From Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara
Dear MOMI: (Mistress of My Immortality)
I regreat to inform you that I am going to write a screenplay on how Byrony's epilogue would have played out had Ed Calkins become Melissa's second husband.
Yes, I know you don't like this. No author does.
I also know you are thinking there are copyright laws and lawyers to protect you from this revisionism, but I fear your thinking is short-sighted. If you doubt this, consider the differing Bibles. (Even God has that problem)
As I've reminded you many times, I am an Irishman, and, therefore, it's my job to make myth, even if I have to steal it from fiction. Moreover, I must explain the benefits/responsiblities of becoming a wife of Ed Calkins in advance of your soon-to-be-written (I know you're planning it, so don't deny it) book, Great Women:The Wives of Ed Calkins.
I'm fearful that, a thousand years from now, without my screenplay, women will try to marry me posthumously (which might make your Great Women book seem fraudulent.). So, I'm stealing from you for your own benefit.
Image the joy of that future achiligist (too lazy to get the spelling right) to find that, not only was he a real person, but that he told the story differently. I'm afraid that after this happens the debate will switch to "Was Denise Baran-Unland a real person, and, if so, why did she lie so much?"
Dear MOMI: (Mistress of My Immortality)
I regreat to inform you that I am going to write a screenplay on how Byrony's epilogue would have played out had Ed Calkins become Melissa's second husband.
Yes, I know you don't like this. No author does.
I also know you are thinking there are copyright laws and lawyers to protect you from this revisionism, but I fear your thinking is short-sighted. If you doubt this, consider the differing Bibles. (Even God has that problem)
As I've reminded you many times, I am an Irishman, and, therefore, it's my job to make myth, even if I have to steal it from fiction. Moreover, I must explain the benefits/responsiblities of becoming a wife of Ed Calkins in advance of your soon-to-be-written (I know you're planning it, so don't deny it) book, Great Women:The Wives of Ed Calkins.
I'm fearful that, a thousand years from now, without my screenplay, women will try to marry me posthumously (which might make your Great Women book seem fraudulent.). So, I'm stealing from you for your own benefit.
I shall write this screenplay and have it buried in my coffin when I die. One thousand years after my death, when the Byrony series is part of the lore of ancient America, my grave shall be discovered and exhumed in hopes of answering one of the most debaded subjects of future ancient history, one that's already begining to get asked today: Is/Was Ed Calkins a real person?
Image the joy of that future achiligist (too lazy to get the spelling right) to find that, not only was he a real person, but that he told the story differently. I'm afraid that after this happens the debate will switch to "Was Denise Baran-Unland a real person, and, if so, why did she lie so much?"
I do regret the damage this will do to your reputation. Still, the future is not engraved in stone. Perhaps I can help by composing a limerick claiming that you are a beloved myth. I will also give you a preview of this play a thousand years in advance of its release, which should give you time to prepare a response.
Also, I'm informing you before I write it, so that you can beg me not to do it.
Really sorry, but this is for the benefit of mankind.
Ed Calkins
1 comment:
Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, sent this to me:
LOL ROTF and laughing alot....I'm having TOO much fun with this. Four pages and the charactors aren't all introduced. I will give you the title now "Bullet Holes and Barbie Doll Heads: What Would Have Happened IF Melissa Married Ed Calkins" BTW, I do REALLY like Melissa, but you killed off my favorite minor Char....she's coming back to haunt you...
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