Since the beginning of this blog on August 1, 2010, Saturdays has been a day to celebrate BryonySeries author and Irish vampire character Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, and all things Irish.
Read this post about Ed as author, how he connects to the BryonySeries, and what he's written (so far).
And then read this piece of literary nonsense and fan fiction from Ed's third novel in his Ruthless series, called "Recovering Ruthless."
CHAPTER 8: BOOK
CLUB MEETING
It
was a small building that housed the Beulah County Sheriff’s Office, so the
interrogation room was also the conference room. The room was what you might
expect from any of the police detective movies or TV shows that air constantly
in the “Who Done It” genre. Four chairs faced four chairs with a rectangular
table to present evidence and a two-way mirror facing the suspect’s side. By
force of habit, Marsha and Matt sat side by side with their backs to that
mirror. They waited impatiently for a third person to start their book club
meeting. On the table was a copy of the novel “Staked!”
“It seems we’re in for a hell of
a Christmas,” Marsha commented dryly. “According to the book, Beulah County
will get national television coverage because of a whole bunch of things we
can't explain.”
“One of the rare times the county
is part of the country,” Matt added, making a sour face. “Hopefully the whole
thing quickly fades away. The medical mystery of John-Peter’s death shouldn't
be too much of a problem in that it is a medical mystery. They'll be a
whole bunch of ‘no comment’ replies to that. But the missing body of John-Peter
and the sixty teenage girls with branded backs that just appear in the basement
of Eircheard’s Emporium…” Matt shook his head. “At least we know to schedule extra
dispatchers for Christmas.”
“Are you’re worried about the
State auditing our department and – maybe – arresting some of us?” Marsha
asked. “I mean, we’re all fugitives in some fashion.”
Matt shrugged. “I’m sure they’ll
audit, but it I’m guessing it won’t be my problem. I’m not getting reelected,
and that Pike fellow will be in office by the time they do. It’s not like they’re
going to find any records that will incriminate anyone. All they might decide
is that ‘Sheriff Matt’ didn’t bother with records. All fine with me. Beulah
County never bothered with county sheriff elections.”
“I guess a ‘no last names’ policy
comes in handy now.” Marsha stared at the book. “Can we do anything to save
John-Peter?”
“Nope. Ed warned me that
everything has to be consistent with the book or we’ll be messing with
something he calls ‘deep time’ and we’ll all get as crazy as he is.” Matt slumped
in his chair and sighed. “Anyway, I don’t see how we could save him. John-Peter
dies in Ed’s imagination as it’s collapsing. And Ed Calkins and Kellen Wechsler
are already dead.”
“If we do nothing, nothing in the
book happens,” Ed said, suddenly appearing in the room.
Only Marsha was startled, and
just a touch at that.
“There isn’t a single word about
the ‘Rules of the Damned’ in ‘Staked!’ either,” Marsha said continued. “Why
would a book about Munsonville vampires omit such an important contract between
the living and undead?”
Ed laughed. “Don’t you
understand? It’s not important. The book is about me, not law enforcement. In
fact, the whole trilogy it's about me.”
“This is a part of a trilogy?”
Matt held up the book. “By the same author?”
“Of course. Do you think she’d
only write one book about how ruthless I am? Look at it from Melissa’s point of
view.”
“John Peter’s mother?” Marsha
asked.
“Yes. In the first book,
‘Bryony’, she gets introduced to me and I ask her to marry me. She didn’t say
yes. After that, she falls in love with the vampire John Simon, who eventually
dies for good. So then she has to marry Kellen Weschler at the end of the
second book, ‘Visage’ in order to save her son’s life.”
“How is that all about you?”
Marsha persisted.
“Don’t you see?” Ed proclaimed.
“None of this would have happened if Melissa had married me in the first book.
My marriages have no sex or ceremony, so she never has to sleep with a vampire.
Also, she gets some of my luck and probably never falls in love with John Simons.
The trilogy is a cautionary tale to young women. If Ed Calkins asks you to
marry him, it might be the only time he does so. Now, The Goddess herself
disagrees with this, but she only writes the books. That doesn’t mean she understands
them.”
“Aren’t we straying from the
point here?” Matt asked irritably. “You said earlier that if we do nothing, none
of the events in the book happens – and I’m wondering if that would be a good
thing.”
“It would not,” Ed said. “Some
time before November, a pair of werewolves maul the entire town of Shelby,
Munsonville, and a good part of Thornton. I was wandering alterative timelines
looking for something else. Don’t ever wander in alterative timelines, but I
had my reasons. Anyway, I did not stick around to see what happened or who got
eaten or killed, but the number was high enough that no one left alive stays in
Beulah County.”
Matt sat straight up. “Sounds bad.
What do we have to do?”
Ed looked confused.
“I’m not sure,” Ed admitted. “I
know it’s mostly you, Sheriff, who prevents it. I only have a supporting role,
providing logistics.”
Marsha’s fist came down hard on the
table. “Damn you, Ed! Think!”
Ed scratched his beard and
thought.
“I know it has something to do
with a raid on Kellen Wechsler, but not at his home or business. Does that make
sense?”
“Arcadia then?” Matt asked,
brightening.
“Why, yes. You must have read
‘Before the Blood’. It was/is/will be The Goddess’ greatest work that didn’t
include me. Since it was a prequel about Munsonville vampires, her omission
begs the question ‘why’…probably the greatest literary mystery of all time.”
“We’ve already raided Arcadia,”
Matt reminded him, trying to keep Ed focused, by far Martt’s most difficult
task as sheriff. “Remember? You were there when we found the room where Kellen
keeps his redheaded, maiden victims. We were enforcing the treaty outlined in
‘Rules of the Damned.’ Kellen didn’t have the proper paperwork for some of them
and we were able to recuse some of them and ticket him for…”
“Sounds really dangerous…not like something I would be
in on…interrupting Kellen while he plays with his food,” Ed said, looking
shocked.
Marsha leaped to her feet. “You moron! You were our
hostage! We threated to stake you if Kellen didn’t stand down!”
“I doubt that.” Ed protested,
shaking his head. “We wouldn’t be still friends if you forced me, and I can’t
imagine agreeing to something…”
“It was your idea!” Matt and
Marsha shouted in unison.
Ed grinned. “Ah, another
ruthlessly clever idea of mine that worked.”
“Yes, yes, you’re great.” Matt
waved away that topic. “Here’s the thing that’s really important, Ed. Did we
already do what needs to be done?”
“I’m not sure? Where in the book
are you?”
Marsha snorted. “We both finished
it, of course!”
“No, I mean what page number are
we living right now? Wait, another way of asking, what day is today? Is it
before Halloween or after?” But Ed answered his own question with a glance at
the calendar hanging on the wall. “No. More has to be done. But the sheriff is
already inclined to start that by himself. The real problem is the dream. I
know what you’re planning with Trudy, and I understand. But don’t do it till
she’s had the dream.”
“I don’t see why anything else
has to be done,” Marsha complained, clearly frustrated with Ed.
Seconds later, she wished she hadn’t said a word as Ed
went into a long explanation about the thing they already knew.
“It was a crazy but landmark
treaty between the living and the vampires made between the Beulah County Sheriff’s
office and the recently empowered ‘Council of the Damned,’” Ed said. “The
treaty would limit the killings of living people to those fatally involved in a
suicide or murder/suicide. Such people would be teleported out of their own
time using a vampire-enhanced enchanted dream such as Trudy could provide.
These people would then feed the vampires and let nature’s ‘autocorrect’ handle
the missing corpses by letting the intention play out in the time of origin. In
this way, bodies of the suicides and homicide would be found without a
suspicious lack of blood. In exchange, vampires would no longer fatally feed on
anyone else or risk the wrath of the ‘Council of the Damned’ and be subjected
to the penalties mandated by the ‘Rules of the Damned.’”
“We know that, Ed,” Matt said in
a strained voice as he, too, was nearing the end of his patience. “What Marsha
meant was, how does bringing back the vampire Susan Betts help? Is that in some
book that you forget to give us to read?”
Ed shook his head. “No. It’s
definitely not in any book or I wouldn't have forgotten it. Like I said, I’ve
been searching alterative timelines and it all gets really confusing really
quickly. It has something to do with defeating Kellen Wechsler who may or may
not have turned her. Now, in ‘Before the Blood,’ Kellen tells Bryony that Susan
committed suicide after giving birth to someone you know as Grandma Sue Barnes,
the founder of Sue’s Diner. Now in ‘Call of the Siren’ also by Denise
Baran-Unland…”
“Ed, please,” Matt pleaded,
rubbing his forehead. “We’re not her to analyze or review books that haven't
been written yet. Can we get back to the matter at hand? Why do we need to
rescue another vampire? It seems to me that in ‘Staked!’, Kellen and you are
both goners. Are you saying that the book gets it wrong? I know you’re still
here, but…”
“You’re right,” Ed admitted.
“With time travel, even if it’s not the deep time that made me crazy, the
person facing you might have already been killed in your past but not his or
hers. With vampires, there’s another dimension. It’s one thing to kill a
vampire, but you have to finish killing them or they just reanimate. That’s why we needed Professor Cornell Dyer
all these years. Now, in ‘The Phoenix,’ another book by the goddess, Kellen
hires Cornell to…”
“Stop it!” Marsha shouted. “We’re
not interested in your book reviews! If anything is SOOOOO important in these other
books, why didn’t you give us those to read, too?”
“I shouldn’t even have given you
this one.” Ed spread out his hands. “Marsha, Matt, try and understand how
dangerous this is for me to bring a written work into the past it’s been
written about. But trying to stay on topic, I’m almost positive Kellen survives
being stabbed and cremated. He had plenty of time to plan, and he knew Melissa
meant to kill him on John Peter’s birthday. You both read that in ‘Staked!’ You
also know that Melissa didn’t inherit any money. It's because Kellen moved all
his funds into the future.”
Matt now felt more willing to
take the psychotic vampire at his word.
“Ed, I knew Susan Betts was important. I just didn’t
remember why,” Matt said, more calmly this time. I also remember a name
connected to all of this, and possible controlling it as well: Lord Lawrence
Girard.
“Who’s he?” Marsha asked.
“One of the werewolves.” Ed
answered Marsha and then disappeared in a puff.
“Must be a younger version of himself,” Matt mumbled.
“In the versions we’ve seen lately, he forgets he can do that.”
