Dear MOMI,
I should apologize in advance of attempting this piece to those who know better about gender than I. My understanding is prejudiced by my experience and limited perception, but I’m compelled to write. Please understand that the world has been changing faster than my reading speed, comprehension, and fossilized memory can absorb. I’m always getting confused about my identity as a vampire and a mortal man. If I’m a sixty-one-year-old mortal, my dyslexia keeps insisting that I’m sixteen and therefore, I know everything especially about gender. So with the wisdom of a teenager and the up-to-the minute understanding of nineteen seventy two, I will take my stab at the difference of male and female.
It’s all in the chromosomes really. Both men and women have the same number, but they differ in ways best explained by someone who is sixteen. There are two types of chromosomes; the ‘ex’ and the ‘why.'
Nature gives women two of the ‘ex’ chromosomes for the purpose of reproduction; that is to reproduce all the ex-lovers, ex-husbands, and ex-wives that her ancestral fathers and mothers blundered through while planting her family tree. What better way to reproduce the perils, problems, and poor judgment of mate selection, without which, the population growth would be zero. Does any girl reaching the wisdom of sixteen look upon her family history and say to herself, “Gee I want create a family just like mine?” Yet the ‘ex’ chromosome over-rides this wisdom and on the average most will have children by at least the number of ‘ex’s in her chromosome pair. Chromosomes and the resulting hormones are the reason that jerky lovers haven’t gone extinct.
That brings us to those jerky lovers and their (our) chromosomes. The ‘why’ chromosome is so powerful, you only need one to inherit the often asked question, “Why are men such jerks?” Teen wisdom might insist that not all people with an ‘ex’ and a ‘why’ can be so but ask any person with two ‘ex’s and they will insist otherwise. Can the ‘why’ chromosome be truly blamed for this? All I can say is for every jerk of a male, there was a sixteen-year-old boy who asked himself, "Why did I become such a jerk?" It’s not the men don’t have an ‘ex’ chromosome too; that acts in the same way it does in a woman, its just that the “why’ did I do that,” question overrides the ‘ex’ that we did it to. Trust me, the answer to that ‘why’ is almost always the hormones that result with the chromosome of the same. Keep in mind of course that a person can inherit the question ‘why’ without the chromosomes or hormones. Still without the ‘why’ chromosome the language to ask, ‘Why did I do that?’ would not exist.
In biology class, where politeness is accepted, the letters ‘y’ and ‘x’ are used to hide the illicit explanation. This backfired. Look at the letter ‘y’ and tell me that it doesn’t resemble something explicitly male. As for the other letter, it’s the definition of ‘x’ rated. Nonetheless, the use of letters suggest variables that further lend to illicit formulae. Consider the equation of popular male fantasy; 2x + y shared = 3 *(disappointment + different ideas about what a threesome is).
Now, one might think by this piece that the Steward of Tara would have had some bad experiences with the notion of pairing an ‘ex ex’ with a ‘why ex’. Nothing can be further from the truth. Though I have many wives, my sleeping with only one of them is machete enforced by the first wife, who only sleeps with her sexual husband (me). My ‘why’ seems to be too lazy to ask about the jerk thing (don’t try and picture that); asking instead, ‘why does she put up with me?’ Maybe its not just the ‘why’ in our relationship but it’s the three ‘ex’s. Both of us have never been divorced but have been married many times; therefore we don’t spend out ‘ex’s on ex-spouses. Where she names her husbands, e.g. Gambling husband, shopping husband…, I number them according to their significance. This means that I am always renumbering my wives, thus I get to use up my being a jerk behavior on women I’m not sleeping with. Since all my marriages are life sentences, served concurrently, I have an extra ‘ex’ to share with her. Since her marriages are also concurrent, she can use those ‘ex’s on things like ‘experts,' ‘exporters,' and ‘extraterrestrials.' Do you think her life is interesting?
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins
Ed Calkins
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