Saturday, May 26, 2018

Ed Calkins: The Beat Goes On

Dear MOMI,

What have I done!

I've started a story that will take four thousand years to complete and has to be told in limerick form.

More then that, the characters keep stealing my pen.

Who'd have thought Glorna would be such a punk, Ed Calkins so twisted, and a vegan gator such a bully.

None of this was my idea, but here is the third in my nameless epic limerick.


THE POET DATES THE TIME WHILE WHINING HIS STORY IS TOO HARD TO WRITE


By now It was now clear as clear can be
That both Glorna and Ed were in two thousand BC
And their gator companion made three
Now, I must be out of my tree
For thinking this telling would easy be


THE MISFIT THREE BRING WOOD FOR CARVING TO THE SHIP THEY HOPE TO SET PASSAGE BACK TO ENGLAND FROM, EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL BE FOUR THOUSAND YEARS TOO EARLY TO RETURN TO WHERE DENISE LET THEM DIE.


While the brave captain was in O’s dwelling
The three carried to the ship that was smelling
Wood removed for the dead tree
To be carved for the sailors to see
The wives that the threesome were selling

And since none of the three could carve wood
The silly steward asked if the crew would
Carve the women he described
By the stories he prescribed
And the figures’ figures that would have to be good.


ED CALKINS PITCHES HIS "WIVES," WHICH ARE OBVIOUSLY WOMEN HE NEVER MET


“First a queen with a fetish for being rolled into rugs
Cleopatra of the future Egyptian thugs
And if you meet her it would please her,
If you call yourself Julia Caesar.
Then she just might give you a few hugs.”

“Then the mystical goddess, Aphrodite
Should be married to one high and mighty
But for a limited time, what the heck
her for a place on your deck.
Just image how she looks in a nighty.”

Then there’s this Boudica the Celtic queen
With a reputation of being quite mean
But if you watch right the omens
She doesn’t like the Greeks or the Romans
But for young sailors she makes quite a scene

“Maybe horses and nude women is your guilty pleasure.
Might I suggest that Lady Godiva is your treasure
The long-haired mystique that attracts is
Her method of protesting taxes.
By riding naked through Coventry for good measure”

“There’s another that I think you should know
The whole world will call her Marilyn Monroe
She will famously flirt
Wind will hike up her shirt
This blond bombshell will make your heart go."

“Dolly Parton known for her voice and platinum blond hair
And chest you’d wish you could bare
And her homey southern charm,
Why she’d be worth the whole farm
But for passage to Ireland is quite overly fair”


THE CREWS' CARVINGS OF ED WIVES WERE QUITE GOOD


As Ed pitched, the figures carved by the crew
Made each statuette looking life like and true
Down to the smallest detail
You’d have thought any male
Would be a knickknack collector of new


THE FIRST MATE WANTS A REAL WOMAN


Said the first mate, “Look here is the deal
We’d consider you offer a steal
And take only one wife not six
If you offer us this in the mix
Make only one of the statuettes real


ED DOESN'T BELIEVE THEY WANT REAL WIVES. HE UPS THE OFFER BY THROWING IN DENISE'S ADOPTED IRISH NIECE (WITHOUT KNOWING IF THERE IS SUCH A NIECE)


Now Ed replied to the men of the sea,
“If your wives were your own cup of tea,
You’d sailed were they are
Instead of from them so far
You’re just haggling for a larger fee.”

Replied the first mate. “This is way out of hand
It’s my own wedding that chase me from land
You’d leave too if you met her
But if you can do no better
Well then you can just stay here on the sand.”

“Want a wife that make you immortal as I?
Greatness and novels are an over told lie
Well you can’t have Denise
But I throw in her adopted Irish niece
Gees you’re making this bid over high”

It was then that the second mate spoke
Sounding as if he was making a joke
“It’s starvation not tall tales we’re cursed
 And of wives that won’t be, we had worse
But we have room for a gator, wood sprite and bloke.


THE FIRST MATE WANTS MORE WIVES, FEARING MURDER IF THERE AREN'T ENOUGH WIVES TO GO AROUND


The first mate’s rage made his face turn quite blue
Shouting, ‘men you just don’t have a clue
With too few wives, I know what would happen
When seven women, eight men and the captain
Fight to the death over who marries who


THE SECOND MATE WANTS MORE WIVES ADDED TO THE OFFER


Said the second, “I’d feel peace inside
He knows of many wives If he hasn’t lied
How about this new deal
A new wife every meal
Means every third day I get a new bride.”


ED SUGGESTS THAT EACH MAN COULD HAVE EVERY WIFE WITHOUT INCITING JEALOUS RAGE BECAUSE THESE WIVES EXIST ONLY IN THE IMAGINATION. STILL, HE DOES UP THE OFFER


“I well know that prenuptial infatuation
Can cause war against nation to nation
Its this way, I call
Each should marry all
There is privacy in one’s own imagination”

“So what I can’t do,” the steward did say
“Is supply three brand new women each day
So one bride per day it will be
for room and broad for us three
Hell, I can give my whole stock away.”


THE THREE ARE ABOARD BY THE TIME THE CAPTAIN RETURNS


By the time O’ Winfree came back in to the picture
With his own plan to add to the mixture
Asleep, but with smile his crew wore
Were as impoverished as before
But each counted themselves seven wives richer


GLORNA SENSES A TRAP


Whispered Glorna to Ed, “This is sleazy.
The fear in my stomach make me wheezy.
We gave words not real women
Some kind of web, they’d be spinnin’
They let us aboard way too easy.


ED'S MORE WORRIED ABOUT BED BUGS


Ed says, “Bed you should dread not the deal
Most men only want women who aren’t real
And to combat the confusion
I recommend self-delusion.
Which is no help for the bite of bed bugs you’ll feel."


To be dragged on even further….


Ruthlessly yours,

Ed Calkins

Steward of Tara




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