Ed Calkins on Asian Carp and Neanderthals
Dear MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)
I've been a little reoccupied lately on the problem of Asian Carp. Every time I think of some plan to handle it, I get distracted.
Now, if you're assuming that the problem I'm working on is about invasive species, I might point out the hypocrisy inherent on humans calling that out. Talk to whales, and they'll tell you that the oceans were fine before mankind invented ships. I'm sure birds, although I've not verbal conformation, feel the same way about planes and skies.
Nowhere however, is the hypocrisy of invasive species more apparent than to Neanderthals. I'm speaking of the great undocumented migration of Homo Sapiens from Africa into Europe. As you may recall, (I'm not suggesting you're old enough to remember this so you have to take my word for it), before this time, all of humanity (I exclude Neanderthals, which my be a prejudice.) lived on tropical lake front property around the area that is the Sahara desert today. This lake in the tongue of ancient caveman was called 'Uga Buga Wuga' which means "a really nice place to live." (I'll write later on what it will be called).
You know the bit about every 20 thousand years the earth's tilt and Uga Buga Wuga' dried out, causing waves of impoverished Homo Sapiens to brave the Neanderthal border patrols and cross into "Neatherland" without legal right to do so? The problem got so bad the really big leader of Neatherland called his senators together to demand that a giant wall be invented first, then built. As you know, despite this ingenious preemptive attempt to keep Neatherland great, humans continued to pour into Europe without even an attempt to assimilate into Neatherland culture.
Archaeological evidence shows that humans stayed, Neanderthals didn't, and no wall was ever invited or built. Reasons why may be politically divisive and so I will not lend my name to the debate. Let it not be said, however, that these primates did nothing, for on the borders they posted signs presumed to discourage illegal immigration.
As to theories on what drove Neanderthals into extinction, they have that political problem as well so I can pretend that I don't know (as do you (because I told you)), that it was the Ug-Lee syndrome.
Oh yes, I was talking about the fish. See what I mean.
Okay.
Remember, the twenty thousands years land grab for lake front property around the Sahara is going to be a giant lake again in a mere ten thousand years. I mean to own that lake by buying all the land around it and making it the best place in the world to fish, but also the safest.
Using selective spawning, I'd hoped to evolve a fish that grows very big, taste like lobster or steak, and then bites a sinker, grips its mouth tightly around it, and doesn't let go until its safely in the net. Sounds great, right?
The problem is the Asian Carp has that beat for fishermen. It grows big, tastes good (although not quite like surf and turf) and jumps right in the boat as you pass. How am I suppose to beat that? I'd have to breed a fish that cooks itself!
There's another matter of which I find some discomfort in mentioning; a financial matter. Despite my contempt for such uninteresting considerations, I find myself in need of funds. Well known are the Saudis for valuing their oil wells, but who would have thought they'd value so highly all the land that encircles them?
No, MOMI, I'm not asking you directly for money, you're a writer; you don't have two pennies to rub together. I'm asking you to solicit investors. I'll need one hundred of them at 50 mil a piece. Just tell them that if they give Ed Calkins fifty million dollars, he'll make them rich.
Later on how beer came to Ireland and the Irish came to (back) to Africa.
Also why I haven't read Staked!.
Yet
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara
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