Friday, August 30, 2013

"D'UH!-m Publishing" by Tom Hernandez and Two Weeks of Story Round Ups


D’UH!-m PUBLISHING

 
To:       Ms. Stephanie Meyer

Re:      Recent book query

 
Dear Ms. Meyer,

Thank you for your recent submission of your book, “Twilight” to D’UH!-m Publishing. We appreciate your interest in working with our company.

Our company’s stated goal is to bring the written word to the masses, in a way that will enrich our authors and our own corporate bank account. We do this by appealing to the masses through what we commonly refer to as “LCD Literature” – that is, books that appeal to the “lowest common denominator.”

Our years of experience and unprecedented publishing success have proven that the average person doesn’t much care about the quality of the writing.

Rather, they are more interested in derivative themes or genres featuring disjointed story telling; ridiculous plots that defy even the most dedicated attempts to “suspend disbelief”; sex between unrealistically beautiful teens; low-brow humor; more teen sex; overwrought, empty, belly-button gazing self examination; vapid, stilted, simplistic writing; more teen sex; and the kind of “underwear model” characters who can easily be cross marketed to feed our audience’s other great passion: Celebrity Status!

Our business model is as simple as it is successful: “Don’t raise them up, dumb them down!”

Now, to the business at hand. I have read your book. As hard as it is for me to admit this, it falls below even our already-shamelessly low standards. Frankly, I cannot believe you even took the time to put a stamp on your envelope much less write this book.

We at D’Uh-m Publishing are usually very happy to put out anything that will sell. I mean, what the heck? A buck is a buck, right? But we will be even happier to not publish “Twilight.” Hopefully, someone, somewhere will see this as a selfless attempt to protect the public, most especially teen girls from the brain damage that this book might cause them, and give us a gold star in Literature Heaven.

I would offer best wishes, but that might encourage you to shop this drivel to another publisher.

 
Regards (but not kind or fond),

Tom Hernandez

President

D’uh-m Publishing
 
 
A plateful of purpose: woman brings healthy eating program to Joliet
 
A plant-based diet based on Biblical principles is the best way to eat, Audree Lee says. For more information, keep reading.
 
 
 
Late artists paintings go on display
 
Gale Tolf suffered from mental illness but that didn't dampen her talent for producing rich, colorful art or live a life as vibrant as her work.
 
 
 
From adoption, a rescue is born
 
Learn about a rescue group that caters to all herding breeds, and find out how you can help.
 
 
 
Local music at heart of this fest
 
A local bar and grill owner never forgot the variety of music his grandfather introduced into his life. Certain others would enjoy it, too, Mikie Trizna began a local music festival that attracts thousands of patrons.
 
 
 
Frankfort author writes her own path
 
When Dianne Gallagher couldn't find a publisher for her crime novel because of its atypical protagonist, Gallagher founded her own company, much to the delight of local book clubs.
 
 
 
Centenarian always had energy, adaptability
 
Lawrence Santini had a passion for life and a knack for reinventing himself, quite possibly his secret to longevity.
 
 
 
Doctor's orders: canine comfort
 
Nothing quite brings solace to the dying and the grieving as a well-trained, four-footed, furry visitor.
 
 
 
Mission trip a powerful experience for New Lenox woman
 
Writing a dissertation may not seem like a prime motivator for a mission trip, but, for Helen Hicks, it not only opened a door for her, it changed her life.
 
 
 
Bolingbrook teen introduced to fine China
 
Justin Payton not only traveled abroad to study the foundations of another culture, he won an entrepreneur contest two weeks later.
 
 
 
Bolingbrook Joyfest sends music with a message
 
Pozitive Xchange will be one of those bands. Pollyanna? Judge for yourself after you read the founder of this band's story.
 
 
 
A princess' tale
 
Be forwarned: it's a sad one, the story of a seven year old's courageous fight with a rare liver cancer.
 

No comments: