Saturday, May 19, 2018

Ed Calkins: Voter Fraud and the "Lost" Telegram

Note: When sifting through old email for the Bryony-themed play Ed Calkins wrote and sent to me in 2011, which I thought I posted and hadn't, I found this gem, also from 2011 and unopened. Very ironic, as you will see when you read it.

Dear MOMI:

Hard as it may be to believe, I have been accused of unethically influencing the Queen of Christmas nominations. Naturally, I promised a full and speedy investigation from an independent, fair, and reputable investigator.

Only after making that promised did I wonder if I knew anyone like that! But, of course, I do. You, Denise, have the journalistic chops that should impress even the most skeptical of my critics.

Your mandate is simple! Look for evidence of corruption or misdealings in the nomination process of 2011 on my behave. Remember, I promised a full and speedy investigation, so you must respond with your findings within my deadline.

Also you must grant as full of review as can be made on a 2008 budget, which, if you've opened this email, you're already over. (Sorry, you will not be reimbursed.)

Be fair and impartial, but remember you're not getting paid for this and its not worth your time, When the deal (five minutes after you receive this) has expired, you need not respond if not a shred of evidence is found, your silence will be understood that way.

However, if you do find wrong doing, you must report it to the proper authorities. Should you consider me as too prejudiced to receive your finding, consider your ex publicist or I'm sure that can right this in a timely manner.

P.S  Should you actually look in to this, do not be concerned about the ballots found in the garbage, as poor handwriting clearly disqualified them.

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins,

Steward of Tara

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