When You First Hold Your Words in Your Hands

Many people who write fiction have those stories in their heads for many years before they feel brave enough to actually write them.

Many people who write fiction know, deep down, they will never see their work traditionally published.

Even when people who write fiction understand they can self-publish and share their writings with a few, the process feels so daunting they never tackle it.

And many people who write fiction also know that, however they publish, few actual people will ever read those words, even if they sell their books.

Knowing all of this, writers still, somehow, write.

And no joy can match the the joy when the first proof copy of your first book arrives in the mail and you can actually hold your words in your hands.

Pictured is the real Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara (yes, he's a real person), holding the proof copy of Ruthless, his first novel.

His wife Nancy, a beloved art teacher who made the front page of the Daily Southtown when she retired from Brodnicki Elementary School in Justice in 2014 - and was subsequently given the keys of the city - created all the interior and cover art.

Rebekah created the actual cover and did all the formatting.

I did all the editing - except for one round of copyediting that Colleen H Robbins did - and am currently copyediting the proof.

But nothing matches the work Ed himself put into this novel.

You see, Ed is extremely dyslexic and scatterbrained - his own words. And he's also said he's never finished anything. 

My kids say this is not true. He's worked as a supervisor in newspaper delivery his entire life. And he always finished his routes.

Nevertheless, this book is a huge accomplishment in many ways. He wrote it to fit into my BryonySeries and developed some of my characters in ways I didn't imagine.

He asked for deadlines from, and he met every one.

And to ensure he met those deadlines, he worked through COVID.

Not "COVID" as in the pandemic.

But his own battle with COVID in November.

I'm very honored to be part of his publishing journey.

And I'm inviting everyone reading this post right now to be part of the celebration.

Calkins Day 2021 will be held from 7 to 8 p.m. Calkins Day (Feb. 13, 2021) on Zoom. 

Real food and drink available if you bring your own ingredients. 

Calkins and his sidekick “The Goddess” will chat about author collaborations, how to legally  fictionalize a real person, literary nonsense. Irish vampires, deep time psychosis, and Astro-Time Physics.

He will also answer questions but doesn’t promise you’ll understand the answers. Calkins will also randomly give away three copies of “Ruthless.”

And we will celebrate the release of “Ruthless,” by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, is a work of absolute literary nonsense about the last seven seconds in the life of an Irishman and his afterlife as an Irish vampire, most of which never happened.

Local author and WriteOn Joliet co-leader Tom Hernandez will emcee. 

Chef Tim will give three demonstrations. Menu and ingredient list provided after registration.

Calkins Day is free. To register, visit bryonyseries.com/registerforcalkinsday.

"What You Missed in 2020" by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

 Good morning!

If this is your first meeting with Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, you might want to read this post.

When he mentions the release of Ruthless in the first line, he is referring to his first novel, which is part of the BryonySeries and the first to be authored by someone other than me.

We are having a one-hour virtual book release party for him from 7 to 8 p.m. Feb. 13 (Calkins Day).

Real food and drink available if you bring your own ingredients. 

Calkins and his sidekick “The Goddess” will chat about author collaborations, how to legally fictionalize a real person, literary nonsense. Irish vampires, deep time psychosis, and Astro-Time Physics.

He will also answer questions but doesn’t promise you’ll understand the answers. Calkins will also randomly give away three copies of “Ruthless.”

Local author and WriteOn Joliet co-leader Tom Hernandez will emcee. 

Chef Tim will give three demonstrations. Menu and ingredient list provided after registration.

Calkins Day is free. To register, visit bryonyseries.com/registerforcalkinsday.

And now, here is Ed's parody of 2020.

Dear MOMI,

              I realize that in the waiting for the release of Ruthless, many of you haven’t been engaged in your community as you were in the previous year. The wait has caused the drop in attendance of bars, restaurants, gyms, and other places of social gathering in favor of mulling around your house waiting for the book.

There are theories that the coronavirus has something to do with this, but let’s not dwell on theoretical conspiracies and stick to what is factually known. The need for fact about 2020 is so great that I have considered the possibility of publishing another edition of “The Ruthless Times” after a little more than one year of the last edition. But the need for fresh information does not override the proud tradition of going to print only when a century’s worth of news transpires.

              In any case, the events of 2020 are too complicated for the pedestrian understanding of current events. This year will take a dyslexic vampire to break it down for you.

              We could start with the controversy around the vote. For those of you less aware, you might assume I am referring to this year’s election. It was quite contentious and ended in violence. Yes, in a year like no other the Queen of Christmas election.

The Queen of Christmas election ended in a brawl between the recipient of the most votes and the runner up with more friends who surely voted for her. (Editor's note: Ed Calkins is a supervisor in a distribution center that oversees newspaper delivery. He and his wife buy Christmas presents for all the carriers' children out of their own money. Ed hosts a Queen of Christmas contest to pick the woman that will deliver the presents).

After seven recounts, two votes challenged, and the integrity questioned of a dyslexic vote counter, the crown was placed on a woman that needed three new crowns and stitches to say nothing of her two black eyes while the runner up got the worst of it…that’s not the vote in question.

              No, I’m referring to the votes by infectious disease historians (IDH) to proclaim COVID-19 as the deadliest disease to this date. One has to ask; when will the “black death” ever get its proper due? COVID-19 may have killed more people in its first year of infecting (debatable) but is that a fair comparison.

The Bubonic Plague killed 60 percent of the people that got it while COVID-19 only gets .5 percent at best. COVID-19 has claimed the life of one person in every thousand, the bubonic plague got 40 to 60 percent of all Europe. What? The bubonic plague doesn’t win? The argument for that is that if the bubonic plague happened in modern times, bug stray and flea collars could have stopped it cold. Right! Tell the unmasked COVID-19-doubters that they need to wear a flea collar!

              Another usual thing that happed in 2020 is that the president of the United States didn’t get impeached this year. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe Congress was too busy not wearing masks. Anyway, the year started with the Senate’s rejection of the articles of impeachment and that was all the peaches the government would get. It wouldn’t be till the start of 2021 when “repeachment” (I coined the phrase…don’t steal it) started up again.

              Then there were the protests and riots between law enforcement and physicists. Who has not heard the chant “Black Matter lives?” To get the story, I personally ran out into the streets to get both sides of the disagreement. On the physicists’ side, they want to make clear that Black Matter (called dark matter by some insensitive, less progressive scientists who fail to realize that by calling something “dark” you imply it’s sinister,) makes up the largest minority of matter in the country if not the universe. They do not see why police are so disrespectful of that fact. But is it fact? Police deal in what they can prove. How can they show respect to anything that can’t verify its existence? To this, I was simply told that I do not understand the gravity of the situation. Black Matter is being shot in the streets. To explain this scientific short-hand, I would tell you that the major evidence of black matter is the universe weighs more than it should. (Alright, I’ve gained a few pounds, don’t go making theories about me.)

              Although I could not find a single instant of a cop suspected of shooting at black matter, I can document their disrespect. I had to pull over nine squad cars before I even got a comment of black matter. What did I get from the tenth, besides a ticket from all ten of them (if I were black matter, would I have gotten ten bullets instead)?

              “Prove it exists.”

              Is that the standard for respect from law enforcement? Not only do you have to prove your identity, but you have to prove your existence!? Well for all you non-alarmists out there that think you’re safe with the “I think therefore I am”  line of reasoning, you’re BEGGING THE QUESTION! The “I think” part of that assumes the conclusion. Although if you assume the conclusion, it does fit a rather eloquent, consistent hypothesis that seems to support the notion of “reality.”

Still, I have to renew my driver’s license this year. They will ask me to prove my identity, driving ability, and that I can see well enough to read the signs. They will not ask for proof of my existence. How does black matter get to drive? Is that what’s meant be the joke of getting a ticket for “driving while black?”

              The last really odd thing that happened in 2020 involves the pricing of printable commodities. The price of printed paper runs on a predictable course of supply and demand. Advertisement pamphlets may be less than worthless, unless we’re talking about the one that Johannes Gutenberg printed, advertising his new Bible. That pamphlet is as rare as it is expensive… a must-have for any billionaire in the printing press business.

              But 2020 saw an unprecedented demand for uncounted presidential ballots. The caveat was these ballots had to be for a certain candidate as well as authentic. Common sense would lead us to expect that anything of value should be quite rare, but in this case, the precious ballots are rumored to be in the millions although no one has actually found any. Just this December, a wealthy real estate broker ordered 11,780 from Georgia’s secretary of state who insisted that none were to be found. Courts around the nation have also been interested in these ballots as well and have fared no better in receiving them.

Oddly, another type of ballot is just as in demand - counted ballots for the other candidate that are counterfeits. So much for my understanding of marketing.

                                                          Ruthlessly yours,

                                                          Ed Calkins

P.S. If you have Giuliani’s briefcase that went missing before a bunch of court cases, please return it now.

A Sneak Peek at the Art for "Ruthless"

This week I had a text from Ed Calkins.

I was super excited to see it and told him so. Ed usually communicates by email, unless I pick up the phone.

But then the next text said, "No, this is his wife because I'm sending you pictures for each chapter."

Nancy Calkins, Ed's wife, designed the cover and chapter headings for the prologue, epilogue, and each of the novel's twenty chapters. She started texting them all to me, wasn't happy with the lighting, and decided she and Ed will drive out to Joliet and bring me the originals next week.

In the meantime, here's a pictorial glance at the illustrations Nancy sent so far for Ed's book. I'm doing a hard edit on the manuscript over the Thanksgiving weekend. 

Just so you know, "Ruthless" is longer than "Staked!"

Release date? Why Calkins Day 2021, of course (Feb. 13).

Here's the cover, and yes, it looks crooked because of the way the images came through over text. Some of the illustrations follow it, so keep scrolling.

And now, eleven of the interior illustrations:

First, the forward.

Chapter 1: Backward

Chapter 2: Pigs Don't Plow

Chapter 3: Mirror

Chapter 4: Road Trip

Chapter 5: The Why Chromosome

Chapter 6: On Being Ruthless

Chapter 7: Suspect

Chapter 8: The Naughty List

Chapter 9: Happy Hunting

Chapter 10: A Government Of, By, and For Ed Calkins

Chapter 11: The Divine Refrigerator

Ed Calkins Updates His Progress on "Ruthless"

Over the past few weeks, Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, has sent two updated versions of his upcoming BryonySeries novel Ruthless.

Then we had a phone chat to set up an editing timeline (the book is scheduled for release mid-January so he'll have copies before Calkins Day 2021) and deadlines for cover and interior art, which I sent via telegram (i.e. email) after we hung up

Ed has since sent more chapters and the following correspondence. You will note he addresses me by his first nickname for me ("goddess") as opposed to the BryonySeries one (MOMI - Mistress of My Immortality).

So as I had into my second writing retreat of 2021 with three goals, I have just added a fourth: edit one chapter a day of Ruthless. As the steward himself said in Staked!, "? I’m so dyslexic and scatterbrained, even spell-check doesn’t recognize my words.”

And these are very true words, spoken to me by Ed one morning at the dock of the distribution center, as I was heading out.

So editing his prose is an adventure. But so is reading it. Ed is a good writer, full of imagination and unpredictable humor.

The challenge will be staying on task with my own work and not getting lost is his.

 Dear Goddess,

Sorry about the half month delay. I finished very late at night. It took two days to recover sleep wise and after that, every time I went to send it to you, I got to editing instead. 

I consider this a first draft, but I expect to have the final draft before Thanksgiving. There's been some plot changes. The chap called Forward is of course the Forward....the Chap called Backward is now the first chapter. There is one chapter I didn't write yet ...Counsel of Scantily Clothed Merrows..which I hoping to use to include anything I forgot to write as I read my novel for the first time.

I don't know what to do about the changes. I've rewritten the Forward, Backward, and Pigs Don't Plow....that went quickly. Now I'm rewriting the first chapter I jotted down when I was trying to get a sense of what a back story would look like. 

So much has changed, but...

I promise not to change the stuff I send you now.       

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

The Ruthless Times

This was part of a post from a couple years ago from Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara.

In honor of Calkins Day (today), WriteOn Joliet is hosting a humor-themed open mic tonight from 6 to 8:30 p.m. at the Book and Bean, 3395 Black Road in Joliet.

Come out to read, come out to laugh, or come out for both. The cafe has wonderful food and beverages for purchase (the open mic is free), and if you don't know what Calkins Day is, skim through the blogs of this past week and, again, come out tonight, and you'll see and hear from yourself.

Keep your serious hat at home. We seriously aim to make you forget troubles and angst.

For those with previous obligations or who live too far away, wait a few weeks for the video recaps.

WriteOn Joliet member Duanne Walton has recorded every event since 2013 and posts them, along with the fruits of his other intrepid videography projects, on his YouTube page.

My Dearest Mistress of My Immortality (MOMI):

Through my many years of delivering newspapers, I had one favorite publication, which I'm thinking of reviving: The Ruthless Times.

This was a freestanding newspaper existing from about 4050 to 3099 B.C. Even though, it wasn't very informative, as back in that day nothing really changed, it was both ruthless and amusing. In fact, in its fifty-one years of existence, I don't think it actually had a single story that could be actually counted as news. Mostly, it was simply the happenings of the prior two hundred years.

Now the publisher, who was also the distributor, could hardly be blamed for this. Back then, births were not quite as newsworthy as the invention of naming your children.  Also, now and then, it was the notion of journalistic integrity or simply telling the truth. 

Since that at this time humanity was spread entirely over the globe, the first edition was never completely delivered. Perhaps the papers most endearing feature was it's "this day a thousand years in the future."

In an age when journalism has suffered such diminishing returns, perhaps it's time to bring this paper back. Maybe a website would like a copy.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

P.S.: The Ruthless Times was always a free publication, which is another reason why it went out of business.

The Ruthless Times (First Edition of Ed Calkins' Free Newspaper)

For the backstory of The Ruthless Times (not to be confused with The Munsonville Times), read last week's post HERE. 

Weather: 

Ruthlessly hot, cold, mild, raining, snowing, earthquakes, hurricanes, lava flows, or any number of things depending on where you are. (hint; look up at the sky.) 

No major Ice Ages since the last publication, and only one major flood.

 No major life-as-we-know-it-ends meteor showers in the last 20k years, but hey, we're due so have your Utopian underground city built, stocked, and ready. (You should let Ed Calkins know where it is.)

Top Stories: 

Nothing really. 

A bunch of wars and stuff. 

The Fountain of Tooth was never found (the Spanish mistranslated concept (Fountain of Youth) sounded good. Actually it was merely a stream of with a high concentration of fluoride that native American dentists where rumored to have stolen. (More likely, it was the IVA as tooth decay can be a problem.)) 

Egypt got rid of its pharaohs, Rome got rid of its empire, Barbarians got rid of the Romans, and China started drinking tea.

New Zealand (pronounce new 'Z' land) and Nazis (pronounced 'not Zs') both had unrelated unimportant wars, but the names were made up to incite mythological relief from the boring truth. 

Some people went into outer space, but they came back. 

A few went to the moon and found it so disappointing they left without picking up their stuff. Since then, no one has gone back.

Recent stuff: 

Again, nothing much. 

The ruthlessly independent state of Texas undid its 'second largest' static by leaving the Untied States and joining the larger-then-Alaska Gulf of Mexico. 

In Florida, a president had to cancel his tee time, and the weather there came northward thus revising the habit of northern people going south for that weather. 

North Korea has become a problem with its new intercontinental launching accuracy. Its rockets still can't hit the right continent, but every time they launch a threat it hits the White House between the ears. 

Aliens are in the news largely because they're because unwelcome for some reason. (Hint: just impose a tax on flying saucers).

On this date one thousand years from now: 

Lets see, 3017 right? The Twitter-Face Book Global War rages on leaving anarchy and lawlessness across the once civilized world but its not all gloom. There is a lot of doom as well. 

With more the 60 per cent of the world's population living in the catatonic state of post-apocalyptic insults, the reminder of people are reduced to using AOL and Prodigy (as predicted by the education "How to Sacrifice a Virgin" piece once posted) 

Some cold wars between nations are more traditional. The Rocky Islands and the Alp Islands fight limerick-laced differences on global warming. Both sides disbelieve it, but each claims the other is propagating its heresy in an effort to incite panic. Both sides promise a nuclear solution to the war as soon as a way to haul ballistic missiles from the ocean floor, dry them out on the surface, and build new missiles site to launch them can be completed. 

McDonald's presents its civil case against the Bryony crop. for using the signage "Over "# million sold" over its bookstores. (the # here is used to mark an unknown amount. Who wants to spoil the surprise?)