Throwback Thursday: New Life From Ashes

First published Sunday, August 29, 2010

New Life From Ashes

For years, despite a daily midnight (or earlier) rising time, we actively belonged to a church nearly 50 miles away from home. Often, we imported two vans full of people. Parish life and newspaper delivery consumed us on Sundays.

Once deliveries were completed, we made the rounds of picking up people. Most were members of the church youth group we oversaw. No two kids lived in the same town. Eastern Orthodox services last ninety minutes, minimum. Following that was additional services, Sunday School, and fellowship. By the time we returned each child to his front porch, it was close to bedtime.

Last year, for many reasons, that Sunday routine fell apart. Church attendance was sporadic at best. Running a caravan became impossible. We muddled through a spiritual wilderness that seemed to have no end.

Then, in the middle of the flu crisis in our household, the former assistant pastor unexpectedly stopped to see us. It wasn’t a social visit; he had an announcement. He wanted to begin a mission church at our house, even if it only served his family and ours. We couldn’t believe it. Church, with all its amenities was coming to us. Hoo! Hoo!

Through the winter, we met twice a month. We wrote a business plan. We planned. We encouraged one another. We conducted a few, small services, then scheduled them with more frequency. We held a Lenten workshop, a round robin of house blessings, and two agape meals. We cheered the day we became "official" and received donations of the items required to celebrate Divine Liturgy.

The first official Divine Liturgy was on Pentecost, outside where growing, green things abounded. It was less than perfect. I was sick and lost my voice after the first round of litanies; my kids struggled to chant the entire service. An occasional motorcycle blasted through the neighborhood. Our priest occasionally lost his place in the service book. Yet, we felt exultant at the liturgy's conclusion. We had begun. We were on our way. It was a glorious feeling.

 

An Irish Christmas - Silent Night

Show vs. Tell: Is Telling Ever Preferred?

Yes.

Showing - writing scenes - allows the reader to live the experience as it unfolds. Through dynamic (imagery that moves) descriptions, action, and dialogue, the writer moves the plot forward, foreshadows, drops clues, create conflict and resolution, delivers informtion, hints at motives, and reveals personality.

All good things. And yet, every scene is not worthy of "show."

Too much show, and the reader will have trouble diciphering what's important in the story. Too much show feels exhausting to the reader, as he encounters scene after scene with no breaks. Furthermore, every details does not need to be, well, detailed. This is where "tell" is a useful tool.

Effective uses of "tell" include summarizing useful information that doesn't require - and should not be presented - in minute detail. "Tell" provides a succint bridge from one scene to the next. "Tell" also allows the writer to set and vary the pace of the story.

An example from Visage of both "show" and "tell."

Finally, the day arrived when Steve and Brian loaded Melissa’s few remaining belongings into the back of Steve’s cleaning van. She had learned her lesson about traveling lightly last year, when they had moved to Munsonville. As the miles put Melissa’s hometown behind for what she hoped to be the final time, an army of impressions besieged her: the storm in John’s eyes the first time he kissed her, Henry’s exhortations to “be herself,” Fr. Alexis’ reassurance vampire dreams were normal, and an envelope of dried purple rose petals, proving her dreams were real. Forget the past, Henry had warned, but Bryony’s life held Melissa’s most precious memories. Besides, Harold Masters had raised her reading standards long before Melissa had caught John in her bedroom. Be strong, Melissa told herself.

“Bring it on!” she said aloud.

Brian peered at her over his comic book.

“Did you say something, Melissa?” Steve called back.

“Just excited about starting school.”

Brian stared at her. “If you say so,” he said in a voice too low for Steve to hear.

“You’re just jealous because I have a higher purpose in life.”

“Yeah, that’s why you spent last semester mooning in your bedroom.”

“I was studying. It paid off, too.”

Brian raised the book higher and slid far down into his seat. “What kind of a school gives away full, last-minute scholarships based on a corny paragraph?”

Darlene closed her book and turned around. “Who’s hungry?”

Melissa hated to stop, but Jenson was a seven-hour drive. After a quick fast-food lunch, Melissa pretended to nap since it passed the time, but adrenaline surged through her limbs the closer Steve’s van carried her to John’s territory.

The argument between Melissa and Brian is important for the story's progression (show); the details regarding packing up Melissa for college and every leg of the trip from Grover's Park to Jenson is not (tell) and would have bored the reader had I included it.

However, if this interchange between Melissa and Brian had occured during the packing and loading of Steve's van, I would have given the reader a glimpse of that packing through "show."

Consider one more scene, also from Visage:


          The opportunity presented itself the very next day. Science had just ended. Melissa was heading toward the staircase that would take her from the third floor classroom to her dorm room when Johnny Simotes passed her on the way down.

“Good afternoon,” he said, without stopping or looking at her.

It’s now or never, Melissa thought. Aloud she said, “Excuse me.”

The professor paused and turned toward her with a polite expression. His suit today was royal blue, and the cut was definitely not Victorian, but...oh God! John Simons was alive, standing this close, and looking directly at her.

Melissa paused and took a deep breath. “Would you have dinner with me one night?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said, ‘Would you have…?’”

“I heard you just fine.” Johnny peered closer. “Are you a music student?”

“No. I met you orientation weekend.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t....”

“Brad Eaton introduced us. You played in the band.”

“Oh. Well, thank you for the invitation, but I’m not interested. I’m engaged.”

He trotted down the stairs. Melissa closed her eyes and stood there, wishing the staircase would vanish and take her with it. What had gone wrong? Had she missed something in her reasoning? She could just hear Henry’s mocking tone, Is the truth of the little arrangement greater than your heart can bear, ringing in her ears. Even worse, the incident spread through the Jenson College faster than brushfire.

“You asked out Professor Simotes? I don’t believe it!” Tracy said at dinner that night.

“Shut up,” Julie hissed at her. “There’s no reason to broadcast it.”

Tracy threw her head back and laughed. “There isn’t anyone here who hasn’t heard it.”

“All the same, use some discretion.”

In misery, Melissa scraped slimy gravy off her meatloaf. She had been so sure Johnny Simotes was John Simons! Such an awful blunder! She would never, never live down the shame.

 

The embarrassing conversation between John and Melissa is definitely something to show; the use of telling for "the incident spread through Jenson College faster then brushfire," very neatly lets the reader know Melissa's shame far more neatly than providing repetitive, blow by blow, accounts of each incident.

 

To emphasize Melissa's humiliation, I "show" part of an evening meal featuring Julie, Tracy, and Melissa. And because of the "previous" telling, this use of "show" allows the depths Melissa's shame stand out like relief.

 

Caleb Johnson - American Idol 13 Winner - National Anthem - National Mem...

Cold Beef Stewed with Apples

From the official BryonySeries cookbook, Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles from "Bryony."

 

Purchase at http://www.bryonyseries.com/Dalton_s_Dry_Goods.html

All proceeds donated to Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties (www.bbbswillgrundy.org).

  

Melissa is thrilled when John finally invites her to a picnic away from the mansion, just the two of them. Of course, John feels Bryga packed enough food to feed them for a week, but even that careless remark couldn’t completely dampen Melissa’s excitement of being alone with John.

Cold Beef Stewed with Apples

 Beef, cut into thin slices

Butter

Apple, sliced fine

Salt

Pepper

Onion (optional)

Rub a stew pan with butter and put in sliced beef with pepper, salt, and apple; some would add a little onion. Cover it tight and stew until tender.

 

Adapted from Miss Beecher’s domestic receiptbook: designed as a supplement to her Treatise on domestic economy.

Relaxing Celtic Music - Irish Tin Whistle

Story Round Up Only

The world suddenly seemed so much bigger

Meet Alex Paramo, super student, accepted at four major universities--he chose Stanford--son of parents that speak little English. What's his secret? Read on!

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/17/the-world-suddenly-seemed-so-much-bigger/agcsi36/


An Extraordinary Life: Joliet woman's love of animals bred like rabbits

Hilarious! Must read! (or at least click on the rabbit photo).

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/05/07/an-extraordinary-life-joliet-womans-love-of-animals-bred-like-rabbits/a53nh1t/


Cat allergy doesn't stop shelter volunteer
By Jan Larsen

She's cleans AND cooks for these furry felines...after her allergy shots.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/09/cat-allergy-doesnt-stop-shelter-volunteer/ap34xio/


Two local women celebrate 50 years in their respective health professions
By Jeanne Millsap

One is a nuclear technologist and the other is a medical transcriptionist, and baby! Those professions have come a long way.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/30/two-local-women-celebrate-50-years-in-their-respective-health-professions/asqvle6/


Izzy's owner hosts meatloaf cook-off to benefit veterans

Take a guess at Izzy made, go on, guess! You'll never guess.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/30/izzys-owner-hosts-meatloaf-cook-off-to-benefit-veterans/arfqux3/


Crest Hill minister publishs poetry about controversial social issues

Plus, she is the sweetest lady anyone could ever meet.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/05/13/crest-hill-minister-writes-publishes-poetry-about-controversial-social-issues/aeg87t0/


Lewis University history and design students merge talents to create museum exhibit.

Trust me. The photos doen't do the collaboration justice. A must see to believe, a first for all.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/17/lewis-university-history-and-design-students-merge-talents-to-create-museum-exhibit/aletrr/

Throwback Thursday: Leeches 101

First published Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Leeches 101

During Melissa’s first day at Munsonville School, Ann Dalton compares their biology teacher, a former scientist, to H.G. Wells’ Dr. Moreau. That’s because Mr. Walczak, through his retained laboratory connections, brought all manner of interesting specimens to class, including a two-headed fish and a vampire bat.

So when Mr. Walczak collects a jar of leeches from Lake Munson, Melissa is fascinated at the close-up view at the grotesque creatures, although Jack Cooper, who grew up in a fishing boat with his father, is bored.

Perhaps Mr. Walczak’s connections included Biopharm (http://www.biopharm-leeches.com/), an international company, established in 1812 and based in South Wales, UK. His knowledge of leeches certainly suggests it.

According to the company website, Biopharm is the first leech farm of its kind. It produces, in a sterile environment, the majority of leeches used in modern medicine worldwide. Thank you, Biopharm, for sharing your interesting collection of leech facts.

· There are 650 known species of leeches.
· The largest leech discovered measured eighteen inches.
· About one fifth of leech species live in the sea where they feed on fish.
· The leech has thirty-two brains, thirty-one more than a human.
· The Hirudo Medicinalis is the leech mostly used in plastic and reconstructive surgery.
· The Hirudo leech lays its babies within a cocoon; whereas the Amazon leech carries its babies—sometimes as many as three hundred--on its stomach.
· Not all leeches are bloodsuckers. Many are predators, which eat earthworms. Ironically the nearest relatives of leeches are earthworms.
· The Hirudo leech has three jaws with one hundred teeth on each jaw, making three hundred teeth in all.
· The Amazon leech uses a different method of sucking blood. They insert a long proboscis into the victim, as opposed to biting.
· The bite of a leech is painless due to its own anesthetic.
· The Hirudo injects an anti-coagulant serum into the victim to prevent blood clotting.
· The leech will gorge itself until full, sometimes up to five times its body weight, and then just fall away from its victim.
· After the Hirudo leech drops off, the wound it leaves will bleed, on average, for ten hours.
· The first leech was used in medicine about 1000 B.C, probably in ancient India.
· Wales was once one of the major leech collecting areas of Europe. People would stand in lakes and pools and, when the leech attached to their legs, they would put them in their baskets and sell them.
· The original surgeons were barbers that used leeches to cure anything from headaches to gout. The red and white stripe traditionally seen on a barber pole began when surgeons hung their bandages on a pole outside their shops.
· Biopharm leeches have helped save the limbs of patients in twenty-nine different countries.
· By extracting the anti-clotting serum for the leech, researchers are isolating new pharmaceutical compounds for eventual treatment of heart diseases.
· The nervous system of the leech is very similar to the human nervous system and is of enormous benefit to researchers in their quest for the answers to human problems.

►Interview with the Vampire | Lestat Piano Sonata (Joseph Haydn)

BryonySeries Examples: Using Character Description to Reveal Personality

"They" say we shouldn't "judge a book by its cover," but we, consciously or unconsciously, evaluate people all the time, based on first impressions.

Now sometimes those impressions are correct and sometimes they are incorrect. Part of the fun of writing is that YOU, by careful word choice, can steer your reader in either direction.

Unconvinced? Consider the grand entrances for these characters in Bryony and Visage. And sorry about the font size. Blogspot was allowing two choices this morning: miniscule and font for the nearly blind. I chose the latter.


           A lanky man, about forty, in a green, pocket T-shirt, faded blue jeans, and threadbare gym shoes, was holding a tape measure against her bedroom wall. He reached behind his ear for his pencil, pulled a wrinkled paper from his pocket, and jotted some figures. Glancing up, he noticed Melissa, and his face broke into a wide grin

          A brown-haired woman in a gray-tweed skirt, beige blouse, and glasses hanging on a chain around her neck stepped out, carrying an armful of books.

           Food stains smeared Mr. Masters’ polka-dot shirt, half-tucked into his baggy trousers. With one finger, he slid smudged spectacles back up his nose as he lectured his students. His thick, disheveled, gray-streaked brown hair sorely needed a comb and a bottle of shampoo.

           By the glow of the firelight from the red-brick hearth, Henry Matthews, dressed in black pants and a red waistcoat, reclined in a leather armchair. His gray cravat draped over the arm of the chair, and he had unfastened the top buttons of his ruffled white shirt. With half-mast eyes, Henry sniffed the cigar he drew under his nose and sighed with pleasure. Chinook lolled on the floor next to Henry’s chair. The merest hint of a smile adorned his boyish face.

           Her colorless, green eyes, were nearly devoid of lashes; her dry lips faded into her thin, white face; and the short sleeves on her emerald gown overemphasized her skinny arms.

           Despite her petite hour-glass figure and wispy hair, Jill had easily carried four suitcases, in one trip, up two flights of stairs. Now looking fresh and innocent in a melon-hued, scooped neck shirt and floral print skirt, Jill no longer resembled the staggering drunk who had awakened Melissa before dawn by vomiting sour rum all over the floor.

            Jenny favored peasant clothes, which, along with her large, round dark eyes, heavily accented with shadow and mascara, and long, shaggy dark hair, gave her the appearance of a cuddly rag doll. Turquoise rings and bitten-down nails adorned her fingers, and Melissa had not yet seen Jenny without a choker necklace. The one clasped around her neck today alternated aquamarine and white beads.

         Their mother, Patty, looked as young as Katie, except Patty was     skinny. She also still had adolescent acne, a shiny pug nose, thinly plucked eyebrows, and dirty blonde hair caught in a high pony tail.

The door opened, and a short, stooped, man with heavy, thick-rimmed black glasses and artificially dark hair slicked to one side entered, skimming John’s chart.

 

Even if she wasn’t pregnant, Debbie Polis, outdated feathered blonde hair falling softly over pudgy cheeks, still would be chubby. She stood uncertainly in the doorway, wringing her stumpy hands.

 

A short, slender man with long knotted brown hair stood at one end of the room, bawling and wiping his nose with the back of his flannel shirt.

 

The tall and bulky Cornell Dyer, dressed in bleached and faded jeans taut at the seams, a T-shirt tightly stretched over his barreled chest, and blazer patched in colorful squares of polyester, reminded Melissa of a giant Panda, albeit one with a mop of thick, curly black hair and a small-squared off mustache, as he lumbered to the front door to greet them. The soft hand that shook hers in a hearty greeting resembled a large marshmallow; the lips that kissed her cheek felt like a wet sponge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Spent Some Time In Munsonville After All

Friday I hit the sack fairly early (for a Friday night) as I was the on-call editor for the weekend, and I also had two stories to cover.

Before running to the bank, I did some postings for one newspaper, edited next Monday's pet feature, wrote a nice draft for Friday's A&E feature, and then, that afternoon, covered a cook-off benefit for homeless and disabled verterans and had coffee with one really nice poet. I headed back to The Herald-News to write those stories, got back to the apartment about six-thirty, worked out in the fitness center with Daniel, and then grabbed some poor boy sandwiches with Daniel and Timothy. Rebekah was spending the weekend in Morris, so I had our room all to ourselves.

:)

At eight o'clock, I settled down at the computer for a lovely four and a half hours of working on the prequel, racking it up well after midnight for a shower, into bed oneish, and then up at seven to start my postings for two newspapers, church, a visit from Joshua and company, grocery shopping, etc. etc. et all.

One of the smartest things I have ever done, prequel-wise, was to print out all my chapter notes to this sixty-chapter tome and three-hole punch them into a binder. This allows me to carry the story around with me at all times, constantly reviewing the story every spare few minutes I have to keep the entire storyline fresh in my mind and jotting down ideas, dialogue, descriptions, phraseology etc., as they come to mind.

So,  yes, under this new regime, I am working on the novel every day(finally, as I can hear some of you say), and my extended time at the keyboard has become far, far more productive.

This week, with a three-day holiday at its end, The Herald-News has early deadlines. I plan to give the next five days the intensity it needs to ensure three days of no official work at the end of it. With the exception of church on Sunday (dedication at Joshua and Amber's church for Ezekiel and Jessica), I intend to spend those three days round or about the nineteenth century.

Cannot wait, cannot wait, cannot wait.

Pickled Beef Tongue

Pickled Beef Tongue

Note: For reading purposes only. This recipe does not meet modern food safety standards.

Beef, pork, tongues or hung beef

4 gallons water

1 ½ pounds sugar or molasses

2 ounces saltpetre

6-9 pounds salt (depending on storage time)

2 ounces sugar

½ pound salt

Mix the meat in water, sugar or molasses, and saltpetre. If it is to last a month or two, put in 6 pounds of salt; if you wish to keep it over the summer, use 9 pounds of salt. Boil it all together gently, and skin, and then let it cool. Put the meat in the vessel in which it is to stand, pour the pickle on the meat until it is covered, and keep it for family use. Once in 2 months boil and skim the pickle, and throw in 2 ounces of sugar and ½ pound of salt. When tongues and hung beef are taken out, wash and dry the pieces, put them in paper bags, and hang in a dry, warm place. In very hot weather, rub the meat well with salt before it is put in the pickle, and let it lie 3 hours for the bloody portion to run out. Too much saltpetre is injurious.

From Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles From "Bryony"

All proceeds benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties. Visit www.bbbswillgrundy.org

Order the cookbook at www.bryonyseries.com/Dalton_s_Dry_Goods.html

A Nice Irish Proverb

May you always be blessed with walls for the wind. A roof for the rain. A warm cup of tea by the fire. Laughter to cheer you. Those you love near you. And all that your heart might desire.
— Irish Proverb

Story Round Up Only :(

Between the new job, moving, and trying to get Staked! out (not to mention my other fiction writing projects), reading has fallen waaaaay down the priority chain. I'm thinking of curling up in bed early tonight with a good book, if all goes well...

Joliet man seeks funding for his photo book on Pilcher Park

The images are beautiful, and he plans to raise funds for local organizations with the proceeds.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/28/joliet-man-seeks-funding-for-his-photo-book-on-pilcher-park/awwii16/


Mother and daughter choose same major at Lewis University

By chance, not by design, and advantageous to both

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/05/06/mother-and-daughter-choose-same-major-at-lewis-university/abpydyz/


An Extraordinary Life: Everybody liked him

Read the difference a can of pop can make. Be sure to read to the end.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/05/06/an-extraordinary-life-everybody-liked-him/afx6vn4/


Frankfort Township Animal Control Spring Fling celebrates the joys of pet ownership

No hype here. This animal control is no-kill and helps out money-poor residents so it can retain their pets.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/30/frankfort-township-animal-control-spring-fling-celebrates-the-joys-of-pet-ownership/ax40vnd/


Shorewood chiropractor offers a plethora of integrative medicine
By Jeanne Millsap

A real rock star of a doc.

http://seoplus.theherald-news.com/2014/04/30/shorewood-chiropractor-offers-a-plethora-of-integrative-medicine/aa0kr5b/


Shriners to sell onions locally this weekend

Not just any onion either, but the freshest and sweetest, with proceeds to benefit children. Not convinced? Betcha the recipes will hook ya into buying a bag (or two).

http://www.morrisdailyherald.com/2014/05/13/shriners-to-sell-onions-locally-this-weekend/agb4p9c/


Donation of formal gowns leads to fundraiser for Haitian orphans

A low-cost option for wedding wear, leaving more room in the budget for other items.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/30/donation-of-formal-gowns-leads-to-fundraiser-for-haitian-orphans/ay9z612/?page=1


Four artists combine their talent to produce original show

The goal? To use their diverse talents and bless the Joliet community with thought-provoking, discussion-starting productions.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/05/07/four-joliet-artists-combine-their-talent-to-produce-original-shows/ar5f2at/

Throwback Thursday: Daily Bread

First published Thursday, December 9, 2010

Daily Bread

I used to consider myself one of those people who lived in the moment, back when I could afford to live in the moment.

When the recession first hit, we pulled up our socks, tightened our belts, and dragged the cobwebby resources we used during other money-poor times in our lives, confident we could batten the hatches and weather the storm.

Ahem! Enough cliches. :)

Unfortunately, challenges hit us so fast, I felt like crouching in a corner and letting them drown us. In one twenty-four hour period in October, we had so many troubles, my twenty-year-old son audibly wondered what seventeenth century witch had cursed us.

Although I was still praying, "Give us this day our daily bread," I really meant, "Give me back security, financial, medical, and otherwise, a week or more at a time." I wanted to know a future on my terms was promised us.

In the meantime, some interesting things happened. With each new dilemma, someone or something stepped up to fill the gap. It's been two months since my husband lost his job and our health insurance. No one has gotten sick (yet, despite the fact I still need thyroid surgery), we're not behind in bills, and we're still eating. I have more writing assignments than I ever have. Even Bryony is moving along the virtual assembly editing line toward publication.

Earlier this week, a telephone call brought a financial blessing. The next day, another job threat occurred, and we reeled under that blow. Yesterday, relief for that crisis came from a highly unlikely source. Saturday, nine people are planning to attend Bryony's first "meet and greet," an opportunity for those involved in the project to say, "Howdy" and shake hands.

I'm not feeling completely ready to "Let go and let God," but, like it or not, He's certainly inching me along in that direction.

 

A Shade of Vampire Nail Art

We Are (For The Most Part) Moved In

And so are Midnight and Hope, both, of whom, are crying a lot.

Tough and athletic Hope cries when a room is empty; Midnight cries all night. Hopefully, they will quickly learn they are here to stay. Working on Faith...

Frances may have a new temporary home, one that she herself selected. More on that when details are finalized.

The weekend was a marathon. Except for the storage unit, every item from my mother's went from there to here in twelve hours. Since the computer was the last to go, I actually put in half a day of work while everyone else did the back and forth. Enough was put away to get us room to sleep, shower, and navigate the next day.

We actually made Divine Liturgy forty miles away and the Mother's Day brunch that followed. Timothy, who worked like a slave the previous day, helped the men cook it.

Then we had Joshua, Amber, Ezekiel, and Jessica over for Ezekiel's second birthday, a low-key celebration, as we finished the unpacking. We got to bed late and slept poorly (Timothy actually stayed up into the wee hours arranging his first kitchen) but we all made work and school the next day.

I'm amazed at the amount of space we actually do have. The grounds are well-maintained. and maintanence itself is true to its word. When the monsoons started Sunday night, and the picture window leaked, "Jeff" was at the apartment in no time.

We've already checked out the fitness center and pool. I did a trial walk "run" to work and decided that the backpack is indeed to heavy to carry all the while (along with my lunchbox and coffee thermos) and caved to the sissy pack with wheels. Soooo, without a trial run, I walk to work today.

After the power walk, of course. Breaking in the new route this morning...

Moving Day

I'm interrupting my regularly scheduled "Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, all Things Irish" regular type of Saturday post to announce that, by the end of today, I and my three youngest kids (all of whom are now adults, 18-23) and two of my furballs will be somewhat transitioned into a two-bedroom apartment within walking distance to my work, a Wal-Mart (food, medicine, and other essentials), our vet, a quick care, a pharmacy, a gas station, and a hospital.

In short, all the conveniences within hoofing distance for one that has no car.

Although I'm not abdicating my homeless status (that's not an explanation for here), I am rather excited, because it means I can eat when and where I wish, shower when I wish, do laundry when I wish, cuddle with my cats -- in short, obtain the necessities of life without interfering and upsetting the lives of others.

Later today, I'm hoping to do two things. One is to walk to work, so I know exactly how much time to leave in the morning. The second is to plot a daily, power walk course, break in new ground, so to speak, a new territory for freeing my mind and releasing that creative muse, for yes, I still do walk with notepad and pen.

Ed Calkins would probably write a bad limerick for it, so I guess this post IS about him, after all.

I cannot wait...

Story Round Up Only

Trying to move while everyone is working and two kids are moving towards finals is a little insane, especially since we aren't taking any days off to make the transition easier. So I'm just a little behind in reading. Below are my stories that ran in this week's Herald-News.

Did I say moving day was tomorrow???


Rialto Square to host special veiw of 'The Wrecking Crew: A Documentary'

Meet the band that played the music for most of the pop hits of the 1960s and early 1970s -- often without credited recognition.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/17/rialto-square-theatre-to-host-special-viewing-of-the-wrecking-crew-a-documentary/a76c228/


Joliet woman celebrates 50 years with Encore shop

And her daughter, also a volunteer of this hospital fundraiser, has nearly have as much time in. Read on!

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/23/joliet-woman-celebrates-50-years-with-encore-shop/a57r02u/


An Extraordinary Life: He was the happiest

Wendell Krnac lived a simple, steady life. And it brought him much joy.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/29/an-extraordinary-life-he-was-the-happiest/a68gvaj/


Plainfield woman starts Joliet dog rescue shelter

Jane Kohlmann believes in her project so much, she put up her own money to kick it off.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/22/plainfield-woman-starts-joliet-dog-rescue-shelter/ai5yb8/?page=1


The evolution of hip replacements
By Jeanne Millsap

One mailman continued his job for over a decade on those replacements, thanks to a Morris orthopedic surgeon.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/17/the-evolution-of-hip-replacements/abdjti0/


Silver Cross bariatric nurse explains diet before and after bariatric surgery

Successful patients don't return to their old habits, but neither are they doomed to a life of celery and carrot sticks.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/17/silver-cross-bariatric-nurse-explains-diet-before-and-after-bariatric-surgery/aszw0j5/


Joliet womans faith experiences featured on Lifetime show 'Preachers' Daughters'

What Taylor Coleman and her pastor father learned from allowingt film crews to invade their daily lives.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/30/joliet-womans-faith-experiences-featured-on-lifetime-show-preachers-daughters/a9hjbu8/

Led Zeppelin 2 to play Mojoes on May 15

At the forefront of this national band's publicity is a Joliet native, with a passionate heart for varieties of music.

http://www.theherald-news.com/2014/04/17/led-zeppelin-2-to-play-mojoes-in-joliet-may-15/a5lwodk/

Throwback Thursday: "The Other Stuff I Write"

First published Wednesday, December 29, 2010

 

 

The Other Stuff I Write

Although I rise at midnight and pen amusing vampire stories, I actually spend very little time writing fiction, compared to the rest of my work.

In addition to delivering newspapers at night, homeschooling two children, hosting a small mission church in my home, and overseeing an "in theory" daily family Bible study with three of my children, I fill my days with a bevy of writing assignments.

Most of my work is for the Herald News (http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/) where I have written on just about every topic imaginable, except for hard news and sports. For many years, I had three "regular features" I filled every week, two of which are still going strong.

One of them, long since phased out for space, was Local Flavor, a spotlight on what area people liked to cook, along with a couple of their recipes. Artworks, which I have been writing since 1998, profiles local artists and their work. An Extraordinary Life spotlights recently deceased individuals who have led unusually interesting and inspirational lives. I've been writing this column for almost ten years.

For the last two years, I have also written press releases and web content for Adventist Midwest Health (http://www.keepingyouwell.com/). The work has no byline, but the topics are versatile and very interesting. That, to me, is more important than a byline.

In addition, I have had two stories published in Chicago Parent (http://www.chicagoparent.com/), one in Frankfort Patch (http://frankfort.patch.com/), and one in The Handmaiden (http://www.conciliarpress.com/.

My other "funsie" writing was several years ago when I wrote three feature stories and one Local Flavor spoof for The Clarion & Globe, the newsletter of the Goodies Rule-OK! fan club (http://www.goodiesruleok.com/).

Come to think of it, I haven't wandered over to the GROK website in a while. I think I'll do that now.

Visage Book Tralier (+playlist)

Frances is Back and It's All Because I Wrote "Bryony"

Well, okay, it's a bit of a stretch, but just a small one.

Last fall, a friend asked if he could pass my name onto his cousin, who was also writing a novel with Victorian themes. She and I spent a delightful ninety minutes on the phone discussing cool topics like post-mortem photography and have since kept in contact via Facebook.

So when she called last night as I was readying for bed, I hestitated before answering, for between a long day at work and feeling miserable about Frances, well, I felt too depleted for any substantial conversation. The altruistic side of me kicked in pretty quickly, and I answered the phone.

She said, "Good news!"

I said, "You finished your book?"

She said, "I think my cousin has your cat."

Long story short, Frances had wandered into her cousin's shop--located on the ground floor of Joshua's apartment building--on Saturday. The shop owner took good care of Frances and a photo of Frances and then posted it on Facebook. My writerly friend saw it and my blog and then called me.

Turns out Joshua even knew the shop owner. She not only gets visitation with Frances (she fell in love with her; how could she not?), I now have one very good reason for browsing through her shop, which I've wanted to do for awhile, as it looks very interesting.

Curious? Check it out: https://www.facebook.com/pages/GypsySoul-Unique-Worldly-Goods-New-Old/164131680305259?fref=photo

Have You Seen Frances?

One week before we move into our new apartment, Frances left Joshua's. She has now been gone forty-eight hours. I doubt she'll be back, but just in case...

If you see this car around and about Morris, Illinois, she's ours, microchipped, and we want her back. She will also respond to her name.

In Case You Have a Medium-Sized Fresh Water Turtle Lying Around...

Bucottora
By Suzy Staley Baker

 

1 medium-sized fresh water turtle

1 tablespoon black pepper

Vinegar or lime

1 large onion

1 ball recardo (Belizean version of achiote paste) and anato (achiote)

Thyme, oregano, garlic, cilantro

Coconut oil

Thick coconut cream

 

Chop off head and cut around hard shell. After shell breaks, take knife and cut very close to the edge of the back, guiding the meat with your hand as you go along. Take out meat and clean with vinegar or lime. Place in hot water to scald off skin. Cut into pieces and season with spices to taste. Cook in hot coconut oil. Add little thick coconut cream to keep it from drying out, Turn occasionally and add more spices. Cook for 40 to 50 minutes. Yield: Depends on the size of the turtle

 

From Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles From "Bryony"

All proceeds benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties. Visit www.bbbswillgrundy.org

Order the cookbook at www.bryonyseries.com/Dalton_s_Dry_Goods.html

Bullet Holes and Barbie Doll Heads: If Mellissa Married Ed Calkins Act one

Yes, I know "Melissa" is spelled wrong, but the following play is Ed Calkins unboxed, uncensored, and unedited.

As I re-read his play this evening--originally sent to me in April 2012 or seven months before the release of the holiday editon of Visage, I was struck by how many subtle Visage references Ed's play actually contained, even though he never read any of the books before publication. He just merely signed away his identity.

Warning: Violence, strong language, sexual references, and "Chris" is actually "Steve" and "John Copper" is "Jack Cooper," a hybrid of the fact that Ed can't spell and his "improvements" to the original novel.

Without further ado, Ed's play, but first...his intro letter. Enjoy! (or not).

P.S.: For the uninitiated, "MOMI" means "Mistress of My Immortality."

 

Dear Momi,

      Ok, here's the scary part. This play was supposed to be 4 pages long, but the charactors kept banging at the keybroad and MS Word tells me its now 22 pages long. Much of it you'll be censoring I'm sure, but I'm going to try and paste it now .....damn, it worked. Use this anyway you wish, but I'm casting now for actors/actresses.

          

 

Melissa: Mom, Chris, I’m home! 1976 is a really bad year to start collage. I’ll explain myself defensively later. Right now, I’m going to bed. (Fake yawn) I’m really tried and can’t wake to dream…er wait to sleep.

Chris: We weren’t expecting you till Thanksgiving: (Calling out) Darlene!

(Darlene enters stage with mess up hair and a jacket over pajamas)

Darlene: Dear, what are you doing home?  You couldn’t have flunked out already; you’ve only been gone for two days

Mellissa: But it was two days of hell.  With so many different classes to go to, I ran out of clothes the first day. So when I told my roommate to help me with my algebra dress, she told me to ‘get bit’; you know (looking dreamy) it seemed like such a good idea! Yep, great talking to you guys, but now I have to get to my room.

Darlene (whispering harshly to Chris): Honey, do something to delay the inevitably awkwardness we’re about to endure.

Chris: Mellissa, you can’t go to your room now.

Darlene: Why?

Chris: Well because…because we have to go to the police station now. To ahh…

Darlene: Fill out a restraining order…

Chris: Right! A restraining order against a very dangerous….

Darlene: Harmless.

Chris: Yes a dangerously harmless

Darlene: But unsufferably annoying ….

Chris: Yes intolerable, this is the third Barbie doll this week that old fool sent you

Mellissa: Ed Calkins!

Chris: Yah, that’s the guy. We’ve got to do something. Come on honey, I’ll go with you so that when you get back nothing weird will be afoot and we can change your mind about this college thing.

Mellissa: Wow this is embarrassing!

Darlene and Chris: NO NO, we’ve nothing to be embarrassed about.

Chris: No we’re not hiding anything as you’ll find out when you get back, unless you just want to go back to your dorm room…

Mellissa: I can’t file a restraining order on Ed Calkins

Chris and Darlene: But you have too! He’ll keep coming back

Mellissa: Well, it just that I sorta…. Kinda… married him a little.

Darlene (outraged): You’re married now! When were you going to tell us!

Mellissa: I was going to tell you, honest I was. I was just going to wait until I married someone more impressive.

Chris: Now listen here young lady, and I saying this a fatherly as I can muster as to cover that fact that I am neither you father, stepfather, or for the moment, potential stepfather but I want to lay the groundwork so that I have some credibility when I finally do ask you mother to marry me, and you’ll be used to taking me for you father and your mother will be impress with my handling rebellious teenager abilities thus giving me a stronger hand within the makeshift family…

Mellissa: do you have a point?

Chris: You can’t marry a vampire! Especially not bad vampires!

Mellissa (taken back and trying to (badly) lie): There’s no such thing as vampires. I learned that in college.

Chris: Don’t lie to me again Missy or I’d do something punitive!

Mellissa (hopefully): Like send me to my room?

Chris: No! Like lecturing you on and on without make any sense so that your mother can slip away and take care of a situation without you realizing…

Darlene: (to herself): What does he expect I can do.

Chris: (rambling) ….so the thigh bone is connected to the hip bone because everyone knows that teenagers don’t hear a thing you say anyway…

Mellissa: Why would anyone think he’s a vampire?

Chris (thrusting a card at her): Cause he left a calling card.

Mellissa (reading it): and it says right here, “newspaper distributor”, the guys a paper boy, Chris

Chris: Read the fine print!

Mellissa: “ruthless dictator, vampire, steward of Tara, novel character...” oh boy, how does he get away with it?

Chris: and international terrorist. What, we marry terrorists now!

Mellissa: Well he’s not a terrorist. He thinks he’s a terrorist. Some cop gave him a ticket while he was doing his paper route. So he decided to retaliate until the village dropped the ticket….

Chris (not listening to Mellissa): So, what are we supposed tell the relatives, uh? ‘Yah sure, come over for Easter, but don’t forget to bring a bomb proof vest. You never know when Mellissa’s husband’s going to get that ‘blow myself up’ urge….

Darlene (looking uncomfortable but not saying anything):

Mellissa (listening like a teenager): So, ever morning he’d randomly pick up ten names from the phonebook…to think badly of them… Terrible things…disgusting things…and you never know who it was he picked because he never told anyone… but He was sure it mattered. Didn’t help that it worked…

Chris (still): Here in American we do not negotiate with terrorists…we don’t marry them, don’t date them, don’t befriend them, sometimes we behead them, other time we invade their countries, sometimes it’s the wrong country, maybe one they heard of somewhere…

Darlene:

Mellissa: So they must have dropped the case because there’s no record of it anywhere, but does that stop Ed Calkins from having his day in court? Are you kidding? He shows up in his kilt and doesn’t stop to sign in but walks right up to the judge with his mouth moving and his arms waving and you’d think the sheriff’s police would have made quick work of him, instead, after 15 minutes and some bangs of the gavel, Judge Thomas stands up, shakes the steward’s hand, and thanks him for his time! Next thing, instead of giving fines, the judge orders all guilty offenders to write and acceptable limerick praising the judge and making him immortal. How does a fool make everyone else a fool? … Including me.

Chris: I like the country! Like the music too… it can really get to your heart, ya know, makes you what to drink whiskey while cleaning the shotgun. Twang twang twang twang…. Twang twang…twang twang ….what were we talking about?

Darlene and Mellissa: fools and men.

Chris: Oh yes, Ed Calkins, now how can you say he’s not a terrorist? Look on the card. It’s says IRA spokesmen.

Mellissa: He means ‘IVA”.  He can’t spell!

Chris (now shouting again): Unacceptable!

Mellissa: Ok Ok next time I see him, I’ll tell him we’re divorced.

Chris: Yeah you’re divorced! He’s lucky I don’t…

Mellissa: He won’t believe me. Even if he did, he’d forget the next time. Why do you think he sends me Barbie dolls instead of roses? He forgets that he met me in the nineteen century when dirt old men were in fashion. Why he keeps calling himself my first husband when I was with number one when I meet him.

Chris and Darlene: First Husband!

Mellissa: Yeah, crazy isn’t it. Geez I’m glad we had this talk. I’ll just go to my room now.

Darlene: Mellissa, who and how many ‘husbands’ do you have?

Mellissa: Lets see, there’s the vampire you never met, Ed Calkins, another vampire you have met, just not as a vampire, Judge Thomas, some other guy I can’t remember, oh and the cabbie that got me here…I didn’t have enough money to…”

Darlene: You married a judge!

Chris: You married a Democrat!

Darlene: Six husbands, have you heard of bigamy. Chris, I told you this would happen…but no, send her to a university, let her meet Mormons… why not?

Chris: You married a Democrat!

Mellissa: Mom, I pretty sure it’s seven…who did I miss…oh that boy in town.

Darlene: That Copper fellow.

Mellissa: No! That’s Ann’s husband.

Chris: Great! Terrorists and Democrats! If you meet that Kennedy fellow are you going to marry him? This family gets worse ever moment. Why not marry a Vegan for good measure.  Sure, never have turkey again.

Mellissa: John Copper is only my boyfriend.

Chris (trying to calm down): So Mellissa, make me understand. What was your thought process when you married a Dem…er married the judge?

Mellissa (calmly trying to remember): Well, at first I thought I could beat the ticket, but he didn’t believe me, and then I couldn’t think up any words that rythmed with ‘Thomas’.

Darlene: So you married a judge to get out of a ticket!

Mellissa: Well no, that one is still on my record. But I’m still a virgin!

Darlene: But you married seven different men.

Chris: But you married a Democrat!

(Kimberly enters richly but age inappropriately dressed and appearing to be nursing a hangover enters the stage from where Melissa’s room might be.)

Kimberly:  what’s all the noise?

Melissa: Kim! You’re alive.

Kimberly: not the way it feels but, thanks for the thought. Now what are you doing in my house?

Chris (looking nervous); ahh, about that…

Darlene (trying to be calm): Melissa, I’d like you to meet your new younger sister, Kimberly

Melissa: she’s not my sister, she’s the same age as I am and she’s my friend.

Darlene: Yes dear, of course she is. But since you were leaving for collage and (looking at Chris, beaming) Chris and I love each other some much, we decided to open our hearts and adopt; giving a warm loving home to some poor child who knows only poverty and mistreatment.

 Chris (putting his arm around Darlene): You’re mother always wanted a daughter.

Melissa (throwing her arms in the air): What am I?

Chris: Well we knew that in Christian novels for young adults, the only way an unmarried couple gets a daughter is by adoption.

Darlene: Of course we’re just one question away from being a married couple.

Chris: We considered adoption abroad; maybe some mail order child from a Russian orphanage, but there still Godless commies. I fact we were going to give up and you, Melissa, would have been our only daughter. But then you go marrying this Ed Calkins character and changed every thing.

Darlene: Yes dear, when are you going to learn how to keep minor from dominating novels that are supposed to be about you?

Kimberly (whispers to Melissa): and as far as that ‘friend’ thing goes… Have you heard of sibling rivalry? It’s on sweetheart. (Moving in for a group hug) Ah, my wonderful parents.

Chris: Indeed. We knew the moment that Irish vampire gave us a picture of a poor, neglected, and abused girl that needed a new home that…

Kimberly (putting on a face of a poor, neglected, but somewhat age inappropriate teen)

Melissa: Poor! Neglected! That girl is a spoiled brat…the only daughter of parents that are loaded!

Darlene: Don’t interrupt your father.

Melissa: He’s not my…

Chris: So while you and your truant friends were being questioned by the police, we agreed to take delivery of our new baby girl, Kimberly, the first minute you moved out of the house.

Melissa (outraged): Then? You knew then that Kim was alright and didn’t tell me? You let us think that we were accomplices in an escapade that could have been fatal.

Darlene: We were going to tell you when we thought you were old enough to handle it.

Melissa (screaming): And WHEN WOULD THAT BE!

Chris: Well, by the sound of it, not for many years.

Darlene and Chris (embracing her and glowing): The daughter we always wished we had!

Melissa (trying to make sense of it all): Ok, I get it. If I can marry a middle aged vampire why can’t my mother and her boyfriend adopt the worse example of a daughter I’ve ever befriended and pretend it’s what they wanted? Let’s end the farce. Ok, I not married to anyone and Kim, its great to see you alive, but you have to go home to Grover Park to begin you life sentence of being grounded.

Chris (sharply): Melissa! That’s your sister you re talking about and she is not going home to those dreadful people.

Melissa: But those ‘dreadful people’, the Whineys, have lawyers and their not afraid to use them remember?

Chris: That name is not allowed in this house, Melissa. Besides, your terrorist husband took care of that.

Darlene: I don’t think we have to worry about those dreadful people breaking up our loving home, Melissa. They are too busy in court.

Melissa (Throwing her arms in the air): What did he do, write a limerick about them.

Chris (laughing): No, he wrote a limerick dishing their lawyers and signed it, ‘the Whineys’. Now they are being sued for deflamation of character.

Darlene and Kimberly (rolling in fits of laughter)

Melissa: But Kimberly isn’t a ‘baby girl’. She was seventeen at the time, but now she’s eighteen…an adult too old to need adoption…what do you say to that?

Darlene, Kim, and Chris (getting suddenly quite)

Chris (almost whispering): We were hoping not to tell you. You didn’t seem to notice and we didn’t want to alarm you…

Melissa: Something else you didn’t tell me.

Darlene (fearfully): Honey, something strange has happened to all the young people in Munsonville. Something that we can only call…. Age inappropriate.

Melissa: Look, Kimberly always dressed like a hooker. That’s just her.

Ed Calkins (off the set and speaking to himself in a forlorn voice): that’s going to get cut I’m afraid. The stuff that follows won’t do any better.

Chris: It’s not just the girls, it’s the guys too. It’s like the age of a youth is not situation specific. You go to any bar and you see the teens drinking after suddenly becoming 21, go to a theater and you see teens by themselves waiting to go to the “r” files after becoming seventeen, but when you think it time for someone to go off on their own and they become minors again. It’s like kids become any age that fits they fancy.

Darlene: It’s crazy. Ann whose should be eighteen is too old for high school, yet too young to get a job or marry out of the house. Tom is sixteen when it comes to driving, but under 12 when it comes to paying adult.

Chris: Yes, it’s strange. All the kids have been affected. Even the twenty somethings are becoming minors again. Getting married and starting a family seemed to help but that didn’t stop Lenny from moving back home and demanding an allowance. He was 24 but now he’s sixteen.

Darlene: Yes. Driving down the freeway you can see the damage. All the fast food places are closing because all the kids become 14 again when the help wanted signs go up.

Chris: Except of course for our baby girl. She works as a waitress in a new place that opened up in an unincorporated area we law enforcement doesn’t have time to worry about ‘vice, It’s fifty miles south of here and called the “Nunnery”. You’d think that nobody would eat there because of how far away it is, but cars are always parked there. But as they advertize its; “Where gentlemen go for the Catholic school girl experience.”

Melissa: And the book flap calls me naïve.

Darlene: So if Lenny suddenly becomes too young to raise his family and moves back in with his mother, Kimberly can be are baby daughter.

Melissa (to herself): can it get any weirder.

(Brian and Snowball enter stage, Brian is wearing a kilt)

Brian (talking in a deep voice and sticking out his belly) I’m a ruthless dictator. Do what I say or I’ll hurt your feelings.

Kimberly: Hey, ya little creep, that my work uniform.

Chris (looking at Brian’s kilt disapprovingly): That’s an awfully short dress to be working in.

Brian (in a deep voice to Kimberly): Whose a little creep?

Darlene: Dear, I’m not comfortable with you having to wear that to wait on tables.

Kimberly: Don’t worry Mom, I don’t have to wear it very long and I don’t have to wait on tables any more. I’m a dancer now.

Ed Calkins (talking to himself off set): I’m about to be censored here. Denise will never put this part up on her website and no body will read this part for a thousand years.

Chris: Kimberly, we can’t let you go out in public in a kilt so short.

 Kimberly: But Daaad, kilts are so expensive; I had to buy my own uniform, so I picked the shortest one.

Brian (still in his deep voice): There once was a sister name Kim

                                                     Who never would go to the gym…

Kimberly: Motheeeer, Brian’s making a limerick about me again.

Darlene: Brian, sweetly, quit being a little creep. Chris, handle our daughter’s dress code will you.

Brian: Aww mom, I wonder if Ed Calkins ever had this problem.

(Chris opens his wallet and gives Kimberly $20)

Darlene (To Chris): That’s you answer! You’re going to give 20 dollars to our daughter in hopes that she dress modestly? (Grabs a few 100s out of the wallet still open in his hand) Kilts are expensive!

Kimberly: Oh thank you mom. (Waving the bills behind her back at Melissa)

Melissa: Wait! You’ve explained nothing. What happen to you Kim the night you disappeared?

Kimberly (Turning to face Melissa): Remember the tour of the Simons estate. When I was looking at an upstairs window, thinking that the mansion was supposed to be deserted, I was a man smoking a pipe.

Melissa: john Simons!

Kimberly: No! It was someone important. I was sure of it. Like, the hair my neck stood up straight. As I looked at him, he was looking back…almost as if he was….

Melissa: Mentally undressing you?

Darlene: Melissa Marchellis!

Kimberly: More like he was mentally undressing me, then taking a pictures and arranging them in a spread. From that moment, every time I looked, I saw that man looking back at me smoking that pipe. I felt drawn to him. It was almost as if I could hear him saying “come to me Kimberly, I’ll make you a star.”

Melissa: Henry Matthews?

Kimberly: No, this guy was no fruit. I was sure it was someone contemporarily. I was sure it was…

Mellissa: Kellen Wechsler!

Kimberly: Hugh Hefner.

Melissa: That’s ridiculous. What would Hugh Hefner be doing in Munsonville and why would you care?

Kimberly: What he was dong was looking for me; to star in his magazine and become is wife. Why I would care is, the guys loaded and he’s 51. With the way he smokes and chases women, how much longer does he have? I made up my mind that I was going to meet him and become Mrs. Kimberly Hefner, queen of the playboy bunnies and richest woman alive.

Ed Calkins (still off set and still talking to himself.): another great story line that won’t be heard for a thousand years.

The entire cast: Do you mind! We’re trying to act!

 Melissa: So you knew right then that you were going in that mansion.

Brian: Mom, Snowball is hungry again.

Darlene: There’s milk in the saucer.

Brian: But Snowball wants real food.

Darlene: Again! Check the refrigerator. I put two pints of O type blood yesterday.

(Brian walks off stage with Snowball)

Kimberly: I was going to wait until the morning, but I kept thinking that he with all that smoke and being so old, he could die any minute. Then I was going to wait until you girls all went to sleep.

Brian (off stage): Mom, the blood bags are empty.

Chris (shaking his head): I’ll go to the blood bank tomorrow. Jeeze, I think I need to rob the place. How many families go through blood as quickly as we do?

Kimberly: But when that didn’t happen, I decided I waited long enough. I never expected you girls to follow and I didn’t want any competition so I dropped my flashlight and took running to the doorway.

(Brian walks in again with Snowball and a pin)

Brian: Snowball can’t wait. Who wants to give?

Kimberly: I was almost to the door when this old guy wearing a dress was walking around looking for his wife Bryony and carrying a Barbie doll. He said she was called something else these days, but he couldn’t remember her name.

Melissa: Now stop right there! It was almost a month later when I first met Ed Calkins. How could he be looking for me?

Kimberly: Ok, I’d have hoped not to explain this but…. You know that vampires can go back it time right? But they don’t go to the past as it was; they go to how it is now.

Melissa (uncomfortably): ah…I’ve heard that.

Kimberly: because if one were to go back in time as it was….one wouldn’t exist or would be as young as they were and wouldn’t know.

Melissa: But they can’t go in the future!

Kimberly: Well as it turns out, there’s three kinds of ‘pasts’: the past as it was, the past as it is now, and the past as Ed Calkins believes it was.

Melissa: Oh come on. You’re not going to tell me he gets away with this too.

Kimberly: and to Ed Calkins…

Melissa: the next 6 million years are all mapped out as if they’ve happen already.

Kimberly: So there was this dress dude who came back for his wife whose name he forgot on a day before he married her. And he’s like ‘I got to find her. I’m going to an ECPD and I need a wife to come.’ And I’m like…’Dude, I gotta meet Hefner before he dies and all his money goes to his daughter.’ And he’s like ‘whose this Hefner guy’ and I’m like “look up at the window man”. So he’s ‘This isn’t good and you should come with me. I’ll take you to a past that hasn’t happened yet.”

Melissa: Why are you talking so strangely? You’re more incoherent then usually.

Kimberly: yeah…that’s the future. Stupidity hasn’t been invented yet.

Darlene: I sure saw that coming.

Chris: What’s en ECPD?

Melissa and Kim: Ed Calkins Day Parade!

Darlene: Did you marry him?

Kimberly: Marry a man I just met? No. He did ask though. I didn’t marry him till a week later.

Chris: I’m glad one of our daughters has good sense!

Melissa (defensively): But she ended up marrying the same man I did!

Darlene: Fine example you’ve proven to be to your baby sister, young lady!

Kimberly:  So I got the part about no sex and no ceremony, but when he told me that no money was going to change hands, I told him, ‘forget it’.

Chris: very wise.

Kimberly: So he’s like ‘Don’t go in there cause that guy isn’t Hugh, it’s this bad guy Kellen Wechsler and I’m like whaaaat? And he’s like ‘just tell me what you want.’ And I’m like ‘I’m running away’ and he’s says I’ll adopt you instead. And I’m like whaaat? And he’s like come to this parade with me and I’ll if you still want to marry this Hugh Hefner guy, I’ll bring you right here one hour earlier than now. If you change your mind I’ll find you a better home’ And I’m like ‘is that Barbie doll for me?” and he’s like ‘it is now, are you coming’ and I’m like ‘a parade in the middle of the night in the future? Duh”

Melissa: He gave you my Barbie doll?

Brian (holding a pin to Chris’s arm): hold still

Chris (not talking his eyes off of Kim):  Ouch!

 (Snowball licks the blood)

Kimberly: So now we’re some time in the future In New Orleans, marching along these crowded streets of cheering festive people and Ed Calkins is waving at everyone, throwing candy at the smiling crowd and loving every minute of it. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that this wasn’t an ECPD, but a Madi Grai that happened to be on the 13^th of Feb and that people weren’t smiling and cheering at him, they were cheering because I took my top off. (Noticing Chris’s frown) …as the law in the future requires of young women.

Chris: those dang Democrats!

Darlene (shrugging): When in Rome…I suppose.

Kimberly; So anyway, I’m in the middle of this parade getting admired and the center of attention and all of the sudden this guy hands me a phone saying its ‘text message to me from Julie’s Wee Gee board.’

Chris: What’s a text message?

Kimberly: Apparently, phones don’t work as well in the future. You can’t just talk; you’ve got to type in what you want to say.

Darlene: The aftermath of WWIII

Chris: At least.  

Melissa: Hey! What did you mean by, “Broke”?

Kimberly: Well I was pretty drunk by then and you guys were asking all these stupid questions. Is anyone there? Duh!  Is the mansion haunted? Double Duh! Is the ghost John Simoms?  In my state, I couldn’t spell Hugh Hefner. And then you ask another stupid question and I just want to tell you ‘I’m Broke. Send money! But you guys hung up before I could spell it all out.

Darlene: No money, you poor dear. Fix it Chris.

Chris (to Kimberly): How old are you feeling?

Kimberly: seventeen and a half?

(Chris gives her fifty)

Kimberly: Oh thanks Daddy, you’re the best! (Waves the bills at Melissa behind her back) So anyway, the parade gets down and its time to go back, but I don’t want to go back and then this Ed Calkins guy decides he doesn’t want to adopt me any more so he tells me. ‘I’ll get you a motel room. Wait there and I’ll find you a home with less restrictive parents.

Melissa: And that’s my Mom and Chris?

Kimberly: So I’m not so sure because that Madi Grau was the best party I’d ever been to. But the next day, no one was around and I had nothing to do. So I turn on the TV set…

Chris: Do that still have TV in the future.

Kimberly: Yea…but they suck

Melissa: Why, not many channels

Kimberly: No. All kinds of channels, just no TV programs. Maybe no one can act in the future, but they must have lots of camera people. So you turn on the set and its all this reality TV were they film people doing things like shopping for dresses, cooking in restaurants, or starving on a desert island. Watching them you get a real idea of how crazy they are all the time. The whole thing made me want to go home to my perverted parents… You know that…

Chris: Kimberly, honey, I know you just came back from the future but in this time we don’t talk about sexual victimization by parents. We find it best just to pretend such things don’t exist.

Kimberly: Really, in the future they put you on TV. You do this Oparh show, where you talk all about it and people cry for you and clap.

Darlene (fearfully): Chris I’m wondering if our bomb shelter is big enough.

Chris: is there anything about the future that’s scary.

Kimberly: Yea! You know, all the boys wear earrings.

Chris: Oh dear…the Democrats take over!

Darlene: Chris, you better dug a deeper shelter, get more guns, and food enough for 12 years instead of two. This WWIII thing is sounding more scarier they we imaged.

Kimberly: Anyway that’s when I find out that my Hugh Hefner hangs on pass 80. Girls still marry him; he keeps them till they get old then dumps them on their twenty fourth birthday. I decide I’m ready to go back.

Brian: Snowball is still hungry. Melissa, I need some of your blood.

Melissa: Don’t stick me with that needle.

Brian: Aww come on Liz, just a little prick.

Kimberly: that reminds me, I have to call my boyfriend.

Melissa: Mom, can you get Brian away from me?

(Knock at the door)

Chris: Brian, why don’t you see who it is?

(Brian leaves the set. Mumbled words come from off set, the Brian returns with two roses and one Barbie doll)

Kimberly (taking a rose): I believe this is mine.

Melissa: How come you get a rose, and I get a doll.

Kimberly: Because I’m special!

Darlene: of course you are darling, but you never told us why you married Ed Calkins.

Melissa: Yeah did he agree to you two bit asking price?

Chris and Darlene (angry): Melissa!

Kimberly: No, but I needed a limerick for court when I got busted for solicitation.

Chris and Darlene (glaring at her)

Kimberly: …when I was…ah selling vacuum cleaners door to door. I didn’t know it was illegal and I really needed the money.

Darlene: poor girl. Chris gives her a few fifty dollar bills

Chris (already opening his wallet): I’m on it.

Darlene: Thanks daddy you’re the best! (Waving the bills behind her back at Melissa)

Melissa: Give me a break. In these modern times you’d be too young for Ed Calkins to marry you.

Kimberly: Yes, you’d be right except I really needed a limerick and couldn’t think of anything that rythmed with ‘Thomas’. I though I was cooked but then I see the man in the dress and something very strange happened. I feel my face started to crinkle up, and all my parts start to droop, and I get a sudden urge to knit and listen to classical music…

Brian: Wow, gross!

Kimberly: Yeah, I know right away that it’s the age inappropriate thing, but I’ve never gotten that old and I’m afraid I might die of old age. But Ed Calkins spots me and says “You don’t look so good now, maybe you’re desperate enough to marry me. I tell him he has to write a limerick first.”

Brian: Uch! How old were you?

Kimberly: Thirty one

 Melissa: Wow, that’s older then mom

Darlene: Drop it Melissa… 

Kimberly: and that’s just what Judge Thomas did! The limerick was so good; he told me I had time off on my next solicitation charge.

Melissa: Ed Calkins didn’t write me a limerick and I married him first!

Chris: Hey, Melissa, maybe both the rose and the doll are yours. I can think of anyone else…

Melissa (looking confused): definitely not, if I’m old enough for a rose, I wouldn’t need a doll (see’s her mother blushing)….Mom?

Kimberly and Brian: Mother!

Chris (shocked and hurt): Darlene, how could you? What about us?

Darlene (getting very angry): Don’t you ‘how could you’ me, Chris Smith! (Pulls out a copy of Bryony) We should have been married before Melissa left for school! I waited, you never asked! I hinted, you ignored my hints. I let you play ‘father’ to my children and let you be the family hero, but did you step up to the plate?

Chris (defensively): I was going to ask, I was just waiting for the right time, like when some terrible fire ruined the family legacy and you’d be more vulnerable thus more likely to say yes! I even bought a ring! I was going to give it to you the day the Mansion burned to the ground thus covering the fact that I’d never done any work because two vampires told me they intended to burn it after they have a huge fight over a beautiful host and one of them killed the other.

Melissa: So all this time you were supposed to be restoring…

Chris (more defensive): What would you do? Slave away at a structure you know is marked for vampire demolition?

Brian: Cool!

Darlene (slightly calmer):  What were you doing, instead of working?

Chris (nervously): playing bridge with vampires.

Darlene: What, you had time for vampires but not for planning a wedding?

Chris (begging): Honey, try to understand. I was going to ask as soon as the fire happened. But then these two guys start getting along. John Simmons starts thinking that if his wife can marry another vampire, maybe its ok for the guy that murdered him to take a bite out of his wife once in awhile and he can put off becoming a normal person. This Henry Mathews start thinking that maybe he doesn’t want to stop living just yet…and they put me off. They tell me, ‘today’s not such a good day to start a fire. Maybe next month. Then Ed Calkins shows up with our beautiful daughter, who has only the clothes on her back and no accessories….

(Kimberly flashes a diamond ring)

Chris: What did you expect me to do?

Kimberly (look underprivileged) Mommy, you’re not mad that I have your diamond ring, are you?

Darlene (eyes soften): No Darling, it looks lovely on you. (Eyes harden as she looks at Chris): But your sleeping on the couch! (Remembering her kids)….like you always do when you stay over, of course.

Melissa (thinking): But wait. Bridge is a four person game! Ed Calkins doesn’t play Bridge.

(Brian approaches Melissa with a needle.)

Chris (looking uncomfortable): We fake it. Anyone wants iron supplement pills.

Kimberly: yummy

Darlene: Do I ever!

(Chris pours pills into a bowl and everyone expect Brian and Snowball starts munching)

Brian: Come on Melissa. Give Snowball some blood. You haven’t given yet…

Melissa (still munching): Come off it, little brother, I won’t have enough blood for John Simmons….

(Every one looks at Melissa. Brian drops the pin. Everyone can hear it.)

Darlene (shocked): So you’re the beautiful host that those two vampires are fighting over. They were biting you right in this house and you never said anything.

Kimberly: John Simmons let you go back in time as his wife in exchange for your blood.

Chris (really angry): Well it’s over now, young lady. You’re time as a vampire’s harlot is over!

Darlene: Chris, that’s my daughter!

Chris: Well she’s a daughter that’s seen vampires for the last time. You are FORBIDEN from EVER letting a vampire bit you again. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

Melissa: What can I do? If John Simmons decides to bite me, how can I stop him? He was biting me before I knew it.

Darlene: Dear, you could stop asking for it.

Melissa: But that won’t change anything. If Simmons decides to be a gentleman, Masters could bite me.

Chris: Masters? The school teacher?

Melissa: He’s really Henry Mathews.

Chris and Darlene (pointing at Brian): You’re getting home schooled!

Brian: Boy, thanks a lot, sis.

Kimberly: to be fair, Masters is not a school teacher any more. He never was. The publishers thought it to risqué

(Darlene starts thumbing through her copy of Bryony.)

Chris: if he’s not a teacher, what does he do?

Kimberly: He’s a tattoo and piercing artist. He has a shop right in the mansion.

Chris: Tattoo parlor? There’s not a naval base or dock miles from here, how does he make a living?”

Kimberly: Its really big In the future. I’ve got two tattoos from Masters.

Brian and Chris: Gross!

Kimberly: Not really. (Moving her hair) see this butterfly on my neck?

Darlene: Its beautiful dear.

Melissa: where is the other one, sis?

Kimberly (looking uncomfortable)

Chris: Nice try changing subject, Melissa. But you are not to see those vampires again; I don’t care how far from here you run away!

 

Melissa (straightens herself and act older): Well, I feel a little age inappropriate right now and I’m 23 and old enough to decide who bites me and who doesn’t.

Chris (mock fascination): Really? That’s very interesting. Twenty three are you? We are you sixty four yet?

Melissa: I’m not that old.

Chris: Well that means you’re still GROUNDED!

(Melissa looking hopeful and starting to her er Kimberly’s room)

Darlene: How’s that going to help.

Chris (recovering from his mistake): …From playing with any of your toys

Brian: If Liz can’t play with em, can I play with her Barbie doll collection.

Chris, Melissa, Kimberly, and Darlene: NO!

Brian: Awww, why not?

Kimberly: cause it will make you weirder that you are ready are.

Chris: Boys don’t play with dolls, young man.

Brian: What if I call them ‘action figures’?

(Darlene looks questioningly at Chris)

Chris (pulls out a book ‘How to Raise a Young Republican’): Yeah…its all right if you use the figures to in act some kind of manly activity such as war.

Brian: What about the French Revolution?

Chris: That will work, sport.

Brian (grabbing a doll and speaking in a high voice): I’m Maria Antoinette. Let them eat cake.

Melissa: How does Brian know so much about the French Revolution?

Chris: I could make him a toy guillotine.

Darlene: Go ahead Chris. That will get you off stage, thus leaving a female perspective on an otherwise male bias society that women allow to give men the impression that they are in charge.

Brian (to his Barbie…er action figures): all of you harlots are going to the guilotine.

Chris (calling from off stage): you’re not going to say anything you wouldn’t say if I was there are you?

Darlene (calling out): No Dear. (To Kimberly and Melissa) I don’t know what got in to him. I’ve never seen him so angry before.

Kimberly: Maybe he’s jealous of Melissa, getting to live the high life in a time with wealth was so in fashion.

Darlene: I don’t think so dear. It can be hard to envy Melissa with how naïve she is at times.

Melissa (very upset):

Kimberly: well, I don’t envy Liz. Does she think she’s the only doing a thing with a vampire. How do you think I paid for those tattoos?

Melissa (clearly unhappy):

Kimberly: That’s right, Liz. Mathews is biting me. He bit you once. He bites me almost every night. And to inspire him, I wear this to bed (taking off her jacket to reveal a hot pink t shirt with “Bite Me” in bold print.) What do you think of that?

Darlene: Very sexy Kim…a little forward, but very sexy

Melissa (trying to upset Kimberly in retaliation): Kim, does it bother you that our mother is a sexual woman.

Kimberly: Melissa, that’s just gross. Women that old don’t think of such things. Besides our mom is too vanilla

Melissa: What does ice cream have to do with this?

Darlene (hurt): You realize I’m in a relationship with Chris, right?

Kimberly (laughing): Yea, he cooks for you every night. (Swishing her wrist)

Darlene: That’s because he’s a liberated man. I am sleeping with him, you know!

Melissa: Mother!

Kimberly: Sure you are. He’s as gay as a blade.

Melissa: He is not!

Kimberly: Let me wise you up, little girl. A man doesn’t give you a ring like this (flashing it) without expecting sex, unless he’s gay. Mom’s too straight laced to know any better and you’re naïve. Read the book flap.

Melissa: but he’s your father!

Darlene (whispering to Melissa): don’t go there. See why we adopted her.

Kimberly: and what father buys his daughter a diamond ring unless his gay or doing her.

Melissa (whispering back): I’m beginning to, but this part of the play won’t be acted for a thousand years.

Darlene: But I go to bed with him every night! I’m not married to him and I’m sleeping with him.

Kimberly: Yea? When is the last time you went to bed with him…?

Darlene: Last night!

Kimberly: …and didn’t sleep?

Darlene:

Melissa: Mom?

Brian (tying the ‘action figures’ wrists behind their backs with rubber bands and speaking falsetto): Unhand me you vile beast!

Darlene: Ed Calkins is biting me!

Kimberly (shaking her head in denial): No…no I can’t handle that.

Darlene (looking dreamy): Its true! I go back in time to be the Celtic Queen Boudicca. I get to sleep with kings, ride in a chariot, and hack down Roman soldiers!

Kimberly: this can’t be. Melissa, fit this.

Melissa: maybe she just thinks he’s biting her. The guy makes ever one crazy.

Darlene: and in my other life, I got two real daughters how know how to handle a man…

Kimberly and Melissa: Mother!

Darlene: on the battle field or in bed and men in that time don’t fall asleep on you!

Kimberly: Too much information.

Melissa (calling off stage): Censors? Can we get some black ink over here?

(Voice for off set): handle it, we just do the lighting!

Melissa: Wait a minute. Ed Calkins might marry at the drop of a hat, but he only bites armed police women.

Darlene (smiles broadly and reaches in her purse while her daughters look horrified. She puts out hand cuffs, then a police cap, a riot baton, then a pistol, and finally a toy store police badge. Then she speaks impishly twirling the baton): who do you think wrote him that ticket! Now who’s jealous?

Kimberly: Oh no!

Melissa: Just because she acts like a police women doesn’t mean Ed Calkins bites her?

Darlene: Oh yea? Then why would he buy me this (Takes of her overcoat revealing a green t shirt with larger print “I’ve Been Bitten By Ed Calkins/ Steward of Tara/ Ruthless Dictator” then turns her back to reveal “Bryony/ It’s all about me”

Kimberly: I can’t handle this.

Brian (falsetto): Commoners! You can’t handle the true! (In a deep voice pounding the floor with his fist): Guilty! Off with their harlot heads.

Darlene: You can keep the diamond ring dear, I’ll take my chariot any day.

Kimberly: Well, I’m not jealous because I’m not just being bitten by Mathews; I’m also getting done by Simmons

Darlene: You son of a…! That’s my vampire, my mansion, my servants, my garden, and I’m the only Bryony!

Brian (Calling of stage.) Hurry up with the guillotine, Chris. The audience is impatient to understand the title of this thing

Kimberly (mocking): Such a righteous girl! You think I get the same as you. I’m not John Simmons’ wife, I’m his madam! That’s right! All those women he cheats on you with; I supply them. Do you think all the money he makes only provides for a single mansion far off in the country? I own whole islands for the money I make on your husbands hunger. What was he supposed to do when you went away, huh? Actual he’s glad you’re gone becomes he doesn’t have to hid seeing me.

Melissa (enraged, putting out a pistol, and pushing it against Kim’s forehead.): You little slut!

Brian (pulling a wagon and roughly tossing the ‘action figures’ on it): (falsetto): This is my kingdom (deep voice) Shut up you little slut, Time for the chopping block

 Darlene (very loud): Children! Enough! What did I tell you about guns? Huh?

Kimberly (sheepishly): That they don’t kill people.

Melissa (hanging her head and dropping her hand holding the pistol): That guns don’t kill people, jealous teenagers kill people.

Darlene: And how do we stop teenagers from killing people.

Kimberly: We bring back the death penalty?

Darlene: And?

 

Melissa: We give everyone a gun.

Darlene (handing Kimberly an assault riffle.): There you go sweetheart.

Melissa: Oh brother.

Darlene: There, see how it works.

(Kimberly sprays a round and Melissa drives for cover.)

Darlene: Kimberly! Don’t you know better? Squeeze the trigger, don’t pull it.

Kimberly: Yes mother. (Continues firing while Melissa returns fire from behind the couch.)

Brian (falsetto): My courage will not fail so close to my troubles end! (Deep voice): Shut up slut, its time to lose your head! Ouch! You stepped on my toe!

Melissa (still firing): How did he learn so much about Maria Antoinette?

Chris (still off stage): I’ve got it. It should be just the right toy for chopping of action figure heads.

Kimberly: Daddy, Liz is shooting at me!

Chris (Enters the stage and gives Brian the toy gulitone. He’s wear a hot pink shirt that say “Bite Me” just like Kimberly): YOU LITTLE SLUT!

(Chris pull out pistol and starts shooting, Darlene does the same with the pistol in her purse.)

Brian (puts action figure in guillotine): Take that you little slut! (Pulls lever and blade comes down. Action figure hear rolls across floor)

Chris: At Kimberly, who he’s shooting at): You think I’m going to spend my whole life fixing broke doors and windows. Oscar Wild was teaching me how to act. I was to be the first Rock Hudson!

Darlene (lights a flare and waves it around): STOP THIS! LOOK AT US!

(Guns fall silent)

Darlene: Don’t you see what’s happening here? We’re letting the vampires not only take our blood, but our home, our family, our future, and our very lives. Look at us fighting over them. They should be fighting over us. We’ve become so focused on the imaginary lives they bring us to, that Melissa drops out of college, Kim settles for being a stripper, I sleep with a man that won’t marry me, and Chris doesn’t restore the Mansion he’s paid to restore. And why would the vampires do anything differently when we’re willingly providing them with all the blood they could ever want?

(Chris, Kimberly, and Melissa think while another action figure’s head rolls on the floor)

Kimberly: So we should put the guns away and stop trying to kill each other?

Darlene: That would be a start.

Chris: and then?

Darlene: We all give blood just the way we’ve been doing it. I’m burning Camulodunum down to its foundation tomorrow.

Kimberly (To Melissa as she puts her arm around her and walks towards the room): What do you say to my giving Mathews blood tonight and you can feed Simmons?

 Melissa: What about Chris?

Kimberly: Hell, they’ll both bite him later (swishing her wrists) what do you expect from vampires that wear ruffles shirts?

Brian (finished beheading the last action figure): Mom, Snowball is still hungry, can we go to Julies were I can watch Snowball chase her around?

Chris (puts his arm around Darlene): What about the restraining order?

Darlene: I’m taking on the whole Roman legions, Chris. Do you think I care? (To Brian): Do what you want Honey, Chris and I are going to bed.

(Brian and Snowball are left alone on the stage. Snowball smiles revealing fangs.)