It's been a year and a half since Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, sent the third installment to the epic limerick he's writing, which takes Staked! into realms I never considered.
Of course, Ed is busying writing his first novel (Ruthless), the epic limerick will just have to go to the back of the newspaper delivery van.
For anyone looking for a bit of nonsense to de-stress from the week, well, epic limericks don't get more nonsensical than this.
For those needing to catch up, here are the links to parts
one and two:
For those who have no idea who Ed Calkins is, read this
primer:
And, of course, I am MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)
For your amusement, I've included the installment along with
the contents of Ed's most recent telegram. And the "panel" which he
refers at the end has to do with the 2019 Calkins Day event.
Dear MOMI,
I promise this thing has an ending somewhere but right now,
I'm feeling a little like Capt. O' Windfree. This unfinished 'epic poem' has
been sitting on my hard drive and I've been telling myself to ignore it and it
will go away. It hasn't. I then tell myself, 'just finish it by getting to the
point', but there is no point.
The poet tries to blame a Muse
Twelve Muses cast their craft willy-nilly
But this epic has gone from unlikely to silly
Seems I met number thirteen
And she’s making me scream
Cause she’s pulling me by what’s behind my own willy
Seems she’s the very muse of derange
Of two meetings she has put in my range
Both on O’Windfree’s own ship
But her pulling, I can’t skip
Here’s where the whole tale starts to get strange
Next morning, O’Windfree told the crew
Of the new plan that Ed already knew
A place called Egypt they were near
Which would trade their wares for beer
But the next part he didn’t have a clue
(Before the recovery movement or 12 step programs, self help
groups were very different
The captain and crew have their Tuesday night meeting about
their strange diet).
But when the foursome where away for awhile
Captain and crew had a meeting quite vile
See, the Irish have an affliction
We are prone to addiction
All while floating down the river of denial
Said the Captain, “Welcome to the non-cannibal meeting.
“We reassure each other and there plenty of seating,
that they will remember in song
that we did nothing wrong
But we also must choose who next we are eating”
“I should start this meeting with good news
None here at this meeting will draw straws and lose
Both the captain and crew
Have delivered two new
And for our next meal between the two we choose.”
“Look, If we were thieves, we would rob them
If we were from Sodom we’d nob them
And I hope to make plain
That each should explain
how we don’t have a people-eating problem”
“I’ll go first cause I’m feeling quite shoddy
I brought the women name “O” who’s a hottie.
She’s both funny and sweet
But I see her as meat
But I not the first to only want her body.”
I’ll go next cause I’m Jim the first mate
Let’s remember how we got this fate
Lost at sea for thirty days
With out food or any ways
To fish for food without nets or bait
“The next week we tried anything that we could
Rats, bedbugs, leather, cloth, flies, and even wood.
But Matt’s life starvation halted
And It’s he that should be faulted
Because when we ate he tasted so good”
Then each one here and not had agreed
That empty bellies, thirty days didn’t need.
And as soon as Matt’s meat
The whole crew finished to eat
We would draw straws on who next to feed.
After the next meal we did the fleet proud
By deciding that eating crew was allowed
Since then all agreed with our law
Expect the one drawing the short straw.
Gees there always just one in a crowd
THEN KIRK SHARES HIS 'NOT A CANNIBAL' IDEA
It’s not my name but they call me ‘Cannibal Kirk’.
It’s not true but I’m known as a jerk
But my public service,
Makes the lazy nervous.
I only eat people who wouldn’t be showing for work.
BOB GOES NEXT
My name’s Bob and I’m not being malicious
But of the losers complaining I’m suspicious
They say they’re not into vore
And they’d like to live more
But then why did they get so delicious
THEN THE COOK HAS HIS OWN IDEA
I’m Chef David and you don’t have a clue
Cause I’m different and smarter then all you
With your life chances you took
But you wouldn’t cook the cook
If a short straw I draw you’ll all want to redo
So I’ll tell you the of our food inventory
It’s a plain tail that tells the whole story
Tomorrow part of a thigh
And tonight, kidney pie
And it the last of meat from young Laurie
Perhaps two days is too far to look ahead
Future meals you don’t worry about when you’re fed
With the planning I cursed by
More cooking fat has the first guy.
The one the uneatable wood sprite call Uncle Ed
MEANWHILE, A MORE IMPORTANT MEETING...
While the crew talked
of who they’d be eating
The remaining had their own book club meeting.
They discussed far future writing
And found three so exciting
That they made “O” list for future summer reading
The cliff hanger is; what three books got chosen?
Ruthlessly Yours,
Ed Calkins
P.S, I look forward to being on the panel the next Calkins
day
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