"Book Club Meeting" by Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Since the beginning of this blog on August 1, 2010, Saturdays has been a day to celebrate BryonySeries author and Irish vampire character Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, and all things Irish.

Read this post about Ed as author, how he connects to the BryonySeries, and what he's written (so far).

And then read this piece of literary nonsense and fan fiction from Ed's third novel in his Ruthless series, called "Recovering Ruthless."

CHAPTER 8: BOOK CLUB MEETING

 

 

It was a small building that housed the Beulah County Sheriff’s Office, so the interrogation room was also the conference room. The room was what you might expect from any of the police detective movies or TV shows that air constantly in the “Who Done It” genre. Four chairs faced four chairs with a rectangular table to present evidence and a two-way mirror facing the suspect’s side. By force of habit, Marsha and Matt sat side by side with their backs to that mirror. They waited impatiently for a third person to start their book club meeting. On the table was a copy of the novel “Staked!”

 

              “It seems we’re in for a hell of a Christmas,” Marsha commented dryly. “According to the book, Beulah County will get national television coverage because of a whole bunch of things we can't explain.”

 

              “One of the rare times the county is part of the country,” Matt added, making a sour face. “Hopefully the whole thing quickly fades away. The medical mystery of John-Peter’s death shouldn't be too much of a problem in that it is a medical mystery. They'll be a whole bunch of ‘no comment’ replies to that. But the missing body of John-Peter and the sixty teenage girls with branded backs that just appear in the basement of Eircheard’s Emporium…” Matt shook his head. “At least we know to schedule extra dispatchers for Christmas.”

 

              “Are you’re worried about the State auditing our department and – maybe – arresting some of us?” Marsha asked. “I mean, we’re all fugitives in some fashion.”

 

              Matt shrugged. “I’m sure they’ll audit, but it I’m guessing it won’t be my problem. I’m not getting reelected, and that Pike fellow will be in office by the time they do. It’s not like they’re going to find any records that will incriminate anyone. All they might decide is that ‘Sheriff Matt’ didn’t bother with records. All fine with me. Beulah County never bothered with county sheriff elections.”

 

              “I guess a ‘no last names’ policy comes in handy now.” Marsha stared at the book. “Can we do anything to save John-Peter?”

 

              “Nope. Ed warned me that everything has to be consistent with the book or we’ll be messing with something he calls ‘deep time’ and we’ll all get as crazy as he is.” Matt slumped in his chair and sighed. “Anyway, I don’t see how we could save him. John-Peter dies in Ed’s imagination as it’s collapsing. And Ed Calkins and Kellen Wechsler are already dead.”

 

              “If we do nothing, nothing in the book happens,” Ed said, suddenly appearing in the room.

 

              Only Marsha was startled, and just a touch at that.

 

              “There isn’t a single word about the ‘Rules of the Damned’ in ‘Staked!’ either,” Marsha said continued. “Why would a book about Munsonville vampires omit such an important contract between the living and undead?”

 

              Ed laughed. “Don’t you understand? It’s not important. The book is about me, not law enforcement. In fact, the whole trilogy it's about me.”

 

              “This is a part of a trilogy?” Matt held up the book. “By the same author?”

 

              “Of course. Do you think she’d only write one book about how ruthless I am? Look at it from Melissa’s point of view.”

 

              “John Peter’s mother?” Marsha asked.

 

              “Yes. In the first book, ‘Bryony’, she gets introduced to me and I ask her to marry me. She didn’t say yes. After that, she falls in love with the vampire John Simon, who eventually dies for good. So then she has to marry Kellen Weschler at the end of the second book, ‘Visage’ in order to save her son’s life.”

 

              “How is that all about you?” Marsha persisted.

 

              “Don’t you see?” Ed proclaimed. “None of this would have happened if Melissa had married me in the first book. My marriages have no sex or ceremony, so she never has to sleep with a vampire. Also, she gets some of my luck and probably never falls in love with John Simons. The trilogy is a cautionary tale to young women. If Ed Calkins asks you to marry him, it might be the only time he does so. Now, The Goddess herself disagrees with this, but she only writes the books. That doesn’t mean she understands them.”

 

              “Aren’t we straying from the point here?” Matt asked irritably. “You said earlier that if we do nothing, none of the events in the book happens – and I’m wondering if that would be a good thing.”

 

              “It would not,” Ed said. “Some time before November, a pair of werewolves maul the entire town of Shelby, Munsonville, and a good part of Thornton. I was wandering alterative timelines looking for something else. Don’t ever wander in alterative timelines, but I had my reasons. Anyway, I did not stick around to see what happened or who got eaten or killed, but the number was high enough that no one left alive stays in Beulah County.”

 

             Matt sat straight up. “Sounds bad. What do we have to do?”

             

Ed looked confused.

 

              “I’m not sure,” Ed admitted. “I know it’s mostly you, Sheriff, who prevents it. I only have a supporting role, providing logistics.”

 

            Marsha’s fist came down hard on the table. “Damn you, Ed! Think!”

 

              Ed scratched his beard and thought.

 

              “I know it has something to do with a raid on Kellen Wechsler, but not at his home or business. Does that make sense?”

 

              “Arcadia then?” Matt asked, brightening.

 

              “Why, yes. You must have read ‘Before the Blood’. It was/is/will be The Goddess’ greatest work that didn’t include me. Since it was a prequel about Munsonville vampires, her omission begs the question ‘why’…probably the greatest literary mystery of all time.”

 

              “We’ve already raided Arcadia,” Matt reminded him, trying to keep Ed focused, by far Martt’s most difficult task as sheriff. “Remember? You were there when we found the room where Kellen keeps his redheaded, maiden victims. We were enforcing the treaty outlined in ‘Rules of the Damned.’ Kellen didn’t have the proper paperwork for some of them and we were able to recuse some of them and ticket him for…”

 

“Sounds really dangerous…not like something I would be in on…interrupting Kellen while he plays with his food,” Ed said, looking shocked.

 

Marsha leaped to her feet. “You moron! You were our hostage! We threated to stake you if Kellen didn’t stand down!”

 

              “I doubt that.” Ed protested, shaking his head. “We wouldn’t be still friends if you forced me, and I can’t imagine agreeing to something…”

 

              “It was your idea!” Matt and Marsha shouted in unison.

 

              Ed grinned. “Ah, another ruthlessly clever idea of mine that worked.”

 

              “Yes, yes, you’re great.” Matt waved away that topic. “Here’s the thing that’s really important, Ed. Did we already do what needs to be done?”

 

              “I’m not sure? Where in the book are you?”

 

              Marsha snorted. “We both finished it, of course!”

 

              “No, I mean what page number are we living right now? Wait, another way of asking, what day is today? Is it before Halloween or after?” But Ed answered his own question with a glance at the calendar hanging on the wall. “No. More has to be done. But the sheriff is already inclined to start that by himself. The real problem is the dream. I know what you’re planning with Trudy, and I understand. But don’t do it till she’s had the dream.”

 

              “I don’t see why anything else has to be done,” Marsha complained, clearly frustrated with Ed.

 

Seconds later, she wished she hadn’t said a word as Ed went into a long explanation about the thing they already knew.

 

             “It was a crazy but landmark treaty between the living and the vampires made between the Beulah County Sheriff’s office and the recently empowered ‘Council of the Damned,’” Ed said. “The treaty would limit the killings of living people to those fatally involved in a suicide or murder/suicide. Such people would be teleported out of their own time using a vampire-enhanced enchanted dream such as Trudy could provide. These people would then feed the vampires and let nature’s ‘autocorrect’ handle the missing corpses by letting the intention play out in the time of origin. In this way, bodies of the suicides and homicide would be found without a suspicious lack of blood. In exchange, vampires would no longer fatally feed on anyone else or risk the wrath of the ‘Council of the Damned’ and be subjected to the penalties mandated by the ‘Rules of the Damned.’”

 

              “We know that, Ed,” Matt said in a strained voice as he, too, was nearing the end of his patience. “What Marsha meant was, how does bringing back the vampire Susan Betts help? Is that in some book that you forget to give us to read?”

 

              Ed shook his head. “No. It’s definitely not in any book or I wouldn't have forgotten it. Like I said, I’ve been searching alterative timelines and it all gets really confusing really quickly. It has something to do with defeating Kellen Wechsler who may or may not have turned her. Now, in ‘Before the Blood,’ Kellen tells Bryony that Susan committed suicide after giving birth to someone you know as Grandma Sue Barnes, the founder of Sue’s Diner. Now in ‘Call of the Siren’ also by Denise Baran-Unland…”

 

              “Ed, please,” Matt pleaded, rubbing his forehead. “We’re not her to analyze or review books that haven't been written yet. Can we get back to the matter at hand? Why do we need to rescue another vampire? It seems to me that in ‘Staked!’, Kellen and you are both goners. Are you saying that the book gets it wrong? I know you’re still here, but…”

 

              “You’re right,” Ed admitted. “With time travel, even if it’s not the deep time that made me crazy, the person facing you might have already been killed in your past but not his or hers. With vampires, there’s another dimension. It’s one thing to kill a vampire, but you have to finish killing them or they just reanimate.  That’s why we needed Professor Cornell Dyer all these years. Now, in ‘The Phoenix,’ another book by the goddess, Kellen hires Cornell to…”

 

              “Stop it!” Marsha shouted. “We’re not interested in your book reviews! If anything is SOOOOO important in these other books, why didn’t you give us those to read, too?”

 

              “I shouldn’t even have given you this one.” Ed spread out his hands. “Marsha, Matt, try and understand how dangerous this is for me to bring a written work into the past it’s been written about. But trying to stay on topic, I’m almost positive Kellen survives being stabbed and cremated. He had plenty of time to plan, and he knew Melissa meant to kill him on John Peter’s birthday. You both read that in ‘Staked!’ You also know that Melissa didn’t inherit any money. It's because Kellen moved all his funds into the future.”

 

              Matt now felt more willing to take the psychotic vampire at his word.

 

“Ed, I knew Susan Betts was important. I just didn’t remember why,” Matt said, more calmly this time. I also remember a name connected to all of this, and possible controlling it as well: Lord Lawrence Girard.

 

              “Who’s he?” Marsha asked.

 

              “One of the werewolves.” Ed answered Marsha and then disappeared in a puff.

 

“Must be a younger version of himself,” Matt mumbled. “In the versions we’ve seen lately, he forgets he can do that.”