An Irish Vampire Speaks Out about COVID-19

Dear MOMI,


The COVID-19 break out has a crazy vampire thinking he is saner than the world he lives in. The virus has been hell on the living and undead alike.

              
I’ve been trying to do my part. I heard the Red Cross needed blood, so I made an appointment to donate. What I didn’t expect is they were only interested in the blood inside of me, not inside my refrigerator. Such misunderstanding between the undead and its prey come in clearer light in this time.

              
So I made a suggestion that has not been well received. Wouldn’t it be better if COVID-19 positive vampires only bit victims with the disease? A simple tattoo would across the jugular vein could slow down the spread. 

Failing in that, victim and vampire could inform each other of their COVID-19 status before the neck biting begins. If they match, the usual business may resume; if not, the two could agree to meet at the same time two weeks in the future.

Can you believe it? I’m an essential worker…and I thought I was only a paper boy. After years of being told by my bosses, that if it wasn’t for the high cost of bananas, they could get a better job done by replacing me with a stupid monkey (not just any monkey but a tupid one), I'm now essential. For the same number of years, subscribers have reminded me that they did my job better when they were in grade school; now they thank me.

              
How different life is now than it was a year ago in the United States.

              
The other day I was waiting in line at the bank, six feet away from where two men wearing masks were having a hard time expressing themselves to the baffled teller. The pair showed her their guns and demanded money. She must have taken them for angry, law-abiding citizens, as they were dressed as the government mandated, and assured the pair that their stimulus check was in the mail.

Getting nowhere, one of the men shouted at her, “We’re bank robbers! Give us the money!”

“Ah, you’re self-employed,” she concluded. “Why didn’t you say so.”

The teller just gave them a knowing nod, left the cage, and returned with a ‘Paycheck Guarantee’ application for small businesses. The men calmed down a little when the teller told them they could qualify for ten grand each, but the size of the form made them nervous. 

The polite teller told them to “chill out," as she would help them through the process. I’m not familiar with today’s slang, but apparently "chill out" means smoke a joint, as the robbers lit one up and shared with the teller and everyone still waiting in line.

Finally, the police came, just as the bank robbers were endorsing their checks. The police saw the guns, noted the masks, smelled the pot, but could do nothing as the pair had not broken any laws. 

But before the police could leave, the teller shouted out. “Stop those men, their checks bounced.” 
Yes, the Paycheck guarantee act had run out of money. Passing bad checks might still be illegal but the police still couldn’t arrest the men. 

After a long discussion while passing a joint throughout the bank, the police admitted that there was no room in the lock up to hold anyone, as people have been accusing themselves of imaginary crimes to escape their children and spouses.

              
“Look, just come back here in six months and we’ll straighten it all out then,” the wise cop offered. “Where did you buy the pot? Not bad.”

              
So everyone left stoned, broke, and six feet apart.

              
I hope in six months we can go back, and everything will be straighten out. Stay ruthlessly safe.

                                                                        

Ruthlessly yours,

                                                                       
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara