Saturday, February 10, 2018

Steward Setback Saturday: Getting Prepped for Calkins Day: One Striped Shirt, Check

Saturday, January 28, 2017


Getting Prepped for Calkins Day: One Striped Shirt, Check

“Of course, the highlight of the year is the Calkins Day parade on February thirteenth, my birthday. In fact, I have a petition circulating to make February twelfth through the fourteenth a three-day national holiday. Would you care to sign it?” (Bryony, Chapter 22, Lisa Harding)


As she walked in his direction to join him, Melissa saw a pot-bellied, bespectacled, gray-haired man wearing blue jeans and a white and red-striped shirt. He was pushing a pallet jack full of newspapers toward the table where John-Peter sat. Ed Calkins! The Steward of Tara! (Visage, Chapter 23: No Holds Barred)


Ed approached the next carrier. “Would you care to sign my petition? You see, my birthday falls between Lincoln’s birthday and Valentine’s Day, so I believe it should be a national holiday, complete with a parade.”(Visage, Chapter 23: No Holds Barred)


No new carrier slipped through the ranks without at least one request to sign Ed Calkins’ petition. Ed’s birthday fell between Abraham Lincoln’s birthday and Valentine’s Day, a fact significant enough, Ed felt, to warrant a three-day national holiday.

“The time will come when everyone around the world will eagerly anticipate the Ed Calkins Day parade,” Ed always said, beaming, as he pressed both paper and pen into the hesitant carrier’s hands.

In the meantime, Ed himself offered the joys and excitement of his parade to the elite crowd fortunate enough to deliver newspapers in the middle of the night from the Jenson warehouse. 

For as long as John-Peter could remember, he celebrated each February thirteen watching a carrier pull Uncle Ed through the building on the pallet jack, one John-Peter had decorated with green streamers and balloons for the occasion, while an exuberant Ed waved to his constituents with one hand and tossed bite-sized, wrapped pieces of candies from the other one toward the work stations.
("Staked!" Chapter 4: Midnight Apprentice)


Ah, Ed Calkins. What would this character be like without his famous petition and delusion that February 13 should be a national holiday? And yet, what better way to celebrate fiction in general and the BryonySeries in particular, than with a nonexistent holiday?

Sooooooo, in preparation for February 13, Ed Calkins Day, I've begun collecting items I will need for a modest parade Calkins Day parade of one (me).

And here we go!



Friday, February 9, 2018

Community News: Feb. 9, 2018

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.


Local arts and entertainment: Feb. 9 through Feb. 16


Joliet School District 86 hosts 'Principal for a Day'


Valley View students participated in ILMEA festival


Author visits Bolingbrook students


Bolingbrook school band honored
Good opportunity for readers and writers
Sign up for the LocalLit short story newsletter



Sign up for the Will County Go Guide 

http://www.theherald-news.com/newsletter/will-county-go-guide/#/







Illustration by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt for "Bryony."

Story Round-Up: Features in The Herald-News, Feb. 4 through Feb. 9

Waving "hi" as I keep moving....it's  busy Friday!

Below, an event reminder; where to find calendars, briefs, me (on social media), books, and feature stories for the week.

Enjoy the day! :)


A reminder of an upcoming event:

Calkins Day Book Signing

​WHEN: 6 to 8 p.m. Feb. 13, 2018

WHERE: Book and Bean Cafe, 3395 Black Road, Joliet

​ETC: Meet BryonySeries' real Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara and first (and only) Irish vampire on Calkins Day. Buy signed copies of his yet untitled or released book about author Denise M. Baran-Unland's "Irish" genealogy. Refreshments and great coffee for sale. The evening will celebrate Ed's birthday, limericks, Celtic lore, and all things fun and creative. Irish garb (Irish apparel, dressing as leprechauns and other Celtic mythological characters) encouraged.


​Non-bylined features:

Monday through Saturday I assembled my non-bylined works - brief posts and calendar listings - into one convenient file and posting them on Facebook in the evening, so readers can easily choose the ones they want to read.

One can also find those event listings, the Gotta Do It calendar, as well as the pets, health, faith, and arts and entertainment calendars, under the sections tab on the left hand side of http://www.theherald-news.com/. Click on "features" and the topics drop down.  Gotta Do It runs under "people."

Community news? Again, under the sections tab, under features, and by topic. Updates are posted on these days in print and web (and some only on web on other days as I have the time): Monday (pets), Tuesday (health), Thursday (faith), Friday (arts and entertainment), and Sunday (people).

Social media:

Daily updates: I do post the briefs and calendars on Twitter during the week, so you're welcome to follow me at @Denise_Unland61.

BryonySeries stuff: I post curated content relating to the BryonySeries at @BryonySeries. And assorted related content at www.facebook.com/BryonySeries. And of course, please follow the adventures of Bertrand the Mouse on Instagram at bertrand_bryonyseries.

If you're a writer anywhere in the world, you're welcome to jon WriteOn Joliet's Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/groups/writeonminooka/?ref=bookmarks. We're based in Joliet, Illinois, but we love to meet and interact with writers outside our area, too.

Books and Such

Information on my books (including where to buy) is at www.bryonyseries.com. 

Thank you for reading The Herald-News. And for reading this blog. And if you've read (or plan to read) any of my books. Your support is greatly appreciated.



Kickboxing saved Joliet man's life

Daniel Morales’ answer to a prayer came when he saw a photograph of a mixed martial artist “about to fly in midair.”


An Extraordinary Life: Serving with a smile

“It was always for the kids and her husband,” Kathy Macris of Joliet, Frances’ daughter-in-law said. “She put them first. ... She had a very positive attitude.”

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/30/07b3d423779a4ccdb20cf3ca43825580/index.xml


Have fun with Breast Intentions
Feb. 9 Mardi Gras event benefits breast cancer patients

Lou Ann Peck, founder of the Illinois chapter, said all the money raised helps breast cancer patients with rent, utility bills, medical and cosmetic needs, groceries, car payments, gas cards and insurance.

"It's the everyday items that pile up," Peck said. "It's about the groceries and the kitty litter and the dog food. Maybe it's the little things that need to be addressed every day that are not because they have to drop something to pay for something else.



Mystery Diner: Joliet's Hey Hot Dog: Homemade root beer, great dogs, 'old-timey' venue

I feel the best way to judge a hot dog venue is to sample an assortment, which is just what a friend and I did one day.



Fallen from grace, saved by grace
Plainfield man has lived both sides

“I started picking up the word of God and reading it. It formed me from the inside out,” Joe Brunker said. “I started writing worship songs. I felt this amazing power in me I never felt before.”



Make memories this Valentine's Day
Joliet event planner tells how

Tameca Marve  believes occasions such as Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries – and yes, even Sweetest Day – are opportunities for people to create cherished memories.



Artworks: Plainfield teen swaps stage for STEM

"Every day we did a new job," Tewes said. "We got to use the camera and do the sound with the boom mic. We edited a little bit; they taught us how to do it. Everything you do when making a movie, we got to try."


Illustration by Matt Coundiff for "Visage." Follow him at www.facebook.com/artbymattcoundiff or @MattCoundiff on Twitter.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Community News: Feb. 8, 2018

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.



Local faith events: Feb. 8 through Feb. 15



Plainfield school announces spelling bee winners



Joliet students recognized for virtue of perseverance



Tips for keeping your car in the clear this season
Be safe on the road in snow



Joliet Chamber to honor its 'Great Teachers'



Good opportunity for readers and writers
Sign up for the LocalLit short story newsletter



Sign up for the Will County Go Guide 



Joliet Montessori School adds primary teaching assistant





Illustration by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt for "Bryony."

BryonySeries Throwback Thursday: My First "Bryony" Photo Shoot!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My First "Bryony" Photo Shoot!

Ah, children! Boy, do they keep you humble.

My seventeen-year-old daughter Rebekah accompanied me yesterday to the P. Seth Magosky Museum of Victorian Life in Joliet where a photographer from the Morris Daily Herald took pictures of me in Victorian dress and on the location where we shot the Bryony trailer and music video.

While I changed in a cold upstairs bedroom from my nice warm jeans into a cold satin gown and tied on my tulle-filled bustle, I graciously accepted Rebekah's well-meaning comments of, "You don't look bad for fifty," and "How could you do this without me?"

To prove her point, Rebekah clasped my borrowed jewelry around my neck and balanced my hat atop my head. Next came the hard part: descending the polished wood stairs in a pair of slippery-soled shoes. Pat Magosky, museum curator, stood at the bottom, shaking his head and laughing at my careful, halting steps.

"If I fall down and break my neck," I told him, "I promise to haunt your house forever."

Pat's wife Andrea Magosky entertained us with stories of Joliet's past until the photographer arrived. Then the real fun began. The photographer decided that, for the first picture, she would position me on a small couch near the grand piano. That's when I heard the soft giggle.

"Stop laughing," I warned Rebekah.

The photographer draped my skirts "just so," which elicited another muffled snicker from Rebekah and additional chastisement from me. We repeated that routine several times.

"My kids aren't used to seeing this side of me," I said.

The photographer smiled in understanding.

Next, the photographer snapped a few pictures of me standing between my "Bryony" displays. Rebekah chuckled, then clapped her hand over her mouth.

"Do I have something taped to my back?" the photographer said looking around her.

I glared at Rebekah.

"Since it's such a key part of the story, let's take a few at the piano," the photographer said.

I sat on the bench and placed curved finges over the keys (Note to self: Have James show me a real chord or two for future shoots). Rebekah fled from the room, laughing, laughing, laughing.

The photographer smiled too and good-naturedly finished up with some additional shots of me on the couch.

"I don't take very good pictures," I said.

"These are fine," she replied, still smiling and snapping away.

She selected two interior "Bryony" illustratons and asked me to email them to her, along with the cover and "Bryony" logo. I thanked the photographer for her time, as well as her patience with the peanut gallery. The photographer, who doesn't have children, graciously dismissed it.

Back upstairs, while I switched back into street clothes and Rebekah repacked my costume, we wondered how messy the warehouse might be on a Monday and whether or not any recycling boxes had arrived. I mentally reviewed the story I would finish writing while she worked and hoped I had brought the right notes.

"Did you pack my flash drive?" I asked.

Rebekah shook her head in mock exasperation. "What would you do without me?"

We had returned to common ground.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Community News: Feb. 7, 2018

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.


Need help? Want to help? Here's a roundup of area food pantries



Local pet events: Feb. 5 through Feb. 12



Romeoville university students impact nutrition at Bolingbrook school



Bolingbrook school hosted barbecue



Joliet nursing home announces new assistant administrator



Bolingbrook school receives donation of school supplies



3rd-grader at Bolingbrook school helped hurricane victims



Romeoville student knows his math




Illustration by Matt Coundiff for "Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles from 'Bryony.'" Follow him at www.facebook.com/artbymattcoundiff or @MattCoundiff on Twitter.

Open Mic Night 2017: Denise M Baran-Unland (Round 2)

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Community News: Feb. 6, 2018

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.


Local health events: Feb. 6 through Feb. 13



Cancer Support Center hosted successful camp



Lincoln-Way East classes donate to Lullaby Birthplace through St. James Hospital



New angiography system at Silver Cross Hospital in New Lenox



Morris Hospital offers treatment program for lymphedema



Bolingbrook students raise money for cancer and hurricane victims



Romeoville Smiles Dentistry has ribbon cutting dentistry 



Sign up for the Will County Go Guide



Sign up for the LocalLit Short Story Newsletter


Illustration by Matt Coundiff for "Visage." Follow him at www.facebook.com/artbymattcoundiff or @MattCoundiff on Twitter.

Benefits of Creativity: A Very Short Post

I had some time unexpectedly open up for me this past weekend, and I used to to work on Before the Blood and the second Cornell Dyer book.

It confirmed for me what I knew all along: Creative people need time to be creative.

I'm very cognizant of duty and responsibilities. I tend to subscribe to a "work before play" mentality.

But slipping into a "no play" until each and every piece of work is one hundred percent done often leaves zero time for play.

Creative play relaxes and sharpens my mind and improves productivity everywhere else.

Goal: get better at treating this as a need rather than a want.

If you're an artist, too, you'll understand.




Monday, February 5, 2018

Community News: Feb. 5, 2018

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.


Gotta Do It: Feb. 4 through Feb. 11

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/01/28/gotta-do-it-feb-4-through-feb-11/aw016kg/


Local pet events: Feb. 5 through Feb. 12 

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/01/29/pets-local-pet-events-feb-5-through-feb-12/a9adh3s/


Joliet Chamber to honor its 'Great Teachers'

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/02/03/433d9a3b8b8349568753229e7d1e58c4/index.xml


Pets of the Week: Feb. 5

Read the caption of each photo to find out about that pet, including where he or she can be adopted.

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/29/71036bbc955f47e6bd75b6327e88a193/index.xml?page=1


Forest Preserve offers ‘Animal Olympics’ for kids
Register by Feb. 8 

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/02/02/forest-preserve-offers-animal-olympics-for-kids/ay2suuk/


Romeoville and Bolingbrook seniors visit Chicago Tube & Iron in Romeoville

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/21/1365f5b9e1f94351884c73e713a45a4c/index.xml


Romeoville students tour Toys R Us warehouse in Joliet 

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/01/21/romeville-students-tour-toys-r-us-warehouse-in-joliet/ao5i09x/




Illustration by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt for "Bryony."

10 Reasons to Read (or Re-Read) the BryonySeries this Year

Talk about shameless self-promotion!

Well, not really. But with all the "top ten" stories online coupled with the many story lists I've made for The Herald-News website, I thought I'd have fun with one of my own.

If the points below DON'T interest you, then the series is definitely not for you.

But if any of them make you think, hmmm, well, then maybe...


1) You'll become immersed in another world.

Munsonville. Simons Mansion. Eircheard’s Emporium. Grover's Park. The land beyond the mirror. Jenson College of Liberal Arts.

These are just some of the examples.





2) It's not what it seems to be.

Or to quote Tom Hernandez's forward from the third book:

The ability to capture and convey the challenges and rewards of human interaction -- pain and joy, celebration and sorrow, heartache and elation. These are the difference, to paraphrase the immortal Truman Capote, between “typing” and “writing.”

Thanks, Tom!!! :)




3) The trilogy is not a page-turner.

Wait -- what??? Shouldn't good books be page-turners? Well, yes...and no. Instead of a sprint to the the end, the BryonySeries trilogy has a slow-build pace to keep you rooted to each word in each line so you read slowly and carefully. Very carefully.





4) If you're a parent, you may understand your teens better.





5) If you're a teen, you may understand yourself and your peers better.




6) There's an emphasis on personal responsibility and consequences of actions.

Translation: No victim mentality here.




7) No sparkling vampires.

Not one. Not a single one.




8) You might fall in love.

Plenty of 3-D characters here, all with their virtues and vices (more or less) and no cliches.




9) It's complicated.

If you like "light reading" or beach reads, this isn't the series for you.




10) You'll improve your vocabulary.

Some terms lightly tossed around (depending on the book): pseudogenes, hanta virus, crubeens.






How to buy it? Right HERE.


Illustrations by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt ("Bryony") and Matt Coundiff ("Visage"). Follow Matt at www.facebook.com/artbymattcoundiff or @MattCoundiff on Twitter.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Community News: Feb. 3

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.


6th Annual 'Seed Exchange' is Feb. 3 in Lockport 



Joliet students excel at spelling bee 



State fire marshal asks residents to practice fire safety
Illinois experienced a high number of fire fatalities in January 



Troy schools getting solar paneling
Power costs expected to decrease by 48 percent 



Illinois Film Industry Continues to Expand, Diversify in 2017 



New opportunity for readers and writers
Sign up for the LocalLit short story newsletter



Check out this free events newsletter
 Sign up for the Will County Go Guide 



Plainfield Art League to hold meeting and show Feb. 7 



The Lions of Plainfield to host 'Wine Madness' on Feb. 11

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/01/16/the-lions-of-plainfield-to-host-wine-madness-on-feb-11/avkiltt/

Illustration by Matt Coundiff for "Visage." Follow him at www.facebook.com/artbymattcoundiff or @MattCoundiff on Twitter.

Sue's Diner: Irish Soda Bread

Melisa found it odd that Irish soda bread was a Simons Mansion staple, but since John offered no explanation, she felt uncomfortable asking for one. We don’t have the authentic recipe, but this one is just as good.

And yet, what a great way to get in the mood for Calkins Day on Feb. 13.

I like this particular recipe because it contains no raisins and is less sweet than other versions (although I could do with even less sugar than this recipe provides). 

Find the recipe HERE.




From "Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles From 'Bryony'"

All proceeds benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties. www.bbbswillgrundy.org.

Order the cookbook at www.bryonyseries.com.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

New books!

I am happy to report that copies of my Irish genealogy arrived this past week and are patiently waiting inside their box for Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, to assign his autograph to each and every one of them on Calkins Day.

We'll be selling copies of this nonsense (FYI: I am not Irish) from 6 to 8 p.m. Feb. 13 (Calkins Day) at the Book and Bean Cafe inside the Joliet Public Library, 3395 Black Road in Joliet.

Just $4.99 (with tax) will let you take home one of these great tomes, with all proceeds going to Ed himself as a birthday present from readers, writers, his loyal fans, and his loyal fans-to-be.

We'll also have some giveaways that have nothing to do with the book and some special subscription offers for The Herald-News, which has everything to do with the book.

Confused? Then come on out. You'll leave even more confused But make sure you first buy a cup of the second best coffee in Joliet. At least you won't leave thirsty.

Dressing like it's St. Patrick's Day is encouraged. Barring that, I recommend jeans and striped polo shirts ('ll be wearing my Ed Calkins red and white one).

I might even tie a green ribbon around Bertrand's pretend neck.

BTW, Bertrand, seen in yonder box, wants everyone to follow him on Instagram at bertrand_bryonyseries.

 A shameless plug, I know, but it's the only way he let me use his photo of this blog.



Friday, February 2, 2018

Community News: Feb. 1 and Feb. 2

Check out upcoming events in the Joliet area, as well as the awesome things people are doing.


Local faith events: Feb. 1 through Feb. 8 

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/01/31/accreditation-reinforces-excellence-among-senior-living-providers-at-senior-star-in-romeoville/al1pm9a/



Frankfort students work on biographies


Plainfield school held a Graphic Novel Gala 



Bolingbrook school held curriculum night 

http://www.theherald-news.com/2018/01/21/bolingbrook-school-held-curriculum-night/amg7bwc/

Illustration by Kathleen Rose Van Pelt for "Bryony."

Story Round-Up: Features in The Herald-News, Jan. 28 through Feb. 2

Busy Friday!

As in, impossibly busy.

Next week, I'll share some new and upcoming projects. But for today, we'll just move right into the stories and one reminder about Calkins Day.


A reminder of an upcoming event:

Calkins Day Book Signing

​WHEN: 6 to 8 p.m. Feb. 13, 2018

WHERE: Book and Bean Cafe, 3395 Black Road, Joliet

​ETC: Meet BryonySeries' real Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara and first (and only) Irish vampire on Calkins Day. Buy signed copies of his yet untitled or released book about author Denise M. Baran-Unland's "Irish" genealogy. Refreshments and great coffee for sale. The evening will celebrate Ed's birthday, limericks, Celtic lore, and all things fun and creative. Irish garb (Irish apparel, dressing as leprechauns and other Celtic mythological characters) encouraged.


CONTACT: bryonyseries.com


And now, the stories....

​
Non-bylined features:

Monday through Saturday I assembled my non-bylined works - brief posts and calendar listings - into one convenient file and posting them on Facebook in the evening, so readers can easily choose the ones they want to read.

One can also find those event listings, the Gotta Do It calendar, as well as the pets, health, faith, and arts and entertainment calendars, under the sections tab on the left hand side of http://www.theherald-news.com/. Click on "features" and the topics drop down.  Gotta Do It runs under "people."

Community news? Again, under the sections tab, under features, and by topic. Updates are posted on these days in print and web (and some only on web on other days as I have the time): Monday (pets), Tuesday (health), Thursday (faith), Friday (arts and entertainment), and Sunday (people).

Social media:

Daily updates: I do post the briefs and calendars on Twitter during the week, so you're welcome to follow me at @Denise_Unland61.

BryonySeries stuff: I post curated content relating to the BryonySeries at @BryonySeries. And assorted related content at www.facebook.com/BryonySeries. And of course, please follow the adventures of Bertrand the Mouse on Instagram at bertrand_bryonyseries.

If you're a writer anywhere in the world, you're welcome to jon WriteOn Joliet's Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/groups/writeonminooka/?ref=bookmarks. We're based in Joliet, Illinois, but we love to meet and interact with writers outside our area, too.

Books and Such

Information on my books (including where to buy) is at www.bryonyseries.com. 

Thank you for reading The Herald-News. And for reading this blog. And if you've read (or plan to read) any of my books. Your support is greatly appreciated.


Channahon teen gets extra preparation for teaching career

According to the Irish American Society of County Will website, the Irish Life Experience provides students the opportunity to live in a different cultural environment.

“I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, a trip to Ireland! How cool would that be?’” Hannah Borgra said.



An Extraordinary Life: Joliet woman gave all she had to give

"She was always very service-oriented," Elmer Geissler said of his wife Jean Geissler, one of the first women superintendents in Will County. "She wasn't one to take credit for anything at the school. 'It was always the staff,'" she said. 'I had wonderful staff.' She lived just to give back to others. That's all there was to it."

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/23/c4551c0d32eb4bc1b1c71b16ec017f85/index.xml



Oh, Baby
Lockport network offers holistic prenatal, pregnancy and postpartum care under one roof

“We share the space; we share the rent,” said Danielle Meintanis, a certified Hypnobabies hypnosis instructor. “I use it mostly on the weekend. The lactation consultant comes in a couple times a month for meetings with moms or hosting a breastfeeding support group.”

Meintanis said she’s also led meetings for mothers considering a vaginal birth after a past Cesarean section and that Cathy Smith, a certified birth doula, also has hosted a prenatal loss support group.

“We’re just trying to help,” Meintanis said. “A lot of moms out there don’t know they have options.”

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/29/4df8c12cdc464098b90d03adbba4b0d5/index.xml?page=1


Mystery Diner Paisano's in New Lenox delivers quality pizza delicious desserts

If you're into pizza, they have a $10.95 special for a large 16-inch two-topping option on Mondays and Wednesdays. Any other night, the same pizza costs $17.95.

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/29/35260f89caaa4bdead77ac7b0f235c25/index.xml


Joliet school is gone, legacy remains

In 1988, the bishop at that time transferred the pastor – who was assigned to St. Mary’s in 1955 – and closed the school.

Parishioners unsuccessfully appealed the decision all the way to Rome.

http://www.theherald-news.com/lists/2018/01/30/9ac35da5edf849b1b1223d7e1b08fcc7/index.xml


Intriguing films, thoughtful discussion
Joliet museum to host film festival for Black History Month

Each week, a different presenter will show clips from one film and lead a discussion based on those clips.



Artworks: Joliet 8th-grader holds fast to her dreams

Last year, Jessika Ortiz was one of 19 students who had a perfect score (Jessika was one of them) at the Joliet Public Schools District 86 Solo and Ensemble Performance Assessment, according to District 86.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

BryonySeries Throwback Thursday: I Am A commodity

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Am a Commodity

I didn’t say it. My publicist, Dulcinea Hawksworth, did, about me.

I argue that my writing is a commodity, and she agrees with that, but also insists that I, too, as Bryony's author, am a commodity. Because I trust Dulcinea’s judgment, that’s why I’m at the mall with my mother and my daughter Rebekah, 17, when I should be huddled under the covers nursing my cold.

They have talked me into finally using the gift card one of my older sons gave to me four Christmases ago. My throat burns, my head hurts, and my body is really aching, but my mother, armed with credit cards and coupons, is definitely on a mission, since I only do this shopping thing about once every five years (No, seriously).

My oldest daughter, Sarah, who lives out of state, is serving as consultant via cell phone cameras. Rebekah has a supply of water bottles in her purse and feeds me an occasional cough drop. My mother buys me a coffee.

I am a commodity.

In JCPenney, the racks are full of jeans with pre-made holes. Before I decide I’m in style, after all, I catch a glimpse of my image, still dressed in route clothing, as I pass a mirror. I resemble a waif from an Oliver Twist orphanage. I decide to keep my mouth shut.

I am a commodity.

I stand in front of the mirror at Christopher & Banks with an armful of clothes my entourage selected for me and repeat those words. It’s not working. I'm still not believing it. The words of the White Queen from Through the Looking Glass echo in my head.

“Try again,” I hear the White Queen say. “Draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”

Nope, I still don’t believe it, and it’s not because I haven’t had much practice, either. In a household as lively as ours, I have sometimes witnessed six impossible things before breakfast. I open the door, show off a very nice purple skirt and sweater combination and stare in horror at the khaki pants my mother is holding up.

“I can’t wear that color,” I protest. “I’ll look like I have yellow fever.”

But she pairs it with a navy blue sweater, which offsets the sallow color. The combination actually looks quite nice. It’s one of many clothing battles I will lose that day. The biggest conflict concerned the skinny-leg jeans at Carson Pirie Scott.

“My legs are too bony for these,” I said.

Rebekah and my mother look at each other and roll their eyes. “Some of us would love to have those legs,” my mother said.

“I can’t even move. I feel like I’m wrapped in cling plastic.”

“I’ll get a bigger size,” my mother said and returns with a 6.

I try them on, but they’re too baggy, so it’s back to the 4’s. Once the they’re are paired with a cream-colored turtle neck; a quilted, reversible vest; and a pair of nice, suede boots, I’m relaxed enough that I try on, for a lark, mind you, the size two leopard dress someone had abandoned in the dressing room.

My mother and Rebekah take bets on whether or not I’ll get into it. Ha! I do.
Triumphantly, I open the door. My mother looks pleased (she’s the one who found the dress), and an amazed Rebekah takes my picture with her cell phone and sends it to Sarah. Arghh! Too late!

“Did you include terms of use?”

Rebekah looks blank.

“Great. Knowing Sarah, she’ll probably post that as my new profile picture on Facebook.”

I check when I get home, to be sure, but the only thing Sarah has posted is a link to the music room on the Bryony website (http://www.bryonyseries.com/). The page looks great, and Sarah is highly pleased with her efforts. She's also had a highly productive phone consult with Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, but that's for another post.

However, I've been out way too late when I have to get up at midnight and deliver newspapers. Rebekah has offered to put away the entire wardrobe, so I drag myself up the ladder stairs to my attic office to check mail. My oldest son is gone for the night, but offered his chauffeuring assistance for the following night, after the blizzard starts, if I’m still sick.

Oh, and did I mention my mother gave Bryony’s website to every salesperson we met? So, I guess, whether or not I’m a commodity at this point is irrelevant. Right now, I’m feeling pretty blessed with my very supportive family. Even though, my mother's parting remark was, "Next, we'll have to do something about your hair!"

Not the hair!!!