"How to Attend a Wedding When You're a Bachelor Vampire," by Thomas Meisinger

Thomas Meisinger was born, raised, and educated in Chicago's southwest suburbs. He began performing standup comedy in 2009 while in college. Meisinger said that if he had spent as much time filling out job applications as he did writing jokes during his last semester, he would probably have a better paying job.

Currently residing utterly alone in Joplin, Missouri, Meisinger has since shifted his focus to writing. He currently has three blogs (Dear Grandma Margie, Bacon, Eggs, and Whiskey, and Penguins are Pretentious), and also steps in as a guest blogger on multiple other sites.

Meisinger is the author of The World Is Shallow; That’s Why I Never Learned How to Swim, the winner of Mrs. Cavanaugh’s Second Grade Penmanship Award, and an avid collector of fake phone numbers handed to him by women in bars.

How to Attend a Wedding When You’re a Bachelor Vampire

By Thomas Meisinger

It’s summertime so you know what that means! Teenage girls are skipping the part-time job at Dairy Queen and instead fueling time machines with O-Positive blood. If you don’t have a Lincoln-Way student conspiring to keep you from going out for tea with the boys, then you will most likely be invited to a wedding and attending alone. To avoid retreating into a coffin just follow a few simple steps.

1. Stray away from day weddings. I don’t think this needs an explanation considering sunlight will burn your skin. If you absolutely must make an appearance, make sure you’re completed covered from head to toe. When someone inquires why you are fully-clothed in twenty-five degree Celsius weather, create an elaborate tale of how you were injured in the Crimean War. For example, say you were cared for by Florence Nightingale and even managed to outwit her in a game of charades. This will truly impress any Brit.

2. Don’t be an Irishman and skimp on the proper gift. It would make sense to barter for a baby crib but don’t contribute to social problems. Be unique and pay the extra wages for a chandelier. If you are experiencing financial woes, suck the blood of a rich person and steal the gold coins underneath their loom. How do I know it’s there? Why, I’ve been stealing from it for decades.

3. Keep the conversation neutral at the reception. The last thing you need to do is create quarrels at such a joyous event. To prevent duels, just lie if you are asked about your political opinion. If the wedding was held at a Roman Catholic cathedral, talk about how your father was a Tory. Do not, (and I emphasize) do not, mention or even hint at the fact you are a vampire. Remember that Tories agreed with those British ex-pat Americans and they burned anyone who even seemed a little bit special at the stake. If the ceremony is at an Anglican church, lie and say you are a Whig. It’s okay to mention you are a vampire there because it’s a little known fact that Robert Walpole enjoyed sucking blood. (Samuel Johnson was close. The first Whig wasn’t the devil, he was a vampire.)

4. Be social with the ladies. Weddings are an excellent opportunity to find a lovely dame and coincidentally your next victim. Make her swoon by quoting Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations or boasting of killing Nile Crocodiles in the Suez Canal. Sure, crocodiles don’t live in the Suez but if she doesn’t know that, she’ll also believe it’s perfectly normal you were born with abnormally large canines. If the bride can manage to sneak along friends from the twenty-first century, ask her maid of honor if she thinks Snooki and The Situation are “more than friends”.

5. Last but not least, show off your centuries of dancing experience on the ballroom floor. If they are unimpressed and don’t greet your final bow with applause, wait for the lights to dim, hold the prettiest gal in the room close, and vanish from sight.