From: Irving Wellington Tinker (Mrs.)
Dear Mr. Sir Chook,
From: Brigadier-General Mortimer “Ol’ Jaundiced” Shepstone
Dear Sir,
The British Empire was founded on three things: colonialism, the spinning-jenny, and weak tea. Now it seems ready to be torn down by three things: immorality, tandem bicycles, and plums. I didn’t lose both my legs fighting for Queen and country in the Bovril War so that upstart youths (the criminal classes, I call them) could laugh at me in the street and throw stones at my improbably tall hat. It’s all the fault of those Aesthetes, I tell you – they’re a pack of buggers and Red Anarchists to boot. What’s a good Tory to do?
From: Mr Gregory Allegory
Dear Sir,
I am a humble though sound-minded tradesman who, through unhappy accident, found himself destitute in London with no resources bar a bank-note for one million pounds. My not insignificant natural skills and talents proved useless in securing me work or accommodation, but the bank-note, despite its obvious impracticality for making any actual purchase, has secured me a comfortable lifestyle and as many fairweather friends as you care to name. I thus write to you to ask – does a red cravat go with a grey frock-suit?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sir Frederick Chook is a foppish, transcendentalistic historian who lives variously by his wits, hand to mouth, la vie bohème, and in Melbourne with his wife, Lady Tanah Merah.
How do you do? My husband and I are eager to improve our
station in life, and so to avoid embarrassment, we turn to you for advice. We
of course attend numerous charity events (confidentially, the cost has proved
ruinous) but we remain confused: when “White Tie” is mentioned on an invitation
to a charitable ball, is it simply a phrase or must my husband actually wear a
white tie with his best tartan suit?
Sir Frederick replies: Yes, I’m afraid he must. Don’t forget
that a formal event demands a feather in one’s hat!
From: Brigadier-General Mortimer “Ol’ Jaundiced” Shepstone
Dear Sir,
The British Empire was founded on three things: colonialism, the spinning-jenny, and weak tea. Now it seems ready to be torn down by three things: immorality, tandem bicycles, and plums. I didn’t lose both my legs fighting for Queen and country in the Bovril War so that upstart youths (the criminal classes, I call them) could laugh at me in the street and throw stones at my improbably tall hat. It’s all the fault of those Aesthetes, I tell you – they’re a pack of buggers and Red Anarchists to boot. What’s a good Tory to do?
Sir Frederick replies: Have you considered Dandyism?
From: Mr Gregory Allegory
Dear Sir,
I am a humble though sound-minded tradesman who, through unhappy accident, found himself destitute in London with no resources bar a bank-note for one million pounds. My not insignificant natural skills and talents proved useless in securing me work or accommodation, but the bank-note, despite its obvious impracticality for making any actual purchase, has secured me a comfortable lifestyle and as many fairweather friends as you care to name. I thus write to you to ask – does a red cravat go with a grey frock-suit?
Sir Frederick replies: A fall from grace is inevitable, in
order to fully illustrate society’s reverence of price over value. Fasten your
wardrobe with a secure padlock until your good name has been restored – if your
tailor tries to remove anything, shoot him (avoid the hands).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sir Frederick Chook is a foppish, transcendentalistic historian who lives variously by his wits, hand to mouth, la vie bohème, and in Melbourne with his wife, Lady Tanah Merah.
When not reading Milton and eating Stilton, he writes,
ponders, models, delves into dusty archives, and gads about town. He has
dabbled in student radio and in national politics, and is presently studying
the ways of the shirt-sleeved archivist. He is a longhair, aspiring to one day
be a greybeard. He has, once or twice, been described as “as mad as a bicycle.”
FrillyShirt is a compilation of articles, essays, reviews,
photographs, artworks, question-and-answers, promotions, travelogues,
diatribes, spirit journeys, cartoons, ululations and celebrations by Sir
Frederick, his friends and contributing readers. Irregularly regular features
include Teacup in a Storm, an etiquette column, and How to be Lovely, advanced
speculations on the aesthetics of the self.
Other topics that pop up include fun things in and around
Melbourne, art, nature, history, politics and schnauzers. Sir Frederick’s
favorite color is all of them. Enjoy his writing? Have a query for “Storm in a
Teacup?” Drop him a telegram at fredchook@frillyshirt.org.
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