Dear MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality):
I'm sure you're both surprised and hurt by the fact that you
were passed over in the papal election. Let me explain as few men could.
My sources tell me that once all the cardinals were secured
in that ancient chapel, the word went out that the safest choice for Pope was a
Orthodox female author and writer of African decent. Opposition to this breach
of tradition was quickly squashed, but the word then went out that this woman
(you, MOMI) was from South Africa.
Most unfortunately, it was known by the geographically savy
cardinals that such a woman was likely Zulu, which even geographically ignorant
cardinals would know well that Zulu women, even those who convert to
Catholicism, consider it unvirtuous to cover thier breasts.
They would not think this if they only remembered that the
College of Cardinals ferociously debated its acceptability within the Christian
faith. In a (rare) progressive spirit, the college agreed that such omission of
a top, in the climate of the culture, was neither unmodest nor unwarrantly
seductive.
However in the conclave, just the notion of a female,
topless Pope induced several heart attacks. The lone cardinal cardiologist went
into overdrive following this rumor. Soon, just the mention of Africa was
producing near fatal elevations in blood pressure among the more imaginative.
Within an hour, a consenus formed that perhaps it was more
dangerous to expect such, well, easily excitable elderly men to embrace a
topless Pope (so to speak) then it was to slight the will of the IVA. It was
under the threat of heart attacjs that a more traditional, conservative (one
not resembling a Zulu woman) was hastily elected. I'm afraid Rome is not
prepared for a change in the costume of its head bishop.
If it makes you feel better, Las Vegas had a different
reaction to the idea. This devolpment leaves your rejection of my marriage
proposal still unresolved. Would you consider becoming a nun?
P.S. This whole thing could have been avoided had you made
the trip to Rome, signed an affidavit stating you do not view wearing a top as
a vice, and threatened the cardinals with a limerick if they didn't vote our
way.
Yours ruthlessly,
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara
O Steward:
The cardinals were misinformed and made a rash judgment call
based on outdated information.
I was a breastfeeding mom for sixteen years. If they had
observed the photographs more closely, they would have noted a child in the act
of feeding. All of the children are now weaned, given the fact their age ranges
are from 31 to 17, so no more public baring of breasts.
MOMI
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