the only insult I could level at them is their dogs have bad breath. I can't count on the IVA (Irish Vampires Association).  As you know, the Irish have always be beholden to the country for inventing beer and then embracing a faith that forbids it's consumption (thus insuring a stable supply for the IVA). Resolving this problem is taxing my ability to sleep or spell words incorrectly.  

BTW, I haven't forgotten the ice cream plan or your daughter's ancestry (I DID IT), I'm just preoccupied.  

Ruthlessly yours, 

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

BryonySeries Steward Setback Saturday: My Calkins Day Address: An Open Letter to Egypt

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Calkins Day Address: An Open Letter to Egypt

In Bryony, Melissa meets Ireland's first official vampire, Ed Calkins. When he was alive, Ed had created an alter ego for himself, "The Steward of Tara," also known as a "ruthless dictator" who had conquered nations through insulting limericks.

Now that he is dead, Ed's imagination has no boundaries, so he freely pretends he is living the delusion. As a vampire, Ed is convinced intimidation comes not through threat of attack, but with insults. He also wholeheartedly believes true greatness rests in being Irish.

Throughout the books that comprise the Bryony series, Ed promotes that his birthday--today, February 13--should be celebrated as a national holiday with a parade, and in Bryony, Ed refers to a petition he is circulating to accomplish it.

In Bryony and in "real" life (for Ed Calkins is a real person, fictionlized twice over for Bryony), Ed works in a warehouse that distributes newspapers. In both cases, Ed accomplishes his dreams of Calkins Day glory by riding a pallet jack and tossing out handfuls of candy.

Tomorrow, I will give my reasons why I agree with Ed that Calkins Day should be a national holiday, and those reasons have nothing to do with ruthlessness, insulting verse, or honoring verbal bullies.

Here is Ed's "address," declining an "invitation" to rule Egypt. To learn more about Ed Calkins, visit Bryony's website at http://www.bryonyseries.com/ and click the link, "The Steward of Tara."


Dearest, Noble, and Grateful Egyptian Protesters,

Amidst the joyous celebrations commemorating Calkins Day, I must strike a note of regret, and decline your offer to become ruthless dictator of Egypt. Now, I wish in no way to imply that your country lacks greatness.

We of direct Irish descent have always felt a fondness for the inventors of beer. We further appreciated how your country embraced a religion that restricted its consumption to ensure a healthy supply for us true Irishmen around the world.

It was that respect, not any thought of reward or praise for myself, that prompted me to respond to your clandestine pleas for the composition of a limerick that would drive Mubarak from power. I was delighted that the objective was achieved so close to Calkins Day.

Still, I must decline your offer, as ruling Egypt would detract from my efforts towards stewardship of Tara, the striving for world peace, and my continued researching of world domination. A dictatorship such as mine might my last for fifty years or more, which could seriously limit my other efforts. Nor could I accept the billions of dollars you would be compelled to send me as compensation for my rule and wisdom.

I will always stand ready to assist Egypt or any other nation looking to replace their current dictator with a ruthless one. Together you and I (though mostly I), can show the world how powerful the threat of insults or poor opinion can work to right an undesirable situation and how war is best fought by people or nations who don't know how to compose insulting poetry.

Be not downcast on this day of victory for I will always lend my advice to your cause. Remember it shall always remain our secret that the greatest pharaohs in your country were actually Irish. In such a way we should always be as big brother to brother. On this Calkins Day, remember greatness comes not from money or weapons, but really great literature.

Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins