My Calkins Day Address: An Open Letter to Egypt

In Bryony, Melissa meets Ireland's first official vampire, Ed Calkins. When he was alive, Ed had created an alter ego for himself, "The Steward of Tara," also known as a "ruthless dictator" who had conquered nations through insulting limericks.

Now that he is dead, Ed's imagination has no boundaries, so he freely pretends he is living the delusion. As a vampire, Ed is convinced intimidation comes not through threat of attack, but with insults. He also wholeheartedly believes true greatness rests in being Irish.

Throughout the books that comprise the Bryony series, Ed promotes that his birthday--today, February 13--should be celebrated as a national holiday with a parade, and in Bryony, Ed refers to a petition he is circulating to accomplish it.

In Bryony and in "real" life (for Ed Calkins is a real person, fictionlized twice over for Bryony), Ed works in a warehouse that distributes newspapers. In both cases, Ed accomplishes his dreams of Calkins Day glory by riding a pallet jack and tossing out handfuls of candy.

Tomorrow, I will give my reasons why I agree with Ed that Calkins Day should be a national holiday, and those reasons have nothing to do with ruthlessness, insulting verse, or honoring verbal bullies.

Here is Ed's "address," declining an "invitation" to rule Egypt. To learn more about Ed Calkins, visit Bryony's website at http://www.bryonyseries.com/ and click the link, "The Steward of Tara."


Dearest, Noble, and Grateful Egyptian Protesters,

Amidst the joyous celebrations commemorating Calkins Day, I must strike a note of regret, and decline your offer to become ruthless dictator of Egypt. Now, I wish in no way to imply that your country lacks greatness.

We of direct Irish descent have always felt a fondness for the inventors of beer. We further appreciated how your country embraced a religion that restricted its consumption to ensure a healthy supply for us true Irishmen around the world.

It was that respect, not any thought of reward or praise for myself, that prompted me to respond to your clandestine pleas for the composition of a limerick that would drive Mubarak from power. I was delighted that the objective was achieved so close to Calkins Day.

Still, I must decline your offer, as ruling Egypt would detract from my efforts towards stewardship of Tara, the striving for world peace, and my continued researching of world domination. A dictatorship such as mine might my last for fifty years or more, which could seriously limit my other efforts. Nor could I accept the billions of dollars you would be compelled to send me as compensation for my rule and wisdom.

I will always stand ready to assist Egypt or any other nation looking to replace their current dictator with a ruthless one. Together you and I (though mostly I), can show the world how powerful the threat of insults or poor opinion can work to right an undesirable situation and how war is best fought by people or nations who don't know how to compose insulting poetry.

Be not downcast on this day of victory for I will always lend my advice to your cause. Remember it shall always remain our secret that the greatest pharaohs in your country were actually Irish. In such a way we should always be as big brother to brother. On this Calkins Day, remember greatness comes not from money or weapons, but really great literature.

Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins