During WriteOn Joliet's Calkins Day open mic this past Thursday, Ed Calkins read this piece, originally posted on my blog over six months ago.
If you missed it, here it is now.
If you enjoyed it, read it again.
If you don't care, scroll all the way to the bottom, where you can see the front and back of this new (and completely worthless) currency.
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Better Than Gold: Ed Calkins Introduces the Pombec
Dear MOMI:
Don’t try to talk me out of it, my debt to you is too great. I’m designing the new trillion pombec bill of which only one will ever be in print. I know this will send panic among the pombec hording investors but if the bill does what it will be printed to do, the pombec will remain strong against all other currencies.
You might not yet know what a pombec is. I’ll give you a chance to avoid feeling foolish and explain it latter with a presumption that you’ve figured it out but your readers need more information. Instead, I’ll start by informing you that the (I)rish (V)ampires (A)ssosaction has been using it for as long as I became the one IVA spokesperson. My dues were paid in pombecs as was my budget for IVA spokesperson.
I might point out here, that some of the IVA’s most brilliant investments have backfired to the fault of the irrational markets’ constructs. Each misfortune is a lesson in the economy of people too stupid to lose.
The first case might be explained as the peril ‘too precious to make change.’ Noting how rare they were becoming, the IVA aggressively bought out saber-tooth tiger teeth (known as ‘STT’) until we cornered the market. Gullible cave dwellers every were traded what teeth they could find for yellow heavy pebbles fond in river banks. The value of these teeth kept rising, and when the saber-tooth itself became extinct, the price exploded. But there is the problem. The STT became so pricey that the only thing expensive enough to trade for even one was another STT. Furthermore, no one without STT was wealthy enough to make change. The STT will just have to wait for way better things to be produced before it is traded again.
Secondly, I submit the peril of ‘so useful it’s useless’ merged with ‘so rare it’s everywhere’. Take the case of those yellow pebbles. Naturally, I’m talking about gold which should be worthless by now, but people are too stupid to realize that they can’t use it for anything. Back before it was of value, it was the perfect metal to make cups, watches, armor, cable wire, and even coins. Now all of these things of gold can be found, but there too precious to actually use. If those shiny pebbles were meant to just lay around like they do in Fort Knots why did we bother taking them out of the rivers as we still do to this day? If fact it’s also so plentiful that people wear it, which is one thing gold was never good for. A wool sweater will keep you warm but a gold chain will only weigh you down or get you robbed. You can find gold everywhere sitting around doing no good for anyone. Can you say the same for engine parts? The last actually useful thing about gold is as a tooth filling, but you need a tooth ache and an expensive dentist to get one. (There should be a joke in there but I’m too focused to see it.)
Then there’s the mountain effect. Remember the Ica’s? They were the folks that insisted on living high up in the mountains were food was hard to hunt or grow. Well, before that moved, the IVA sold them some worthless plants with white bulbs in their roots. They’d still be making fortunes selling potatoes back to us if some even stupider race hadn’t climbed those mountains and wiped them out.
Alcoholic beverages might seem like a good currency. Wines and hard liquors that age well create an investment opportunity that even stupid people can understand. The problem there is the cost of ‘stupid’ can be the commodity itself. Places in Russia where vodka is accepted and rubbles are not it’s said that every man, no matter how rich, is only one bender from broke.
Lastly, we come to the ultimate finical victory of stupid that is paper money. Paper, unless its used in place of gold as cups, watches*, armor*, cable wire*, or even money, is mostly useless and plentiful. Image the skepticism of the IVA when the leaders of nations announced that their governments would simply print money that would be legal tender for all. Any vampire, noting the folles of former countries would have assumed that the only government job worth having was that of ‘currency printer’, attracting the same types that always want to be banker when playing monopoly. Any Irish vampire would have assumed that no government would ever be broke until the paper bills to buy a cup of coffee needed to be carried by fork lift.
That stupid mistake was too smart for even kings and presidents to make. Instead they make the dumber mistake of borrowing the money they just printed to pay the monthly minimum on previous loans which carry higher that market interest.
I realize that I’ve made a very poor case for any to take financial advice from an IVA member, but I think the borrowing to pay loans is good evidence that the current currency (say that five times) is in trouble. If legal tender money becomes worthless, what kind of paper will be valuable? Paper cups, watches*, Armor*, Cable wire* and plates will always have some value, but will those things fit in a wallet? Plastic cards? Didn’t the collapsing government try that already. Bit coins. Those are one hard drive away for crashing.
What if something of value that’s both rare and useful was written on the paper? The ‘Bryony’ series in paperback will always be of value, but in a thousand years, we’re back to the STT problem. So, to the wary investor, buy up all the pombecs you can find. As Denise has already figured out, the first pombecs are hand written on paper napkins that once laid next to some tip that some lucky waitress collected. Like valuable autographs, condition, quality, and back story can have value, but usefulness and transferability distinguish pombecs from other collectibles. Though pombecs have different backings, all have the same four words, ‘Will you marry me?” written in the same hand. ‘Pombec’ is the acronym for ‘proposals of marriage by Ed Calkins’. Each pombec, having only those four words, and thus not being specific to the original payee has the effect of being a tradable option to marry, without any expiration prior to activation.
As many of you know, Denise’s last book will bear the title; “The Most Impressive Women of All Times: The First 100 Wives of Ed Calkins**” As women who wish to live as legend down the unfolding of history strive to make the 100 cut, pombecs will trading will sky rocket. This long-awaited book will fly off shells throughout the future ages, doubling in sales from year to year. Image that! In four years, she’ll have sold 15 copies total…31 in five… 63 in six… yeah! Denise’s grandchildren will be rich!
To the casual eye, Denise doesn’t have much incentive to write such a long, difficult book that is predicted to coincide with the end of her creative life.
So, to address this, I’m issuing the first and last One Trillion Pombec Bill which will allow the bearer and 999,999,999,999 of her closest friends to be wives of Ed Calkins. Thou Denise once broke my heart by indicating no interest in activating such a claim, she can trade it, because I’m donating the bill to you, Denise. I know that you’ll use the money (it will be) to advance mankind’s capacity to write and understand how ruthless Ed Calkins really is.
You are going to have to wait. I’ve yet to design the bill, find pictures and ink for it and other trivial matter that separate you from your future wealth. I do promise to present it to you by the next Calkins Day.
Ruthlessly Yours,
Ed Calkins
· These things haven’t been invented yet. When they are, I’ll spend my longest STT for the rights
· Yes, I’ve changed the title of your future book to manipulate the market
p.s. My computer crashed. I have plenty of backups, but I haven't yet located the Epic Limerick among the seven memory sticks....its someway, I just have to find it. I wouldn't really look except...you know...the muse
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