"Romance This Christmas? Meet Him in St. Louis"

Dear Reader,

My cousin said, “Where ever you’re looking is the type of girl you’ll find. If you go searching for women in bars, then that’s what you’ll get.” I’ve always been a romantic, but I’ve never lost hope. That’s why I’m mailing these letters.

If you want something you’ve never had, you need to do something you’ve never done. I’m sending these to libraries because I know they’ll get read. After all, that’s what libraries are for. But I’m also hoping you can help find a gal that I may not have met.

Friends and family say I’m single because I choose to be alone. I say it’s because I know exactly what I want. A couple years ago, I discovered a twenty-one year old British coed on an online dating site who was studying in Minneapolis. She had everything I looked for in a woman, however, never replied to my e-mail. I can only assume she was deported. Unfortunately, even if you find the girl of your dreams, she may not consider you the man of her dreams.

I always imagined I’d be with a career woman, most likely a nurse or a teacher who has truly found their passion serving others. Although I’m old-fashioned, it is 2012, so I believe the task of cooking dinner should be shared. Since I’m tall, I would need a girl at least 5’8” possessing the attitude of Karlie Kloss walking through the door. After a quick kiss, she would say a prayer to thank God for another day.

As much as I enjoy satisfying my guilty obsession with reality TV, we’d rarely frequent the couch. After salsa dancing lessons, chasing after our gigantic dogs, and teaching the boys down at the park a thing or two about ballin’ (That’s how the kids say it nowadays); we’d finally relax with a cold beer or glass of wine.

Although she would appreciate the humor of Aziz Ansari, John Mulaney, and Mike Birbiglia, she’d laugh the hardest at my jokes. Like me, she is often ridiculed for having never seen blockbuster movies. That’s because she’s out trying new things. Heroin is not one of those things. Instead, she gets high off aimlessly wandering Oklahoma back roads like a twenty-first century Magellan and singing along to the country music station. Unlike my failed impersonation, her twang is truly authentic and makes me smile.

My darling isn’t quiet, and can tell an intriguing anecdote. I’ve always been “that guy” at every party and even at twenty-four (And a half) the shoulders are beginning to ache. My best friend and old roommate of nine months will tell you that when my mouth is shut, I’m infinitely content.  

I want to be infinitely content on Christmas and all I want from good ole Mr. Claus is you…whoever that is. It sounds like something from a pensive Zach Braff indie flick or catchy Taylor Swift tune, but if you know someone who possesses the desired requirements, please follow the instructions of Judy Garland and have them meet me in Saint Louis.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

John Truett

P.S. If they wish, I’ll be at the return address (The St. Louis Arch) the night before Christmas Eve.