The Play is Written

Dear Momi: (Mistress of my Immortality)

Ok, here's the scary part. This play was supposed to be four pages long, but the charactors kept banging at the keybroad and MS Word tells me its now twenty-two pages long. Much of it you'll be censoring (I'm sure), but I'm going to try and paste it now .....damn, it didn't work.

I'll try again next week. Use it anyway you wish. By the way, I'm casting now for actors/actresses for my epic alternative epilogue to Bryony:

Bullet Holes and Barbie Doll Heads: If Melissa had Married Ed Calkins Act one

Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

"The World is Mine"

I've seen this credited to several different authors, so I'm leaving the author part blank. Even if you've read this one, it's a good reminder of the blessings we so enjoy and so often forget.

Today on a bus, I saw a lovely girl with silken hair
I envied her, she seemed so gay, and I wished I was so fair
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the isle
O God, forgive me when I whine
I have two legs, the world is mine

And then I stopped to buy some sweets
The lad who sold them had such charm
I talked with him, he seemed so calm, and if I were late it would do no harm,
And as I left he said to me “I thank you, you have been so kind”
It’s nice to talk with folks like you. You see, I’m blind
O God forgive me when I whine
I have two eyes, the world is mine

Later walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue
He stood and watched the others play; it seemed he knew not what to do
I stopped a moment, then I said, why don’t you join the others dear”
He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew he could not hear
O God forgive me when I whine
I have two ears, the world is mine

With legs to take me where I’ll go
With eyes to see the sunsets glow
With ears to ear what I would know
O God forgive me when I whine
I’m blessed, indeed, the world is mine

"How to Attend a Wedding When You're a Bachelor Vampire," by Thomas Meisinger

Thomas Meisinger was born, raised, and educated in Chicago's southwest suburbs. He began performing standup comedy in 2009 while in college. Meisinger said that if he had spent as much time filling out job applications as he did writing jokes during his last semester, he would probably have a better paying job.

Currently residing utterly alone in Joplin, Missouri, Meisinger has since shifted his focus to writing. He currently has three blogs (Dear Grandma Margie, Bacon, Eggs, and Whiskey, and Penguins are Pretentious), and also steps in as a guest blogger on multiple other sites.

Meisinger is the author of The World Is Shallow; That’s Why I Never Learned How to Swim, the winner of Mrs. Cavanaugh’s Second Grade Penmanship Award, and an avid collector of fake phone numbers handed to him by women in bars.

How to Attend a Wedding When You’re a Bachelor Vampire

By Thomas Meisinger

It’s summertime so you know what that means! Teenage girls are skipping the part-time job at Dairy Queen and instead fueling time machines with O-Positive blood. If you don’t have a Lincoln-Way student conspiring to keep you from going out for tea with the boys, then you will most likely be invited to a wedding and attending alone. To avoid retreating into a coffin just follow a few simple steps.

1. Stray away from day weddings. I don’t think this needs an explanation considering sunlight will burn your skin. If you absolutely must make an appearance, make sure you’re completed covered from head to toe. When someone inquires why you are fully-clothed in twenty-five degree Celsius weather, create an elaborate tale of how you were injured in the Crimean War. For example, say you were cared for by Florence Nightingale and even managed to outwit her in a game of charades. This will truly impress any Brit.

2. Don’t be an Irishman and skimp on the proper gift. It would make sense to barter for a baby crib but don’t contribute to social problems. Be unique and pay the extra wages for a chandelier. If you are experiencing financial woes, suck the blood of a rich person and steal the gold coins underneath their loom. How do I know it’s there? Why, I’ve been stealing from it for decades.

3. Keep the conversation neutral at the reception. The last thing you need to do is create quarrels at such a joyous event. To prevent duels, just lie if you are asked about your political opinion. If the wedding was held at a Roman Catholic cathedral, talk about how your father was a Tory. Do not, (and I emphasize) do not, mention or even hint at the fact you are a vampire. Remember that Tories agreed with those British ex-pat Americans and they burned anyone who even seemed a little bit special at the stake. If the ceremony is at an Anglican church, lie and say you are a Whig. It’s okay to mention you are a vampire there because it’s a little known fact that Robert Walpole enjoyed sucking blood. (Samuel Johnson was close. The first Whig wasn’t the devil, he was a vampire.)

4. Be social with the ladies. Weddings are an excellent opportunity to find a lovely dame and coincidentally your next victim. Make her swoon by quoting Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations or boasting of killing Nile Crocodiles in the Suez Canal. Sure, crocodiles don’t live in the Suez but if she doesn’t know that, she’ll also believe it’s perfectly normal you were born with abnormally large canines. If the bride can manage to sneak along friends from the twenty-first century, ask her maid of honor if she thinks Snooki and The Situation are “more than friends”.

5. Last but not least, show off your centuries of dancing experience on the ballroom floor. If they are unimpressed and don’t greet your final bow with applause, wait for the lights to dim, hold the prettiest gal in the room close, and vanish from sight.

Song #1 Romantic Piano and Flute - "A Dream Within A Dream" by James Onohan

Dress Like Melissa

Although Bryony contains a few descriptions of how Melissa and her friends dressed in 1975--with the exception of Kimberly, this was mostly jeans, T-shirts, and sweaters--the book gives much more attention to Victorian fashion. Since the story is told through Melissa's perspective, she naturally is more aware of the unusual clothing than her everyday wear.

However, especially for the younger reader, if you're curious about what else teen '70's girls (and boys) wore, check out this link.

www.thepeoplehistory.com/1970skidsfashion.html

The Cool Writing Project Over This Weekend

My primary care physician called me out of the blue Friday afternoon and asked if I had a minute. My mind immediately raced through days, weeks, children, etc, trying to remember if any of us had any unresolved lab work or other tests that might have elicited this phone call.

But she quickly assured me that this was not an emergency. Rather, she wanted to know if I would write a letter to an adult son for her. It was his birthday, and a family member whom both had admired had recently died. She wanted to share with her son how much this person had inspired and empowered her, too, only she couldn't translate her feelings into words. Could I come to her office that afternoon?

"That would a make a nice birthday present for him, don't you think?" she had asked.

Not knowing her son or her relationship with him, I could only speculate, but it certainly sounded like a fine present to me. Now, I was hoping to finish this latest round of editing Visage this weekend, yet, of course, I would meet with her, since she had given so freely of her time to me, not quite two years ago, when I was in the midst of a medical crisis.

And so I sat with her and typed notes as she grieved and reminisced. Then I went home and took all evening organizing and arranging pages of random thoughts into logical points. I spent my Saturday morning writing and rewriting the letter, using as much of her vocabulary as possible, until I could hear her Polish accent in my ears. I never wanted her son to doubt that she did not write the letter because, in my mind, she had. Every sentiment had poured directly from her heart.

I returned to her office Saturday afternoon. She loved the letter! She did ask if I could include additional detail into some of her memories, which I did that night, along with, instead of treating the commemoration as a mere letter, adding a title, as well.

By the time I left her office, she was already wondering if her son would mind if she could frame it and hang it in her waiting area so everyone could it it. Oh, and when her eight-year-old daughter entered the room, she introduced me as a famous writer and showed her a copy of Bryony.

Yes, she compensated me for the job, but that isn't why this particular assignment thrilled me. I cannot begin to express the humbling honor of sharing a piece of someone's family history, from a mother to a son and as that mother to her son, in a very intimate and personal way. For her to open up in that fashion implied a high confidence and trust in my abilities and discretion.

Definitely, this was one heck of a way to end a grueling week.

Ludovico Einaudi - Oltremare

Ed Calkins is Re-Writing "Bryony" Epilogue...and He's Sharing Very Little

LOL ROTF and laughing alot....I'm having TOO much fun with this. Four pages, and the charactors aren't all introduced.

I will give you the title now: Bullet Holes and Barbie Doll Heads: What Would Have Happened IF Melissa Married Ed Calkins.

BTW, Denise, I do REALLY like Melissa, but you killed off my favorite minor character...she's coming back to haunt you....

"A Spark Neglected Burns the House," by Leo Tolstoy

What does it matter who begins an argument? Quickly extinguish it, and make peace with brother lest something worse befall you.

Don't believe me? Read below. Gosh, I love Tolstoy!

www.online-literature.com/tolstoy/2890/

Carbonated Drinks of the Victorian Era

Long before the Pepsi generation, there were homemade Effervescing Fruit Drinks, as described in the 1860 Miss Beecher's domestic receiptbook: designed as a supplement to her Treatise on domestic economy.

If you're wondering what cold drinks Munsonvillers in Bryony's time enjoy, read below:

                   Effervescing Fruit Drinks

Very fine drinks for summer are prepared by putting strawberries, raspberries, or blackberries into good vinegar and then straining it off and adding a new supply of fruit until enough flavor is secured. Keep the vinegar bottled. Dissolve half a teaspoonful or less of saleratus, or soda, in a tumbler with very little water until all the lumps are out. Then fill the tumbler two-thirds full of water and then add the fruit vinegar. If several are to drink, put the soda, or saleratus, into the pitcher, and then put the fruit vinegar into each tumbler, and pour the alkali water from the pitcher into each tumbler, as each person is ready to drink it, as delay spoils it.

James Onohan's Performance at Arts Festival

1979 Colonel Sanders Interview

Cost of Living in 1975 and Other Fun Facts

Was the cost of living ever really that much simpler and cheaper for Melissa Marchellis' family than it is for us today? Check out these figures and then decide:

Average Cost of new house : $39,300.00
Average Income per year: $14,100.00
Average Monthly Rent:   $200.00
Cost of a gallon of Gas:   44 cents
Average cost new car: $4,250.00
Foster Grant Sun Glasses:   $5.00

From www.thepeoplehistory.com/1975.html

Marco Borsato - Vaderdag (Father's Day) (Piano Solo Arr.)

The Irish Brigade - A Fathers Blessing (Live)

"Snow White and Rose Red"

Yes, it's a Grimm Brothers fairy tale. It's not quite as well-known as other popular tales, such as "Hansel and Gretel," "The Bremen Town Musicians," or "Rapunzel," but it is one of my favorites, nevertheless.

I remember when I first read it, in a book of fairy tales from the library. It was the day after Christmas, and I remember this because it was our traditional day to visit the eye doctor (in fact, we as a family, still belong to the same practice, except now our ophthalmologist is now the son of our former doctor).

At any rate, it was a busy practice, and we could anticipate spending several hours there, from waiting, to dilation, to exam, to the eye glass shop, so my sister and I were certain to bring plenty of reading material.

Not sure why, but this story mesmerized me to the point that I wished I had been born Rose Red! Perhaps a combination of elements were attractive: the mysterious, potentially dangerous, stranger; the dark, snowy night; the magic and secret lurking underneath the exterior; and the scary, demon-like dwarf.

So, for those who have not read it, I bring you "Snow White and Rose Red." For those of you have, happy reminiscing!

http://www.authorama.com/grimms-fairy-tales-63.html

Trezevant PARTAY presents Billboards Number 1 Songs - 1975

Midnight Enchantment- New Original Piano by James Onohan

Writers Block Unblocked

I've had a stretch of writer's block that has lasted several weeks. No, I haven't forsaken writing, since it's my job, and yes, I'm still editing Visage.

Nevertheless, pounding out those sublime words and phrases has been especially challenging, and I'm not even certain why. In the past, a simple re-reading of my notes would be sufficient to pour the feature story or press release onto the page; a simple envisioning of Bryony's storyline could thrust me into Munsonville in a second's notice, and I'd happily hang about there for days and months at a time.

Lately, though all that composing and editing has been more chore than joy. Too often I stare at blank "new document;" Munsonville seemed as remote as Bouvet Island. Maybe, I wondered, I'd been writing so much, I'd used up every word combination my brain could muster.

Then, on Sunday evening, the fog lifted, the cloud passed, and my muse, which apparently had taken an extended vacation, returned, all refreshed, renewed, and ready for work.

God, I love my job! :)

Buy "Bryony;" Help Haiti orphans

This Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. and Saturday from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., Bryony will be at Judson Memorial Baptist Church, 2800 Black Road, Joliet, as part of Mike Tackebury's giant garage sale to help Haiti orphans.

For the last two years, Mike, the father of seven children, has hosted a garage sale of donated items at his home to help children orphaned by the Haiti earthquake of 2010. The event has been so successful, it has outgrown his garage.

Mike's goal is $10,000 and to jumpstart that amount, Mike hosted a Battle of the Bands fundraiser in April. Thanks to an invitation to Mike to come out with Bryony, 10 percent of all Bryony book sales that day will be donated back to Mike's cause.

If you haven't bought a copy of Bryony yet, if you know someone who likes a gothic vampire story, or even if you'd just like to help out an orphan or two, this weekend is a perfect opportunity to purchase the novel...and to obtain some deals on a variety of other terrific merchandise, too.

Questions about the event? The story links below provide plenty of background information. You may also message me at bryonyseries@gmail.com.

Hope to see you there!


Joliet man's garage sale to aid Haiti orphans

http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/photos/galleries/index.html?story=5203616

Joliet man's garage sale aids Haiti orphans

http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/6138109-423/joliet-mans-garage-sale-aids-haitian-orphans.html

Battle of the bands to help Haiti
http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/lifestyles/11557948-423/battle-of-the-bands-to-help-haiti.html

Broken Wings - Beautiful Piano Music

On Becoming An Ed Calkins Wife, Part 3

There exists a confusion about age limits for wives of Ed Calkins. After all, did I not put the minuim age of thirty-one in my last post?

Understand, though, that age is as relative as time. When I was sixteen, I did not require a prospective bride to be thirty-one. So, too, if a woman who was quite young had met me in the nineteenth century, such as Byrony/Melissa had, I would not be so dismissive as if I had met the same woman/girl in the present.

However, in the book, Byrony/Melissa did not agree to marriage (thus forever changing the ending). I'm sure you're thinking Bryony's current marriage prohibited it. This is simply incorrect.

Wife number one has three husbands other then me: one for gambling, one for gossip, and one for shopping and drinking. Should she decide to aquire other vices, say comic books, I'm sure she'll find a husband for that.


Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

"Three Days to See," by Helen Keller

When Daniel and I read this piece the other day, it prompted a discussion of, if we could only keep one of our five senses, which one would it be?

Although I would hate to lose the others, for me, I would retain sight. With sight, I could see the people I love, not just their faces, but all the nuaces of emotional expression, which loss of sight would blunt, and communicate with them by written word.

Telephone interviews would disappear, but I've done the same via email (for people who need flexible schedules, or, in the case of one man who'd lost his larynx to cancer, were unable to speak). Either way, I think many of us undervalue the blessing of the sensory experience.

Last night at the Three Rivers Arts Council's WriteOn writer's group, we talked about the importance of awakening those senses in our writings. It's an awesome thing to induce mental images, scents, tastes, sounds, and touches through printed words only.

In the selection below, Helen Keller, blind, deaf, and mute from the age of nineteen months, shares how she would use her gift if fate granted her the ability to see for just three days.

www.theatlantic.com/past/docs/issues/33jan/keller.htm

DARK SHADOWS (1991, Revival) : "The Movie" Teaser Trailer

Song #11 - Wedding Song First Dance - "To Say I Do" by James Onohan

Turtle Burgers Photos

Turtle Burgers

Over the weekend, my two daughters posted pictures on Facebook of the turtle burgers they had prepared, and it got me thinking.

My youngest daughter, Rebekah Baran, Bryony's online assistant, is spending a few weeks with her older sister, Sarah Stegall, Bryony's online administrator, who is a a highly adventurous cook and eater (Rebekah is not).

So when I saw "turtle burgers," I naturally thought they had cooked burgers made from turtle meat, and I could just imagine Rebekah's reaction. When I saw from the photos how tasty they looked, I became obsessed with having turtle burgers for dinner.

Last night, my two youngest sons, chef-in-training Timothy Baran and Daniel Baran, prepared a large batch. Warning: these are large, so it's genereally impossible to eat an entire one (Timothy and I split a burger). My oldest son, Christopher Baran of Channahon Computer Repair (www.channahonpcrepair.com), however, at two.

The recipe is below. Pictures following later (if I can get one of the girls to post them).

Turtle Burgers:

5 lbs of 75/25 hamburger
Bread crumbs (optional) for binding
2 pounds hot dogs
1 pound Cheddar cheese, thinly sliced
1 pound bacon

Mix optional bread crumbs into meat and form hamburger into oval shapes. Top half of the ovals with cheese slices and cap with another oval; pinch to close. Make 4 holes in the corners for legs and 1 on each end for the head and tail. Slice hot dogs in half and the cut the tips to simulate toes; insert into corner holes. Slide hot dog slices into end holes for head and tail. Crisscross bacon strips on top of the hamburgers to resemble a turtle shell. Heat oven to 400 degrees and cook until meat thermometer reads 165.

Bon appetit!

Can You Imagine This On Snowbell?

Just sayin!

www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/03/cat-cams-what-do-cats-do-_n_379127.html

5 Piano Recital - Pomp and Circumstance

On Becoming an Ed Calkins Wife, Part 2

Waitresses are always welcome as wives of Ed Calkins, but they must actually wait on me! Also, one of my other wives has to be present. This is a new rule introduced by Debbie Blond (actual name Debbie Brown (remember her)) who objected to being bumped from wife number six back to wife seven without once meeting her competition. More on that later.

Understand that I quit writing marriage proposals on dollar bills years ago. I learned that it is impolite (and illegal) to deface currency. It’s also hard to read, "Will you marry me?" scrawled on a bill. Furthermore some women receive so many such messages that they get confused as to who it was that gave them the dollar bill. They tend to assume what they want to assume. (Why did you think Donald Trump has been married so many times?) Besides that, it’s tacky, making it seem like the bill is a bride for a “Yes.” But mostly it’s because I've simply run out of them.

This might surprise your readers considering I enjoy the financial compensation of a paperboy, but even an ocean can run out of water. (If I had a dollar for every girl I asked to marry before asking actually worked, maybe I'd still live in Tara this day (although the place needs rebuilding but you get the idea)).

By the time I met my first wife (the only one I actually sleep with (more on that)), I couldn't afford a dollar, so I bought her a vending machine cup of coffee (true story). But the buying of the coffee left me unable to afford a pencil to write “Will you marry me?” on it. I did ask her verbally, but you know how people forget things that aren't written down. (Hence route lists)

It cost me three years of awkward dating waiting for the answer to a question she'd forgotten. Finally, when I got the notion to bring the subject up again, she said "Marriage uh? Interesting... You have to prove your courage first. Ask my Daddy.”

To my surprise, her father was quite nice to me saying, "If you don't let the band play the chicken dance at the reception, you can marry my other two daughters as well.” With that promise sealed with a handshake, I thought my harem was finally on its way. The problem is; he never told his daughters about this arrangement. It’s been a tad awkward with wives two and three ever since.

I realize that this account of my first wife differs from the one in the book, but that shouldn't trouble your readers. A good myth should always have competing versions lest they both versions get lazy and stop embellishing.

BTW if anyone has a dollar bill from Ed Calkins with "Will you marry me?” written on it, and you wish to redeem it, consider yourself married. (Just let me know so I can update my spreadsheet.)

If instead you wish know the value of this testament to history, my appraisers advise me that you should spend the dollar. (I say, just give the dollar to a girlfriend less attractive than you. Thus, she will be more likely to say, “Yes.” That’s because I realized I'd never get as many wives as Ramsis III if I didn’t make proposals transferable.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara

"Man Without a Country," by Edward Everett Hale

Earlier in the week, I read this story, first published in the Atlantic Monthly in 1863, with my sixteen-year-old son, and, of all my children, Daniel is the only one who just slowly, at best, warmed up to this longish piece of fiction.

Synopsis: An idealistic protege of Aaron Burr damns his country and his condemned to spend the rest of his life at sea, never hearing or seeing anything about the United States ever again. It spurred a television movie in the 1970's that many people thought was based on a true story (It's not) and sparked an outrage on talk radios the following day.

While Daniel and I read it, we discussed other topics, such as the treason charges against Aaron Burr and post-mortem photography. Mostly, we discussed how the consequences of rash talk or behavior is sometimes only known in the years and decades that follow an impetuous decision.

Give yourself a good hour, at least, to get through this one.

www.bartleby.com/310/6/1.html