"Twilight Revisted," by Duanne Walton and Story Round Up

Okay, Mr. Walton. We've received a complaint that you showed up last night at the Mommy Porn Club's monthly Open Mike Night and proceeded to read something you described as, "The male version of Twilight." Some guy gets involved with a female vampire, then has to protect her from his estranged sister who's actually a slayer, and is in town to kill his new girlfriend, is that correct?

We have reports of several attendees becoming violently ill and being rushed to the hospital with internal hemorrhaging. Several attendees becoming violently hysterical, tearing their clothes off, and running out into the streets screaming. And the president of the Mommy Porn Club driving her car into her own living room and force feeding her husband his own - well, body parts.

You didn't invite any of those ladies to this, did you? You know that sexual harassment charge from several years ago went on your permanent record, right?

Did you even issue any kind of disclaimer saying that your story could trigger adverse reactions in people?

You didn't think you had to? Well, you thought wrong. You need to start being more considerate about how your stuff affects people.

We've also got reports of you at the Joliet Barnes and Noble several weeks ago, haranguing the girl behind the service desk. You brandished a couple of books on how to date vampires. Apparently, the books had been written for women, and you demanded to know why they didn't have any written for men?

All you did was ask? It never hurts to ask, huh? Wrong again. You have any idea how much therapy it'll take for that poor girl to get over your "asking?"

If they were written for women, then what were you doing looking at them?

Research? Research for what?

Your story. Does everything have to be about your story?

Only what you're putting into in, huh? You've got an answer for everything, don't you? Then I suppose you've got an answer for this: you've also been seen using a bookmark with Alice Cullen's picture on it. What were you doing with it?

Don't give me that "marking my place with it!" You know what I mean!

I'm going to ask you something, and I'd appreciate a straight answer. Do you have a crush on Alice Cullen?

I thought so. How did that happen?

Ashley worked her magic on you, huh? What little she's got to use. They're a dime a dozen these days.

Who gave you that bookmark?

I see. And how long has Hot Topic been selling them?

I see. Well, they won't be selling them anymore, I promise.

So, you used this infatuation to fuel your latest fantasy fulfillment pornography. And you just couldn't keep it to yourself. What made you think the Mommy Porn Club wanted to hear it?

What made you think they'd like it?

What makes you think, period? Who gave you permission to think? Who gave you permission to write this trash? Who gave you permission to spew it?

Guess you don't have an answer for everything after all.., do you?

Mr. Walton, you are hear by charged with reading restricted material, disturbing the public well being, writing offensive material, reading aloud said offensive material in public without issuing the proper trigger warnings, insensitivity to others, inciting negativity in members of the public, and improper possession of a bookmark. You are hear by sentenced to listen to audio of Judge Judy reading the Fifty Shades trilogy, after which you will receive three months of sensitivity counseling. Dismissed.


Benefit set for former Plainfield man stricken with heart problems

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http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/22235581-423/benefit-set-for-former-plainfield-man-stricken-with-heart-problems.html


Antigravity treadmill takes a load off for Lockport woman

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http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/22219006-423/antigravity-treadmill-takes-a-load-off-for-lockport-woman.html


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http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/news/22116433-418/an-extraordinary-life-lemont-man-was-gifted-painter-giver.html


Woods, whiskers and a walk to benefit Will County Humane Society

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http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/22244926-423/woods-whiskers-and-a-walk-to-benefit-will-county-humane-society.html


Lockport woman, brain aneurysm survivor pays it forward

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http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/22340634-423/lockport-woman-brain-aneurysm-survivor-pays-it-forward.html


Joliet girl's lemonade stand raises money for cystic fibrosis foundation

Over $200, to be exact, all done by an eleven year old girl and her friends for the girl's six year old sister, who suffers from cystic fibrosis.

http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/22339760-423/joliet-girls-lemonade-stand-raises-money-for-cystic-fibrosis-foundation.html