Ed Calkins (Finally) Checks In

Dear MOMI,

It’s important, I think, that I check in from time to time even though I have nothing new that’s ready to be said. That epic limerick I promised has gotten so weird I’m not sure I can finish it, but I will continue to try.

                

Instead I hope to clarify claims I’ve made in the past less naysayers have at me, as my ability to respond in damning verse has been compromised by malicious muses.

               

A while ago, I made the claim that Con Don Won had fought the most one-sided battle in history owning to that fact that there was only one side and still he lost nearly every man under his command, a slight he tried rectify when he ordered the survivors executed. However a historian not interested in body counts and less careful of getting the facts might point to Caligula’s conquest of English.  

As legend has it, Caligula promised to defeat the England, marched from Rome to the shores of the English Sea, and then ordered his men to strip naked before cutting down the reeds at its beaches to "prove his victory."

                

I feel guilty about that legend from time to time. Caligula was actually a more rational ruthless dictator then history remembers. The Latin limerick made an example out of Caligula and my ghost writers had great fun at his expense. It didn’t keep Rome out of England one hundred years later, but hey, who really cares about England. 

The Emperors that followed all got the message as did everyone that read the Denise’s book of how ruthless Ed Calkins can be (Editor's note: Gotta write that book one day) even if you haven’t wronged him. But Ireland is just one island west of his target and I had to draw a hard line.

                

Later, the theory that Caligula’s troops refused in mass to board the transports better explained the order to cut down reeds naked. This was punishment in the form of humiliation that typified Caligula’s reign, but it lacked the staying power of a limerick.

                

Another thing I should explain, though I thought if obvious at the time I wrote it, is the connection between the suffering of sea sickness and the need for newspapers. You might recall that in my story of Genoa Good (later known as Noah) I pointed out the natural choke point for genealogy and claimed to have read the route list for every known survivor of the great flood.

               

There are three reasons why sea sickness craves newspapers. The first has nothing to do with content. Nothing absorbs vomit quite as well. Secondly, if your suffering sea sickness you find yourself pouring over the weather section seeking hope. And if you find none there, the obituary columns might inspire.

                

Hopeful, my next post will be shorter of time and longer of content, humor, and wisdom.

                                                                                                                

Ruthlessly yours,

                                                                                                     

You Know Who 

(Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara, in case you really did not know)