An Ed Calkins Spinoff? Apparently, Yes.

A couple weeks ago, a BryonySeries fan suggested I write a prequel to the Ed Calkins Steward of Tara, Irish vampire character.

I felt only Ed himself should write it and told her so. Then I suggested the idea to Ed, who said he'd "think about it."

A few says ago, while checking personal email during my walk home from work, I received this "telegram" from the Steward himself.

Dear Momi,

   

I've started something I could finish but I don't want to go any further if I'm on the wrong track. This is a rough draft. At this point I only what to know if this is the first chapter, would you read the second.

Attached was the first chapter, which I read.

Then I went onto the second telegram:

Another rough draft maybe chapter two. 

My question here is; do you care about Trudy and would you read chapter three?

I read chapter two and then replied, "Definitely!"

Here's what makes this remarkable, even if you're a first-time reader of this blog and have no idea (or even care) who Ed Calkins is.

Ed's been writing stories for over five decades and making up stories about himself for probably just as long. He's dyslexic and scatterbrained (his own admission). His computers have crashed and taken his stories with him.

All of which I incorporated into my books, using Ed's own words.

 “Have you stopped to consider what’s fair to me? Do you know what it’s like to have stories bursting inside of you, only to hand-deliver, since I was a lad, newspapers full of other people’s stories, and not be able to put the right words down on paper? I’m so dyslexic and scatterbrained, even spell-check doesn’t recognize my words.”

            

“I don’t care,” John-Peter began, but Ed continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

             

“So, I wind up changing the word to get past spell check, but when I keep writing that way, I kill the story. I keep trying, because I can’t stop writing, yet, on the other hand, I can’t finish anything. My life is full of half-begun novels. I couldn’t even finish one about Hannibal, my hero, foe of Rome! So, in high school, I switched to poetry, but it never sounded like any of the poetry I ever read.”

When I fictionalized him for the BryonySeries, I gave Ed space on my blog, starting back in 2010 when I started the blog. He's written nonsensical Irish humor based on my books ever since.

This includes my "Irish genealogy." 

BTW, I am not Irish.

Two years ago, I took that collection of genealogical blogs and published a book for a Calkins Day celebration (there's a whole back story to this, too much for this post) at the Book and Bean Cafe in Joliet.

I didn't tell Ed. He was extremely touched. I didn't know his lifelong dream was to see something he'd written published.

I ordered 40 books. We sold all about 11 at that event. I cut him a royalty check and sent him on his way with the rest of the books.

For Calkins Day 2019, we held a limerick slam at the cafe. The following day when I talked to the cafe's owner, she suggested partnering with me to host Calkins Day 2020. 

And she had some very particular ideas about the event.

Ed's work-in-progress, which is very well-written for a first draft, will fit very nicely with her plans.

Which means he needs to get it written, so I can edit it, publish it, and order copies before the end of January.

It is no small thing to help make someone's dream come true. That's the point of this post.

I'm humbled to be part of it. I'm grateful to the BryonySeries fan for suggesting it.

Most people don't have other people investing in their dreams. Their dreams live and die with them.

But how wonderful if we could change that!

Ed Calkins: Voter Fraud and the "Lost" Telegram

Note: When sifting through old email for the Bryony-themed play Ed Calkins wrote and sent to me in 2011, which I thought I posted and hadn't, I found this gem, also from 2011 and unopened. Very ironic, as you will see when you read it.


Dear MOMI:

Hard as it may be to believe, I have been accused of unethically influencing the Queen of Christmas nominations. Naturally, I promised a full and speedy investigation from an independent, fair, and reputable investigator.

Only after making that promised did I wonder if I knew anyone like that! But, of course, I do. You, Denise, have the journalistic chops that should impress even the most skeptical of my critics.

Your mandate is simple! Look for evidence of corruption or misdealings in the nomination process of 2011 on my behave. Remember, I promised a full and speedy investigation, so you must respond with your findings within my deadline.

Also you must grant as full of review as can be made on a 2008 budget, which, if you've opened this email, you're already over. (Sorry, you will not be reimbursed.)

Be fair and impartial, but remember you're not getting paid for this and its not worth your time, When the deal (five minutes after you receive this) has expired, you need not respond if not a shred of evidence is found, your silence will be understood that way.

However, if you do find wrong doing, you must report it to the proper authorities. Should you consider me as too prejudiced to receive your finding, consider your ex publicist or Amazon.com. I'm sure that can right this in a timely manner.

P.S  Should you actually look in to this, do not be concerned about the ballots found in the garbage, as poor handwriting clearly disqualified them.


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins,

Steward of Tara

Steward Setback Saturday: Ed Calkins Wants to Know: When Will "Bryony" be Translated into French?

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ed Calkins Wants to Know: When Will "Bryony" be Translated into French?

Dear MOMI,

I don't mean to nag, but when will Bryony be translated into French?

Until it is, I will have no excuse to go to Paris and promote the sport of French Sumo Wrestling, the rules of which I'm sure you've heard me say many times. (Should you need a refresher, I'd be glad to recite them.)

Why this is important?

French Sumo Wrestling its one of the few sports where I still could be a professional, given that no baseball scouts ever saw me throw newspaper and instantly realized that I belonged in the majors (as a pitcher of course).

This oversight has haunted me all my life. It’s affected my cash flow, crippled my desire to break records (such as most strikeouts, lowest era, and most insulting limerick recited to a homerun hitter), and carried a major impact to my wife count.

Naturally, baseball would have never been the same, and my wives would have gotten to march in the ECDP (Ed Calkins Day Parade) with the most attractive, most wealthiest single man in baseball, if not the world. And since as you know being married to me does not prohibit marrying or being married to another man (or men), women would marry me just to attend that event.

To set this right, I need Frenchmen to step up their Sumo game. Frenchmen after Frenchmen must destroy one another in front of cheering French women before one of them, having demolished all others, can credibly claim to be the world's best. Then (undoubtedly) I will be summoned to Paris to set the record straight. If the paycheck is right, it should be the biggest bout since David used his slingshot.

I ask you to attend to this, not for myself, but for the future times, wives, and children yet to be. So one might ask you this question, "Would you have been the most important novelist since the invention of writing had you know the responsibilities it would pour on you?"

It's too late, Denise.

Ruthlessly yours,

French Sumo Great, Ed Calkins.

Ed Calkins on Asian Carp and Neanderthals

Dear MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)

I've been a little reoccupied lately on the problem of Asian Carp. Every time I think of some plan to handle it, I get distracted. 

Now, if you're assuming that the problem I'm working on is about invasive species, I might point out the hypocrisy inherent on humans calling that out. Talk to whales, and they'll tell you that the oceans were fine before mankind invented ships. I'm sure birds, although I've not verbal conformation, feel the same way about planes and skies.

Nowhere however, is the hypocrisy of invasive species more apparent than to Neanderthals. I'm speaking of the great undocumented migration of Homo Sapiens from Africa into Europe. As you may recall, (I'm not suggesting you're old enough to remember this so you have to take my word for it), before this time, all of humanity (I exclude Neanderthals, which my be a prejudice.) lived on tropical lake front property around the area that is the Sahara desert today. This lake in the tongue of ancient caveman was called 'Uga Buga Wuga' which means "a really nice place to live." (I'll write later on what it will be called). 

You know the bit about every 20 thousand years the earth's tilt and Uga Buga Wuga' dried out, causing waves of impoverished Homo Sapiens to brave the Neanderthal border patrols and cross into "Neatherland" without legal right to do so? The problem got so bad the really big leader of Neatherland called his senators together to demand that a giant wall be invented first, then built. As you know, despite this ingenious preemptive attempt to keep Neatherland great, humans continued to pour into Europe without even an attempt to assimilate into Neatherland culture. 

Archaeological evidence shows that humans stayed, Neanderthals didn't, and no wall was ever invited or built. Reasons why may be politically divisive and so I will not lend my name to the debate. Let it not be said, however, that these primates did nothing, for on the borders they posted signs presumed to discourage illegal immigration.

   

As to theories on what drove Neanderthals into extinction, they have that political problem as well so I can pretend that I don't know (as do you (because I told you)), that it was the Ug-Lee syndrome.

Oh yes, I was talking about the fish. See what I mean.

Okay.

Remember, the twenty thousands years land grab for lake front property around the Sahara is going to be a giant lake again in a mere ten thousand years. I mean to own that lake by buying all the land around it and making it the best place in the world to fish, but also the safest. 

Using selective spawning, I'd hoped to evolve a fish that grows very big, taste like lobster or steak, and then bites a sinker, grips its mouth tightly around it, and doesn't let go until its safely in the net. Sounds great, right? 

The problem is the Asian Carp has that beat for fishermen. It grows big, tastes good (although not quite like surf and turf) and jumps right in the boat as you pass. How am I suppose to beat that? I'd have to breed a fish that cooks itself!

There's another matter of which I find some discomfort in mentioning; a financial matter. Despite my contempt for such uninteresting considerations, I find myself in need of funds. Well known are the Saudis for valuing their oil wells, but who would have thought they'd value so highly all the land that encircles them?

No, MOMI, I'm not asking you directly for money, you're a writer; you don't have two pennies to rub together. I'm asking you to solicit investors. I'll need one hundred of them at 50 mil a piece. Just tell them that if they give Ed Calkins fifty million dollars, he'll make them rich.

Later on how beer came to Ireland and the Irish came to (back) to Africa.

                            

Also why I haven't read Staked!.

Yet

Ruthlessly yours,

                                            

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

        

Heralding the Great and Awesome Return of Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara to the BryonySeries Blog: Ruthless Times

In 2010, I received an email from Ed, vaguely stating he was "going through some things" and would reach out when those were resolved. In the interim, I ran old posts with the tag "Steward Setback Saturday."

On the Saturday before I left for Raleigh, I decided enough was enough. I mean, I'm all for giving a dude his space, but five years of silence?

Uh, uh.

So I called. And I'm glad I did. Ed was glad I did. Turns out, the difficult situation is not yet resolved, but he did share some of it, and I empathized with his trying circumstances. 

But.

As we talked, his voice became brighter and his interest in the entire BryonySeries project revived. He hadn't realized I was still plugging away at it. He'd forgotten to read Staked! He'd forgotten this was the novel where the fictional steward really shone. He'd forgotten that Saturday was his space on the blog and was surprised that I'd held it for him and that I'd filled his empty space with all things Irish. He was humbly stunned that we celebrate Calkins Day; when our conversation ended, I sent blog links to prove it.

But before we ended the call, Ed decided to read Staked! No, he wouldn't accept a free copy; he'd buy his own from Amazon. 

And he promised to write blog posts. In fact, Ed promised to send one by the very next Saturday.

Which he did. And has done every Saturday since then.

I now have three such "telegrams."

But...wait, I can almost hear the new reader to the series ask. You...you talk as if Ed Calkins is real.

Ah, well, he is. He really, truly is. With his own page on the BryonySeries website.

So without further ado, I bring you the return of Ed Calkins. 

My Dearest Mistress of My Immortality (MOMI):

Through my many years of delivering newspapers, I had one favorite publication, which I'm thinking of reviving: The Ruthless Times.

This was a freestanding newspaper existing from about 4050 to 3099 B.C. Even though, it wasn't very informative, as back in that day nothing really changed, it was both ruthless and amusing. In fact, in its fifty-one years of existence, I don't think it actually had a single story that could be actually counted as news. Mostly, it simply the happenings of the prior two hundred years.

Now the publisher, who was also the distributor, could hardly be blamed for this. Back then births were not quite as newsworthy as the invention of naming your children.  Also on and then it was the notion of Journalistic integrity or simply telling the truth. Since that at this time humanity with spread entirely over the globe the first addition was never completely delivered Perhaps the papers most endearing feature was it's "this day a thousand years in the future".

In an age when journalism has suffered such diminishing returns, perhaps it's time to bring this paper back. Maybe a website would like a copy.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

P.S.: The Ruthless Times was always a free publication, which is another reason why it went out of business.

Below, the real Ed Calkins, in a striped shirt and a kilt, laughs at an unknown joke, while "Brian Marhcellis," holding a non-white Snowbell, looks on. This fake Snowbell belonged to my grandson Lucas. With the push of a button, this grinning cat cocked its head and made growling purrs. VampFest was the 2011 launch of the BryonySeries and a fundraiser for Big Brothers Big Sisters for Will & Grundy Counties. We donated $1,400 to the nonprofit, not bad considered we didn't even have a book to sell yet due to publishing issues.

Steward Setback Saturday: Random Letters Between the Steward of Tara and BryonySeries Author

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Found One of My Old Blog Posts on Goodreads

I forgot Sarah set the account to automatically push to Goodreads. While on the site for something else, I stumbled upon this:

A Peek into the Secret Correspondence Between the Steward of Tara and the BryonySeries' Author

Dear MOMI:

When the next book comes out, I'll load a cooler with ice cream, disposable bowls, and plastic spoons. We'll serve the free ice cream right where we're signing. I'll spring the cost of the ice cream.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

O Steward:

Third book won't come out until late November. Sure you don't want to do it this summer?

Respectfully,

MOMI

Dear MOMI:

Do you think we can still sell the first two books at the DC? (Note: this is vampire code for "distribution center.") Is anyone there that reads still without a copy? I agree that summer would be better for ice cream. BTW, could you send me the Byrony links? I'm on a new computer.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara


O Steward:

Not sure who still wants any books, but an ice cream social is still a good promotion for Staked! which is coming out at the end of the year. That book has your biggest role. Besides, there's new people coming in the DC all the time.

Also, the official Visage, with the "official" art should be out in a couple of weeks. You'll receive a complimentary copy. FYI, Saturdays has the lowest carrier turnout. Any possible way you could get a sub and do a Sunday?

Respectfully, 

MOMI

Dear MOMI:

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the only days I can't do it.

As far as getting a sub...if you mean submarine, that would be easier then finding someone to do my route. If you mean "submissive," you've read 50 Shades, and believe me, to all of them, doing a route is a "hard limit." If you mean submarine sandwich, I could, but it wouldn't help me take off a on Sunday.

Ice cream might draw a few carriers in early though if the word went out. In my own DC, which is not as personable as Joliet, it took two years to go from not finishing one bucket to finishing three (every one speaking only Spanish or Arabic assumed I was selling it).

Ruthlessly yours, 

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara


O Steward:

Okay, then, pick a Saturday, and let's do it!

Respectfully, 

MOMI  


Dear MOMI: 

Now wait a second. This might be a chance for you to flex your newly found fame as an acclaimed novelist. Perhaps you can market the John-John Peter experience. One of the most touching parts of Visage is the connection of father and son on the "damn route." Maybe we can market this. Bring your toddler and go out on a REAL Ed Calkins route! (Make sure that toddler is barefoot).

BTW I laughed much longer then my wife at the throwing of the shoe because I had a better picture. Did that every happen to you with one of your little angels? Let's do the ice cream social on the Saturday near the 4th of July. Also, can you give me Edgar or Frank's phone so I can ask permission? My new phone never got my Joliet connections on speed dial.

Ruthlessly yours, 

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Editor's note: I sent the steward the two agents' telephone numbers, but I have received no further correspondence from the steward. I'm assuming he's very busy conducting ruthless business. Further details on the ice cream social--and if you've read Visage, you know how appropriate that social is. If you haven't, come to the social, buy a copy personally autographed by Ed Calkins, and find out--when and if they emerge.

Published on June 08, 2013 21:54 

Steward Setback Saturday: On Becoming an Ed Calkins Wife, Part 1

Saturday, May 5, 2012

On Becoming an Ed Calkins Wife, Part 1

By Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara

On this topic of qualifications for wives of Ed Calkins, understand that one must actually meet Ed Calkins in person (unless, of course, you're holding one of my famous dollar bills; more on this later. Or maybe you'd consider sending it back as a gift to your new hubby? If one percent responds to that favoribly, I'm buying a new car (matchbox)).

Meeting me in person is actually quite a task because I'm quite reclusive. This may surprise anyone that has actually seen me in person, but it's true. You see, I enjoy my little delusions very much and find the easiest way to confirm them is to avoid any evidence to the contrary. This means avoiding people.

Yes, I know there's alway simple denial, but that takes out all the energy for ruling my fantastical realm. In fact, it's because I'm so much of a hermit that normally, when I do get out, I have a lot of pent up socialization to unleash.

Still, its actually quite difficult to get me out of my little man cave. I have a standing date with wives one, two, and four every Friday at five o'clock, but it usually takes three or four phone calls to get me there by six (true story, all of it).

Another qualification is age. A prospective wife must be reasonably mature. Now, I know you Tilted Kilt girls are going to claim being "mature for your age," but that isn't helpfull at all. The legal age for drinking and adulthood might be twenty-one, but if you're only thirty-one and trying to marry Ed Calkins, you better look awfully old for your age. Even those women under forty-one might get adopted instead of married.

What's the difference? The later might get a rose the day after Calkins Day, the former gets a Barbie doll around Christmas (if you're good).

More later

Yours ruthlessly,

Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara