Saturday, March 3, 2018

Ed Calkins: New Fame, Noah's Arc, and Newspaper Delivery

Dear MOMI,

Having now experiencing the tribulations of fortune, I realize what a target I am. 
I must be prepared to answer those nasty question for unsavory tabloid ‘news’ outlets looking for any trifle of scandal they can exploit for the purpose of lining their pockets. In addition to implying that my future one hundred wives were some kind of polygamy victims, that the IVA is a hoax, or that my thoughts are really not as ruthless as rumored, they will also cast suspicion of my research into the goddess’ (Denise by a less lofty name) genealogy.
I could just admit that I made the whole thing up, which as an Irishman, is my duty and right, but that lacks the fun of telling the story about the story. Better I mention that there is a natural choke point in tracing anyone’s Irish genealogy and there is a well disturbed book about it. I can tell you the story from a different point of view.
I have to warn you, that you know this story despite my embellishments so think of this as a test of wit. The sooner you groan the wittier you are.
Known between the pages by a shorter name, I tell you the tale of Genoa Good. Professionally, he lacked stability; being first a wander, second a ship builder, and third a zoo keeper. (Are you groaning yet?) 
What his extended family called him is unclear, but Genoa Good was called so because it started only thing he ever said to anyone unrelated. Though unreported by this other source, he was hoping to cut a deal with this book’s protagonist to advert the promised destruction. Personally, I think he thought it the standard contract as was offered elsewhere in the book.  
His frantic question slurred words, so it came out “ja-know-a-good man?”, “ja-know-a-good woman?”, or “ja-know-a-good child”. To this question people would laugh because, as you surely know, there were no good people then excluding his own household. Later his questions kept the predicate but changed the object. “Ja-know-a-good plumber, carpenter, ship builder, or veterinarian. (You’re almost out of time if you haven’t groaned.)
It was when the rain began, that people started searching to ask him a question. In their desperate haste they shorten his name to something you should recognize ‘Knowa” which because of ancient autocorrects became “Noah”.
By now the story should come back to you as it often comes back to me. I promised this story from a different perspective. While the book talks of the people inside this "Noah’s Arc." I can tell the story of those not allowed within; the spiritual have-nots if you will. I don’t blame Noah. 
He begged the righteous to come to the safety of his arc before the bad weather. He begged the rest of us to change our ways first. Still, those of us who lived back then always get a little nervous when it rains too many days in a row. Some advice we can give you. If you ever see a double line of animals marching in some direction, grab a partner, put on a fur coat, and get in line. Once the Arc doors close, they don’t open for anyone.
As it happened, I was delivering the Noah’s residence newspaper route when the rains came. I didn’t drown; I wasn’t allowed to because of the job. Because of this, I kept a small wooden boat in case of flooding.
OK, here’s where I get in trouble. Those of you who’ve read the other source know that the world was flooded because of mankind’s wickedness and naturally you imaged sins of the flesh in the most decadent forms. Let’s face it, sex sell and the Bible is the best seller of all times. Even Denise might never out-sell it.  The truth is, half of humanity was stealing newspapers from the other half that were not paying their bills and/or tipping their carriers.
Always, I could expound on my adventures of the time who all humankind was either drowning or seasick and I had the only paper route left. I could tell you how heroically I rowed, how epicaly I threw, to ensure that everyone seasick got the right paper. But to do so, I’d have to brag.
So tracing anyone’s family line has a really good chance of being at seasick on that arc. So too, it follows that anyone seasick on that arc got a newspaper and is listed on my Noah’s route list. I trace Denise’s line from there. 

Ruthlessly yours,
Ed Calkins, Steward of Tara

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