The official blog of Denise M. Baran-Unland, author. Discover her books for all ages at bryonyseries.com.
Thursday, July 31, 2025
Wednesday, July 30, 2025
Sue's Diner: Lemon Drop Cakes
Here's a light, refreshing dessert that holds up in the summer heat, while giving everyone a break from frozen desserts.
This week's recipe for lemon drop cakes is referenced in the BryonySeries novel Bryony, where these lemon drop cakes appeared on the buffet table at the Harrington ball.
John placed a glass of punch into Melissa’s hand and piled her plate with slices of cold beef, several tiny biscuits, miniature lemon and coconut cakes, and a mound of plum preserves.
We adapted our recipe from Miss Beecher’s domestic receiptbook: designed as a supplement to her Treatise on domestic economy, which is a real nineteenth century cookbook, for use in the modern kitchen.
This recipe also appears in the BryonySeries cookbook Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles from "Bryony," which is a permanent fundraiser for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties.
You can try the recipe for lemon drop cakes on the Sue's Diner page on the BryonySeries website.
But try the recipe this week. It will be gone some time next week. A new recipe will take it's place.
If you have any troubleshooting questions or comments, email us at bryonyseries@gmail.com.
By the way, Sue's Diner is only real in the BryonySeries world. But didn't Timothy do a great job making the page look like a real menu at a vintage diner?
Here is the full diner page: bryonyseries.com/sue-s-diner. You can't really order, of course (wouldn't it be great if you could?).
For more BryonySeries recipes, check out our three cookbooks at our BryonySeries bryonyseries.com/general-store.
Tuesday, July 29, 2025
BryonySeries: The Adventures of Cornell Dyer
The BryonySeries world of phantasmic books has several subseries, one of them being The Adventures of Cornell Dyer.
These are short chapter books for ages eight and up about a supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer, who travels around the country in his motor home solving supernatural mysteries. He also really likes food (especially junk food), is good at "persuading" clients to clean his motor home and wash his backed-up laundry, and insists people call him "Professor."
The series has two taglines, invented by Timothy.
"Join the incredible, impossible,
and marvelous Cornell Dyer as he unravels mysteries, untangles myths, and
decides what to have for lunch."
Or "the greater the mystery, the bigger the lunch."
But how did Cornell Dyer come to be?
Cornell first appeared as a man in his fifties in the latter part of of his sleuthing career in "Visage," the second book in the BryonySeries youing adult vampire trilogy.
The reader's first impression of Cornell comes from his wife Katie's description of him in a conversation with her former high school friend Melissa, who has just graduated from college.
“Believe it or not, my parents are
letting us keep the motor home in the back yard.”
“You’re kidding!”
“Nope. They seemed pretty upset
about it at first, but they changed their minds when they saw how happy I am.”
“Are you happy?”
“Of course, silly. I can’t wait for
you guys to meet my husband. I’m sure he will have lots in common with John.
Cornell’s a professor, too.”
“He is?” Melissa wondered if Julie
had not given her prejudiced information about Katie’s situation. “What kind of
professor?”
“He’s a professor of the esoteric.”
“The what!”
“The esoteric. You know, the
occult.”
“I know what esoteric means,”
Melissa said, losing patience with her old friend. “Katie, you can’t be
serious.”
Katie giggled. “I sure am. Not only
is he smart, he’s very compassionate, which is why we travel around the
country. That’s all Cornell does is help people, kind of like an old-fashioned
medicine man. He goes from place to place teaching people about the mystical
world they can’t see and fixing their problems.”
This last statement did it for Melissa. “He solves their problems? For free?”
“Big problems, little problems; it doesn’t matter to Cornell. He just likes doing good for people. Sometimes all a person needs is a charm to get that job promotion, but other times the problem is more serious, like when an evil spirit haunts a house. Cornell will go in there and get rid of it.”
And Cornell advertises his business directly on the motor home:
Amateurish paintings of astrologic symbols, hexagrams, and magic wands covered the motor home’s white exterior. A sign painted across one side read: The Thaumaturgical World of Professor Cornell Dyer: Amulets, Fortune-Telling (with and without cards), Ghost-Hunting, Horoscopes, Numerology, Palm-Reading, Potions, Séances, Spells, and Vampire-Slaying.
Cornell Dyer was such a fun character that I partnered with Timothy and Sue Midlock to respectively create stories concepts and art (cover art, chapter heading art, and branding logo) for the BryonySeries subseries The Adventures of Cornell Dyer.
These short chapter books for ages eight and up share some of Cornell's adventures as he solves one mystery at a time (all before Cornell's time in "Visage").
Although Timothy is the storytelling consultant, Rebekah stepped into that role for one book ("Mistical" Being), which was actually the prototype for the rest of this subseries.
Here are the published titles (so far). Timothy presented me with a list of fifty or so a few years ago, so we won't run out of ideas anytime soon.
Cornell Dyer and the Missing Tombstone
A tombstone with a Viking helmet engraving vanishes. Mysterious brown-outs plague a seacoast village. Supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer is certain the historical society leader knows more than he is telling.
Will Cornell learn the secrets and stop the curse?
Cornell Dyer and the Necklace of Forgetfulness
A heartbroken lover wants to forget. Supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer desperately tries to solve a mystery as his memory vanishes. Meanwhile, he keeps showing up at places he's certain are clues but can't recall how or why he arrived.
In this "back to front" story, Cornell races his fading mind to save the day - but which will win?
Cornell Dyer and the Eerie Lake
A cry for help. A glowing green ball. An old tired town with a mysterious old dump. A tale of heartbreak. Before supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer can figure out the questions, one man disappears and another dies.
To find the answers, Cornell must cross the lake - but all who tried never came back. Will Cornell survive and solve the mystery?
Cornell Dyer and the Never Robbers
Cornell is certain soot, a tire swing, and his first unsolved case are somehow connected. But will he solve the mystery before he fades from memory?
Cornell Dyer and the Flu
It’s Christmas Eve and a very sick Cornell Dyer is stuck in the hospital, frustrated because he can’t find the vending machine and because he’s too sick to solve his latest supernatural mystery.
Another patient tries to help Cornell, not with food and medicine, but with a journey into realms Cornell doesn’t want to go.
Cornell Dyer and the Whispering Wardrobe
While investigating a home with mysterious whispers, supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer stumbles upon its source: an antique wardrobe in a room all by itself. But when Cornell steps inside, he discovers the wardrobe is more than a wardrobe and a whisper is more than a whisper.
Even if Cornell solves the mystery, will he ever go home?
Cornell Dyer and the Old Folks Home
Cornell Dyer needs a break from solving supernatural mysteries. So he heads to Paradise Falls for a well-deserved vacation at a beach resort, where he meets another sleuth as skilled as he. But dark secrets can lurk even in a sunny paradise, secrets the tanned and energetic natives don’t want him to know.
It takes two to solve the mystery – but will the sleuthing team live that long?
Cornell Dyer and the "Mistical" Being
When asked to banish ghosts in a backyard lake, supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer encounters one mystery after another: a ghostly mist with eyes, a ghost town, and a town that keeps changing its name.
Delving into each one will change Cornell's life. Is he ready?
Cornell Dyer and the Calcium Deficient Bones
When supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer finds himself between sleuthing jobs, he fills the time by teaching science while the real teacher is ill. But in a school that’s supposedly getting remodeled, Cornell encounters one mystery after another: vanishing classroom skeletons, plants that come and go, and a piano for every student.
Cornell is certain his classroom holds the answer – and that he is one of the clues.
Cornell Dyer and the Howls of Basketville
Howls. Shadows. Disappearances.
Something is roaming the run-down town of Basketville, Michigan, and Detective Sherman Homes is struggling to connect the dots. So he asks supernatural super sleuth Cornell Dyer for help - but the mystery bites back.
Brains or beast: which will win?
Cornell Dyer and the House of Horreur (Available late 2025 or early 2026.
Monday, July 28, 2025
Birthday Gift From Mom
So the birthday gift my mother sent for my birthday on July 15 arrived on July 22, which was frustrating to her and less so with me, since I had surgery on July 17 and that week was a blur of pre-op preparation.
But she followed the tracking with periodic text updates to me as to its location, with the final one being in our parcel box. So Rebekah brought in the box, which contained a cat and dog T-shirt and a pawprint coffee mug.
I asked Rebekah to snap a photo to text to my mother, which she did, shaking her head at our lived-in background and foreground: box that held the gifts, one purse, a bag of supplies on the table, a box that held the large sign now at The Book Market in Crest Hill that needs a home in the garage, a dog toy, Rebekah's tumbler collection on top of the "five minutes of kindness" cabinet, and bare walls since we are still "moving in" four years later.
Nothing is filtered, nothing is altered. Just one post-surgical moment in time and two birthday gifts that made the trek across the country from intention to recipient, with a smile and thankfulness sent back in return.
May you know both giving and recieving today - and may both make you smile.
Happy Monday!
Sunday, July 27, 2025
Saturday, July 26, 2025
Friday, July 25, 2025
Story Round-Up: Features in The Herald-News, July 19 through July 25
Good morning!
I have eight news and feature stories to share with you today at the bottom of this post (all written before surgery last week). More stories may go live this weekend.
So be sure to check back on The Herald-News site: shawlocal.com/the-herald-news.
Before the stories I also have a list of additional updates, resources, and information. Please check them out, too.
And if you'd like to find more kindness in your life, consider this book.
And have a great Friday!
Events (or where to find the BryonySeries)
The BryonySeries will be appearing at three events in August: Kidz Fest (Aug. 2), New Orleans North (Aug. 15) and Porch and Park Festival (Aug. 16).
When I say "BryonySeries" that could mean me or any combination of our team members. That depends on my recovery from surgery. Stay tuned!
I'm also hoping to schedule Bertrand's Back-To-School bash in late August in honor of Bertrand's birthday and his mission to bring the joys of reading to children. But that, too, depends on my recovery.
What is the BryonySeries?
BryonySeries books-in-progress
Bertrand the Mouse: We have plenty of Bertrand photos and ideas. Several are at the top of the list. That's all I'm saying for now.
The Adventures of Cornell Dyer: Cornell Dyer and the House of Horreur" (because the toymaker's last name is "Horreur.") is stalled until Timothy finished his master's degree, which he did. So now we just have to stop having family emergencies (they just keep coming) and carve some time for a Cornell breakfast (it's been three years since our last one, way, way too long). I'm having surgery July 17, so I'm hoping we can make that happen before then, just to get the process moving and give Sue Midlock ideas for art (she illustrates all the Cornell books).
Brainy Ann: The fifth book in The Girls of the BryonySeries is outlined and the first chapter is written, hurray! Jennifer Wainwright, who welcomed her first child into the world last year, is nearly done with the cover portrait. I let this book slide for other BryonySeries projects...and I'm still letting it (overall) slide, I'm afraid. But I'm hoping to finish the book this year, fingers crossed.
Jennifer designed the cover portraits for "Julie and the Too-Hard Homework," "Katie and the Big Fear," "Summer Sisters." and "Karla Joins In," as well as the frontispiece for "Lycanthropic Summer."
Other books: I am not writing a novel this year. But I have an idea for a BryonySeries Christmas anthology that I'd like to release in 2026.
Rebekah is also slowly (very, very slowly) updating the BryonySeries YouTube and Pinterest accounts. And she' catching up with Kindles for some of the BryonySeries books. So do watch for those.
For books and more information about the series, visit bryonyseries.com.
RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Sue's Diner is a fictional restaurant in the fictional Munsonville that only exists in the BryonySeries.
Each Wednesday, we post a new recipe. The recipe is either featured in one of our cookbooks, will be featured in an upcoming cookbook, or is just an "extra" we want to share with you.
Check out the weekly recipe here.
WRITERS
If you'd like to officially join WriteOn Joliet, we have two tiers of dues and two ways to attend meetings. We also have a marketing arm that's getting longer every year. Check us out at writeonjoliet.com.
Daily updates: I haven't posted anything on Twitter/X (except a daily Bible verse) since September I can no longer schedule posts in advance. I'm not sure yet how to manage the account without that option. But you're welcome to follow me at @Denise_Unland61.
BryonySeries stuff: I used to curated content relating to the BryonySeries on Twitter/X at @BryonySeries and still post assorted related content at facebook.com/BryonySeries, youtube.com/user/BryonySeries, and themes of each book in the BryonySeries at pinterest.com/bryonyseries.
Again, not sure yet about the direction of the BryonySeries Twitter/X account. Still mulling that over.
And of course, please follow the adventures of Bertrand the Mouse on Instagram at bertrand_bryonyseries.
QUESTIONS
Email me at bryonyseries@gmail.com.Thank you for reading The Herald-News. And for reading this blog. And if you've read (or plan to read) any of my books. Your support is greatly appreciated.
FEATURES
‘Cars Behind Bars’ at Old Joliet Prison a fundraiser for
local museum
Organizers seeking show vehicles
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/18/cars-behind-bars-to-support-old-joliet-prison/
Joliet West alum’s basketball clinic focuses on mental
health as well as physical performance
Includes school supplies giveaway
New Joliet health and rec center for veterans opening this
week
Joliet restaurant hosting back-to-school event
Event will include the giveaway of 200 backpacks
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/20/joliet-restaurant-hosting-back-to-school-event/
Joliet’s First Secure Bank celebrates 7 years in community
Descendants of Goose Lake cabin founder gather at historic
replica
The Burgess family descended from Englishman John Cragg
Joliet senior living community offering tours
Will County Pets of the Week: July 21, 2025
Will County rescues have dogs and cats for adoption
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/21/will-county-pets-of-the-week-july-21-2025/
Illustration by Matt Coundiff for "Visage"
Thursday, July 24, 2025
Wednesday, July 23, 2025
Sue's Diner: Apple Ice
This week's recipe is a nineteenth century apple ice, which can't get simpler than this: just two ingredients, no cooking, and few directions.
Apple ice is perfect for the current heat wave, while using up any extra apples lurking inside your refrigerator.
This recipe appears in the BryonySeries cookbook: Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles from "Bryony," which is a permanent fundraiser for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties.
Several older ladies from church were discussing the latest corsets, so Melissa decided to join them. Henry Matthews, plate in hand, followed like an obedient puppy. He placed her food before her, sat beside her, and offered a glass. “I brought you an ice.”
With a frustrated sigh, Melissa accepted it, took a taste, then pointed her spoon at his nose. “Can’t you take a hint?”
This recipe for apple ice is adapted from Miss Beecher’s domestic receiptbook: designed as a supplement to her Treatise on domestic economy.
You can try our modified recipe on the Sue's Diner page on the BryonySeries website.
But try the recipe this week. It will be gone some time next week. A new recipe will take it's place.
If you have any troubleshooting questions or comments, email us at bryonyseries@gmail.com.
Here is the full diner page: bryonyseries.com/sue-s-diner.
All proceeds from "Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles From 'Bryony'" benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties at bbbswillgrundy.org.
Order the cookbook at bryonyseries.com.
Tuesday, July 22, 2025
Monday, July 21, 2025
Sunday, July 20, 2025
Saturday, July 19, 2025
Friday, July 18, 2025
Story Round-Up: Features in The Herald-News, July 5 through July 18
Good afternoon!
I have ten news and feature stories to share with you today at the bottom of this post. More stories will go live this weekend.
So be sure to check back on The Herald-News site: shawlocal.com/the-herald-news.
Before the stories I also have a list of additional updates, resources, and information. Please check them out, too.
And if you'd like to find more kindness in your life, consider this book.
And have a great Friday!
Events (or where to find the BryonySeries)
The BryonySeries will be appearing at three events in August: Kidz Fest (Aug. 2), New Orleans North (Aug. 15) and Porch and Park Festival (Aug. 16).
When I say "BryonySeries" that could mean me or any combination of our team members. That depends on my recovery from surgery. Stay tuned!
I'm also hoping to schedule Bertrand's Back-To-School bash in late August in honor of Bertrand's birthday and his mission to bring the joys of reading to children. But that, too, depends on my recovery.
What is the BryonySeries?
BryonySeries books-in-progress
Bertrand the Mouse: We have plenty of Bertrand photos and ideas. Several are at the top of the list. That's all I'm saying for now.
The Adventures of Cornell Dyer: Cornell Dyer and the House of Horreur" (because the toymaker's last name is "Horreur.") is stalled until Timothy finished his master's degree, which he did. So now we just have to stop having family emergencies (they just keep coming) and carve some time for a Cornell breakfast (it's been three years since our last one, way, way too long). I'm having surgery July 17, so I'm hoping we can make that happen before then, just to get the process moving and give Sue Midlock ideas for art (she illustrates all the Cornell books).
Brainy Ann: The fifth book in The Girls of the BryonySeries is outlined and the first chapter is written, hurray! Jennifer Wainwright, who welcomed her first child into the world last year, is nearly done with the cover portrait. I let this book slide for other BryonySeries projects...and I'm still letting it (overall) slide, I'm afraid. But I'm hoping to finish the book this year, fingers crossed.
Jennifer designed the cover portraits for "Julie and the Too-Hard Homework," "Katie and the Big Fear," "Summer Sisters." and "Karla Joins In," as well as the frontispiece for "Lycanthropic Summer."
Other books: I am not writing a novel this year. But I have an idea for a BryonySeries Christmas anthology that I'd like to release in 2026.
Rebekah is also slowly (very, very slowly) updating the BryonySeries YouTube and Pinterest accounts. And she' catching up with Kindles for some of the BryonySeries books. So do watch for those.
For books and more information about the series, visit bryonyseries.com.
RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Sue's Diner is a fictional restaurant in the fictional Munsonville that only exists in the BryonySeries.
Each Wednesday, we post a new recipe. The recipe is either featured in one of our cookbooks, will be featured in an upcoming cookbook, or is just an "extra" we want to share with you.
Check out the weekly recipe here.
WRITERS
If you'd like to officially join WriteOn Joliet, we have two tiers of dues and two ways to attend meetings. We also have a marketing arm that's getting longer every year. Check us out at writeonjoliet.com.
Daily updates: I haven't posted anything on Twitter/X (except a daily Bible verse) since September I can no longer schedule posts in advance. I'm not sure yet how to manage the account without that option. But you're welcome to follow me at @Denise_Unland61.
BryonySeries stuff: I used to curated content relating to the BryonySeries on Twitter/X at @BryonySeries and still post assorted related content at facebook.com/BryonySeries, youtube.com/user/BryonySeries, and themes of each book in the BryonySeries at pinterest.com/bryonyseries.
Again, not sure yet about the direction of the BryonySeries Twitter/X account. Still mulling that over.
And of course, please follow the adventures of Bertrand the Mouse on Instagram at bertrand_bryonyseries.
QUESTIONS
Email me at bryonyseries@gmail.com.Thank you for reading The Herald-News. And for reading this blog. And if you've read (or plan to read) any of my books. Your support is greatly appreciated.
FEATURES
Will County Head Start responds to Trump administration’s
exclusion of undocumented kids in program
Head Start doesn’t ask for children’s immigration status
Shorewood distribution center laying off 150 employees
Joliet nonprofit Including You to host family festival at
Bicentennial Park
Includes entertainment, kids activities, vendors, speciality
drinks
Register now for ‘Marching into Mondays’ at Workforce Center
of Will County
Kiddie Academy looks to expand to Lockport
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/13/kiddie-academy-looks-to-expand-to-lockport/
Shorewood issues 4 new business licenses
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/13/shorewood-issues-4-new-business-licenses/
Where to dine with dogs in Will County
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/13/where-to-dine-with-dogs-in-will-county/
Joliet gallery opens new ‘satirical’ cartoon collage exhibit
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/11/new-exhibit-at-joliet-gallery-opens-saturday/
Home-based business in Shorewood baking up traditional
bagels
Will County Pets of the Week: July 14, 2025
Will County rescues have dogs and cats for adoption
https://www.shawlocal.com/the-herald-news/2025/07/14/will-county-pets-of-the-week-july-14-2025/
Illustration by Matt Coundiff for "Visage"
Thursday, July 17, 2025
Wednesday, July 16, 2025
Sue's Diner: Chicken Salad and Crackers
This week's recipe for chicken salad and crackers was mentioned in the first book in the BryonySeries "drop of blood" trilogy: Bryony.
In chapter twenty-one John apologized to Melissa for his coldness by scheduling a large garden party where she could play gracious hostess. One of the items served was chicken salad with crackers.
Our recipe is adapted from one that appeared in the nineteenth century cookbook Miss Beecher’s domestic receiptbook: designed as a supplement to her Treatise on domestic economy.
This chicken salad and homemade crackers recipe also appears in the BryonySeries cookbook Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles from "Bryony," which is a permanent fundraiser for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties.
You may try the recipe for chicken salad and crackers on the Sue's Diner page on the BryonySeries website.
But try the recipe this week. It will be gone some time next week. A new recipe will take it's place.
If you have any troubleshooting questions or comments, email us at bryonyseries@gmail.com.
Here is the full diner page: bryonyseries.com/sue-s-diner.
All proceeds from "Memories in the Kitchen: Bites and Nibbles From 'Bryony'" benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters of Will and Grundy Counties at bbbswillgrundy.org.
Order the cookbook at bryonyseries.com.
Tuesday, July 15, 2025
"It's Better to Light One Candle Than to Curse the Darkness"
When my oldest son Christopher was born in 1982, we found some inspirational pamphlets in the back of our chufch by an organization called The Christophers.
We thought it was a good idea to collect them for him to enjoy when he was older. So we wrote to the organization, and it began to send them to us in the mail whenever it released a new one.
The Christophers had a motto that has always stayed with me: "It's better to light one candle than to curse the darkness."
Isn't that a lovely thought?
Lighting one candle doesn't dispel the darkness in the world.
But it can light up a room enough to see.
To view those pamphlets, visit christophers.org/news-notes.
Happy Tuesday!
Monday, July 14, 2025
Photo Recap: BryonySeries at Bicentennial Park's Independence Celebration on July 3
For the third year in a row, the BryonySeries team organized and ran free children's games witih free prizes at the Billie Limacher Bicentennial Park Theatre's annual Independence Celebration on July 3.
During these past three years, the team has seen the event grow from a one-tent idea with a spinning wheel for a BryonySeries book giveaway and Bozo buckets to three tents with six games and a variety of merchandize and giveaways as well as BryonySeries and WriteOn Joliet books for sale.
Once families realized we this game tent was available, we were full all night. If the photos doesn't quite show the "fullness," it's because the only time any of us could take photos was during the lull.
We already full of plans for improving the flow, games, and recruiting more volunteers (we were very short-staffed). Special thanks for WriteOn Joliet member Mauverneen Blevins who stopped by our booth and decided to stay and help out!
We had 135 books for adults and kids (mostly kids) to give away with the spinning wheel and at least 120 were distributed (not sure yet of the total amount).
Yes, we are very thankful.
But for today, enjoy a baker's dozen worth of photos.
Sunday, July 13, 2025
Saturday, July 12, 2025
"Yellow Submarine" by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara
Here is an excerpt from "Recovering Ruthless" the third book in the BryonySeries Ruthless triology by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara.
The main character is Ed himself, who is a time-traveling dyslexic Irish vampire with Deep Time Psychosis and a wild imagination. As a real human (as in a person you could actually meet), Ed really is dyslexic, and he delivers newspapers in the middle of the night. As a vampire character, Ed also delivers newspapers in the middle of the night... with the help of his brownie crew, led by brownie Ramon.
His sidesick is Glorna, a defiant and disobedient wood sprite (Ed says imp) and former changeling who reverted back to wood sprite status when his human part John-Peter died. As a changeling, he was in love with his best friend Karla (although he realized that too late to act on it - a very human mistake). Glorna spent way too much time watching Ed's spaghetti Westerns and fancies himself a cowboy (he's not).
Cah is you the reader.
The mission: a vampire named Susan Betts has escaped Lake Munson in the fictional fishing village of Munsonville in Northern Michigan, and is rumored to be somewhere deep in the ocean near Greenland.
Ed wishes he had a submarine - and that's where our excerpt of literary nonsense begins.
Think of it as Lewis Carroll for adults.
Enjoy the ride!
CHAPTER 14: YELLOW
SUBMARINE
What
the hell, Cah, is this? Yes, I know, it’s a very large box…too large to put in
my van and it’s marked with my address, unit number, and name. It’s left there
outside the common doorway because it wouldn’t fit in the hallway, but it’s
tossed beside the walkway as if the delivery driver had enough of the thing.
The brown cardboard box has a plastic wrap attachment large enough for a
paperback text book.
Please tell me this isn’t the nuclear submarine I was
advised to imagine. But to my chagrin that’s pretty much the way the label
reads.
“WARNING: RADIOACTIVE AND FLAMMABLE”
“WE-ALL-LIVE-YELLOW- Nuke Sub. is the very
latest nuclear submarine technology and fun for the whole family! You will be
warm beneath the storm! Under sea or ice, see any octopus’s garden or hide
where bill collectors or Jehovah witnesses can never find you. Comes in
seventeen different shades. Some assembly requited.”
I’m groaning as I open the plastic bag. It’s a book
entitled “Nuclear Submarine Construction for Dummies.” I’m groaning some more.
Cah, you know me by now. Can you see why I’m not to
happy with my Deep Time Psychosis right now? My mental disorder isn’t supposed
to work this way. The way it’s supposed to work; if I can imagine it, then it
is real… not just to me, but to everyone else.
You don’t get it, do you? You think that because I was
to imagine a nuclear submarine and one came through the mail, that everything
is status quo. Look, my imagination is supposed to be powerful, but it was
never convenient or cooperating. Now, it’s also lazy. I used to believe that my
imagining created a thing. So, maybe I’ve been wrong all this time and my “dreaming
things up” was really just stealing things from another time/place, all without
letting the rest of me know. I could live with that, as long as the rest of my
mind can reasonable assume I came by the imagined thing on the up and up. But
now this!
Is the way it’s
going to happen this way now? One might expect that if I imagine something, at
least my mental illness would go to the right time/place where such a thing can
be found, acquiring said thing as the imagination of a Deep Time Psychotic
traditionally do, and deliver to the place and time as specified by said mental
image. This time, my imagination merely went on-line to some distance future
website and selected yesterday delivery. Let this be a lesson too you, Cah: if
you need something from the future, go to a future showroom and buy (or steal)
it off the lot.
Suddenly, I realized we weren’t alone.
“Glorna! What are you doing here! Go hide in the
forest or something so John-Peter doesn’t have to meet half of his future
self.”
He still looked the part of a western film actor,
minus the long, unkempt red hair and green-tinted skin. Cowboy hat and poncho
framed arms and chest: slim, solid, and steady. Long fingered hands rested with
ease near the pistols, left and right, in his gun belt. He seemed to nod ever
so slightly at his weapons at the ready.
“Sorry, Uncle Ed, but I’m on a quest. Reckon I need to
be as helpful an imp…er…wood sprite can be. It’s the only way I’ll ever be a
…you know.
He just stood there with that wide-brimmed hat,
leather vest and chaps, hip double hoisters, and that cocky grin you’d expect
of any wood sprite trying to be a cowboy. I know, Cah. I had the same thought.
He’s not here to help. He’s here to see the mature Karla. He’s obviously dressed
for her.
“No, I’m not dressed for Karla,” Glorna said, as if he
could read my mind, which he can’t. He can only read Karla’s. “I’m dressed to
assemble nuclear submarines. The only question is this: how are we going to get
it to the right ocean? Now, I reckon we could drive it to some Michigan beach
and sail out through the St Lawrence channel into the open Atlantic. I hope we
don’t get lost. But I don’t see a trailer to haul it with. Can we drag it with
your van? It’s twice as big as to fit in the thing.”
I think, which is hard to do with Glorna staring me
down.
“Maybe we can,” I said slowly. “We don’t have to take
it to Michigan if Karla can find the same portal Susan Betts used to escape to Lake
Munson. That kind of dragging seems like lot less friction on something that
has a nuclear reactor.”
I study the box while fingering my beard. I noticed a
message on the groundward part.
“DANGER: NUCLEAR REACTOR INSIDE!
DO NOT DRAG!
GUIDE CAREFULLY AND GENTLY!”
Glorna noticed it too. So together we tried to lift,
him grabbing one side and me the other. We couldn’t get it to budge. How did
they deliver this thing? Now, Cah, you might be asking yourself, “Why don’t you
just transport it or open a portal from here to the edge of the lake?” Well,
you see, portals are easy to open, but they’re hard to shut. Besides, any
portal that sucks this thing is…well a portal that really sucks… as in every
living and undead right along with this heavy inanimate object. The whole village
of Munsonville could find themselves at the bank in close – but uncertain – proximity
to a futuristic nuclear submarine. I don’t want to have to explain that.
As far as teleporting goes, I can’t do that unless I’m
holding or carrying the object. Even with the undead strength of a vampire, I
can’t carry this. Still, if something alive or undead could lift this off the
ground and I were to touch that thing…
“Glorna, how large can you become?”
“Forget it, Uncle Ed. If you can’t carry it, I can’t
get big enough to carry it. Maybe if Karla were watching...” He looked around hopefully
to see if she were somewhere near.
“Well, forget that. Karla is in jail right now and she
stays there till she goes into the submarine. Wait, is that why you’re helping
me? You know she’s coming, and you want to make sure the boat is safe so she’s
safe!”
Glorna touched the brim of his hat.
“That’s one theory,” he admitted. “Maybe, I really
liked that mushroom stew the merrows served me and I figured I still owed them
for it.”
“Was it better than your last meal in Trudy’s dream
when you were supposed to hang for killing me?” I cleared my throat. “No hard
feelings, by the way.”
“Well you know what they say about being hung in a
dream. Everything is better about a last meal because it’s in a dream. So, no,
and I don’t have any hard feelings either about killing you the first time.”
“But when you killed me the second time, you lost
Karla,” I persisted, ignoring – for now – the fact we were standing next to a futuristic
nuclear submarine. “Glorna, you’ve got
to let her go. You’re a wood sprite; she’s a gambler. Do you even know what
gambling is?”
“I know that when she does it, it has something to do
with ‘shooting.’” He pointed to his holsters.
“And have you ever shot at anything?”
“Are we going to chat all day or are we going to
assemble a submarine?”
I was out of ideas. So I trudged to my white cargo van
and drove it close to the large box. I always keep bungee cords and chains in
my van to put out carriers’ vehicles should they slip off the road. Carefully,
I probed the box with the steel hooks trying to find a place where I could
secure the unassembled nuclear vessel. But Glorna grabbed my arm and said, “Might
blow the state to kingdom come.”
I added with a smile that Glorna didn’t understand.
“Which would vaporize me AND my imagination.”
It wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve done.
At first, I tried to pull the box, but I only spun my
tires. The box didn’t budge. Then, I spun my tires with Glorna growing twice in
size and pushing the box with all his might. It still didn’t budge. Remember, I
live at the top of Pike Street. So we were uphill. So if we could just get the
box to start moving, it wouldn’t be impossible to keep it moving. Without
disconnecting the chains and bungee cords, I decided to push the box with my
front bumper instead of pulling it. No help. We tried with Glorna pushing. No
use. We tried with a bungeed gas pedal down and Glorna and I both pushing.
And it moved!
Fast!
Inexplicably fast…
Before I could stop it, both box and van were racing
down the hill as if the two were racing each other. While the van got the early
start, the box was catching up. Mrs. Marly, who was walking her dog, saw that
firsthand; she froze watching the driverless van try to keep up. Her German
Shepard Fritz, who was in the box’s way, wasn’t as impressed and took off
running, pulling the old lady to the ground and getting her wrist tangled in
the leash. I’d credit the dog for saving her life, but he kept running, making
Mrs. Marly an unlikely dog sled for the next sixty yards.
Soon the box wasn’t just winning the race but overtook
the van and pulled the vehicle rear end first.
The vans wheels spun uselessly while the weight pulled downward like a
demented off-track train that bounced off of trees on either side of the
street. The pair became airborne briefly when the box took out a street lamp,
which smashed onto a parked car, giving the pole an incline. No matter. Both
box and truck were on solid street again as my van in backward roll approached
the intersection of Main Street.
Then I did something that could have earned me a
ticket. I used my vampire power to teleport into the driver’s seat to follow
truck and box in the downward trajectory toward the bottom of Lake Munson. All
that meant was, when the spinning red lights came to look for a driver of the
sinking van, they’d find me. Had I not done that, I could have teleported in Lake
Munson, removed my plates, and hoped they didn’t look for me when law
enforcement tried to explain the accident.
As flawed as that plan might have been, luck had a
better idea. The law wasn’t going to need to puzzle as to who and how. The box,
still pulling the van across Main Street, just missed the squad car on its way
to the lake. The van, however, didn’t miss at all and found the front wheel
diver side of Officer Marsha’s cruiser and kept going, severing the cruiser’s
front end.
It was an awkward meeting at the edge of the lake. My
wheels, still spinning and spewing dirt and grass everywhere, behaved as if they
were digging a grave for both rider and truck. The box, now in three feet of
water was still mostly exposed but showed no signs of “blowing us to kingdom
come,” which would have been my preference right now. Marsha’s cruiser still
had the fresh squad car look, back end unscathed with exhaust huffing from the
tail pipes. The dome lights worked just fine when Marsha turned them on, as did
the driver side door when she stepped out of the cruiser.
The only slight problem was that the rear of my van
was now where the cruiser’s front had been and that the front end lay bank-ward
like some bizarre sculpture by some would-be artist with too many car parts,
too much time, and too little artistic aesthetics.
With difficulty, I forced the trans into park and shut
the van down. If Glorna had half a mind (or a lot less loyalty). he’d have
stayed on the hill until the flashing lights stopped flashing, but he was
running full steam Main Street, where the crash site was still unfolding. I
worried about what Officer Marsha would think of his clearly visible six
shooters.
Marsha rapped on my window.
“Mister Calkins, how are you today?” Her voice was
less than pleasant.
“Uh…er…that is…ah…”
“You need to do better than that. Let’s see your
driver’s license and proof of insurance.”
Is there such a thing as a driver’s license for the
undead? Cah, help me out here. Do I have a driver’s license? What about
insurance? Can the undead get insured? Insured of what? Being dead? I’m not
very good at conversing with angry cops but I do know what I always tell them: “Uh…er…I…ah…that
is…”
“How many tickets do you think I should write you?”
“Um…er…I think…really, I’m very sorry.”
“What is in that box turned ramrod that almost killed
six people?”
“Six? I only counted two. One cop, one old lady – and
a frightened dog.”
“You’ll have plenty of time to count, Mister Calkins.
Just answer the question.”
“Er…well…you know…that submarine that I was going to
imagine. There it is.” I was grateful I didn’t mention that it was a nuclear
submarine.
“And why, pray tell, did you not imagine it on the bank
like a good vampire should have?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know,” she repeated waiting for me to say
something else. I couldn’t think of anything. What about you Cah? Can you think
of anything that will make this less…unpleasant?
“And since you don’t seem to have insurance, how are
you going to replace all the property you’ve carelessly destroyed?” Marsha
impatiently tapped her pen against her ticket book.
“I’ll pay for it all, eventually,” I promised and then
added hopefully, “Or I could imagine it all repaired or replaced.”
“You better start imagining a whole bunch of money to
pay all the tickets you just earned.”
“That never works out well,” I warned her.
“I’m calling Sheriff Matt.” Marsha walked to the
decapitated cruiser and confirmed that the radio still worked. My enhanced
vampire hearing picked up both ends of the conversation.
“Are you issuing any tickets?” the despatcher asked.
“I don’t have a pad big enough.”
“I’m sorry, didn’t copy.”
“Disregard. Let me talk to Sheriff Matt.”
It was a long, contentious conversation between deputy
and sheriff. Marsha kept sighing about all my violations, while Matt insisted
that neither her, him, nor the entire Beulah County had any jurisdiction over
the undead. Marsha pointed out that the evidence was plentiful, obvious, and
laying all over the beach. Matt complained that any presenting of that evidence
would draw unwanted attention to Beulah County, the state of Michigan, and, most
importantly, Sheriff Matt while he was seeking reelection. He also reminded her
that he had a grown up woman in his lockup that was the same person as the teen
living in Munsonville; something he’d rather not explain to authorities. In the
end, Matt left any actions up to Marsha, who rethought her initial severity.
She walked back to my van, tapped on the window, and
pointed towards the bank.
“If one hint of this mess is
still here at sunrise tomorrow, I’m going to write you so many tickets…”
She never finished. Another squad
appeared to take Marsha back to the office.
Glorna was already on top of the
box in three feet of water. He had ripped the outer cardboard to reveal a
metallic cylinder exoskeleton which had already expanded. When I walked to
where he sat reading, he read the title and instructions aloud for my benefit, “Easy-Simple-Live-Yellow
Instructions and Diagram.”
Step one: Active the
enclosed four pilot drones included to carry your We-All-Live-Yellow
construction kit to the nearest suitable body of water.
Step two: Confirm the
partially submerged We-All-Live-Yellow construction kit is in at least two feet
of saltwater or three feet of fresh water to begin assembly.
Step three: Ensure all
234,503 listed tools and parts are included. Should any tools or parts prove
missing, abort construction immediately and inform local health authorities of
an eminent nuclear explosion. WARNING: DO NOT DRAG We-All-Live-yellow
construction kit under any circumstances. We-All-Live-Yellow inc. is not
responsible for any thermo-nuclear reactions due to stupidity or failure to
comply with provided simple instructions.
Step four: Find
We-All-Live-Yellow-Easy-Simple 26 page construction map and simply assemble
parts as shown in Easy-Simple map’s 142 diagrams.
Step five: There should be
no parts left over. If any parts remain after construction is complete, inform
local health authorities of an eminent nuclear explosion. IMPORTANT: In the
case of a thermos-nuclear reaction, We-All-Live-Yellow inc. or its associates,
affiliates, mental health providers, or contractors cannot be held liable for
the incompetence or stupidity of its customers.
Step six: Enjoy exploring
the undersea with the whole family. Take the trip from which you never have to
return. Everything you’ll ever need is supplied in your brand new
We-All-Live-Yellow-Nuke-Sub. Thank you for your business.
“How far in the future is this
submarine?” Glorna asked me in a very this cowboy-is-concerned but still very
macho voice. Of course, I have no idea. Then he asked. “Do they sell this thing
to their customers, or give them away to their competitors?”
It was a disturbing idea.
The Easy-Simple construction map
wasn’t any of those, but it was 26 pages of very small print. Quickly, we quit
trying to make hide or hare of the diagram map and turned instead to the
“Nuclear Submarine Construction for Dummies,” which let us know that if we paid
attention to our pre-kindergarten caretakers, we’d know all this already.
The sun was setting by the Glorna
and I sat on the nuclear submarine exoskeleton to which we had not successfully
attached one included piece. If this was an assembly nightmare, its assembling
team was even worse. Can you think of a worse case than a dyslexic vampire and
a defiant wood sprite trying to or refusing to follow instructions? Every time
we thought we understood what the book told us to do, either Glorna, who rebelled
against being told what to do, did the opposite or I did the opposite, thinking
I did the reverse.
“How about this,” I finally asked
Glorna as daylight disappeared from view. “I’ll do all the reading, and you do
what I tell you to do.”
“But you read so poorly.
Everything you tell me will be backwards or upside down. Wait, that way I do
the opposite…”
I nodded my head, beaming.
“But if I let you read, and I
construct, I’ll be doing what you told me to do.”
Damn!
Suddenly we were surrounded.
“Who’s there?” Glorna called out,
in his cowboy-is-concerned-but-not-macho-anymore voice. In fact, he squeaked
more than spoke, but he did draw his six shooters.
I was alarmed as well.
“Why Steward reading book? Work
time. Steward and lazy wood sprite should make metal underwater log.”
It was Ramon and company. Ramon
is a brownie from my vacation imagination Tara. What was he doing here, Cah? I
asked him, but I’m sure I know the answer.
“Brownies want more brownie
points!” Ramon demanded. “Brownies put metal underwater log together. But Steward
has to give this many brownie points to each brownie. (He showed all his
fingers.) and this many more to Ramon.” (He showed five fingers.)
“Ten brownie points to each!” I
complained as if the asking price was outrageous. Since I’m the one that makes
them and I’m the one that keeps track of them, ten was no more to me than one
thousand, but I had to haggle to keep the idea of “brownie points” a valuable
commodity.
“I know a river nymph that would
do it for half that,” Glorna bluffed loftily.
“River nymph not do as well as
Ramon’s troop!” Ramon cried indignantly.
The brownies, standing in formation behind him, nodded
solemnly.
I said nothing. Glorna said
nothing. Each moment of silence seemed to reduce the brownie troop’s
confidence. Finally, Ramon spoke.
“Brownies put together, but
Steward give this many to each brownie and this many to Ramon…” (He showed one
less finger than his previous offer). “…but brownies get to steal this many
babies from humans (three) and Steward no make fun of brownies…no funny pretty
words!” (No limericks mocking brownies.)
Glorna looked at me, expectantly.
He wanted to take that deal,
“How about brownies get as many
brownie points as Ramon said before (nine) and brownies get to steal baby’s
weight in honey, baby’s weight in butter, and baby’s weight in beer?”
The troop cheered, but Ramon
looked skeptical.
“How brownies find so much honey,
butter, and beer?”
Just as he asked that, pots of
honey, tubs of butter, and jugs of beer materialized on the bank in the agreed
upon quantity with the bonus in reusable ceramic pots and jugs, along with the
tin tubs that exceeded the packages weight of three babies.
It was already dark when the
submarine was finished with no parts to spare. The pots of honey, tubs of
butter, jugs of beer, and the lakefront sculpture wreckage of a squad car all
disappeared with the brownies. A small, wooden dingy took their place on the bank,
where the squad’s front end had previously lain. Also, from where I stood, I
could see the streetlamp that had been a launching ramp for the submarine
assembly kit now standing straight and delivering adequate amounts of light.
Did I imagine repairs to all the damage, Cah? Do you remember me imagining? Or
did I just imagine that I never did anything other than what the instructions
required?
With only Glorna, myself, and a
lemon-yellow nuclear submarine as clues, I’ll never really know. Asking Glorna
or anyone else wouldn’t produce knowledge worth the cost in my credibility.
