Good morning!
If this is your first meeting with Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, you might want to read this post.
When he mentions the release of Ruthless in the first line, he is referring to his first novel, which is part of the BryonySeries and the first to be authored by someone other than me.
We are having a one-hour virtual book release party for him from 7 to 8 p.m. Feb. 13 (Calkins Day).
Real food and drink available if you bring your own ingredients.
Calkins and his sidekick “The Goddess” will chat about author collaborations, how to legally fictionalize a real person, literary nonsense. Irish vampires, deep time psychosis, and Astro-Time Physics.
He will also answer questions but doesn’t promise you’ll understand the answers. Calkins will also randomly give away three copies of “Ruthless.”
Local author and WriteOn Joliet co-leader Tom Hernandez will emcee.
Chef Tim will give three demonstrations. Menu and ingredient list provided after registration.
Calkins Day is free. To register, visit bryonyseries.com/registerforcalkinsday.
And now, here is Ed's parody of 2020.
Dear MOMI,
I
realize that in the waiting for the release of Ruthless, many of you
haven’t been engaged in your community as you were in the previous year. The
wait has caused the drop in attendance of bars, restaurants, gyms, and other
places of social gathering in favor of mulling around your house waiting for
the book.
There are theories that the
coronavirus has something to do with this, but let’s not dwell on theoretical
conspiracies and stick to what is factually known. The need for fact about 2020
is so great that I have considered the possibility of publishing another
edition of “The Ruthless Times” after a little more than one year of the last
edition. But the need for fresh information does not override the proud
tradition of going to print only when a century’s worth of news transpires.
In any
case, the events of 2020 are too complicated for the pedestrian understanding
of current events. This year will take a dyslexic vampire to break it down for
you.
We could
start with the controversy around the vote. For those of you less aware, you
might assume I am referring to this year’s election. It was quite contentious
and ended in violence. Yes, in a year like no other the Queen of Christmas
election.
The Queen of Christmas election ended in a brawl between the recipient of the most votes and the runner up with more friends who surely voted for her. (Editor's note: Ed Calkins is a supervisor in a distribution center that oversees newspaper delivery. He and his wife buy Christmas presents for all the carriers' children out of their own money. Ed hosts a Queen of Christmas contest to pick the woman that will deliver the presents).
After seven recounts, two votes challenged,
and the integrity questioned of a dyslexic vote counter, the crown was placed
on a woman that needed three new crowns and stitches to say nothing of her two
black eyes while the runner up got the worst of it…that’s not the vote in
question.
No, I’m
referring to the votes by infectious disease historians (IDH) to proclaim COVID-19
as the deadliest disease to this date. One has to ask; when will the “black
death” ever get its proper due? COVID-19 may have killed more people in its
first year of infecting (debatable) but is that a fair comparison.
The Bubonic Plague killed 60
percent of the people that got it while COVID-19 only gets .5 percent at best. COVID-19
has claimed the life of one person in every thousand, the bubonic plague got 40
to 60 percent of all Europe. What? The bubonic plague doesn’t win? The argument
for that is that if the bubonic plague happened in modern times, bug stray and
flea collars could have stopped it cold. Right! Tell the unmasked COVID-19-doubters
that they need to wear a flea collar!
Another
usual thing that happed in 2020 is that the president of the United States
didn’t get impeached this year. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe Congress
was too busy not wearing masks. Anyway, the year started with the Senate’s
rejection of the articles of impeachment and that was all the peaches the
government would get. It wouldn’t be till the start of 2021 when “repeachment”
(I coined the phrase…don’t steal it) started up again.
Then
there were the protests and riots between law enforcement and physicists. Who
has not heard the chant “Black Matter lives?” To get the story, I personally
ran out into the streets to get both sides of the disagreement. On the
physicists’ side, they want to make clear that Black Matter (called dark matter
by some insensitive, less progressive scientists who fail to realize that by
calling something “dark” you imply it’s sinister,) makes up the largest
minority of matter in the country if not the universe. They do not see why
police are so disrespectful of that fact. But is it fact? Police deal in what
they can prove. How can they show respect to anything that can’t verify its
existence? To this, I was simply told that I do not understand the gravity of
the situation. Black Matter is being shot in the streets. To explain this
scientific short-hand, I would tell you that the major evidence of black matter
is the universe weighs more than it should. (Alright, I’ve gained a few pounds,
don’t go making theories about me.)
Although
I could not find a single instant of a cop suspected of shooting at black
matter, I can document their disrespect. I had to pull over nine squad cars
before I even got a comment of black matter. What did I get from the tenth, besides
a ticket from all ten of them (if I were black matter, would I have gotten ten
bullets instead)?
“Prove
it exists.”
Is that the standard for respect from law
enforcement? Not only do you have to prove your identity, but you have to prove
your existence!? Well for all you non-alarmists out there that think you’re
safe with the “I think therefore I am” line of reasoning, you’re BEGGING THE
QUESTION! The “I think” part of that assumes the conclusion. Although if you
assume the conclusion, it does fit a rather eloquent, consistent hypothesis
that seems to support the notion of “reality.”
Still, I have to renew my driver’s
license this year. They will ask me to prove my identity, driving ability, and
that I can see well enough to read the signs. They will not ask for proof of my
existence. How does black matter get to drive? Is that what’s meant be the joke
of getting a ticket for “driving while black?”
The last
really odd thing that happened in 2020 involves the pricing of printable
commodities. The price of printed paper runs on a predictable course of supply
and demand. Advertisement pamphlets may be less than worthless, unless we’re
talking about the one that Johannes Gutenberg printed, advertising his new
Bible. That pamphlet is as rare as it is expensive… a must-have for any
billionaire in the printing press business.
But 2020
saw an unprecedented demand for uncounted presidential ballots. The caveat was
these ballots had to be for a certain candidate as well as authentic. Common
sense would lead us to expect that anything of value should be quite rare, but
in this case, the precious ballots are rumored to be in the millions although
no one has actually found any. Just this December, a wealthy real estate broker
ordered 11,780 from Georgia’s secretary of state who insisted that none were to
be found. Courts around the nation have also been interested in these ballots
as well and have fared no better in receiving them.
Oddly, another type of ballot is
just as in demand - counted ballots for the other candidate that are
counterfeits. So much for my understanding of marketing.
Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins
P.S. If you have Giuliani’s briefcase that went missing
before a bunch of court cases, please return it now.
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