Ed Calkins: An "Excuse" Limerick

But first an excerpt from Staked! For contextual reasons.

“Hey, John-Peter!” a large, burly man called from across the aisle. “I didn’t get my Thornton Times!”

            “Count?”

            The man stretched his tight and faded blue T-shirt over his hefty belly, trying to cover the last inch of skin and failing. “Thirteen.”

            John-Peter handed them to the man who belched in reply. He couldn’t blame the carrier, or any of the other drivers, for being grouchy tonight. Their boss, Joe Reece, had tucked a policy change into their paycheck envelopes stipulating that only a certain number and colors of bags would be distributed. If carriers required more than that amount, the cost would be deducted from the next week’s pay.

            That move prompted Uncle Ed to express his displeasure with a limerick:

            There once was a cheap boss named Reece

            Whose supplies to carriers decreased

            When the carriers cried, “Foul!”

            Reece spat as he howled,

            “I’ll make you share one sleeve apiece!”

           

            “Someday,” Ed said, leaning close to John-Peter and dropping his voice, “people will refer to cheap acts as ‘doing a Reece.’”

            No negative situation existed where Uncle Ed could not compose an appropriate limerick.

            “The limerick is the most superior kind of poem,” Uncle Ed had often him. “Not only can people pronounce it, they can remember it and it flows freely from the tongue. This sort of poetry works in two ways. The words I say create fear in others, fear of how they will be remembered. This fear then promotes a willingness in your enemy to compromise, to confront you in more friendly terms, or maybe to ally with you.”

             But if Joe Reece, or anyone else for that matter, cowered in terror before Ed Calkins, he never showed it. Even the carriers themselves rarely expressed the respect and appreciation John-Peter felt was due Ed for his hard work.

            Ed printed and sorted route books, oversaw the unloading and distribution of entire truckloads of products, including bag shipments and fifteen different publications totaling over ten thousand newspapers. In addition, Ed fielded complaints, dispensed bags, retrieved and carried garbage to the dumpsters, and swept the warehouse. This was in addition to his regular, carrier responsibilities. Ed delivered newspapers to the outlying and remote areas no driver wanted to touch, including Munsonville. 

And now, today's telegram

Dear MOMI,

I don't have a post today. It's not my fault. I'm still at work on my make believe route.

    The truck hath arrived none too soon

    the fault of the Irish Tribune.

    So heed my advice

    The traffic's not nice

    I'll finish my route around noon.

Take that you big bullies! I hope it follows you when you go out of business! I hope my limerick stains your legacy!

Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

Illustration by Christopher Gleason for "Staked!"

For more information on the BryonySeries (including the novel "Staked!"), visit www.bryonyseries.com.