While Ed Calkins and his real wife Nancy Calkins are catching up on real socialization, I decided to run one of Ed's old blog posts.
For people new to the blog, Ed Calkins is a former supervisor of mine whom I legally fictionalized in the BryonySeries, which was easy to do because he had already fictionalized himself at work.
He called himself a "ruthless dictator" and the "Steward of Tara" - with a goal of having more wives than King Solomon (except Ed's harem is a verbal harem only).
"You only verbally agree to join my harem," Ed tells Melissa in "Bryony." "This way, I make wives left and right.”
I added the undead part, making Ed the first and only official Irish vampire in th world, since Ireland does not have any official vampire lore of its own.
Ed recently published Ruthless, which is the first novel in the BryonySeries that was not written by me.
Because Ed the character and Ed the person is considered an unreliable narrator (as this post will show), he has boundless freedom to bend the characters and plots in the BryonySeries to create his own stories.
He also wrote my Irish back story (I am not Irish), a collection of humorous essays about my ancestry.
Needless to say, I have a lot of respect for Nancy. As she's told me many times, she has to live with him!
Enjoy!
Saturday,
May 5, 2012
On
Becoming an Ed Calkins Wife, Part 1
By
Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara
On
this topic of qualifications for wives of Ed Calkins, understand that one must
actually meet Ed Calkins in person (unless, of course, you're holding one of my
famous dollar bills; more on this later. Or maybe you'd consider sending it
back as a gift to your new hubby? If one percent responds to that favorably,
I'm buying a new car (matchbox)).
Meeting
me in person is actually quite a task because I'm quite reclusive. This may
surprise anyone that has actually seen me in person, but it's true. You see, I
enjoy my little delusions very much and find the easiest way to confirm them is
to avoid any evidence to the contrary. This means avoiding people.
Yes,
I know there's always simple denial, but that takes out all the energy for
ruling my fantastical realm. In fact, it's because I'm so much of a hermit that
normally, when I do get out, I have a lot of pent up socialization to unleash.
Still,
it’s actually quite difficult to get me out of my little man cave. I have a
standing date with wives one, two, and four every Friday at five o'clock, but
it usually takes three or four phone calls to get me there by six (true story,
all of it).
Another
qualification is age. A prospective wife must be reasonably mature. Now, I know
you Tilted Kilt girls are going to claim being "mature for your age,"
but that isn't helpful at all. The legal age for drinking and adulthood might
be twenty-one, but if you're only thirty-one and trying to marry Ed Calkins,
you better look awfully old for your age. Even those women under forty-one
might get adopted instead of married.
What's
the difference? The later might get a rose the day after Calkins Day, the
former gets a Barbie doll around Christmas (if you're good).
More
later.
Ruthlessly
yours,
Ed
Calkins, Steward of Tara
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