Saturday, October 27, 2012
Ed Calkins Wants to Know: When Will "Bryony" be Translated into French?
Dear MOMI,
I don't mean to nag, but when will Bryony be translated into French?
Until it is, I will have no excuse to go to Paris and promote the sport of French Sumo Wrestling, the rules of which I'm sure you've heard me say many times. (Should you need a refresher, I'd be glad to recite them.)
Why this is important?
French Sumo Wrestling its one of the few sports where I still could be a professional, given that no baseball scouts ever saw me throw newspaper and instantly realized that I belonged in the majors (as a pitcher of course).
This oversight has haunted me all my life. It’s affected my cash flow, crippled my desire to break records (such as most strikeouts, lowest era, and most insulting limerick recited to a homerun hitter), and carried a major impact to my wife count.
Naturally, baseball would have never been the same, and my wives would have gotten to march in the ECDP (Ed Calkins Day Parade) with the most attractive, most wealthiest single man in baseball, if not the world. And since as you know being married to me does not prohibit marrying or being married to another man (or men), women would marry me just to attend that event.
To set this right, I need Frenchmen to step up their Sumo game. Frenchmen after Frenchmen must destroy one another in front of cheering French women before one of them, having demolished all others, can credibly claim to be the world's best. Then (undoubtedly) I will be summoned to Paris to set the record straight. If the paycheck is right, it should be the biggest bout since David used his slingshot.
I ask you to attend to this, not for myself, but for the future times, wives, and children yet to be. So one might ask you this question, "Would you have been the most important novelist since the invention of writing had you know the responsibilities it would pour on you?"
It's too late, Denise.
Ruthlessly yours,
French Sumo Great, Ed Calkins.
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