A couple weeks ago, Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, (finally) sent the third installment to his epic limerick, which is very loosely based on several of the characters in Staked! the third novel in the BryonySeries trilogy.
For those needing to catch up, here are the links to parts one and two:
http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/03/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-no-one.html
http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/04/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-part.html
For those who have no idea who Ed Calkins is, read this primer:
https://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2017/04/steward-setback-saturday-twenty.html
And, of course, I am MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)
For your amusement, I've included the installment along with the contents of Ed's most recent telegram. And the "panel" which he refers at the end has to do with this year's Calkins Day event (to which you are all invited.
More on the event later! :)
Dear MOMI,
I promise this thing has an ending
somewhere but right now, I'm feeling a little like Capt. O' Windfree. This
unfinished 'epic poem' has been sitting on my hard drive and I've been telling
myself to ignore it and it will go away. It hasn't. I then tell myself, 'just
finish it by getting to the point', but there is no point.
The
poet tries to blame a Muse
Twelve
Muses cast their craft willy-nilly
But
this epic has gone from unlikely to silly
Seems
I met number thirteen
And
she’s making me scream
Cause
she’s pulling me by what’s behind my own willy
Seems
she’s the very muse of derange
Of
two meetings she has put in my range
Both
on O’Windfree’s own ship
But
her pulling, I can’t skip
Here’s
where the whole tale starts to get strange
Next
morning, O’Windfree told the crew
Of
the new plan that Ed already knew
A
place called Egypt they were near
Which
would trade their wares for beer
But
the next part he didn’t have a clue
(Before
the recovery movement or 12 step programs, self help groups were very different
The
captain and crew have their Tuesday night meeting about their strange diet).
But
when the foursome where away for awhile
Captain
and crew had a meeting quite vile
See,
the Irish have an affliction
We
are prone to addiction
All
while floating down the river of denial
Said
the Captain, “Welcome to the non-cannibal meeting.
“We
reassure each other and there plenty of seating,
that
they will remember in song
that
we did nothing wrong
But
we also must choose who next we are eating”
“I
should start this meeting with good news
None
here at this meeting will draw straws and lose
Both
the captain and crew
Have
delivered two new
And
for our next meal between the two we choose.”
“Look,
If we were thieves, we would rob them
If
we were from Sodom we’d nob them
And
I hope to make plain
That
each should explain
how
we don’t have a people-eating problem”
“I’ll
go first cause I’m feeling quite shoddy
I
brought the women name “O” who’s a hottie.
She’s
both funny and sweet
But
I see her as meat
But
I not the first to only want her body.”
I’ll
go next cause I’m Jim the first mate
Let’s
remember how we got this fate
Lost
at sea for thirty days
With
out food or any ways
To
fish for food without nets or bait
“The
next week we tried anything that we could
Rats,
bedbugs, leather, cloth, flies, and even wood.
But
Matt’s life starvation halted
And
It’s he that should be faulted
Because
when we ate he tasted so good”
Then
each one here and not had agreed
That
empty bellies, thirty days didn’t need.
And
as soon as Matt’s meat
The
whole crew finished to eat
We
would draw straws on who next to feed.
After
the next meal we did the fleet proud
By
deciding that eating crew was allowed
Since
then all agreed with our law
Expect
the one drawing the short straw.
Gees
there always just one in a crowd
THEN KIRK SHARES HIS 'NOT A CANNIBAL' IDEA
It’s
not my name but they call me ‘Cannibal Kirk’.
It’s
not true but I’m known as a jerk
But
my public service,
Makes
the lazy nervous.
I
only eat people who wouldn’t be showing for work.
BOB GOES NEXT
My
name’s Bob and I’m not being malicious
But
of the losers complaining I’m suspicious
They
say they’re not into vore
And
they’d like to live more
But
then why did they get so delicious
THEN THE COOK HAS HIS OWN IDEA
I’m
Chef David and you don’t have a clue
Cause
I’m different and smarter then all you
With
your life chances you took
But
you wouldn’t cook the cook
If
a short straw I draw you’ll all want to redo
So
I’ll tell you the of our food inventory
It’s
a plain tail that tells the whole story
Tomorrow
part of a thigh
And
tonight, kidney pie
And
it the last of meat from young Laurie
Perhaps
two days is too far to look ahead
Future
meals you don’t worry about when you’re fed
With
the planning I cursed by
More
cooking fat has the first guy.
The
one the uneatable wood sprite call Uncle Ed
MEANWHILE, A MORE IMPORTANT MEETING...
While
the crew talked of who they’d be eating
The
remaining had their own book club meeting.
They
discussed far future writing
And
found three so exciting
That
they made “O” list for future summer reading
The
cliff hanger is; what three books got chosen?
Ruthlessly Yours,
Ed Calkins
P.S,
I look forward to being on the panel the next Calkins day
