Ed Calkins: "Staked!"-Based Epic Poem (Part Three)

A couple weeks ago, Ed Calkins, the Steward of Tara, (finally) sent the third installment to his epic limerick, which is very loosely based on several of the characters in Staked! the third novel in the BryonySeries trilogy.

For those needing to catch up, here are the links to parts one and two:

http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/03/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-no-one.html

http://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2018/04/ed-calkins-staked-based-epic-poem-part.html

For those who have no idea who Ed Calkins is, read this primer:

https://bryonyseries.blogspot.com/2017/04/steward-setback-saturday-twenty.html

And, of course, I am MOMI (Mistress of My Immortality)

For your amusement, I've included the installment along with the contents of Ed's most recent telegram. And the "panel" which he refers at the end has to do with this year's Calkins Day event (to which you are all invited.

More on the event later! :)


Dear MOMI,

    

I promise this thing has an ending somewhere but right now, I'm feeling a little like Capt. O' Windfree. This unfinished 'epic poem' has been sitting on my hard drive and I've been telling myself to ignore it and it will go away. It hasn't. I then tell myself, 'just finish it by getting to the point', but there is no point.

The poet tries to blame a Muse

Twelve Muses cast their craft willy-nilly

But this epic has gone from unlikely to silly

Seems I met number thirteen

And she’s making me scream

Cause she’s pulling me by what’s behind my own willy

Seems she’s the very muse of derange

Of two meetings she has put in my range

Both on O’Windfree’s own ship

But her pulling, I can’t skip

Here’s where the whole tale starts to get strange

Next morning, O’Windfree told the crew

Of the new plan that Ed already knew

A place called Egypt they were near

Which would trade their wares for beer

But the next part he didn’t have a clue

(Before the recovery movement or 12 step programs, self help groups were very different

The captain and crew have their Tuesday night meeting about their strange diet).

But when the foursome where away for awhile

Captain and crew had a meeting quite vile

See, the Irish have an affliction

We are prone to addiction

All while floating down the river of denial

Said the Captain, “Welcome to the non-cannibal meeting.

“We reassure each other and there plenty of seating,

that they will remember in song

that we did nothing wrong

But we also must choose who next we are eating”

“I should start this meeting with good news

None here at this meeting will draw straws and lose

Both the captain and crew

Have delivered two new

And for our next meal between the two we choose.”

“Look, If we were thieves, we would rob them

If we were from Sodom we’d nob them

And I hope to make plain

That each should explain

how we don’t have a people-eating problem”

“I’ll go first cause I’m feeling quite shoddy

I brought the women name “O” who’s a hottie.

She’s both funny and sweet

But I see her as meat

But I not the first to only want her body.”

I’ll go next cause I’m Jim the first mate

Let’s remember how we got this fate

Lost at sea for thirty days

With out food or any ways

To fish for food without nets or bait

“The next week we tried anything that we could

Rats, bedbugs, leather, cloth, flies, and even wood.

But Matt’s life starvation halted

And It’s he that should be faulted

Because when we ate he tasted so good”

Then each one here and not had agreed

That empty bellies, thirty days didn’t need.

And as soon as Matt’s meat

The whole crew finished to eat

We would draw straws on who next to feed.

After the next meal we did the fleet proud

By deciding that eating crew was allowed

Since then all agreed with our law

Expect the one drawing the short straw.

Gees there always just one in a crowd

THEN KIRK SHARES HIS 'NOT A CANNIBAL' IDEA

It’s not my name but they call me ‘Cannibal Kirk’.

It’s not true but I’m known as a jerk

But my public service,

Makes the lazy nervous.

I only eat people who wouldn’t be showing for work.

BOB GOES NEXT

My name’s Bob and I’m not being malicious

But of the losers complaining I’m suspicious

They say they’re not into vore

And they’d like to live more

But then why did they get so delicious

THEN THE COOK HAS HIS OWN IDEA

I’m Chef David and you don’t have a clue

Cause I’m different and smarter then all you

With your life chances you took

But you wouldn’t cook the cook

If a short straw I draw you’ll all want to redo

So I’ll tell you the of our food inventory

It’s a plain tail that tells the whole story

Tomorrow part of a thigh

And tonight, kidney pie

And it the last of meat from young Laurie

Perhaps two days is too far to look ahead

Future meals you don’t worry about when you’re fed

With the planning I cursed by

More cooking fat has the first guy.

The one the uneatable wood sprite call Uncle Ed

MEANWHILE, A MORE IMPORTANT MEETING...

 While the crew talked of who they’d be eating

The remaining had their own book club meeting.

They discussed far future writing

And found three so exciting

That they made “O” list for future summer reading

The cliff hanger is; what three books got chosen?

                                                          

Ruthlessly Yours,

                                                          Ed Calkins

P.S, I look forward to being on the panel the next Calkins day