Ed Calkins on Steampunk

Dear MOMI,

Thereis something else I need to sound out about. If I am a vampire then as IVA (Irish Vampire Association) spokesman, I should sound off about the trouble humanity caused by waiting till Queen Victoria for steampunk. I will explain.

              With the invention of the steam engine eminent, there was a sense that any future advances in technology were possible with the right combinations of steam, helium, and gears. Science-fiction of that era literally took off like a helium balloon. Suddenly, anything seemed possible as gear-driven steam robots covered the earth as helium art craft ruled both sky and space. The machines that could be conceived of seemed limited only be imagination.

              Naturally, the IVA saw steampunk coming and got copyrights to steam, helium, and gears as soon as steampunk seemed possible. Rushing to the Queen, the IVA convinced her that if a method of boiling water till it smoked out of a cup ever proved useful, the usefulness should be paid by coin to the IVA. The usefulness of a gas that caused high voices and little wheels that interlocked seemed unlikely to have the value that the IVA paid for in gold as well, so the Queen issued the first, second, and third patent in history.

              If that Queen had been Victoria, we would be quite rich, but as always, what tripped us up was we were too wise too early. The patent was issued by Cleopatra, on a scroll in the language of Imperial Rome know as classical Latin. The IVA gleefully started counting future profit. Rome had reached the height of technology as seemed bound to take it to the next level. The Queen’s sexual advances on the most powerful man in Rome made her legacy and thus our patent to be enshrined into the largest empire the world had ever know.

              Alas, it would never be. While Rome science decided that they already knew everything, Julius Caesar met daggers, Cleopatra met a snake, and steampunk was put on hold in favor or the Dark Ages. 1700 years would pass till steampunk would introduce itself. Naturally we still have the paperwork, and Latin was still taught, but by the time we could get to the palace, the combustion engine superseded anything steampunk could create.

                                                                                               Ruthlessly yours, 

                                                                             Ed Calkins