Dear MOMI:
I didn't tell you about this before reading Visage because I
thought you too innocent to handle the darkness that will consume mankind in
the post Facebook/Twitter wars.
But after checking the body count in you last novel, I think
you're ready to face that fact the humanity will digress a bit after three
hundred years of social media warfare. People living on islands will be most affected,
reverting back to talking on landline phones, using cash, sacrificing other
people to mythical beings, reading newspapers, and, yes, chatting again on AOL
or Prodigy.
Since, undoubtedly they will wish to sacrifice a maiden or
two to Ed Calkins, we should be responsible enough to inform future generations
on how to do it properly.
Materials: For a proper sacrifice, you'll need four very
sharp knives, four four-by-fours, eight two-by-fours, four lengths of rope six
feet or more, two cell phones, one very thick club, several bales of hay (straw
will do), five belts, as many three leave covers as you can find, one piano
along with someone who can play it, three barrels of beer, one sea worthy boat
or yacht, twenty four orders of chicken wings, and several large pizzas.
Altar: Somewhere on the sacrificial island there must be a
cliff no higher than three meters above a sandy beach. If there is no such
spot, the sacrificers must construct it. The bales of hay should be placed
inside the wooden fame (made with four two by fours), which is a rectangle six
feet wider than the victim's outstretched arms and one foot higher. Each of the
four very sharp knives should be placed blade up, at arms and ankles lengths.
The four by fours must be driven in at the corners of the rectangle extending
to meet the cliff. At the cliffs summit, a identical rectangle must be
constructed. Finally, just off the water's edge should be your sea worthy
vessel, with one cell phone, two barrels of beer, twelve orders of chicken
wings, and half the pizzas.
Victim: "Virgin" is a term best not taken too literally;
after all there are many kinds of "virgins," with only that they've
never done something before, so we mustn't get too hung up on that. Still, it
would be nice if everyone at least pretended that the victim is of virtue, but,
failing that, at least get her to cross her eyes more than twice. Beautiful
maidens are of prime consideration; however ex girl friends, ex wives, or even
mother-in-laws should be considered. What is paramount is that she be healthy
(no sacrificing granny on her deathbed), and sane. The latter comes with a test
of compliance built right in the sacrifice.
Time: There are two days for sacrificing a maiden. One is
Calkins Day (13th of Feb) in the wee hours before the high tide comes in. The
other is college spring break, where thing like this just happen. Anyway, in
the first case, plan your sacrifice immediately after the parade, which should
end before high tide.
Method: Dress the sacrificial maiden in white silk, (cotton
with do, so will wool, actually anything will do, providing its white, unless
she's wearing something else) and sprinkle the three leave covers in her hair.
Fasten her to a pole that will stand erect on the last float
of the Calkins Day Parade using the five belts that represent the five great
novels that changed humanity (all of the written by MOMI). The white dress is
to remind everyone of the many wives of EC and the covers of Tara. One belt
should tie her ankles, one above the knee, one at her waist, one about the bust
line, and the last should tie her wrists together behind her back. This doesn't
remind us of anything, it just seems the way to do it. Note: if one is
sacrificing ones mother in law, a gag is permitted.
The float with the victim on it should finish the parade
before heading to the altar to begin the sacrifice. Make sure you've tossed all
candies to the crowd watching the parade. Believe me, chicken wings with beer
and candy do not mix. Once at the altar, one should alert the deities by
calling them on the one of the cell phones, then smash the phone with the heavy
club when the call gets dropped.
Then tie the lengths of rope to each wrist and ankle before
unfastening the five belts. Several people should help at this point in that
there may be some struggling. The maiden must be spread eagle to the upright
frame with arms stretched with three feet of rope extending from each wrist and
ankle. At this point, someone should hold the leprechaun menacingly close to the victims face. Someone else should play the piano and a few
others should dance around menacingly. Everyone else, excluding the victim,
should get started on the pizza, chicken wings, and beer. This next part can
make or break the whole sacrifice. The ceremony must contain the consumption of
the barrel of beer, yet bring a feeling of impending doom to the victim. Its
best that you jump around, chant in some nonexistent ancient language, and make
menacing jesters while still drinking beer.
When the drama hits a fevered pitch, which is generally when
the beer runs out, the participates, less the sacrifice, should grab part of
the fame to carry it horizontally to the cliff's edge with the victim face down
and fit the frame so that its corners enclose the four-by-fours posts. As a
group you should count backwards from the currently held view of how many wives
Ed Calkins had.
Sometime before finishing, you're grip will fail, thus
releasing the screaming victim to her doom. Right after that, you'll hear the
snapping of ropes, the plop of a body's fall broken by the bales of hay, and
the ungracious sound of "What a #@#$ bunch of #$#@!" mingle with the
sound of footsteps sprinting across the sand. Pay no mind to that.
Be assured that this valid sacrifice because you're never
going to see the vessel, chicken wings, beer, or sacrificial maiden ever again.
Assume that your victim drowned when high tide came and swept everything out to
sea, but in case your hangover doesn't find the evidence convincing enough,
someone can always instruct the victim before throwing them off the cliff to
"remain underwater and breath normally."
BTW, if your victim does ever return to you know that you
failed to select a sane maiden. Once you have achieved all these things, add
another wife to the total of known Ed Calkins' wives and log her @
StewardofTara.ecp.* ( This site is not operational yet, but should be up six
hundred years from now). Before that,
you can always upload vids of your sacrifice on YouTube. (Until the Google people
make it a capital offense).
Some further notes: If you are the chosen maiden, understand
that sacrifices are a solemn thing. Do not giggle at any point. If a
sacrificial maiden does giggle, someone must pretend to tickle her.
Also, once in the boat, you may consider not drinking both
barrels by yourself. Consider this, when you do find another inhabited island
and disembark with even one barrel of beer, those inhabitance are likely to
worship you as a goddess. (As you Denise already well know what that's like.)
I hope this helps.
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara
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