Ed Calkins: The Question of Cah

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, wrote a literary nonsense trilogy for the BryonySeries (and he's currently working on his fifth book) called Ruthless.

Ed, as an Irish vampire, is also a primary - and very unreliable - character in the Ruthless trilogy and also in the BryonySeries original "drop of blood" young adult vampire trilogy.

To give you a "taste" of Ed's writings, here is chapter one of his third Ruthless book, "Recovering Ruthless," where he's talking to a "mind worm."

All chapters do not read like this, of course. The character development is stunning and the plot is intricate with delightful threads running through the story.

You may also enjoy chapter 3 from "Recovering Ruthless" and chapter 14 from "Recovering Ruthless" to give you a better idea of the reading adventure that awaits you.

Finally, here is a poem from "Recovering Ruthless" that Ed attributes to one of his characters.

Happy Saturday!

RECOVERING RUTHLESS, BY ED CALKINS, STEWARD OF TARA

CHAPTER 1: THE QUESTION OF CAH

 

 

I probably should think of something else if I’m going to hold your attention. I don’t think you’re interested in the problems with the scientific theory of time travel. Maybe you feel that a story riddled with brownies, vampires, leprechauns, and other fairies shouldn't contain scientific theory at all.

 

              You're hurting my feelings, not to mention the feelings of Eircheard, the leprechaun who tried to explain the universe in all its four dimensions. I'll retaliate later. Better to explain how the four-dimensional universe is really two sides of a coin so only one side is perceivable to anything with consciousness. On the one side, electromagnetics is stronger than gravity thus pulling the universe wider, expanding as it does, creating time, and pulling the pieces apart. On the other side, gravity is stronger than electromagnetics. It pulls the scattered energy and matter towards its center, creating time as it does, and contracting the entire universe into a humongous black hole. On each side, the dominant energy gets spent, the other recharges, each side ends as the other starts, and the coin flips all over again.

 

              Is that easy enough to understand?

 

              Wrong.

 

I didn’t ask if you could dismiss it, I asked if you could understand it, because there is more. While time is merely cosmic motion, the experience of time is completely subjective. Perhaps, if you've studied philosophy, you've heard the nonsensical question: “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it does it make a sound?” The question pretends to be philosophical when it's actually a vocabulary question. Are we defining “sound” as audible by vibrations or this experience of perceiving them? And that's just one part of what sends a leprechaun into fits of rageful rants about the shortsightedness of the larger folks’ feeble brains.

 

There’s a letter on the desk? Don’t distract me.

 

I’m on my way to explaining one theory of time travel and the best ways to do it. One is easy enough. Wait. No, not you. I mean “waiting” is the easiest way to get to any time you want. Don’t you see? Its all circular. The universe expands then contracts, destroying and creating like it did the last time and you'll find yourself in your own past or future, doing the same thing you did the last time for the same reasons.

 

You don’t like that, do you? Do you find it disappointing? Trust me, disappointment is the defining experience of time travel and waiting is the safest way to that disappointment. True other ways are quicker, but you risk contracting Deep Time Psychosis. How do I know that? Not important. The other part of what time is takes priority. How many times has the universal coin flipped? How is the universe on the first flip different from the second or third? I’m sure you’re now ready to explore this new question with an open mind and heart.

 

No? What’s about the letter on the desk?

           

Who are you to interrupt me? Better yet, who are you at all? Somehow, this feels familiar. You are some kind of consciousness in my brain but you're not me, which begs the question of, “Who am I?” I'll tell you what I'm not. I'm not some old man experiencing dementia. While it's true that – for the moment – I’ve forgotten who I am, forgetfulness is understandable when you realize how many more things I have to remember. Think of my brain as a powerful early 1980’s micro-computer with 256 ram and a hard drive it's near an MB. As impossible as it might be to imagine, my hard drive is running out of space. I have to back it up regularly, putting all pertinent information 5 1/4 floppy disk. Then I format the hard drive only to fill it again with other stuff. What is a 5 ¼ floppy disk? Well, it's a disk about five and a fourth inches in diameter and it’s so floppy that they had to put cardboard around it.

 

Forget that.

 

The point is I have so many things to remember, having traveled time as much as I have, sometimes I have to reload my hard drive to answer questions that you consider basic. Who I am will come back to me as soon as I boot up this metaphorical floppy disk. I'm confident I'll remember the five things that are essential. Then I'll deal with you.

 

Oh yes of course, I am Ed Calkins the one and only. If you doubt my fame, may I remind you that you knew who I was before I knew who I was, and we haven't even cared about who you are. Did I make you feel small just now? That's because of the second thing: I am very ruthless. I'll hurt your feelings without a second thought. Try not to be afraid. The third thing seems ridiculously obvious. Newspaper delivery is important. Who doesn't know that? Either I exist because I deliver, or delivery exists because of me…something circular like that. I’m sure I’ll have a better handle on it when the rest of the floppy loads.

 

Cah, I’m having trouble with the next two things. Wait. Did I just call you ‘Cah’? YOU! You’re the mind worm that wanted a story. I was going to tell you the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” Either you wanted a different story, or I couldn’t remember how that story started. Something tells me I haven’t always been nice to you and that we have unfinished business.

 

Where are we? Seems like we’re in the same place we were when we first met. If I’m getting this right, I named you Cah – the anachronism for “courageous and honest” – because I didn’t want to call you an idiot when you admitted you never heard of Ed Calkins. That could only mean you’ve never read this book that’s right next to the letter you’re so keen on. It’s called “Staked!” Cah, this is the first book in a series written by Denise M. Baran-Unland that’s all about me.

 

You think the book wasn’t here the last time? So what?

 

What? I can’t hear your thoughts over the leprechauns and merrows shouting at me to do something about the other. Do you need me to tell you that merrows are the Irish version of mermaids, expect they have legs…quite shapely legs I might add.

 

Oh. The fourth thing I always remember is that I have many wives all over the place. Yes, you might even be a wife of mine. What’s that? You don’t think so. Maybe you are and I never told you…that or you’re male. Either way, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Except for one, there’s no ceremony or sex in my marriages and that’s an unbreakable rule set by Wife Number One: Nala.

 

The letter? Don’t you want to know about the book? I stole it from some future…or the past. I can’t remember now. The important thing is the timeline in the book. You see, everyone thinks the book is a work of fiction except the people in the book. There’s a Sheriff Matt, who is not in the book but in the timeline. He needs to know what happens so he can be ready to handle the things that are. If I travel to the right place/time/year, I’ll give him the drop on a very difficult Christmas.

 

Now I know the fifth thing. I’m a time-traveling, dyslexic, psychotic, Irish vampire, but you might have guessed that already.

 

What?

 

We never found out why the leprechauns and merrows are yelling?

 

The letter was going to be the key to it all, but I never followed through. I just went on to other things without reading it. I remember now, Cah. It was for your benefit. I have a hard time not thinking thing out loud to a mind worm, and I didn’t want to spoil the ending of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” I was afraid that I would start thinking how Mama Bear put Goldilocks in a pot with carrots and peas, Papa Bear put a sign above the home reading “free room and board to slow running children,” and Baby Bear never had porridge again.

 

Yes, Yes, the letter. Cah, I promise this time, I’ll get to it. But first, I have to deliver this book. It will only take a second…or several lifetimes depending on the time-travel traffic. It’s all the same to a dyslexic, psychotic, time traveling Irish vampire when he tries to answer the question of Cah.