Dish Towels and Dish Rags

These cloths sitting on my washing machine probably don't look like anything valuable.

But they are.

In 2013, I wrote a story for The Herald-News in Joliet about a Joliet author, Thomas Meisinger (a later a guest blogger for the BryonySeries, too), who had memorialized the close relationship he had with his grandmother in this book.

I don't remember her full name. I only remember her as Grandma Margie.

I met Grandma Margie just twice. The first time was at a restaurant on Eastern Orthodox Holy Saturday, when we were super busy cooking Easter foods, the busiest day of our whole year, because the author really wanted me to come out and meet her, because she had really loved The Herald-News story I had written about her.

The second was a year later. I was just hired as features editor at The Herald-News (I had previously freelanced for The Herald-News for about fifteeen years), and Grandma Margie came in one day with a box of dish towels she had embroidered for me.

She had no idea how poor we were at the time. We had either just moved out of my parents home into a two bedroom apartment at The Birches in Joliet or we were in the process of looking for apartments - I can't remember which..

Either way, Grandma Margie's dish towels were the only dish towels we owned for a very long time. 

Now, backing up a few years, when we delivered thousands of newspapers in the middle of the night, an elderly customer made us some dish rags. 

Her house was quite away from Route 6, and she could not get to her newspaper tube to get the newspaper, especially once it snowed. Many times, our van could not make it to her porch either. 

So I would park on Route 6, and one of the kids would tromp through deep snow all the way to her porch.

One day, in gratitude, she gave us a set of dish cloths she had crocheted for us. We still have two (the others have since fallen apart with many, many, many washings of dishes).

Both women have since passed away, Grandma Margie, just recently.

But we always thought of them, and still do, every time we picked up one of these cloths, cloths that we still use in our home. 

Some day, even the towels will be a memory. So, for now, we treasure them.

BryonySeries Throwback Thursday: "How to Attend a Wedding When You're a Bachelor Vampire," by Thomas Meisinger

Thursday, June 28, 2012

"How to Attend a Wedding When You're a Bachelor Vampire," by Thomas Meisinger

Thomas Meisinger was born, raised, and educated in Chicago's southwest suburbs. He began performing standup comedy in 2009 while in college. Meisinger said that if he had spent as much time filling out job applications as he did writing jokes during his last semester, he would probably have a better paying job.

Currently residing utterly alone in Joplin, Missouri, Meisinger has since shifted his focus to writing. He currently has three blogs (Dear Grandma Margie, Bacon, Eggs, and Whiskey, and Penguins are Pretentious), and also steps in as a guest blogger on multiple other sites.

Meisinger is the author of The World Is Shallow; That’s Why I Never Learned How to Swim, the winner of Mrs. Cavanaugh’s Second Grade Penmanship Award, and an avid collector of fake phone numbers handed to him by women in bars.

"How to Attend a Wedding When You’re a Bachelor Vampire"

By Thomas Meisinger

It’s summertime so you know what that means! Teenage girls are skipping the part-time job at Dairy Queen and instead fueling time machines with O-Positive blood. If you don’t have a Lincoln-Way student conspiring to keep you from going out for tea with the boys, then you will most likely be invited to a wedding and attending alone. To avoid retreating into a coffin just follow a few simple steps.

1. Stray away from day weddings. I don’t think this needs an explanation considering sunlight will burn your skin. If you absolutely must make an appearance, make sure you’re completed covered from head to toe. When someone inquires why you are fully-clothed in twenty-five degree Celsius weather, create an elaborate tale of how you were injured in the Crimean War. For example, say you were cared for by Florence Nightingale and even managed to outwit her in a game of charades. This will truly impress any Brit.

2. Don’t be an Irishman and skimp on the proper gift. It would make sense to barter for a baby crib but don’t contribute to social problems. Be unique and pay the extra wages for a chandelier. If you are experiencing financial woes, suck the blood of a rich person and steal the gold coins underneath their loom. How do I know it’s there? Why, I’ve been stealing from it for decades.

3. Keep the conversation neutral at the reception. The last thing you need to do is create quarrels at such a joyous event. To prevent duels, just lie if you are asked about your political opinion. If the wedding was held at a Roman Catholic cathedral, talk about how your father was a Tory. Do not, (and I emphasize) do not, mention or even hint at the fact you are a vampire. Remember that Tories agreed with those British ex-pat Americans and they burned anyone who even seemed a little bit special at the stake. If the ceremony is at an Anglican church, lie and say you are a Whig. It’s okay to mention you are a vampire there because it’s a little known fact that Robert Walpole enjoyed sucking blood. (Samuel Johnson was close. The first Whig wasn’t the devil, he was a vampire.)

4. Be social with the ladies. Weddings are an excellent opportunity to find a lovely dame and coincidentally your next victim. Make her swoon by quoting Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations or boasting of killing Nile Crocodiles in the Suez Canal. Sure, crocodiles don’t live in the Suez but if she doesn’t know that, she’ll also believe it’s perfectly normal you were born with abnormally large canines. If the bride can manage to sneak along friends from the twenty-first century, ask her maid of honor if she thinks Snooki and The Situation are “more than friends”.

5. Last but not least, show off your centuries of dancing experience on the ballroom floor. If they are unimpressed and don’t greet your final bow with applause, wait for the lights to dim, hold the prettiest gal in the room close, and vanish from sight.

Illustration by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt for "Bryony."

BryonySeries Throwback Thursday: Guest Post by Thomas Meisinger: What Matters in Life

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Guest Post by Thomas Meisinger: What Matters in Life

What Matters in Life

By Thomas Meisinger

Originally published Saturday, October 10, 2014

Me: Do you ever feel like you're THIS close to having everything you've ever wanted?

Friend: No, I don't think it's possible.

I had this conversation with a mentor a week ago. Then I listened to this Christian author/speaker during one of my midnight siestas at my parent's house. Until 2 AM I stared at my childhood bedroom closet full of toys, clothes, and board games and thought about what really matters. As I spend this vacation reconnecting with my dad’s family and celebrating my Grandma Meisinger's 90th birthday, I've learned what matters most is....to not disclose now if I want you to keep reading.

When I was twenty-three I was offered a job with better pay, better hours, and more responsibility. It was definitive advancement for my career. It was also in Fayetteville, Arkansas, home to U of A (Go Razorbacks!) and nothing else. In addition, the workplace gave off a Boy’s Club frat vibe. Why would I want to live in a place I would eventually hate once the extra money disappeared? Why would I spend fifty hours a week in a room of people I didn't trust? So I didn't.

So if money didn’t matter, what did? I didn’t have much of a social life in Joplin. I spent most of my evenings watching cable TV, writing, and drinking alone at bars. I had a few friends, but knew they contributed more to the relationship than I ever could. It destroyed my confidence and made me depressed. It wasn’t good for my health, faith, or mind. After much hesitation I turned to God and knew it was only going to get worse if I kept to myself. I vowed to move to St. Louis within six months.  Thirty-three days later I had multiple job offers and was looking at apartments.

I moved to St. Louis to have a social life and be closer to family. I was done feeling sorry for myself all the time. But before that could happen I needed to reconnect with my family and that didn’t happen right away. Instead, I attended almost daily happy hours and didn’t notice a change. I had an older co-worker tell me I couldn’t live on deadlines and expect things to happen. But that was also the same guy who once drunkenly told me advice was overrated.

I began taking better care of myself and lost thirty pounds in a year. Now I’m working out more than ever. Drinking helps me forget I’m “losing the game” when I don’t want to play at all. I don’t even want to be around people who want to play the game and I learned that from my last relationship. It didn’t bother me when it was over because the following day I woke up and knew I was THIS close.

I was THIS close to waking up before dawn to focus on my health at the gym. I was THIS close to daily counseling with a Christian friend sharing his view from one step ahead. I was THIS close to having a job where I start every day off by making sure everyone hears “Good morning!” I was THIS close to talking to family every day. I was THIS close to becoming an active member in my church. I was THIS close to learning there are no blueprints for a relationship. I was THIS close to actually listening to my coworker when they said, “You’re a smart, funny, good-looking guy! You have no reason to be shy!” I was THIS close to having all the confidence back and then some.

It's the confidence in knowing what matters most is those sitting around you. Asking my friend if he had ever had that feeling didn’t refer to owning a fancy house, having a powerful job, or traveling across the world. I was asking him if he knew what he wanted. I was asking him if it was time to put it back in the box.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Thomas Meisinger was born, raised and educated in Chicago's southwest suburbs. He began performing stand-up comedy in 2009 while in college. You may have seen him at The Comedy Shrine, Edge Comedy Club, and other establishments he doesn't like enough to give free publicity. If he spent as much time filling out job applications as he did writing jokes during his last semester, he would probably have a better paying job. Currently residing utterly alone in Missouri, he has since shifted his focus to writing.

He spent a year working on his first novel, The World Is Shallow; That's Why I Never Learned How to Swim, which is currently available on all major eBook retail sites. The humorous fictional autobiography has received rave reviews from family, friends, and stray cats wandering his apartment. Meisinger’s favorite hobby is people-watching at coffee shops but let's face it, he really just has a staring problem.

He currently writes five blogs: Penguins are Pretentious (www.penguinsarepretentious.blogspot.com) is a collection of Meisinger’s ideas, opinions and experiences. Bacon, Eggs, and Whiskey (www.baconeggsandwhiskey.blogspot.com) is life from a bachelor’s point of view. Spiritual Vitamin (www.spiritualvitamin.blogspot.com) contains Christian-themed reflections. Dear Grandma Margie (www.deargrandmamargie.blogspot.com) is a series of fictional letters Meisinger wrote to his real grandmother. The St Louis Laugh Report at stlouislaughreport.blogspot.com is open only to invited readers, as is Bacon, Eggs and Whiskey and Dear Grandma Margie.

If you must, "Like" Meisinger's Facebook Fan Page, follow him on Twitter at #TomMeisinger., or check out his website at www.funnythomas.com.

Guest Post by Thomas Meisinger: What Matters in Life

What Matters in Life

By Thomas Meisinger

Originally published Saturday, October 10, 2014

Me: Do you ever feel like you're THIS close to having everything you've ever wanted?

Friend: No, I don't think it's possible.

I had this conversation with a mentor a week ago. Then I listened to this Christian author/speaker during one of my midnight siestas at my parent's house. Until 2 AM I stared at my childhood bedroom closet full of toys, clothes, and board games and thought about what really matters. As I spend this vacation reconnecting with my dad’s family and celebrating my Grandma Meisinger's 90th birthday, I've learned what matters most is....to not disclose now if I want you to keep reading.

When I was twenty-three I was offered a job with better pay, better hours, and more responsibility. It was definitive advancement for my career. It was also in Fayetteville, Arkansas, home to U of A (Go Razorbacks!) and nothing else. In addition, the workplace gave off a Boy’s Club frat vibe. Why would I want to live in a place I would eventually hate once the extra money disappeared? Why would I spend fifty hours a week in a room of people I didn't trust? So I didn't.

So if money didn’t matter, what did? I didn’t have much of a social life in Joplin. I spent most of my evenings watching cable TV, writing, and drinking alone at bars. I had a few friends, but knew they contributed more to the relationship than I ever could. It destroyed my confidence and made me depressed. It wasn’t good for my health, faith, or mind. After much hesitation I turned to God and knew it was only going to get worse if I kept to myself. I vowed to move to St. Louis within six months.  Thirty-three days later I had multiple job offers and was looking at apartments.

I moved to St. Louis to have a social life and be closer to family. I was done feeling sorry for myself all the time. But before that could happen I needed to reconnect with my family and that didn’t happen right away. Instead, I attended almost daily happy hours and didn’t notice a change. I had an older co-worker tell me I couldn’t live on deadlines and expect things to happen. But that was also the same guy who once drunkenly told me advice was overrated.

I began taking better care of myself and lost thirty pounds in a year. Now I’m working out more than ever. Drinking helps me forget I’m “losing the game” when I don’t want to play at all. I don’t even want to be around people who want to play the game and I learned that from my last relationship. It didn’t bother me when it was over because the following day I woke up and knew I was THIS close.

I was THIS close to waking up before dawn to focus on my health at the gym. I was THIS close to daily counseling with a Christian friend sharing his view from one step ahead. I was THIS close to having a job where I start every day off by making sure everyone hears “Good morning!” I was THIS close to talking to family every day. I was THIS close to becoming an active member in my church. I was THIS close to learning there are no blueprints for a relationship. I was THIS close to actually listening to my coworker when they said, “You’re a smart, funny, good-looking guy! You have no reason to be shy!” I was THIS close to having all the confidence back and then some.

It's the confidence in knowing what matters most is those sitting around you. Asking my friend if he had ever had that feeling didn’t refer to owning a fancy house, having a powerful job, or traveling across the world. I was asking him if he knew what he wanted. I was asking him if it was time to put it back in the box.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Thomas Meisinger was born, raised and educated in Chicago's southwest suburbs. He began performing stand-up comedy in 2009 while in college. You may have seen him at The Comedy Shrine, Edge Comedy Club, and other establishments he doesn't like enough to give free publicity. If he spent as much time filling out job applications as he did writing jokes during his last semester, he would probably have a better paying job. Currently residing utterly alone in Missouri, he has since shifted his focus to writing.

He spent a year working on his first novel, The World Is Shallow; That's Why I Never Learned How to Swim, which is currently available on all major eBook retail sites. The humorous fictional autobiography has received rave reviews from family, friends, and stray cats wandering his apartment. Meisinger’s favorite hobby is people-watching at coffee shops but let's face it, he really just has a staring problem.

He currently writes five blogs: Penguins are Pretentious (www.penguinsarepretentious.blogspot.com) is a collection of Meisinger’s ideas, opinions and experiences. Bacon, Eggs, and Whiskey (www.baconeggsandwhiskey.blogspot.com) is life from a bachelor’s point of view. Spiritual Vitamin (www.spiritualvitamin.blogspot.com) contains Christian-themed reflections. Dear Grandma Margie (www.deargrandmamargie.blogspot.com) is a series of fictional letters Meisinger wrote to his real grandmother. The St Louis Laugh Report at stlouislaughreport.blogspot.com is open only to invited readers, as is Bacon, Eggs and Whiskey and Dear Grandma Margie.

If you must, "Like" Meisinger's Facebook Fan Page, follow him on Twitter at #TomMeisinger., or check out his website at www.funnythomas.com.