Steward Setback Saturday: How to Talk Like Ed Calkins on Mother's Day

Here's a fun post from 2012 that links to another site with fun Gaelic phrases you can use for Mother's Day.

And Happy Mother's Day in advance to any moms reading this post - and to the moms of the rest of you reading this post.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

How to Talk Like Ed Calkins on Mother's Day

Although one may find it difficult to imagine, even Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, has a mother, and he remembers her on Mother's Day.

Now, Ed has never shared whether he brings her flowers or chocolates, but if you want to honor YOUR mother on Mother's Day with a Gaelic expression or two, check out this site.

http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.com/3Focloir/Lessons8.html#Gael32

Steward Setback Saturday: Calkins Nature Preserve

 A fun post from last year. No one ever did call me back.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Calkins Nature Preserve

Yesterday Colleen Robbins texted the following message to me:

I missed getting a picture as we drove past the Calkins Nature Preserve about 20 miles west of Cedar Falls, Iowa. Ed gets around.

I looked up the number so I could receive permission to use a photo of the preserve in this blog post, but I only reached the answering machine.

So here's a link to the Facebook page. It looks beautiful, doesn't it?

https://www.facebook.com/CalkinsNatureArea/

Illustration by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt for "Bryony."

Steward Setback Saturday: Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, Explains the IVA

Dear MOMI,


There are two ways to join the Irish Vampires Association (IVA).

The first way is the simplest.

1) You can think you're Ed Calkins, and thus the spokeman for the Irish Vampires Association.

2) You don't have to think you're a vampire, but you do have to think you're Irish and have a fondness and dedication to the Irish Vampire cause.

You must think that you should be a member, mention this to no one, pay what dues you think you should, and hold what office you think you should hold. What ever dues you pay are the budget for your office, so spend it wisely.

Also you must dislike any people you think an Irish Vampire would dislike, and think badly of them as a result.

Image the power of such a secretive structure! Few are foolish enough to cross the IVA.

For example, there was a flint dealer named Ug some 10,000 year ago that insulted the IVA. In retaliation, its members decided his daughter was unattractive. Poor Ug!

Not only did his daughter Lee remain unmarried (and thus childless; it was a simpler time), but to this day when any sight is deemed visually unappealing, the memory of Ug's Lee is mentioned.

P.S. If you are an IVA member and your department is under budget, you could send the excess to Ed Calkins.


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara


(Originally posted Saturday, June 18, 2011)

Steward Setback Saturday: On Becoming An Ed Calkins Wife, Part 3

For context, here is the link to the first and second posts.

If this is your introduction to Ed Calkins, read more about him here.

BTW, I am NOT an Ed Calkins wife and that is not a proposal depicted here.

I am this instead.

On Becoming An Ed Calkins Wife, Part 3

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Dear MOMI,

There exists a confusion about age limits for wives of Ed Calkins. After all, did I not put the minuim age of thirty-one in my last post?

Understand, though, that age is as relative as time. When I was sixteen, I did not require a prospective bride to be thirty-one. So, too, if a woman who was quite young had met me in the nineteenth century, such as Byrony/Melissa had, I would not be so dismissive as if I had met the same woman/girl in the present.

However, in the book, Byrony/Melissa did not agree to marriage (thus forever changing the ending). I'm sure you're thinking Bryony's current marriage prohibited it. This is simply incorrect.

Wife number one has three husbands other then me: one for gambling, one for gossip, and one for shopping and drinking. Should she decide to acquire other vices, say comic books, I'm sure she'll find a husband for that.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Steward Setback Saturday: On Becoming an Ed Calkins Wife, Part 2

A post from 2012. If you find this amusing, read part one here.

BTW, I almost received one of the "famous" marriage proposals. I turned it down before Ed fully asked it.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

On Becoming an Ed Calkins Wife, Part 2

Waitresses are always welcome as wives of Ed Calkins, but they must actually wait on me! Also, one of my other wives has to be present. This is a new rule introduced by Debbie Blond (actual name Debbie Brown (remember her)) who objected to being bumped from wife number six back to wife seven without once meeting her competition. More on that later.

Understand that I quit writing marriage proposals on dollar bills years ago. I learned that it is impolite (and illegal) to deface currency. It’s also hard to read, "Will you marry me?" scrawled on a bill. Furthermore some women receive so many such messages that they get confused as to who it was that gave them the dollar bill. They tend to assume what they want to assume. (Why did you think Donald Trump has been married so many times?) Besides that, it’s tacky, making it seem like the bill is a bride for a “Yes.” But mostly it’s because I've simply run out of them.

This might surprise your readers considering I enjoy the financial compensation of a paperboy, but even an ocean can run out of water. (If I had a dollar for every girl I asked to marry before asking actually worked, maybe I'd still live in Tara this day (although the place needs rebuilding but you get the idea)).

By the time I met my first wife (the only one I actually sleep with (more on that)), I couldn't afford a dollar, so I bought her a vending machine cup of coffee (true story). But the buying of the coffee left me unable to afford a pencil to write “Will you marry me?” on it. I did ask her verbally, but you know how people forget things that aren't written down. (Hence route lists)

It cost me three years of awkward dating waiting for the answer to a question she'd forgotten. Finally, when I got the notion to bring the subject up again, she said "Marriage uh? Interesting... You have to prove your courage first. Ask my Daddy.”

To my surprise, her father was quite nice to me saying, "If you don't let the band play the chicken dance at the reception, you can marry my other two daughters as well.” With that promise sealed with a handshake, I thought my harem was finally on its way. The problem is; he never told his daughters about this arrangement. It’s been a tad awkward with wives two and three ever since.

I realize that this account of my first wife differs from the one in the book, but that shouldn't trouble your readers. A good myth should always have competing versions lest they both versions get lazy and stop embellishing.

BTW if anyone has a dollar bill from Ed Calkins with "Will you marry me?” written on it, and you wish to redeem it, consider yourself married. (Just let me know so I can update my spreadsheet.)

If instead you wish know the value of this testament to history, my appraisers advise me that you should spend the dollar. (I say, just give the dollar to a girlfriend less attractive than you. Thus, she will be more likely to say, “Yes.” That’s because I realized I'd never get as many wives as Ramsis III if I didn’t make proposals transferable.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara

Steward Setback Saturday: Candy Canes and Irish Vampires

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Candy Canes and Irish Vampires

Yes, Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, dressed in an Old World Father Christmasy hat and carrying a bucket of candy canes, was already making his jolly rounds when I, huge mug of coffee in MY hand, arrived at the distribution center at one o'clock this morning.

It's been over a year since Ed last worked at this particular location and just several months since I've stopped delivering newspapers, yet the return was a joyful one for both, especially me, since I'm still in withdrawal. I have these moments, suppressed, of course, where I want to ride around at night--windows down and radio cranked up--throwing things (ideally newspapers) out of windows.

Ed and rival supervisor Dan resumed their plans to take over certain countries with insulting limericks, and one female carrier entered to the loud cry from Ed she (mistakenly) assumed she'd never hear again: "All, hail, Audrey the Magnificent!"

Of course, Ed showed the proper respect by virtue of his former nickname for me (Newspaper Goddess), by genuflecting, head bowed, to offer me a candy, the very pose assumed every day when he brought me my route book.

Now, having immortalized him and all, my nickname is Mistress of Immortality or MOM. Yes, I know it doesn't match, but Ed is horribly dyslexic, so it works for him. FYI: Any blog postings he sends are thoroughly edited by me, keeping in mind my copyediting skills are less than stellar.

Saturdays are a notoriously slow day. Carriers, the ones that still run on Saturdays, arrive late and leave late. Ed still had to drive an hour back to HIS distribution center to run a route. Still, I sold, and he signed, a few books. To catch the attention of sleepy carriers pushing grocery carts full of inserts back to their tables, Ed would stop them and point to his picture on page one hundred and ninety-three.

Periodically, he would stop, grinning, and excitedly say, "We're really doing this. Remember when we only talked about signing books at the center?" Before I could do more than smile and nod, Ed was showing a carrier where his name appeared in Bryony, then add the exhortation to look for the parade in his honor some thousand years hence.

I chatted to a couple of carriers who were a little envious--in a good way--of my having completed an entire book. One, a musician, is writing his autobiography, but got stuck one hundred and fifty-five pages into it. The other, a former Chicago teachers, has an idea for a screen play, but can't get the words out.

Both marveled how I, with homeschooled kids, other writing assignments, and throwing papers at night, managed to write an entire book. I told them my lap goes with me everywhere I go.

"Oh, so you wrote it all the computer?"

Well, yes, eventually. I also wrote bursts of inspiration on backs of old envelopes, margins of books, and myriads of tiny notebooks, really any form of paper within reach. I also had to utilize random bits of time, which is the way I really dislike to write, but when it's the only available time...well, that's when you have to stay true to your goals.

Ed then told me a story about how is granddaughter is beginning to not believe he is REALLY Santa Claus and wondering if his credibility will be shot if he tells her Santa is also a vampire.

"Especially the first Irish vampire," Ed said.

One of the supervisors, who is generally quiet and whom I did not expect to wander near our make-shift work station book "store," spent some time flipping through the Bryony, noting the research, and asking me how long it took me to compose it.

Even better, he made a couple allusions to the distribution center being "one of the seven levels of hell." Later, he referenced something back to "the library of Alexandria." Now my curious was piqued, and I hope an opportunity for conversation with him the next time I bring my teens down to stuff inserts. There's so much more to people than meets the eye, right?

And yes, he bought a book.

Ed took five back with him for family Christmas gifts this weekend and is coming back for twenty more next week. These will be a huge surprise, he said. Although he's told everyone in his large extended family that he is in a book, when you identify yourself as a ruthless dictator and create Celtic myths about yourself, your family tends to dismiss your other claims.

I jubilantly waved a book before him. "And now you have the proof."

He laughed. "Yes, now I have the proof!"

At three-thirty, Ed packed it up, worried about making HIS deadline, then paused.

"Can I hug you?" he asked.

LOL! Why, of course! Merry Christmas, O Ye Steward of Tara!

Steward Setback Saturday: Who's Minding Tara?

 Saturday, December 11, 2010

Who's Minding Tara?

While chatting earlier this week with Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, he informed me his ruthless dictator personality goes on vacation this time of year and is replaced with the spirit of Santa Claus.

Now distributing candy canes, reindeer hats, and listening with an empathic ear to children's Christmas wants are good and laudable activities, but I have two real concerns.

One: When will he finish my genealogy? This is extremely important since Ed Calkins is the only source for this valuable information.

Two: Will additional development infiltrate the Hill of Tara now that the steward has neglected his post?

Editor's note: My entire genealogy was released in 2018, just in time for Calkins Day. You can buy it here.

Steward Setback Saturday: How the Real Ed Calkins Became a Fictional Vampire

Saturday, October 16, 2010

How the Real Ed Calkins Became a Fictional Vampire

It was timing, actually.

Two years ago, Ed Calkins and I worked in the same distribution center. He was a supervisor, and I was a newspaper carrier. Ed was always planning something to make working a seven-day job in the middle of the night more lighthearted. One of those “things” was his annual Ed Calkins day parade in honor of his birthday.

The parade was a simple one. Ed would ride a palette jack and toss candy to the carriers. Each year Ed had the parade, I missed it by coming too late to see it (It’s a VERY short parade).

One year, Ed kept pestering me about starting a newsletter for his imaginary kingdom. He had assumed the persona of a “ruthless dictator” dubbed as the “Steward of Tara” and demanded some “media” coverage. So, after missing yet another parade, I presented him with a big red bow and a choice of birthday presents: a monthly one-page newsletter or a bit role as a vampire in Bryony. Ed laughed and said, “Immortality, of course.” Thus, I began rewriting parts of the novel to make room for his character.

Ed’s character grows in plot importance in the three books that currently comprise the Bryony Series, but the fictional Ed Calkins resembles the real Ed Calkins in many ways except one: as a vampire, he is free to fully live the stories he weaves.

Denise M. Baran-Unland

Steward Setback Saturday: A Chat With Ed Calkins, The Steward of Tara

Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Chat With Ed Calkins, The Steward of Tara

It had been some time since I had updated our Irish vampire about "Bryony," so yesterday at the warehouse, while Daniel and Rebekah counted out my inserts, I gave him a quick call.

The Steward was having a less than upbeat day. The previous day, he'd quit one of his jobs, and that happened immediately after his truck had been towed. Of course, Ed had no money to release his vehicle or to get home, which left him in a bit of a predicament.

Yet, what was uppermost in his mind was the future of his immortality, so this I was eager to share. He immediately began talking about pre-orders; he will need at least twenty books, but promised to email the exact amount.

Ed can't wait until October 14th's Vamp Fest, since the best part of the book's release, for him, will be signing books and letting people know where to find him between the pages, the best and most important parts of the story, according to him.

However, while I'm feverishly searching for a kilt (Ed outgrew his and gave it away), he has more pressing issues on his mind.

Like composing a limerick for the scoundrils that towed away his truck.

Steward Setback Saturday: A Chat With Ed Calkins, The Steward of Tara

Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Chat With Ed Calkins, The Steward of Tara

It had been some time since I had updated our Irish vampire about "Bryony," so yesterday at the warehouse, while Daniel and Rebekah counted out my inserts, I gave him a quick call.

The Steward was having a less than upbeat day. The previous day, he'd quit one of his jobs, and that happened immediately after his truck had been towed. Of course, Ed had no money to release his vehicle or to get home, which left him in a bit of a predicament.

Yet, what was uppermost in his mind was the future of his immortality, so this I was eager to share. He immediately began talking about pre-orders; he will need at least twenty books, but promised to email the exact amount.

Ed can't wait until October 14th's Vamp Fest, since the best part of the book's release, for him, will be signing books and letting people know where to find him between the pages, the best and most important parts of the story, according to him.

However, while I'm feverishly searching for a kilt (Ed outgrew his and gave it away), he has more pressing issues on his mind.

Like composing a lime

rick for the scoundrils that towed away his truck.

Steward Setback Saturday: An Ed Calkins Spinoff? Apparently, Yes.

Saturday, June 29, 2019

An Ed Calkins Spinoff? Apparently, Yes.

A couple weeks ago, a BryonySeries fan suggested I write a prequel to the Ed Calkins Steward of Tara, Irish vampire character.

I felt only Ed himself should write it and told her so. Then I suggested the idea to Ed, who said he'd "think about it."

A few says ago, while checking personal email during my walk home from work, I received this "telegram" from the Steward himself.

Dear Momi,
 
I've started something I could finish but I don't want to go any further if I'm on the wrong track. This is a rough draft. At this point I only what to know if this is the first chapter, would you read the second.

Attached was the first chapter, which I read.

Then I went onto the second telegram:

Another rough draft maybe chapter two.

My question here is; do you care about Trudy and would you read chapter three?

I read chapter two and then replied, "Definitely!"

Here's what makes this remarkable, even if you're a first-time reader of this blog and have no idea (or even care) who Ed Calkins is.

Ed's been writing stories for over five decades and making up stories about himself for probably just as long. He's dyslexic and scatterbrained (his own admission). His computers have crashed and taken his stories with him.

All of which I incorporated into my books, using Ed's own words.

 “Have you stopped to consider what’s fair to me? Do you know what it’s like to have stories bursting inside of you, only to hand-deliver, since I was a lad, newspapers full of other people’s stories, and not be able to put the right words down on paper? I’m so dyslexic and scatterbrained, even spell-check doesn’t recognize my words.”
           
“I don’t care,” John-Peter began, but Ed continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

           
“So, I wind up changing the word to get past spell check, but when I keep writing that way, I kill the story. I keep trying, because I can’t stop writing, yet, on the other hand, I can’t finish anything. My life is full of half-begun novels. I couldn’t even finish one about Hannibal, my hero, foe of Rome! So, in high school, I switched to poetry, but it never sounded like any of the poetry I ever read.”


When I fictionalized him for the BryonySeries, I gave Ed space on my blog, starting back in 2010 when I started the blog. He's written nonsensical Irish humor based on my books ever since.

This includes my "Irish genealogy."

BTW, I am not Irish.

Two years ago, I took that collection of genealogical blogs and published a book for a Calkins Day celebration (there's a whole back story to this, too much for this post) at the Book and Bean Cafe in Joliet.

I didn't tell Ed. He was extremely touched. I didn't know his lifelong dream was to see something he'd written published.

I ordered 40 books. We sold all about 11 at that event. I cut him a royalty check and sent him on his way with the rest of the books.

For Calkins Day 2019, we held a limerick slam at the cafe. The following day when I talked to the cafe's owner, she suggested partnering with me to host Calkins Day 2020.

And she had some very particular ideas about the event.

Ed's work-in-progress, which is very well-written for a first draft, will fit very nicely with her plans.

Which means he needs to get it written, so I can edit it, publish it, and order copies before the end of January.

It is no small thing to help make someone's dream come true. That's the point of this post.

I'm humbled to be part of it. I'm grateful to the BryonySeries fan for suggesting it.

Most people don't have other people investing in their dreams. Their dreams live and die with them.

But how wonderful if we could change that!

Steward Setback Saturday: The Epic Limerick (so far)

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part Three)

A couple weeks ago, Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, (finally) sent the third installment to his epic limerick, which is very loosely based on several of the characters in Staked! the third novel in the BryonySeries trilogy.

For those needing to catch up, here are the links to parts one and two:

http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/03/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-no-one.html

http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/04/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-part.html

For those who have no idea who Ed Calkins is, read this primer:

https://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2017/04/steward-setback-saturday-twenty.html

And, of course, I am MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)

For your amusement, I've included the installment along with the contents of Ed's most recent telegram. And the "panel" which he refers at the end has to do with this year's Calkins Day event (to which you are all invited.

More on the event later! :)


Dear MOMI,

    

I promise this thing has an ending somewhere but right now, I'm feeling a little like Capt. O' Windfree. This unfinished 'epic poem' has been sitting on my hard drive and I've been telling myself to ignore it and it will go away. It hasn't. I then tell myself, 'just finish it by getting to the point', but there is no point.

The poet tries to blame a Muse

Twelve Muses cast their craft willy-nilly

But this epic has gone from unlikely to silly

Seems I met number thirteen

And she’s making me scream

Cause she’s pulling me by what’s behind my own willy

Seems she’s the very muse of derange

Of two meetings she has put in my range

Both on O’Windfree’s own ship

But her pulling, I can’t skip

Here’s where the whole tale starts to get strange

Next morning, O’Windfree told the crew

Of the new plan that Ed already knew

A place called Egypt they were near

Which would trade their wares for beer

But the next part he didn’t have a clue

(Before the recovery movement or 12 step programs, self help groups were very different

The captain and crew have their Tuesday night meeting about their strange diet).

But when the foursome where away for awhile

Captain and crew had a meeting quite vile

See, the Irish have an affliction

We are prone to addiction

All while floating down the river of denial

Said the Captain, “Welcome to the non-cannibal meeting.

“We reassure each other and there plenty of seating,

that they will remember in song

that we did nothing wrong

But we also must choose who next we are eating”

“I should start this meeting with good news

None here at this meeting will draw straws and lose

Both the captain and crew

Have delivered two new

And for our next meal between the two we choose.”

“Look, If we were thieves, we would rob them

If we were from Sodom we’d nob them

And I hope to make plain

That each should explain

how we don’t have a people-eating problem”

“I’ll go first cause I’m feeling quite shoddy

I brought the women name “O” who’s a hottie.

She’s both funny and sweet

But I see her as meat

But I not the first to only want her body.”

I’ll go next cause I’m Jim the first mate

Let’s remember how we got this fate

Lost at sea for thirty days

With out food or any ways

To fish for food without nets or bait

“The next week we tried anything that we could

Rats, bedbugs, leather, cloth, flies, and even wood.

But Matt’s life starvation halted

And It’s he that should be faulted

Because when we ate he tasted so good”

Then each one here and not had agreed

That empty bellies, thirty days didn’t need.

And as soon as Matt’s meat

The whole crew finished to eat

We would draw straws on who next to feed.

After the next meal we did the fleet proud

By deciding that eating crew was allowed

Since then all agreed with our law

Expect the one drawing the short straw.

Gees there always just one in a crowd

THEN KIRK SHARES HIS 'NOT A CANNIBAL' IDEA

It’s not my name but they call me ‘Cannibal Kirk’.

It’s not true but I’m known as a jerk

But my public service,

Makes the lazy nervous.

I only eat people who wouldn’t be showing for work.

BOB GOES NEXT

My name’s Bob and I’m not being malicious

But of the losers complaining I’m suspicious

They say they’re not into vore

And they’d like to live more

But then why did they get so delicious

THEN THE COOK HAS HIS OWN IDEA

I’m Chef David and you don’t have a clue

Cause I’m different and smarter then all you

With your life chances you took

But you wouldn’t cook the cook

If a short straw I draw you’ll all want to redo

So I’ll tell you the of our food inventory

It’s a plain tail that tells the whole story

Tomorrow part of a thigh

And tonight, kidney pie

And it the last of meat from young Laurie

Perhaps two days is too far to look ahead

Future meals you don’t worry about when you’re fed

With the planning I cursed by

More cooking fat has the first guy.

The one the uneatable wood sprite call Uncle Ed

MEANWHILE, A MORE IMPORTANT MEETING...

 While the crew talked of who they’d be eating

The remaining had their own book club meeting.

They discussed far future writing

And found three so exciting

That they made “O” list for future summer reading

The cliff hanger is; what three books got chosen?

                                                          

Ruthlessly Yours,

                                                          Ed Calkins

P.S, I look forward to being on the panel the next Calkins day

Steward Setback Saturday: Ed Calkins: "42"

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Ed Calkins: "42"

So I received this "telegram" for Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, earlier this week, which initiated a brief exchange. The entire correspondence is below, with commentary from me.

BTW, the actual name of the book is the The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.



Dear MOMI,

Dyslexia can change a whole novel. At first read I mistook Connla the Fair as a reincarnated wood sprite interposing that name with Glorna.

I tied to write the next limericks explaining how the two are one but this just mergers too many souls (Connla/Glorna/John Peter+ 42/Angela).

Could you do me a favor and replace Connla with Glorna in the limericks? I just can't make the mistake work thoughI did try.  (Done! And it does make more sense this way. Denise)

    

While we're at it, I wonder if the irony of '42' (the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything in "Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe") was intentional, or a happy accident?

                                                                                        

Dyslexically yours,

Sniklac De

O Steward,

I'll change it... if you're sure.

Because John-Peter did adopt the Connla legend as his, hence his love for apples and wishing for a 

magic one.

I've never read "Hitchhiker," although my sister loved it. Is there a" "42" reference?

MOMI

Dear MOMI

Yea, I did catch the Connla thing but am about to take the Seven Characters in Search of an Author reference and I need the wood sprite not the hero.

Yes. 42 is the answer to "life, the universe, and everything." the earth was built to understand the question (But demolished to build an interstellar highway minutes before the it a a archived its purpose.

I'll be writing more soon

Ed Calkins,

Steward of Tara

So what's this "42" business?

"42" is the name of a character is Staked!

It's truly a happy accident because, in another happy accident, I really didn't know the question when I created her.

But the character 42 (without giving away anything), by another happy accident, seems to fit the premise set forth in "Hitchhiker." (I say "seems" because, like I said, I have not read the book).

Furthermore, I'll bet you're wondering about the connection linking wood sprites, the Connla the Fair legend, and authors.

Well, the answers (sort of) are in Staked!, the third book in the BryonySeries trilogy. Although the books tell one story and make the best sense if consumed in order, they can be read out of order.

In a shameless bit of Staked! promotion, you can buy the book HERE.

And this is a vampire story? Yes.

Or to quote Ed Calkins (as he appears in (Staked!): “There’s all kinds of blood, if you know where to look."

I am now off to my make-believe place. Have a great gloomy Saturday!