Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, Receives a Birthday Limerick

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, BryonySeries author and Irish vampire character, reads the birthday limerick WriteOn Joliet member Recapper Jenny presented to Ed on Calkins Day (Feb. 13) 2026 at The Book Market in Crest Hill.

Calkins Day 2023: The Limerick That Wasn't

Calkins Day 2023: Ed Calkins Signature BryonySeries Limerick

Calkins Day 2023: A Limerick for Ed Calkins

A Silly Bit of Irish Fun

What can be more silly and more Irish than a limerick?

Well, maybe lots of things.

But not on Feb. 13.

From 6 to 8:30 p.m. (to be exact).

Because that's when we're celebrating our first Limerick Match in honor of Calkins Day 2019.

Yes, we know the Steward of Tara would prefer a parade.

But until he (or someone) organizes one for him, we'll host other things.

Like the Limerick Match.

It's basically an all-age competition (in teams, if we have enough people) to see who can deliver the most entertaining family-friendly limericks to attendees and patrons at the Book and Bean Cafe, 3395 Black Road in Joliet, where we're holding the match.

You can bring original limericks, choose some of ours (printed out for you that night), look them up online during the competition and/or any combination thereof.

Extra points for originality and even more points if they praise Ed Calkins, the host for the night.

And prizes, compliments of the cafe.

Not sure who Ed Calkins is and what Calkins Day is all about?

Then check out this link: http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2017/02/happy-calkins-day-primer-and-tips-for.html

Oh, and Irish/St. Patrick/green/leprechaun-themed attire is encouraged but not mandatory.

Overall, it's a night to be creative and have some rhyming fun.

Hope to see you there!

Limerick Lovers! This is an Event for You!

Come celebrate Calkins Day 2019 on Feb. 13 at the Book and Bean Cafe, 3395 Black Road in Joliet with a Limerick Off.

And what, might you say, is a Limerick Off?

It's basically an all-age competition (in teams, if we have enough people) to see who can deliver the most entertaining family-friendly limericks to attendees and cafe patrons.

You can bring original limericks, choose some of ours (printed out for you that night), look them up online during the competition and/or any combination thereof.

Extra points for originality and even more points if they praise Ed Calkins, the host for the night.

Not sure who Ed Calkins is and what Calkins Day is all about?

Then check out this link: http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2017/02/happy-calkins-day-primer-and-tips-for.html

Oh, and Irish/St. Patrick/green/leprechaun-themed attire is encouraged but not mandatory.

Overall, it's a night to be creative and have some rhyming fun.

BTW, I have a really awesome flyer created by Maureen Blevins, but the PDF version won't post. I promise to share it when I have it in jpg form.

Until then, here is a photo from last year's Calkins Day event.

Where is Ed Calkins?

The Steward of Tara has been silent too long, methinks. Contemplating sending a telegram if he doesn't reach out by the end of today.

In the meantime, I have three appointments to keep: all related to books and writing. 

If you see Limerick Master, please ask him to step into his imagination and send a few amusing words.

Oh, and if you love the Gothic genre, stop by the Book and Bean today at 12:30 p.m. We're discussing Sue Mydliak's first vampire book, Birthright. Copies are available in the cafe.

Have a great Saturday! :)

Ed Calkins: An "Excuse" Limerick

But first an excerpt from Staked! For contextual reasons.

“Hey, John-Peter!” a large, burly man called from across the aisle. “I didn’t get my Thornton Times!”

            “Count?”

            The man stretched his tight and faded blue T-shirt over his hefty belly, trying to cover the last inch of skin and failing. “Thirteen.”

            John-Peter handed them to the man who belched in reply. He couldn’t blame the carrier, or any of the other drivers, for being grouchy tonight. Their boss, Joe Reece, had tucked a policy change into their paycheck envelopes stipulating that only a certain number and colors of bags would be distributed. If carriers required more than that amount, the cost would be deducted from the next week’s pay.

            That move prompted Uncle Ed to express his displeasure with a limerick:

            There once was a cheap boss named Reece

            Whose supplies to carriers decreased

            When the carriers cried, “Foul!”

            Reece spat as he howled,

            “I’ll make you share one sleeve apiece!”

           

            “Someday,” Ed said, leaning close to John-Peter and dropping his voice, “people will refer to cheap acts as ‘doing a Reece.’”

            No negative situation existed where Uncle Ed could not compose an appropriate limerick.

            “The limerick is the most superior kind of poem,” Uncle Ed had often him. “Not only can people pronounce it, they can remember it and it flows freely from the tongue. This sort of poetry works in two ways. The words I say create fear in others, fear of how they will be remembered. This fear then promotes a willingness in your enemy to compromise, to confront you in more friendly terms, or maybe to ally with you.”

             But if Joe Reece, or anyone else for that matter, cowered in terror before Ed Calkins, he never showed it. Even the carriers themselves rarely expressed the respect and appreciation John-Peter felt was due Ed for his hard work.

            Ed printed and sorted route books, oversaw the unloading and distribution of entire truckloads of products, including bag shipments and fifteen different publications totaling over ten thousand newspapers. In addition, Ed fielded complaints, dispensed bags, retrieved and carried garbage to the dumpsters, and swept the warehouse. This was in addition to his regular, carrier responsibilities. Ed delivered newspapers to the outlying and remote areas no driver wanted to touch, including Munsonville. 

And now, today's telegram

Dear MOMI,

I don't have a post today. It's not my fault. I'm still at work on my make believe route.

    The truck hath arrived none too soon

    the fault of the Irish Tribune.

    So heed my advice

    The traffic's not nice

    I'll finish my route around noon.

Take that you big bullies! I hope it follows you when you go out of business! I hope my limerick stains your legacy!

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Illustration by Christopher Gleason for "Staked!"

For more information on the BryonySeries (including the novel "Staked!"), visit www.bryonyseries.com.

Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part Two)

The next installment of a continuing saga by none other than the Steward himself!

Of course, the entire thing will make the most sense to readers who have read Staked!, but since Staked! contains so much nonsense, this prerequisite isn't strictly necessary.

Missed part one of Ed's epic limerick? You can read it HERE.

To buy a copy of Staked! (and the first two books in the BryonySeries trilogy), go HERE.


Dear MOMI,

I thought this (writing an epic limerick) would be easier, but its good mental exercise.

Some of the most vulgar words have been "Xed" out. If you feel a need to censor further (which I always appreciate) please "X" out with one "X" per letter only (even if it's the entire limerick).\

Example:

 

XXXXXXX XXXX XXXXXX XXX

   XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXXXX

   XXXX XXX XXXX

   XXXXXXXXXXX XX

  XXXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX

This way readers can drive themselves crazy guessing what was intended.

ED CALKINS, WHO DIDN'T HEAR A SOUND, SURVIVED WHEN THE CHIP IN THE LEPRECHAUN CAUSED THE ALLIGATOR TO BE A VEGAN

Called up Ed as Glorna was falling

“Your self-delusions are really appalling.

For you made a mistake,

No real noise did it make

It’s me not the tree that is calling.”

As he landed, Glorna said “Now I’m pissed

Your rightful end once again you have missed.

"By what myth or magical seal

"Were you not a gator meal

"And by what curse is it so hard not to exist?”

“A leprechaun not me that is cursed

"Into the open mouth it did fall first

"And it first did he eat

"Now he cannot eat meat

"He spit me out.  I’m none the worst.”

ED CONVINCES GLORNA THAT MAYBE LIFE AS A TEEN ISN'T THAT BAD. GLORNA HOPES ED WILL FORGIVE THE LITTLE MURDER ATTEMPTS. ED SPEAKS FIRST, THEN GLORNA.

“And as for you my little wood sprite friend

"Your self-destruction you need to amend

"In your real life as a boy you have gotten

"By real people no chance to be forgotten

"But only trees remember a little sprite’s end."

“Maybe life as a human’s worth living

"Another chance to reality I should be giving

"If the cosmos sees the light

"Maybe fate will treat me right

"And like my uncle Ed, I’ll be more forgiving."

ED DECIDES TO PUNISH GLORNA, NOT FOR TRYING TO KILL HIM BUT FOR ROBBING HIS CORPSE OF A LUCKY PENNY AND USING IT TO GET BEER (TO SEDUCE ANGELA)

FOR HIS LOOTING, ED PLEDGES TO DEDUCT ONE YEAR, AND FOR TRYING TO GET BEER, ANOTHER TWO. JOHN-PETER WILL BE RESURRECTED AT AGE 14 INSTEAD OF (SOME OF THE MORE VULGAR LINES ARE CENSORED. MURDER IS TOLERATED, BUT UNDERAGE DRINKING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED).

 “Hold it right there cause you’re still in trouble

"One year for the first and the second is double

"And if you cross me again

"You’ll be John-Peter at ten

"But as it is, you’ll be fourteen with beard stubble”

“But dear Uncle give me a pass or a clue,

"Young life is hard and harder on the redo

"Might I pay for my transgression

"With a trip to confession

"With full repentance for the twice I tried to kill you?”

“What? Of that arrow you think I should have ducked?

T"hat disgruntled should kill me, my dictatorship’s tucked.

"But you removed from my corpse a lucky penny

"When Denise wasn’t looking, you XXXXX XXXX benny

"So now you and your XXXXXXXXX are just XXXXXX!"

“Your assassination attempt was quite classy

"It was far more noble-minded than sassy

"But what were you thinking?

"To cause underage drinking

"And corrupt the young life of a lassie?"

GLORNA ADMITS TO LOOTING FOR MONEY TO BUY BEER IN THE HOPES OF SEDUCING ANGELA, BUT HE COMPLAINS HE WASN'T AB;E AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE AND ED ARE ON THE BANKS OF THE NILE.

 Quite puzzled did Glorna appear

Saying, “I admitted that I wanted a beer

"But I looted your corpse to buy it

"And get her to drink and to try it

"But it wasn’t enough and how’d we get here?”

ED GUESSES THAT MAYBE A MYTH HE COMPOSED WITH REPLAY ITSELF. HE EXPECTS A SHIP TO ARRIVE ON THE NILE WHERE A CAPTAIN DISEMBARKS TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

THEN THE CAPTAIN TASTES BEER AND BRINGS IT BACK TO IRELAND, ENDING THE GRAND IRISH EMPIRE BEFORE IT STARTS. SURE ENOUGH, ED IS RIGHT.

 Said Ed “I know what it might be

"On you mystical grounding, don’t fight me

"Your wish called us to the bringer of beer

"To the ancient Nile we are now here

"To see the ship of brave Captain O’ Windfree.”

As Ed said this, a distant ship did appear

Its strange smell smelled as if it were near

A badly damaged Irish vessel

The river current it did wrestle

The very one that traded perfume for beer

The famed Captain disembarked in the distance

To make the historical direction asking instance.

“We got to get there before evening,

 "Because that’s when it’s leaving.

A"nd a way to counter to our boarding, resistance.”

ED'S ASSESSMENT: THIS IS GOING TO COST

 “For that ship is the key to our Irish keep

"But without money, that sure won’t be cheap

"And vegan nutrition

"For our gator’s condition

"For other resources we’ll have to dig deep.”

GLORNA'S IDEA IS TO WAGER ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR'S VEGAN DIET

“To a bloke that never met us.

"I’d bet any amount he would bet us

"That a ruthless dictator

"Doesn’t feed his alligator

"A preposterously large head of lettuce”

ED DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA, HE'D RATHER TRADE SOME OF HIS WIVES

“A sailor cheated of money is an engager.

"The offence is considered quite major.

"The feeling I get,

"It’s unhealthy to bet

"If you don’t have the money to wager.”

“I might no longer have a lucky penny

"But there is one thing I truly have many

"I’ll get us back to my castle

"Without too much hassle,

"For a Mary or a Linda or a Jenny.”

To Glorna’s frown Ed explain “There’s a portion,

"Of my wives that were never informed of their good fortune.

"Let the buyer pay the dues

"Of informing the maidens the good news

"Yes, its trafficking but don’t blow it out of proportion.”

GLORNA DISAGREES, REMEMBERING ALL THE GIRLS THE BROWNIES ENSLAVED AND ED DOING NOTHING TO HELP.

“Oh Uncle Ed you’re just a big XXXXX

"The pain you ignore just makes me sick

"Angela and the others felt the sting

"I’d find it far more comforting

"If your ego was as small as you XXXX”

ED AGREES.

“Yes, I surely am a big XXXX to be carried

"For we are now in a cruel time we buried.

"To treat slaves quite unfair

"Many young girls out there,

"Prefer to brownies or sailors be married."

Part three coming soon!


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins
Steward of Tara

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, looking ruthless at his 2018 Calkins Day book signing.
 
                                                                                     

Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part One)

Dear MOMI,

    

I got the royalty check and everyone I know is tired of hearing about it :)

I started the epic I promised in my last post.

INTRODUCTION: ED AND CONNLA THE FAIR DANGLE FROM A TREE ON A CLIFF OVERLOOKING THE NILE

Often an epic poem chooses,

A short prayer to invoke help from the muses,

"Muses, if you don’t fully help me

"Your names go down in infamy

"With a barrage of my lyrical bruises!"

Ruthlessly, I shall start from the middle

With Ed and Glorna and their hope growing little

Locked hands Ed dangles high in a tree

Upside down Glorna hooks a branch with his knee

And to how they got there a complete riddle

But the danger just doesn’t end there

The tree dangles the perilous pair

By a cliff over a large lizard feeder

His jaws open wide, over a meter

Waiting for a meal to drop right there.

GLORNA CONTEMPLATES THE MEANING OF LIFE AND OTHER PHILOSOPHICAL CLICHES 

Said Glorna, “Must be something I missed.”

“By what method do I even exist?

“I see you holding on one hand

“My leprechaun brand”

“Yet I saw you with an arrow get kissed.”

Said the Steward, “Alive I love to remain

"But your slipping grip is causing me pain

"Please pull up me and your file

"'Fore that large crocodile

"Nullifies any need to explain."

Glorna answered “I won’t wait later

"To your own ends I just will not cater

"Tell what you mean by my file

"And that large crocodile

"Can’t you see that it an alligator?”

“John-Peter you’re losing your mind

"And I losing my grip and my rhyme

"That river’s the Nile

"So it’s a crocodile,

"Can we talk of this another time?”

“So true is it, that the river’s the Nile,

"But study that large hungry smile

"It lacks the right expression

"To commit the transgression

"Of having tears of a crocodile.”

Ed replied, “Well, my rising fright

"Must have damaged or impaired my sight

"But way down there on the ground

"I hear a gator type sound

"Pull me up and I tell you you’re right.”

Glorna said, “Curiosity make me weak

"I’d pull you up much surer if you do speak

"What was meant by ‘my file?'

"Just a rhyme for ‘crocodile’

"Or some meaning for which I should seek?”

“Woe to me, for you all over look,

"My crafted genius my work is wrongly took

"The computer program I compile

"In the leprechaun a back-up file

"The one that made John-Peter cook."

“As John-Peter, I ingested much strive

"Being a teenager can cut like a knife

"So before your safety I secure

"I need to know why to endure

"Now then, tell me the meaning of life."

“I think that I heard a branch cracking

"The time for all this thinking we’re lacking

"Glorna, don’t get your nose out of joint,

"Still you raise up an interesting point

"I may need the next limerick to start hacking”

"But one way to answer I just might have found

"To a point of view my response is quite bound

"If this tree here should fall

"And no one hears it at all

"We’d be dead. Does it still make a sound?"

Mumbled Glorna, “You think it's all about you.

"If you don’t think it, it must not be true.

"If he can’t hear it, it can’t exist.

"That’s the clue I must have missed

"Of the arrow that failed to give you your due.”

Replied Ed, “Behind my own mirror         

"My creations behave so much clearer,

"And you would do what I say,

"Instead you’re acting this way

"I know I’m not behind my own mirror."

Thinking hard, Glorna finally did say

“It makes sense if it happened this way

"In your minor you were shot,

"But now there we are not

"But your ignorance keeps nirvana at bay."

“Glorna, could you please be a lamb

"Pull me up so I’m out of this jam

"If you question my existence

"And you own too, by insistence

"Think ‘I’m ruthless and therefore I am.'"

THE FALL

“Ed, I heard all your rhyme and meter,

"And your control over character and reader

"But I could stop you if I wanna

"And I’d rather nirvana

"Ask the gator if he’ll be John-Peter."

To end Uncle Ed he released

To the gator a fat funny feast

Ed screamed words as he fell

As if he was falling down to hell

And none poetic in the least

Glorna expected himself to just cease

‘Cause Ed’s mind to being was his lease

Why did he exist when his creator

Was consumed by a gator.

Maybe his creator was really Denise.

As he thought this a philosophical carrot

Saw a hypothetic tree fall had merit

Took him on the way down to the ground

Glorna exclaimed, “It does make a sound.

"Even if no one is surviving to bear it.!"

To be continued...

Ruthlessly your and Happy Easter,

   Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

A 'Throwback' Post from 2012: Do You Write Limericks for Hire?

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Do You Write Limericks for Hire?

That's the short version of an email I received earlier this week.

Someone contacted me regarding my availability for a custom limerick. Now I'm uncertain how many requests Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, has accumulated, but this one is my first, so it's pretty special.

I quoted a modest price and asked for some additional information about the upcoming special occasion for the intended limerick. So far, I've not heard a response, but I'm hopeful. If Ed Calkins ever finds out I'm treading on his territory, this could initiate a language battle of epic proportions.

Oh, did I say that out loud?